Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lou lou, Nov 9, 2017.
My daughter just texted me that she will sleep in my car if I let her live with me.
This is so hard.
Hi Lou Lou.
This is indeed very difficult. Is your daughter homeless. She’s she have a drug issue?
What other options does she have besides sleeping in your car?
You are not alone in this journey.
Welcome Lou Lou.
Without knowing any specifics, age of your daughter, drug abuse, homelessness, mental illness, abuse to you, etc....it's a bit more difficult to offer support.
However, as you can see, you are not alone. All of us here have troubled adult kids who for one reason or another have gone off the rails. For starters, you might read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If you've been enabling your adult daughter, you might read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, it's an excellent reference for us parents. If your daughter has mental or emotional issues, you can contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they will provide YOU with information, support, resources and guidance as well as options for your daughter. They have very good courses for us parents to take.
If your daughter is a substance abuser, it is very helpful to attend Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous meetings. Many parents here find solace in the 12 step groups.
In most towns, there are homeless shelters. You can google the ones in your area. In addition, most towns have food banks. Many of our adult kids refuse to follow the rules set forth for them in our homes and they either choose or we choose to make them leave. That's a very distressing scenario for all of us, but many times it becomes necessary as our kids can be manipulative, cruel and quite disrespectful to us.
If you have a history with your daughter which has been ongoing and you've requested her to leave, it may be prudent for you to hold fast to your decision.
Whatever the situation is, it is essential for you to get support for YOU. When we've been at this for a long time, we become depleted, exhausted and worn out from the demands that our troubled kids can relentlessly place on us. Many of us have private therapists which provide us with the ways in which WE can change so that WE can set boundaries, say no and take care of ourselves and remove ourselves from the hamster wheel our kids can drag us around on.
When you feel ready, provide a bit more info so we can better support you. It's very beneficial to write down our stories and share them with folks who get it on a deep level. We've all been there.
In the meantime, hang in there, you're not alone, we understand how devastating this is. Be kind to yourself. Take care of you. I'm glad you're here.
Thank you very much for the advice. I’m sorry I am new to this my original story was under the name Barry and I was advised to use a alias name. I changed it but forgot that noone would know my
Lou lou. I found your original post down a ways, entitled "I am paralyzed with fear" , posted on Tues Nov 7th. I'm quoting below so folks will remember:
I am following along. This is hard stuff we deal with. The bottom line is that anything you try to do to help will not be appreciated and will likely make no difference at all in the long run, with these types of folks. Stay with us and stay patient with learning the detachment and wisdom from others on this site, who have been through similar situations. I am sorry you are going through this. We understand. You are not alone.
lou lou. hi and welcome.
you said it in your first sentence of your initial post.
"i have nothing left to give."
that is your place to stand.
you are worth protecting. even from (especially from) your own child who must stand on her own.
most of us have been in situations similar to yours.
this is not your fault. you deserve to be secure. now that the baby is coming i believe it is imperative you make a boundary. she will use the baby to bargain and to extort what she wants from you. no good will come of that. especially for the baby.
there is deep, deep pain in this. but by posting you will get through this and some of us come to thrive.
ps with a baby she will qualify for aid and subsidized housing. she need not be homeless.
Thank you very much for fixing my post, I’m new and all over the place. I appreciate you advice. I feel like I have been on this site every moment since I found it Tuesday. I appreciate the strength and stories everyone has. This site has been helpful already. Thanks again.
Hi Lou lou,
I'm so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing.
As you shared in your original post, when your daughter went off to college she had a new found freedom and made a choice to party. Her claiming that it was too difficult to work and go to school is a very thin excuse. She managed to party just fine. You eluded to something bad that happened to her, I have a pretty good idea what that might be. You expressed that you got her help and she chose not to follow through.
Unfortunately you cannot force someone to get help. This is also very common behavior in that by not dealing with "it", "it" didn't happen and "it" will go away. Your daughter is choosing to self medicate and this is not only in the form of using alcohol or drugs, she can also be using people, her current boyfriend.
You have gone above and beyond to help your daughter. You allowed her and the boyfriend to live with you. Much more generous than I would have been. I'm glad they are no longer living with you.
I know how much your heart hurts but here's the thing, your daughter wants to live her life on her terms but as soon as things start to fall apart she expects you to come to her rescue. This is the most common thread with all of our difficult adult children, they want to live an adult life that is void of all responsibility. In other words, they want to live in a fantasy land.
We as parents have hopes and dreams for our kids, that they will grow up into loving, responsible adults. When that doesn't happen we are crushed.
There is a fine line between helping and enabling our adult children. It's very easy to cross the line. Our children will use our emotions to blackmail us into enabling them. Of course they don't see it this way but that's the reality of it. All they see is that mom and dad should "fix" things instead of owning responsibility for their own actions. The danger in enabling is it prolongs the inevitable in that we as parents wont' be around forever and at some point our difficult adult children will be forced to take care of themselves.
Each of us as parents can only do what we are comfortable with. There is no one size fits all answer. The best thing we can do is gain as much information as we can to help us make a more informed decision. There is a wealth of information within these pages from parents who have been fighting this battle for a long time. I wish I had found this site many years ago and I could have save myself years of heartache and thousands of dollars.
There comes a time when we have to let go. When that "time" is, well that's different for everyone.
My advice to you is this, find programs in the area your daughter is in that can help her. Most towns have pregnancy crisis centers. Also find addresses of homeless shelters. Arm yourself with information. When your daughter reaches out to you for help give her the names of these places. Yes, she will not be happy with you because she wants you to swoop in, kiss her boo boo's and make everything okay. Problem is, she's not a child anymore, she's a grown woman making adult decisions. Giving her money will never solve her problems.
Something else that has helped me was to grieve the relationship I had hoped for with my son. To grieve for the sweet little boy that I had hoped would turn into a loving responsible man.
There is a very good article on detachment.
Here is the link https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/
Don't mistake detaching for not loving or caring about your daughter. Detaching is letting go of the chaos and drama. It's accepting that our adult children are choosing to live a life we don't agree with.
Hang in there and know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself.
It is this grief and pain that I am struggling to get through.
Such a fine line. It is a daily practice to keep it in check.
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