I have reclaimed my life and household!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nvts, Jul 9, 2010.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Well, he did it. difficult child 1 finally pushed me over the edge. Over the last 4 mos. this kid has pushed every button known to man. Meltdowns, hissy fits, running away, throwing stuff, calling 911, calling the local precinct, hitting me while I was holding him, name it.

    We have just been given a program called "Waiver". It is for kids that are at risk of going into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or long-term hospitalization. They send someone to your home just about every day of the week, help you get services in place, apply for medicaid, respite for him AND me as well as providing a family resourse center for sibs.

    Chucklehead had a meltdown the day the supervisor came to brief us on the program (minor).

    Had a meltdown the day our case worker came (major).

    Had a meltdown on Tues. when she stopped by just to check in over the long weekend.

    I looked into his eyes. The little bugger knew what he was doing. HE WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE.

    I handled it the way I should and got him settled down (after he insisted that she look into a hospitalization) and she left around 8:00 pm. I stayed calm and cold until 10:00 and lost it.

    I :

    1. used every foul word he used (about me, his sibs, his dad, the dog, my family, the house, his room, etc.). I didn't call him anything - I just threw them in for impact.

    2. I told him I knew he did it on purpose and I found that to be repugnant.

    3. I told him he's an abuser.

    4. I told him that if he raised a hand to me, any of his siblings or damaged ANYTHING in the house again - I'd have him arrested for assault.

    5. I told him that if he called the police again, I'd spank him good and that when the police got here and he told him I'd spanked him, I'd claim self-defense and they'd believe me before him because of all the bogus calls he'd made.

    6. I told him that if he used foul words toward me or the others I'd slap his mouth.

    Well, it's been since Tuesday, and things have evened out. He got kicked out of camp for foul language. I went to pick him up and tried to discuss it with him and he told me to "shut up". I slapped his mouth. He knows I mean business.

    I'm tired, but at least we have a little peace!

  2. dani3

    dani3 New Member

    you go!!!!!! freaking awesome.. great job. sometimes kids play their disorder for resaon to be disrespectful. and i also understand you get tired of fighting so you get to be like whatever do whatever..... great job
  3. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Good for you! I'm proud of you!
  4. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    I tried this and it just turned into another manipulation for difficult child to use as a weapon. After a pretty spectacular meltdown I told him to leave the house to cool down. He refused. He got mouthy for the unpteenth time and I had enough. I don't tolerate being called the B word. I smacked him. It turned into a greco roman wrestling match mixed with a fist fight at our back door. I bloodied his nose with a solid punch because he had me in a "sleeper hold". All along baby diva was crying in her room. Whole time difficult child tells me I needed to calm down. I told him I didn't need to calm down that he needed to get the heck out of MY bleepin house.

    Ah yes, good times around here. DCFS came out and saw that he was 15 and 6'2" and decided he pretty much had what was coming to him and we got a host of useless services.

    Now difficult child tries to egg me on, on purpose and then he plays the "poor me I'm abused" card. Somehow my defending myself against his intimidation tyrades is now a way for him to play the victim. Worst part is he actually believes it and feels sorry for himself. Now he leaves when I tell him to but he slams the door hard enough to rattle the entire house and calls me the B word when he is too far for me to run and catch...

    One of these days I swear I am going to snap and really knock his clock off. Then DCFS can come take him and keep him permanently as far as I'm concerned.

    *Sigh* no point really. It really hoovers how these difficult child's can take a normal, happy and good parent and turn them into dark miserable trolls.

