I spoke to the warden today.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, Mar 5, 2007.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    About visiting while difficult child is on diciplinary. He said that difficult child is allowed 1 visit every thirty days from family and friends. UG that means if his crazy ex visits husband can't. He said husband could see difficult child this friday and if the guard gives him a hard time husband should ask him to call over to the warden. He also said that the caseworker from MH will be given access to difficult child as would any clergy that we could convince to visit him.

    The warden actually seems like a nice guy. Said that difficult child just won't do what he is told. We talked a little about difficult child's MH issues so at least the warden is now aware of them. He also said that maybe if we leave difficult child in prison for a while he will begin to come around. He said at least he is safe and not hurting anyone. The warden said that although they are not a mental health facility they are becoming more and more of one. He said that unfortunately once these difficult child kids reach 18 many of their supports fall away and many of them end up in trouble.

    The warden also said that if difficult child doesn't come around that we can expect him to be in and out of prison many times. Nothing new here just one more person in the system saying it doesn't work well but it is all we have. He said he wished he had answers but until someone starts throwing alot of money into mental health issues nothing is going to change much. He also told me he felt that would be the case for a long time to come even though they are beginning a MH court in our county soon.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm glad you were able to make contact, RM. I hope putting a bug in the warden's ear will ease some of your worry. I'm relieved for you that you found the warden to be a human being, a nice guy.

    Fingers crossed for difficult child.

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm sure it makes you feel better to know the warden is a decent guy. Hopefully difficult child will someday learn that he needs to follow the rules in order to get priviledges.

    Hope husband gets to visit him. Keep us posted.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you Suz and Karen. It is so odd, whenever they tell me that difficult child is going to be in prison for a while I feel almost relieved that I won't have to deal with him in person for another while. Then I get so angry with myslef for feeling that. I hate that he is in there and am concerned for his wellbeing but I also don't want him out until I know that he is going to put forth a real effort to change. I hurt for him, but I don't want to deal with his dysfunction.

    For instance last month when he was going to be paroled (before he did that incredibly stupid thing of unscrewing the vent cover). I was willing to help him get his placement and also get him plugged into a good support system but I didn't want to deal with him beyond that. I thought about letting him stay here until a place opened for him but I really didn't want to do it. On one hand I still feel a responsibility to help him due to his disabilities but on the other hand I just want to be free of his turmoil. My daily life is so much easier wthout him in it but there is also this terrible sadness and frustration just under the surface.

    It isn't so much that I'm conflicted. It is that I am frustrated that there is no really good place for my son that is affordable. I can find affordable places but they are simply not the right place for him and putting him in one would probably do nothing more than set him up for failure. The ones that are right for him are so incredibly expensive that I would have to win the mega millions jackpot to pay for them.

    On top of all of that I often wonder if bringing him to the level of functioning he is at was absolutely the wrong thing to do for him. I honestly believe that if I hadn't done all the therapy, all the Occupational Therapist (OT) and PT, the Special Education, tutors, and special private schools he would be better off. Without all that intervention he would have been so obviously disabled that he would not be in this place.

    While I know there was no way to predict this outcome it still saddens me that helping him might actually have hurt him more in the long run. Thanks for listening I guess I having a bad day.
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    <span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>I so know what you are saying about him being in prison. I felt the same way, it was just easier to disengage and yet know they have a place to sleep and food to eat.

    I refused to even visit when he went to prison. I would write, but could not make myself go there. He knows if he ends up in prison again, I will not visit him. Don't know if that helps keep him on the straight and narrow, but just a line I decided to draw.

    The expensive places don't always work either for treatment, so don't think going in to debt to afford one of these places will necessarily change/"fix" him.

    Just wanted to let you know we are thinking of you and hoping for the best for your family....</span>
  6. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I'm so sorry RM that you are having a bad day. It's nice that you got to talk to the warden. I agree, not much will change unless tons of money gets put into prevention and counseling. Even then...who knows whether it will really change anything.

    My prayers are with you.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">While I know there was no way to predict this outcome it still saddens me that helping him might actually have hurt him more in the long run. </div></div>

    Reading this just broke my heart because I could relate to your feelings, RM.

