I really don't want to do this anymore !!!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jan 12, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Everyone talks about getting better, learning to cope, learning how to deal with the chaos! Well I am at the edge because I cannot get there!!!!!! I am worn out mentally and physically!!!! I am going on 26 years of dealing with my daughter and I dont care how much advice I get I cannot change!!!! I barely hang on to this stupid thing called life and every time I think things are getting better they get 3 times worse!!!!!! She was finely signed up for school and was suppose to start this month, so her really ignorant boyfriend is going to move them clear out of the city to a house they will never afford, she will not be able to get to school, wont have any one to watch my grandson. He cant even pay rent on the run down trailer they live in now!! And she looks at me with those sad eyes and I look at my oh so sweet grandson and my heart breaks!!!! I dont care how many articles I read on detachment, letting go, coping, or how much advise I get about cutting the ties.....I CANT DO IT !!!!! So I guess I will just live in torment the rest of my stupid life!!!! Because it is all I can do to keep myself going! I am really having a bad night and I am sorry for venting but you guys are the only people that might understand!!! She hasnt been rude or mean to me at all for the last year. I dont know if she really loves me or is trying to see if I will reach a breaking point and allow them to move in with me! And that cant happen or I will have a breakdown!!! I cant ever seem to get strong enough to handle all this....oh how i wish with all my heart that I could . I feel bad about myself all the time because I JUST CANT FIX ANY OF IT !!!! My two oldest grandsons are the exact same way, chaos alllll the time!! Asking me for money alllll the time, trying to make me feel sorry for them. I want to enjoy my life but I cant stop letting them rip my heart out!!
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  2. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.. My daughter is 27 and has put us through hell for the last 11 years so I understand how you are feeling....But the difference here is that your have a grandson you need to be concerned about and I would not turn my back on her because of that little boy........It sounds like neglect going on in her home so you need to get your grandson out of that situation..you are the grandma and can do it....it will be hard but for that innocent child you know you can do it...As far as your daughter...if she wants to stay with the loser boyfriend and be miserable...then she will suffer the consequences of losing her child...or she follows through with the chances she says she is going to do and hopefully will not move with him....It is so hard I know...right now you need to worry about one thing at a time...and do what you need to do to keep that grandchild safe.....I wish you the best of luck and a big hug!!!
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are the only one who can love yourself enough to detach for your own sake. If this were me, daughter or not, id call cps to try ti protect your grandson. You may not be able to, but you can try.you cannot save grandson any other way. He needs out. Your daughter is an adult making horrible choices. Nothing you do will change her.

    You matter too and deserve to get into therapy to learn how to detach from this before it kills you. It is hard to do without guidance from a pro.

    You are not responsible for or able to make daughter live right. It hasnt worked all these years. You in my opinion need to learn to step back and love yourself. Calling cps is a good first step.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What changed for me is this: I began to see my life and my son's as separate entities. That I had a right to be happy, content and safe. That he had a right to his own decisions and priorities and I did not have a right to judge.

    We are only miserable if we feel tied to them. That they take us with them. If you decide that you will not go there, by that I mean, limit conversations to that which you can tolerate, not asking questions, and cutting short complaining--your misery will stop.

    If the children, her children, are in danger, there is the responsibility to involve authorities. Other than that, your daughter is an adult, well into adulthood, who has the right to choose her lifestyle.

    Your life is your business and responsibility.

    I have chosen to limit phone calls. I choose not to invite my son to my home. Things have gone missing in his last visits. A tablet computer and an electric razor, both of which he had expressed interest in, and I said no. I would never have believed he would steal, because that is what it was. I feel obligated to myself (and to him) to not invite him to my home until I feel sure that he will respect me and my home.

    These are the steps that were necessary for me. They run absolutely contrary to my choices in the past. Since making these behavioral changes on my part, my state of mind has improved very much.

    You can do this.

    You are judging yourself very harshly.

    You want your daughter and grandchildren fully in your life. On your own terms. Which I do not see as possible given that your daughter is fully an adult and her children are her own. Forgive me if I am seeing the situation incorrectly, but a choice can be made. The only options I see are these: To choose yourself, your self-respect, your peace of mind, your sanity, etc. or to continue as is. As is means subjecting yourself to the chaos and irresponsibility of your daughter's life style, over which you have not one bit of control.

    There are no other options that I can see. You or any one of us, long ago lost control over deciding how our adult children live. That can be faced, or not. It is your choice.

    As long as you choose to keep involved with your daughter without setting limits to protect yourself, you will continue to suffer. We have all been there. We understand.

    Keep posting. It really helps. The actual responding to other parents helps as much or more as does posting about your particular circumstances.