    I am soooo happy it worked for you though. You maybe want to come whip mine into shape? lol ;) (can you tell it's been a difficult child kinda day around here?)
  5. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    You know, I read this last night and wasn't sure how to respond. On one hand, I don't like hitting, on the other hand, in some situations that is the last tool in the box.

    husband was a difficult child. He was born to older parents who many people mistakenly thought were his grandparents. His Dad had a lot of health issues and when husband was a teen of about 15(and six foot) he got into a big argument with his Dad and decided to physically threaten him by putting up his fist like he was going to punch him. husband's dad was much smaller than husband at about 5'7", but oh boy, husband threatened the wrong dude. father in law whipped off his belt, grabbed a hold of husband's shirt collar, and told him, "Come on, boy, show me what ya got!" husband was shocked and afraid and backed down real quick. He never did that again. Though, he still was a difficult child (he really put his parents through A LOT).

    Myself, as a child that got beaten a lot over trivial issues, I vowed that I would never raise a hand to my child.

    Um, yeah.

    I have called the police on Son when he has attacked me in the past. The cop flat out told him that if I were "beat the you-know-what" out of him they wouldn't do anything because he deserved it. Son has threatened me with the police so many times. Mostly because I'm an "abuser". Of course, there's the infamous trip he took down the police station to have me arrested because I took his cell phone and then having them show up at my door because I think the cop just HAD to talk to me as if to see what kind of mother had a kid like this(of course, they told Son that they couldn't arrest me since the phone is MINE).

    So, the other day, Son says, "I want my cell phone back!" and threatens me with the police once again. I know he senses my mortification every time the police become involved with our family; I just want to live a quiet unassuming life. He knows that I hate that the neighbors once again have to see a police car in front of my house. In the nine years I have lived in this neighborhood, I am the ONLY one out of my neighbors that have had the police at my house countless times (though Son is not to blame for all of them;Daughter caused her share of grief back in the day.). Anyway, when he says that to me, it was the straw, THE STRAW as in last. He was sitting on my bed and I leaped out of my chair and got nose to nose so that he fell back wards and with a low snarl I said, "You EVER threaten, let alone call, the police on me again you better be ready to call an ambulance too because you're gonna need it; got it, Pal??"

    He didn't say a word. I asked him if he "got it" and in a quiet voice he said, "Got it".

    You know, even with all the physical attacks over the years I have had to endure with my difficult children, they have NEVER cursed at me or called me names. They don't even curse in front of me and I know they both swear like sailors. Son got suspended the last two days of school for screaming them at another student. He will tell me that he WANTS to curse, but doesn't. I don't like cursing for the most part and I really detest it as part of everyday vernacular. I tell them they can think it all they want, but they better not say it. I think they know I will EXPLODE if they were to ever call me a curse word; let alone what their Dad would do to them.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I really hope this service works. If nothing else, taking control of your house and role in it are important for your own peace of mind.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I've always thought along the line of: spanking doesn't really make the point. It just proves that might makes right. I've been dealing with daily meltdowns, threats, and abuse and just had to say "enough". This kid was mocking me that he'll just throw a fit and I'll be held captive in the psychiatric E.R. while he's being observed (each one of these excursions take 8 hours - with the hospitalization, I had to call in all kinds of favors for people to watch the other kids while I went to visit). I finally (during my "retaking") explained to him that I would refuse to accompany him on the ambulance, be arrested for refusing an officer and kill anyone that tried to bail me out because there had to be more peace and quiet in jail than in this house. He knew I meant business. It also helps that my sister and father have been regailing the kids with stories about how I was the toughtest of the siblings and would beat the heck out of any kid that was hitting them or torturing them (I was a little tough guy - short but full of nerve).

    He knows I mean business.

    I have had teachers, administrators, cops and ACS workers tell me that he needs a swift kick in the :censored2: (all off the record of course) and when I told his psychiatrist about it on Friday (difficult child 3 had an appointment.) she laughed, clapped and gave me a high five. Quite revealing if you ask me! It also shows the enormous amount of crud that this kid has been dishing out.

    Right now, he just finished vacuuming the living room and is polishing all of the tables.

    I hate that I had to do it, but it really needed to be done.