    Rob's sister was adopted by a seasoned adoptive Mom and Dad. I think they've adopted something like 18 kids (and have 3 bios). She told me lots of things but several things really stuck with me. One was "You will probably never know what a difference you have made in Rob's life. Maybe he will only get one prison term instead of two. Maybe it will be life in prison instead of the death sentence."

    Yes, she was being sarcastic. But she was also being sincere. And trying to help me see that I had a positive influence even when I felt like I'd been a failure.

    At the time she and I chuckled in a sardonic way but the truth is, we really don't know what kind of impact we've had on our boys.

    Rob "presents" as *normal* so people expect normal behavior from him. They can't see his skewed thinking. I suspect it is similar with your son. So if they *seem* normal and aren't there almost seems like a double whammy.

    I don't have any answers, that's for sure. I don't even know if you will find any comfort in what I've said. I guess I just want you to know that I understand your heartbreak.

  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Whymemom, I don't think there is anywhere but here that I could tell about how I feel and be truly understood. Thank you.

    Sunny, If I wasn't so exhausted from raising up my difficult child's and easy child 2
    I think I could be a lobbist for mental health. Unfortnately I am just too exhausted and only want peace and quiet to do my art now. Hopefully someone else will do that and make life easier for all the other moms who will walk in our shoes in the future.

    Suz, Yes, you do give me comfort to know someone can truly relate to how I feel. I have often thought that our sons were similar. Mine does present as normal initially and people tend to expect wa more of him than he is capable of.

    I am off to bed. I hope I can shake this sad mood. I have alot I want to accomplish before my surgery and when I am feeling depressed I cannot do much of anything. Funny how even that has changed for me. I used to get busy and throw myself into house cleaning or my art or advocating or comunity service. Now I just sit and when too restless to sit I pace. I accomplish nothing and feel guilty about accomplishing nothing. That is where I usually am able to break the mood because I get angry with myself for acting so pitiful.
  9. judi

    judi Active Member

    RM - just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I know this must be so very hard for you and I feel so bad.
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    <span style='font-family: Microsoft Sans Serif'>hi there, and heartfelt hugs and a moment of silence...

    I talked yesterday to a dad who has been there for his daughter from birth. he is a wonderful dad, never ever dropping the ball. his daughter is an addict and still young enough to be in the juvenile justice system from her use.

    he has been all a dad should be, not one thing was left out in helping her recovery. he and his wife have never stopped loving her. she relapsed and is back in the system.

    he cannot say he failed her somehow. he didnt. in fact, you and he and many here are true heroes. hoping against hope, getting exhausted, then revitalized and standing firm against the foe again. armouring ourselves, letting nothing stop us from seeking the answers.

    your son will always be your son. he will not always be in prison. they cannot hold him forever. meanwhile sometimes all we have left is to pray for them and let their path be determined by God. trust Him to intervene. take time to renew yourself while your Maker handles things for a while. </span>
  11. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Hugging you, RM.

    It's hard to know who we are, after we have dealt with crisis after crisis and there has been no successful resolution and our kids are still suffering.

    I am not sure, because I am still finding my way through all this too, but I think we do come back into some kind of emotional balance as time passes.

    I do remember that I would become depressed after the crisis time was over ~ part of it might be that the constant adrenalin rush that kept us fighting for our children isn't happening anymore, and without it, we finally feel our own exhaustion.

    Sometimes, I look at myself, at the depression, as a very deep well that has had too much water drawn out. The good, clear water that filled the well in the first place needs to seep back in, to fill the well again.

    And that takes time.

    That imagery helps me to know there will come a time when I will have energy, when I will be full, and will feel clear-headed, again.

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Judi, thank you for your kind words. They are truly appreciated. With husband away most of the week virtual hugs are often the only hugs I get.

    Janet, As usual you are very comforting. I know my son will get out eventually. It is just so hard knowing that he could have been out and going about his life so very long ago IF he could/would (?) do what he needed to do. It is looking more and more like he is going to do 18 months instead of the four that he could have done if he had adhered to the program offered to him. You are correct at this point I do have to renew myself and let the Lord lead. I am just afraid that He is trying to tell me something and I am not hearing what it is because I am so weary. -RM
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Barbara, You snuck in while I posted to Janet and Judi. you are probably right about the adrenelin thing and the choas just making us franticly pro active. Once removed from the chaos we do feel the exhaustion just as wewould after strenous physical activity. I know I have to renew myself. But like you I sometimes don't have the energy to kick my own :censored2: and get moving to do things that give me pleasure.