    Take care. Stop being so hard on yourself. You do not deserve it. It is not your fault. You are a mother who loves her child who would do anything to make it different. You cannot.

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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2016
  5. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I would love to be able to help other people on this site...but how do you help someone else when you have no answers to even help yourself?
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    sooooooooooo tired, you have a beautiful cat (animal lover here. They are so therapeutic, no?)

    soooooooo tired, you don't need to help us now. Those of us who have been there and done it are ready and willing to share. It is your time to try different things and to heal. The first step could be to limit your calls and texts to your daughter. There is no rule saying, "Aha. A text from Daughter. It is probably abusive or asking for money." You can decide"I won't look at it today." Or "I'll delete it today." If your daughter can text, she is doing ok. Even if she isn't doing ok, you can't change anything.

    Google up t he concept of "Radical Acceptance." This has helped me tons. It may not help you, but it's a different way of looking at all of our problems and problem people. It means accepting them as they are without judgment. I found the judgment part hard, but am mastering it slowly. Accepting somebody as he/she is was a snap, although a painful snap regarding a few in my family of origin. But I think I'm there. They are who they are. I can't do one thing to change them OR to change the situation. Neither can you, and our angst does not make it better or them better. It just pulls us back.

    I assume you have other loved ones, friends and others who appreciate you. I choose to focus on helping myself by being good to me and focusing on my loved ones who are capable of loving me back. I would go mad if my focus was on my peeps who are mean to me. That doesn't mean you don't have to love your daughter. Just know t hat with Borderline (BPD) she is unlikely to be able to have a good relationship with you OR ANYBODY ELSE. Borderlines do not have the capacity to stay in stable long term relationships WITH ANYONE. It's not personal. She is likely this way to almost everyone and you can't help her. Only she can help her and it doesn't sound like she is ready.

    As for the grandchildren, you have limited rights as a grandmother. Most states give grands NO rights. That means the biggest impact you can make is if you call cps. That's all we are allowed to do with no guarantee that it will help since it is a big deal to keep them with their biological children. But you can try. Sounds like a few are already screwed up. You didn't cause it. It is out of your hands. As painful as that is, unless she loses custody on her own, you can't swoop in and raise her children. This is not on your shoulders. You are not given any legal power to help.

    I hope you can find some peace and serenity in your day and spend it with people who are able to love you for the good person whom you are.

    Hugs and more hugs.

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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    When I started here, I was in that situation. I didn't feel I had any answers to anything.

    And then I discovered... several ways to help.
    Some things came from my family of origin, rather than my current situation - because that was experiences where I knew what the outcome was.
    Other things were on the watercooler. Maybe helping solve someone else's pet problem or household emergency doesn't seem like much. But those of us who "live" on this site are under tremendous pressure, and often these little things can put us over the edge. A bit of friendly advice from someone who knows what it's like to live on the edge, can be invaluable.
    And sometimes, all we can send is hugs and caring thoughts, and we all need those, too.

    Keep reading. Keep posting what you can of your own situation. And then... you will find ways to help others, too.
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  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Good morning soooo tired. I'm so sorry. This stuff is the hardest stuff in the world and it seems to go on forever.

    You are getting good thinking from the others who have posted.

    Isn't it ironic and kind of strange that the hardest thing in the world to actually do....is Stop. To do nothing. You would think that would be the easiest thing...doing nothing...but when it comes to people we love so very much, it's the hardest thing.

    How do you do it? It sounds like that's your question. How in the world does someone detach from someone we love so very much and who is basically going down the tubes, from our perspective?

    I can only tell you that for me, it took actual work. I mean like studying for a college course. I had to allocate time every single day over a period of months and years to change the way I think. I had to study. I had to go to meetings (Al-Anon). I had to spend money to go to therapy. I had to write in a journal. I had to read and read and read. I had to post here.

    (Aside: Actually you ARE helping all of us when you post your thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are, because it helps us by responding to you. So you ARE helping other people, right now).

    So...if you are willing to start studying and spending at least 1 hour every single day working on this, as a primary commitment in your life, you will start to change.

    The change will likely be slow, and it won't feel very good. Because your feelings---fear, frustration, disappointment, etc.---all of those feelings will continue.

    You will have to "act as if." In other words, you will have to separate your feelings from your actions. That is more hard work. Lie down and cry and rant and rave if you need to...and then get up and go to work doing the things I have described.

    That is how I did it. My son was a train wreck, homeless, in jail, doing drugs...it was awful. He was out on the street within two miles of my house, and I wouldn't let him come here. It was awful. It was the most painful and wrenching thing I have ever been through and it went on for literally years. So I get it. I know the feelings and they are powerful.