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Good for You!!!! I am glad that it has worked. It was a tool that did not work for Wiz because he was so violent with me that unless I was willing to kill him there was NO way I could even meet the level of violence he dished out. He sure never tried to restrain me to calm me down though. He was pretty sure that it would be his LAST act on this earth after the way gfgbro used to use that tactic.

    In my state it is on the books and encouraged by the police that parents use "physical discipline" to handle children. Child Protection hates it, but they cannot take someone who spanks a child to court. No cop will arrest a parent for it unless there are HUGE signs of abuse. We had a cop tell Wiz that he better NOT hit back if he got slapped or spanked or even had a belt taken to his ass. She said she would come out and arrest him for assault if he EVER tried that because it is a parents legal DUTY to discipline a child that way and it was ASSAULT that WOULD result in jail time if the child hit the parent under ANY circumstance.

    We still didn't spank him because it had already been very clear to us that if he got spanked he used much more violence with his sibs. He would retaliate on them.

    But I am glad you found a tool that worked. Just be SURE to back it up when he tests you!!!

    I have told my kids that they can call to report abuse at any time. But they better pack whatever they want to continue to own because they will be leaving with the social worker and they won't be coming back. They ALL know I mean it. If real abuse happened, even if I did it, I would call and report it myself. But I refuse to be held hostage to a threat of being called an abuser. In OH I had a friend who worked for Chidlren's Services and she laughed her fool head off the day Wiz tried to tell her he was abused. She told him he better not ever try that stunt because if she wasn't the worker assigned she would talk to the worker assigned and things would go badly for him. He had a few little friends who used that threat to make parents cave. Wiz felt very deprived and abused because we would not fall for that ploy. He actually wrote a sad little poem all about how we didn't love him and wouldn't let him report abuse when he was mad at us.

    About the third time he recited it I just could NOT help myself. I fell off the couch laughing about it!! It was SOOOO contrived and all his "sadness" over it was SOOOOOO fake!! Boy did THAT response shock him. He expected me to react the way my mother would have - with lots of proclamations of love everlasting, apologies for upsetting him, trips to get junk food to make him feel "loved" and new toys, books and videos to "apologize" for "hurting" him.

    His psychiatrist and therapist thought it was funny too. They kept a copy of the poem because it was just tooo funny. (If he had truly felt that way it would not have been funny, but he was so clearly faking it that it was a riot!)
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Susie! That's so funny! The best is this one calls difficult child 3 "Drama Queen". I can't imagine anyone being more dramatic (except maybe Wiz!) than this clown.

    As I said, I'm not a spanker (this was a major issue between AH and I), but this kid was beyond taking advantage. I'm so detached from him right now, that if he got checked in somewhere - I'd just go with the flow.

    Enough, enough, enough with all of his junk!

  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Good for you, Beth!

    You have inspired me to do a little a**-kicking of my own!

    I may have to post about it...
  11. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    I'm just glad to see that I am not the only one who is fed up. It reminds me of Popeye cartoons where he says "I'ves had all I can takes and I can'Tourette's Syndrome takes no more". Then he opens up the can of spinach and you know the rest...

    Even the best of parents have limits.
  12. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    I knew that most people would be against what you were saying. BUT, that being said, when difficult child punched husband (6' 250lbs) in the face and called him a MFer, I didn't blame him at all for pushing her up against the wall to stop her. NO, we didn't ever call the cops, and probably should have.

    I'm just saying I wouldn't have done that to him, ever. He could have mopped the floor with her, but he didn't.

    Sometimes you've just had enough.

  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have to try everything. Something will work sometime. I hope this is it!
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I told his psychiatrist about it on Friday (difficult child 3 had an appointment.) she laughed, clapped and gave me a high five. Quite revealing if you ask me! It also shows the enormous amount of crud that this kid has been dishing out.

    Right now, he just finished vacuuming the living room and is polishing all of the tables.

