I need stories. Good stories

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Jun 22, 2017.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I need stories of hope. Have you ever told yourself, after being heartbroken many times, "Never again. I will never trust anyone." Then you accidentally let someone in your heart. They break it. Then you tell yourself, "I told you not to trust anyone, stupid."

    Well that's how I'm feeling now. I have many failed relationships, some of them lasting only six months, the longest nine years. They leave or they cheat. Or both. And I fall for it, again and again. And I tell myself I won't but I do. The last one was married. Didn't find out until we were already involved. I was attached. I feel betrayed, alone.

    My ex fiancé, before him, had an online relationship the same time he was seeing me. We broke up. He is now engaged to another woman, and she just moved in with him. He moved her all the way from Texas to Nebraska. I don't want him anymore, but I am jealous. Jealous he found somebody first. Jealous he is living the dream, and most likely, I never will.

    I have had about nine or ten relationships in my lifetime. They have all gone so wrong. I don't know if it's due to my bipolar and anxiety. Maybe I don't deserve love. At least not THAT kind of love. People tell me I have to love myself before I could love anybody else.

    At times, like recently, I did love myself. My bipolar, anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), for the most part, were finally stable. My kids are still struggling, but that's a lifelong issue, and I was at peace with what I had. Then this. Opening up, knowing I shouldn't. Big mistake.

    At my age, I feel like it just wasn't meant to be. I am not relationship material. Some people are, some people aren't. And I am not. Then people say, "It will happen when the time is right. You're still young. Don't give up hope." Well I am giving up hope.

    I am fast forwarding my life ten years from now, seeing myself as the crazy old cat lady, retired, with ten more cats, calling my kids every day and begging them to come visit me. Meanwhile, everybody around me is getting married, or they are married, and they are happy. And I am resorting to lifelong loneliness.

    So what I really need is any story, of someone you know, or perhaps yourself, that thought it was over then it all worked out. Older people, who have been through much, then finally found love. Or peace. Or something. Right now I'm just lost.
  2. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    This is going to sound kinda counter-productive, and probably kind of harsh, too.

    Give up on finding Mr. Right. Yup. Quit seeking relationships completely. If Mr. Right is out there, you'll find him. You won't find him because you are lonely and have a libido.

    I had the type of relationship you dream of.I was friends with the guy for 2 years before that, and until it bowled us both other one night, the ideal of it becoming a romantic relationship would had both of us laughing our behinds off.

    It was another two years before we became intimate.

    We were together for nearly 25 years. I chose, after he died to seek neither sexual, nor emotional relationships on that level again, e.g. I'm celibate and happy that way.

    You obviously are not. BUT, until you can live happily without a man, you won't find Mr. Right.

    While the idea of not having had sex for 17 years might sound appalling to you (husband was incapable the last couple of years of his life), I have no interest in ever again having an emotional relationship of the depth requred for me to engage in sexual activity, and no interest in the activity.

    That's actually not considered normal. However, I think you need to be complete in yourself as opposed to seeking a man to complete you. And, if you are sleeping with these guys, i suggest you stop doing so. See if any are willing to stay with you without that fringe benefit.

    As regards your sex drive, there are many, many ways to deal with that without the help of another person.
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well...me. sort of. I once didnt trust people, although not as badly as some feel. I 100% thought I was no good and deserved nothing, but I did try. And I didnt really like my current husband all that much when I met him. He wasnt cute to me then and wasnt a man who had money. Can we say shallow of me?

    What kept me going back was that he was so nice and so honest. And I fell for that. Most men I met after my divorce (in my late 30s) had issues. Tons. And I did too. Until I actually married him I wasnt sure Id go throigh with it.

    Twenty two years and two kids later, i still love my husband to death. He iz very morally sound...not interested in cheating. His parents had a good marriage. He had no demons from childhood. He is very calm. My good life began when WE began and I am ever grateful I did marry him.

    If I were looking now, I would have some red flags Id avoid. Here are a few:

    More than one divorce

    Not legally divorced

    Young kids

    Bad talk about exes and women

    Risk takers and party animals...to me this is high risk for cheating and jail and drunken bad behavior...I am not a partier anyway.

    Female friends that they wont let go of. In my world thats a red flag.

    More than very little drinking and for me pot smoking would turn me off

    Too involved with an ex, even if they have had kids together. See your kids. Often. Dont act like you are still somehow overly obligated to ex. Also, constant bashing ex all the time. Ex needs to be in the past...or she isnt.

    CB, I love kind, old fashion boring men. My husband is one. I am so very happy with him.

    Only date men who are good enough for you. Dont settle because you are alone. It is not bad to be simgle. I used to wish I was single in my first marriage!! He was dreadful company.

    It isnt shameful to be alone with beloved cats.

    You are very sweet. Chose very carefully. If a guy lies to you about being married again, consider that a BLEEDING red flag...kick him to the curb THAT DAY. You get who you believe you deserve...and you deserve a good man.or the peace of yourself alone.