    But at some point, I was completely sick and tired. I was sick of him, sick of myself, and sick of my life which centered around obsessing about him. I was done. I knew I couldn't keep on living like that, and nothing was changing anyway. I had no positive reinforcement to keep going down that road. I was convinced, by the passing of time, that My Best Efforts Were in Vain.

    That helped me decided to do something different.

    Soooo tired...if you are really really ready and are completely sick and tired...start today. Start by devoting time to your own life and your own recovery. Sit down with an Al-Anon book and read it for one hour. Find the meeting times in your town and plan to go to one tomorrow or the next day. Order a book from Amazon like CoDependent No More or Boundaries or another good one. Write in a journal (online or paper or whatever). Keep it clear and keep it simple.

    You will start to find that the mere act of spending time on YOU instead of HER will start to move the needle of your life.

    When we are not focused on ourselves, but are obsessed with other people, that is not healthy for us or for them. As mothers, we are likely to think more of them than we do of ourselves. Again, out of balance and not healthy.

    Today, I call this the 51%/49% rule. I am 51% and he is 49%. That means I put myself a nudge ahead of him. I decide what I need first, today, but believe me, it took me a long time to get to this point and a lot of hard work and lonely, fearful times.

    I am eternally grateful to be in this place today. I do believe that my getting out of the way of my son helped him find the space and wherewithal to start changing his life. If I had kept being overly involved with him, I don't think he would have had that chance.

    There is no guarantee that she will ever change. There is no guarantee that your grandchild will be okay, but there is no guarantee that your grandchild will not be okay. You will have to do whatever you decide to do about the grandchild, but that is really a separate thing (in my mind).

    You have to learn how to let go of your 39-year-old daughter. It's time. She is a grown woman with the right to make her own choices, whatever they are. Let her go.

    We're here for you, throughout this. We so understand the depth of this. Please keep sharing and let us know how we can keep on helping you. Warm hugs.
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  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Soooootired, you have received some really good thoughts on your situation. I am sorry for the pain of it. I know how it feels, when the love for our child, and especially, grandchildren, keeps us locked in to the drama and craziness. It has happened to me. For, many years, we tried to help our d cs, our grands, it has been a road to misery and heartache.
    I understand how you are feeling. I was right where you are, many times. It is not something that happens over night. We have been nurturing our children from before their birth, first imagining what it would be like to be a mom, caring for them as they were babes, growing up, all of the hopes and dreams and time we put in. We essentially gave up a lot of ourselves to focus on our children.
    When they fail to launch, and make good choices, then bring children into that, it is very hard on our hearts. As our d cs, tug and tug at our heartstrings, we get so tangled up in the drama of it all, before we realize it, our lives become swallowed up. We are drowning in the misery of it all, with no way out, it seems.
    I know how this feels, after awhile, I did not believe the sad eyed look from my daughter, but my grandchildren? Ahhhh, there was the biggest difficulty for me. We tried over and again to help, thinking about our poor grands, born into this mess, it was not their fault. And it isn't.
    Our lives became a mess, like how you are feeling now, wanting peace, wanting things to be right for them, but at the same time, buried under the stress and strain of it all.
    This is true. Nothing we did in the long run, changed anything. For our daughter, or our grands. It was not our responsibility, even in the eyes of the law.
    We involved CPS, cared for our grands. The objective was to reunite the family. Counseling. Rehab.
    The eventuality and reality of it became that our grands really wanted to be with their parents. Drama or not. My daughter has to learn how to make better choices, to care for the children she brought into this world. She did not do that in our home. She needed to focus on her responsibility, and we needed to learn to let her, and to live our lives. It takes work Sooootired. But, it can be done. You can do this.

    This is a thousand times infinity truth.

    Again, true. It is hard to read, and accept, but it is true. This is a start, to understand the truth and reality of things, to learn how to change reactions and responses within ourselves.
    The only control we have is over ourselves.

    After years, and years of helping, the last words I heard from my daughter, were,
    "You have no right to my kids, they are MY KIDS."
    You know what?
    She is right.
    I have no right.
    It was hard to swallow.
    But, it also forced me to look at what I was doing, how caught up I was in the crazy of it all, how I was slowly losing my life, my mind, my heart and myself, with the misery of it all.
    This is no good.
    You are right, you can't fix any of it.
    None of us can fix any of it.