    Wow! I hope it holds.
  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Terry, if this doesn't hold there's always duct tape! :bigsmile:

    My sister has a t-shirt that says "Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver". It speaks volumes!

  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Did you know that you can get rolls of duct tape that are 11 inches wide?? I just love love love it!!

    Duct tape comes in many many colors. Even tie dye! Wally World has a rack of different colors here. I have been known to offer a child a color choice. "If you do not stop that/stop whining/stop screaming/stop X, Y or Z I am going to duct tape your mouth shut. Which color would you prefer? This one brings out your eyes, but that one matches your outfit."

    It stopped Wiz in his tracks one day. He just really did not know how to take that. I was calm, nice, used an ordinary voice as if I had asked him if he wanted chocolate or vanilla ice cream, and I SMILED. When he was done staring and stammering and left the room I burst out laughing into a pillow (so he wouldn't hear me). He was very solicitous later. Turns out he heard me and thought I was so upset I was crying!

    duct tape. It's a beautiful thing.
  17. LostSF

    LostSF Guest

    Congratulations nvts. I'm happy to hear you've found some peace.

    Before I became a stepparent I always said that hitting and spanking was wrong. But after I became one, and saw how rude and abusive SD could be, I began to question that belief.

    Now I firmly believe that the reason why some children get so wild is because they don't have what many of us had as children... fear of our parents. SD knows that the worst that will happen to her is a grounding. But if I did even 1/10th of the stuff she did, I would have been smacked... hard. Just once, but once was always enough.

    I still don't believe hitting/spanking is "right", but I do believe it is sometimes necessary. With some children, in some situations... when nothing else will work.

    wife disagrees with me, and since it is her child it is her call. But I do wonder how different our life would be if SD had at least some of the same fear of "going too far" that I had.
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    You know... I wasn't spanked much. Occasionally, and once with a belt by my Grandpa. My Mom threw a fit at him about it. Mostly what happened was I got lectured.

    To this DAY I'd rather have a spanking than a lecture. I never could tune out my parents like Onyxx and Jett seem to be able to. And back talking - oh wow. Yeah, I hated being grounded.

    I was a pretty quiet kid, though - I could and did entertain myself from a very young age. No siblings, and no kids my age close after my friend K moved away from next door when her parents split when we were 5. I went to a private school through 8th grade, so most of my "friends" lived too far away. I lost myself in books.

    I have to be super, super careful with Onyxx and Jett, though. When she was about 8, she got in my face and got a light slap on the rear. Cried silently, but quit being a brat (that night, anyway). Jett got a lot of single smacks on the rear for histrionics (Oh no! The dog stepped on his foot! Call an ambulance!) - those stopped after husband moved out of mother in law's house, thank goodness.

    BUT NOW - if I make a quick gesture with my hands, even if joking, Jett ducks. because I know he has been hit by BM - he's got the wounded animal look. And Onyxx? Yeah, she was kicking me (little over a year ago), I slapped her face and ended up with bruises all over. She WILL get violent. So - since she outweighs me and is a lot meaner - this isn't a good option.

    Spankings aren't punishment... They are attention-getters.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you hit the nail on the head. My parents have a neighbor who is probably the best mom I have ever known in my life. Her daus were completely different and someday we may see her oldest running the world. She is an amazing young woman. I babysat the girls as a teen, and when Wiz couldn't be in a daycare setting the mom, M, babysat him for me. I learned a LOT about being a great parent from her.

    M told me that she was not against spanking. She didn't need to use it, but in some situations it was appropriate. She said if she EVER caught her child using drugs they would probably get a belt used on them and then get rehab, counseling, etc... as needed. The belt was not so much a punishment but more to get the child's attention and to make darn sure they knew she meant business.

    I have NO doubt that she would have done it. It is pretty much in line with my own attitude toward spanking. But it is not right for each child, which is another thing I learned from M. That it is okay to treat your kids differently. Fair and equal don't mean exactly the same, esp in parenting.