    Big hugs. Sorry about those creepy men. Start fresh...and there is no rush.
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    After I divorced Miss KT's father, I wasn't looking to get married again. Two divorces was quite enough, thank you. I dated, but didn't do the "meet my kid" thing very often, went back to school (living on student loans - yeah, that was fun), went to work, was pretty much doing my thing...and one day, someone left a note on my car. "If your name is Mary, give me a call." I had no idea who it could be, but I've had the same personalized license plate since right after high school, so I called.

    Hubby and I had been friends in high school. He recognized my license plate. It took him 20 years to get up the nerve to ask me out. We started dating in January and got married in May. It's been 17 years.

    In my opinion, you need to work on you before you get involved with another person. Get yourself to a place of balance and contentment. Take some classes, learn to tap dance (I used to do country line dance till I wrecked my knee), read some good books, sing at the top of your voice with the radio blasting...whatever you need to do to make YOU a happier person. And there's nothing wrong with cats.
  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Although it is hard to believe I ever had a life before my current marriage and stepsons, the truth is, my "previous life" lasted for nearly eleven years. When it ended, I literally was reborn into the person I am today. All of my false beliefs and dysfunctional behaviors were exposed, and I was freed from them to be a healthier person.

    As painful as it was I would not trade any of it for a moment. I believe it was meant to happen.

    When I was 44 years old my then-partner (not legally married, same sex marriage wasn't legal in our state or nationally at that time) turned 40 and hurtled into what I can only describe as a midlife crisis, complicated by many other factors as well. Over a three year period she slowly distanced herself from me and our relationship. Eventually, in 2013, she left me, moved across the country and switched her sexual orientation.

    I have never hurt so bad in my entire life. Even the sudden, unexpected death of my father wasn't as painful. If my ex had actually died, it would have hurt less because it wouldn't have been a rejection of me the way her leaving was.

    Al-Anon, ACOA and Codependents Anonymous meetings helped me to heal by not only providing me with a social network of supportive, loving people which I so desperately needed at that time, but also by giving me the tools I needed to explore my role in the dysfunctional relationship and STOP behaving similarly in the future.

    I met my now-wife later that same year along with my stepsons. Oddly enough I honestly believe I had a premonition about the kids, because I "saw" myself, in my daydreams, talking to two boys about me and their mom!

    I am happier now than I have ever been. At the time of my ex's departure, though, I saw myself as a lonely and abandoned spinster who would never know love again. I think it's very normal to have these thoughts and fears, especially if like you and me both, we've made the same mistakes umpteen million times.

    You ARE worthy. You ARE deserving of love. If you haven't tried the fellowships I mentioned above, I highly recommend them. I made wonderful friends there as well as learning a lot about myself.

    Your picker is broken, but you aren't. If you want to love again I have no doubt you will have the opportunity.

    All the best to you. It does get better!
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  6. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thank you ladies. I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but I am an empath. I experience other people's pain. It's exhausting. Anyway, I belong to this empath support group. Awhile ago one of the members asked us all if any of us have a very hard time letting people go, even people who are acquaintances or people who are have barely even been in our lives for a very long time. I wanted to raise my hand and scream, "YES, YES, over here, me, me, me!"

    All my life I have been emotionally devastated over losing contact with anyone. I don't just mean men, or relationships. I am talking about friendships that have gone sour, family members who have disowned me or I have disowned them, and relationships that have ended, no matter how short. It kills me every time I have to say goodbye to someone. I get SO attached, so quickly, and I can't let go.

    This married guy was only in my life a few short months. But he told me everything I needed to hear. I was told I was beautiful, sexy, I had a great hourglass figure that is gorgeous, I was special, etc. I believed him. Since I gained all this weight, 72 pounds to be exact, I felt ugly. I used to get compliments all the time from random people telling me how pretty I was. It made me feel good. Then it stopped. I felt so unattractive.

    I started punishing myself by wearing nothing but jeans and baggy sweaters and shirts to hide my fat. I stopped wearing makeup, except to work, and even then it was the bare minimum. Then I me HIM. He told me I was beautiful and would look great in something pretty like a dress. I bought a dress and wore it for him. He loved it. He said I needed to give myself more credit. I deserve to dress nice, I am still beautiful.

    I wore the dress to work and got so many compliments. Our SRO just got through asking me today why I don't wear more dresses, because I wear them well. I haven't gotten a compliment like that in years, except from HIM. For once, my weight didn't make me feel ugly. I started to embrace my curves. He made me feel attractive and desirable. Then the bombshell.

    I am no longer seeing him, but I started to fall HARD for him, and it's not like I can just turn off my feelings right away like a light switch. It's killing me I will never hear those words from him. I keep looking over the texts and emails he has sent me. Keep wishing it had been different. I keep wishing it wasn't all a lie. But it was.