    You have to stop it Sooootired, stop letting them rip your heart out.
    It does no good for anyone, you sacrificing your life in this way.
    Especially your grands.
    Mine, too.
    By their parents actions and choices, they are not learning respect.
    The only ones to teach them respect and show them, is US.
    How do we teach this?
    By respecting ourselves.
    By not allowing them to treat us badly.
    By refusing their wrong thinking that they are entitled to mistreat us, and we will love them anyway, give into them, because we are grandma.
    This is wrong for you, and wrong for them.
    They will not change.
    Only you can.
    You have value, and you matter Sooootired.
    By living this way, paying attention to your needs, living well, you are showing them how to live, too.

    Stay with us, and let us know how you are doing.
    You have helped me, by posting to you,
    I am remembering how this felt, what I allowed to happen, the desperation of it all. You are not alone dear, I have been right where you are.
    You can do this, small steps. The first, you have done, just by thinking about it, that is a step.

    Wishing you peace,

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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2016
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You vent away sister!! That's what we're here for.
    Detaching is not an easy thing to do and when there are grandchildren it makes it that much harder. Please don't be hard on yourself. If this were an easy thing to do we would not have the need for this forum. You have made progress in that your daughter is not living with you and that is huge!
    The progress we make in detachment can't be measured as it's different for everyone because while we are all dealing with a Difficult Child no two situations are the same.

    I'm sure there is some truth on both ends of this. Even when our children tell us they hate us, deep down inside they love us. Just as we love them even though their behavior is unlovable.
    Yes, I agree that she may "playing nice" in hopes that you will let your guard down. My son did this and was able to keep up the charade for over a year. You are wise to be cautious. (again, that's progress on your part)

    You are correct, you can't fix any of it nor should you. Even if you could wave a magic wand and make everything ok in your daughters world it still wouldn't be ok because your daughter would never value it. Your daughter must make changes for herself, no one can do it for her.

    I can see how this drains you. I do hope you are not giving them any money. I know it's not always easy to say no but the more you say no they will start to understand that you are not an ATM machine and they will stop asking.

    Oh dear friend, you can and should be enjoying your life. Positive affirmations can really help. In order to change our thinking, we have to change our thinking. Start small. Put a couple of sticky notes on your bathroom mirror, in your car, on the fridge and any other place you will see them and write things like:

    At first it may feel awkward but the more you repeat these positive affirmations to yourself the more they will become part of who you are.

    You know that old saying "fake it till you make it" there is actually some truth in it.

    I am sending you the biggest HUG and all my positive energy!!

    You hang in there!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    None of us were able to help ourselves at first.

    I was exactly in the place you are in. Different name, age, place. Same thing.

    By reading other posts, other threads, and seeing what comes up for you, and writing back, responding, you will change. Trust me, it will happen.

    We create the answers by posting. Reading about others' lives, and posting. We change. Try it. Stop being so hard on yourself and post.

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    Last edited: Jan 24, 2017
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi ST!

    Glad to 'see' you again!

    I wrote a long post to you, but I somehow posted in on the wrong thread!

    Needless to say, I don't think I can recreate it, but I do want to encourage you to post whenever you feel like it. And please post on others' threads as well, whenever you feel moved to contribute. Few of us are finished with our Difficult Child journey. We make it up as we go along. Join us.

    One other thing--happiness is a choice.

    I know that you feel that you can't be happy, or maybe you don't feel that you deserve to be happy, but you can and you do.

    Despite everything.

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  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with every word in Apple's post.

    I never believed I could move beyond where I was with my son. Especially, accepting that his health was his business, even if he dies as a consequence of his choices. I never ever believed I could move beyond that. Until I did.

    The key is posting. Really. Little by little you will begin to make different choices. And then all of a sudden, life changes, because you have changed. Really.

  14. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Vent away, ST, and I hope tonight you are feeling better. Venting sure helps me.

    I don't think any of us feel like we "got there." I know I sure don't...EVER. It is more like going through something that would have sent me bouncing off into the sunset and noticing after the fact that this time I only bounced halfway down the block. So I think it sounds to me like you are putting some pressure on yourself...I am not sure any of us ever truly "gets there."

    I don't want to be all Pollyanna here, but ST, are things really 3 times worse?

    At least in this area things are better, right? A year is a long time to sustain niceness just to manipulate you. Maybe she is growing up and starting to appreciate you?

    is it possible that things are better here too, that perhaps he is trying to provide for his family, to get a house with a nice yard for the kids to play in?

    Maybe your daughter has decided that right now she wants to focus on raising her family?

    I don't know...I'm just musing out loud here...but sometimes a change in perspective makes a huge difference.

    When I look back on what my husband and I survived on, it's really pretty amazing we made it at all. We couldn't afford the rent, couldn't afford groceries, couldn't afford me quitting my job...but somehow we did.