    My pooch escaped from the yard this morning. I was forced out into the bitter cold (windchill 0 degrees)to look for him. I live in a small city and was extreemly worried. I found him after about a 15 minute search. Such a joyful relief to see him bounding over to me with his tail wagging. I can feel joyful and be very spontaneous yet that joy doesn't last long. I wish it were not so bitter cold so I could stay outside or go to the beach and take in the beauty of God's creations. I find that so renewing to just sit and watch and listen to the sounds of the ocean and the gulls.

    Well I am off to the local Walmart. I noticed that my poochie's licence expired in January. I gotta get him a new one and some bungie cords to keep the gates closed when he pushes against them. I also need to buy a zipper for the slip cover I am making for my sofa. i think I'll buy a powerball ticket too. Who knows maybe I'll get lucky. Then i'll be able to build a proper facility for all our difficult child's to live out their days and we all can have some peace! -RM
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: rejectedmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I am just afraid that He is trying to tell me something and I am not hearing what it is because I am so weary. -RM </div></div>

    I think he's trying to tell you that you have to start doing for yourself and let him take over with difficult child. You have done all you can and now it is up to difficult child. I have never had to deal with difficult child being in jail, so I won't pretend to know how you feel. The way I see it is that he is in a safe place with a roof over his head and food and you aren't dealing with him living under your roof. Take this time to get your life back together and gain strength.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm with Karen. It's time for you to take care of yourself and your easy child. difficult child needs most to know that the way his life is going is a result of his own actions, not yours or husband's. You need to stop renting him space in your head. Maybe only respond when he reaches out, rather than reach out when he's not asking for help?
  16. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Try this, RM.

    Every morning without fail, write three pages of chain of consciousness thinking and then, stop.

    Do not reread the pages. Save them, but don't look at them until three months have passed.

    No one gets to see them. No one has to know you are doing them.

    Three pages, then stop.

    Have you read The Artist's Way or The Artist's Way at Work?

    I know you paint.

    I suggest that you pick up one of these books at the library.

    They have made a remarkable difference, for me.

    Whatever else you do?

    Tomorrow morning, write three pages (one side only) and stop.

  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Karen and Witz, Maybe you are right. Maybe I am just supposed to take care of me now. difficult child writes to me and he always says he misses us and loves us and is sorry. He asks us to visit, write or help him find a place to stay or help with his home plan. So in that sence he is reaching out. I guess that is part of why it is so very sad that he keeps sabatoging his release. But you are right I need to put him out of my head more than I do.

    Barbara, I do journal, not everday, but I do journal how I am feeling. I will look into those books. although i have read many self help books, I am not familiar with those two. -RM
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I agree he is reaching out, but if he's only allowed one visitor a month and he's choosing his girlfriend, reaching out seems to be in theory, only.

    I wonder what would happen if he went ahead and took that one visit a month with his girlfriend, and when he said "Please come see me" you had to tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't, because girlfriend used up all your visiting time." Then you would really know whether he was reaching out, or just making the mewling kitten noises that have always gotten your attention in the past. After all, life is all about the choices we make.

    I'm thinking that not only do you need to take this time to take care of yourself and easy child, but he also needs to take this time to learn how to stand on his own feet as much as he can in his limited circumstances - make his own choices about budgeting time and people. When he gets out, it is going to be very difficult for him. More difficult than it was before, because he will have an adult record. Will he be strong enough to stand on his own, or will he fall back on you?
  19. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Actually RM? The three pages can be anything. They can be about how you feel, or about what you need to get at the grocery store, or whatever. The purpose is to drain extraneous baloney so our thoughts run a little clearer.

    It doesn't take long, if you do it first thing in the morning.

    Write til you fill the pages on one side and then, stop.

    I write them when I am having my coffee and am not even fully awake yet.

    They don't even have to be coherent or properly punctuated!

    No one is ever going to read them ~ maybe not even you.

    The pages are written to drain extraneous junk from our thoughts.

    Wishing well, RM.