    And here I sit, still having a hard time letting go. I miss him, as crazy as it sounds. I miss those big giant comforting hugs, the gentle kisses, something I haven't had in five years. He made me come alive again, even though it was for a small amount of time. I hate myself for trusting, and I am left devastated and broken hearted. I feel so lost. I will get over this, but it's still painful. I hate this.
  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I have a nugget of wisdom but I hesitate to share it online because it would probably sound much harsher than I'd intend.....

    ....suffice it to say, though, that you deserve better than a man who is already taken. I'll leave it at that. :)
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can let go. I have had to with my mother disowning me and my sister doing it to me 100 times. I learned how to detach after the first shock and hurt subsided. So I will not pretend I was ever quite in your shoes, although I do have empath traits as well.

    Some things about ourselves are worth changing. I have had to work hard to change things deeply ingrained within me that did not serve me well. One was feeling like I deserve the world to crap on me. It was a long hard trip to liking myself let alone loving myself. Feeling I deserve good, positive people in my life, not those who put me down...that took hard work. I thought i deserved to be criticized.. and now I know that was not true...ever. You maybe are better served in your life learning to let go of negative people, if necessary, even if it takes a lot of time to get there.

    Like you said, you are still young. If you start concentrating on letting go now...one day you can probably do it.

    CB, i do not feel inferior about how I look. And I am older and care less probably. But any man of any age or marital background who tried to tell me how beautiful I was all the time would make me suspicious that he was looking for sex only. Did you ever hear "If they seem too good to be true, they are?"

    Narcicists and antisocials plow women with compliments just to win them over. .the abuse starts later. I recommend deleting those messages from the cheater and going cold turkey. Yes, it will be very painful at first. Intolerable. But time will take care of it and you will get over if. But only if you try.

    Please...you are so much better than him. He isnt fit to share your space let alone rent a mental space in your head. You have morals. He doesnt.

    Love and hugs!!
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    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
  9. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, SWOT. I really needed to hear those words right now.
  10. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Oh and today is the last day of school. Everybody is SO happy. All my coworkers are talking and laughing, sharing food, and enjoying the last day. I have been fighting off tears all day. I have the rest of next week to sit here, and wallow. It's hard when the students aren't here. I literally have nothing to do for a week except surf the internet. They are paying me to do nothing. I will have no distractions.

    My son is done with finals, and no more staying up till 4:00 a.m. studying. I think he passed all of his classes. I am relieved about that. There is some good right now. And this morning, as I was near tears, a grandparent came to me with a big bouquet of flowers. She handed me the flowers, started crying, and thanked me profusely for helping her grandson, who is mentally ill, all this year.

    And then there was the parent who brought me a Starbuck's coffee and a thank you card a few weeks ago, thanking me for all the hard work I have done with her son, who is so much like my own son, and for listening to her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. We became friends over these last few years, because our boys have many of the same issues, and I helped her, however small, in getting through some of it.

    I do feel grateful for moments like those, and it means so much to me that I can make a little difference, and help some people along the rocky road of life. I know there is still some good, but right now I am broken and it will take time to heal. Just how long, I don't know, but it will happen.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are grieving, hon. Check the stages of grief. It can feel worse than a death when a person who is still alive is gone, even if we know they are not worth our heartache.

    You do have plenty to offer in every way. Never forget that you are a caring, loving, good, worthy person.
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  12. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    There is an excellent website called Baggage Reclaim....its about relationships, red flags, narcissists, and dating advice. Many sad stories there but also a great deal of sharing. it helped me greatly during my separation and divorce. Please take care of yourself. You are not defined by a man. Hugs.
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  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have been dating the same person for 14 years. We do not live together and never will. He is very sweet and one of the kindest people I have ever met. It works because he respects me. He understood that living with son would be a nightmare. He also understands that I very much need my space. We also worked very different schedules. He is a trauma nurse and works nights. The key is we respect our differences. We are both comfortable in our own skins.
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  14. Dunno

    Dunno New Member

    Aw- I'm sorry. Its really hard when relationships fail. My ex kind of sounds like one of yours. He actually cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter. It was hard to leave, but sometimes its just whats best. A few years later, I remarried a man who is a really good father and husband. Lol but if someone would have told me at the time when I left my ex I would be remarried and happy, I probably would have thought they were crazy.
    In general, what type of men are you dating. I found that changing your type helps. I know someone above said boring men- lol that is so true. But then again, past a certain age, they all become kinda boring (well most of the ones worth having anyways). I would say, in moving forward, find a man who likes you more than you like him. I know, it sounds crazy. Its something my mother used to tell us growing up. But it turns out she was right. At first, you may not be overtly attracted to the individual, but if he's got a good heart, it will all work out.
  15. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thank you wiser, sounds like something I could use.
  16. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    You are so right. And at first I wasn't even attracted to this married man, at least not physically. But I fell in love with him over time. I wish I could just shut off my feelings. I can't. I still feel something for him, and that hurts. I know life will go on, it always does, but right now I'm still hurting and I see no way out of this.
  17. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Can somebody please PM me I really have something else to say, but I can't say it here.