    The blunt truth is that this is their life, their successes to earn and their mistakes to make. It's not pretty to watch, but it also isn't yours to fix. It's THEIRS to fix.

    How would things change for you, ST, if you just put that down, that expectation you have imposed on yourself, that you should fix it?
  15. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    So Tired,
    I am following along with your post. You are not alone. I understand the tiredness. Re-read the article of detachment and take one day at a time taking care of yourself. Everyday I have to remind myself how to stay sane and peaceful and reaffirm the benefits of detachment. I have young grandchildren also, but even with them, I must realize I cannot be responsible for them, and have no authority and control over all the times of their lives. I have learned and must continue to remind myself to:
    · Stop trying to fix someone else’s problems
    · Stop trying to encourage change in someone who doesn’t want to change.
    · Stop giving repeated chances to someone who abuses/takes advantage of forgiveness and support.
    · Stop trusting nice-sounding words (often lies) while ignoring/tolerating destructive actions.
    · Stop giving my strength and effort toward a relationship that isn’t reciprocated.

    Take care dear. We understand. You are going to be alright. Day by day. A new day. Kalahou
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  16. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you sooo much!!! I love these 5 points I think I will copy them and put them somewhere that i will be reminded daily!!
  17. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Especially the last point! My son proved over and over he can't reciprocate so my efforts have ceased completely.
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Locus of control. In us or in somebody else.

    We have the potential to control only ourselves. When we try to change other people, we give up our own power, to them. Then we get mad at them when we were the ones who chose to do it.

    When we pull back, understanding that we have behaved inappropriately, too, by subordinating our own interests and welfare and sense of self, to gain control over them (which was futile) it gives our adult child the opportunity to behave appropriately.

    This gives them potential to reciprocate. To seek us out because they choose to.

    If we choose to be servile and to beg them (I did) they begin to hate us, and themselves. When we behave with dignity and self-respect, they can begin to respect themselves.

    I believe we need to accept that we have had some responsibility in creating these dysfunctional relationships, if we have allowed them to mistreat us, and have ignored their abuse of us and others. If we sought control over another adult, not wanting to accept their autonomy and right to self-determination, no matter what the reason, that too, needs to be recognized.

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  19. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Three years ago, the first time my son went to jail, I had no idea what he was in to. I tore out of work to rush home and start making calls to a bail bondsman so I could rescue him. I was so naive as to what he was doing at the time I just felt sick that he was in jail with the cities worst people. Lol.

    I was a total wreck, taking time off from work, wasting my valuable time and money to bail out my son who came out of jail with the attitude " it wasn't bad, food sucked, I couldnt sleep or tell what time it was, cops f***ed me over, all over weed residue in my passenger side door." Well this cop who busted him had caught him in the back of our neighborhood once before, smoking weed with a friend, and my son decided to run from him but got caught.

    He got arrested two more times after that. I bailed him out but he paid for it and attorneys fees, didn't cost me a dime - he used up all his savings and part of a small inheritance. Money he could have spent on college.

    I was stupid to have bailed him out each time but have since learned a LOT about enabling and detaching. I tried fixing my son by begging and pleading and it has just made him hate and disrespect me.

    I kickd him out months ago due to how awful he became towards me. Zero disrespect. Kid became a selfish ungrateful brat.

    Its broke my heart but it was the best thing I could have done. He has been working these past two weeks (full time) and living with a friend who I think has made him pull his weight.

    Tough love and me sticking to my boundaries has been painful and the hardest thing I've ever done but its working.

    My home is a peaceful refuge now, I can sleep all night without being woken up at 4am when he comes home from being out all night getting high and partying or dragging some girl home and shacking up in his bedroom. I no longer worry about what might be happening at home during the day while I'm at work. O get home and my house stinks from pot. I miss my son but I've detached. Each week is getting easier. Just gotta keep up my boundaries and focus on myself, not him.

    Looking back - I should have let him sit it out in jail each time. I should have kicked him out 3 years ago. I did him no favors rescuing him, believing him when he said it wasn't his fault, letting him live under my roof while being foul mouthed and disrespectful.

    But now he is out. He is finally working and figuring it out (I hope). I'm sure he is still getting high and partying but at least he is working. Heaven forbid he call me and share anything with me, no I'm being punished for kicking him out and giving up on him. I keep tabs on his Facebook page so I do see he is working as he is bragging about making good money and posted a hashtag #feelingaccomplished so hopefully working is giving him a little bit of pride.

    I didn't give up on my son, I just pushed him into the real world so he would (grow a couple) and learn how to become a man. He wasn't doing it on his own.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2016
  20. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    @sooooo tired , just checking in with you today to see how you are doing.

    Sending you ((HUGS))