I'd like to say once again....I hate

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Mar 12, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    attachment disorder. Absolutely hate it! :grrr:

    Let's just say that it is becoming more difficult to visit wm with all his manipulations, demands, lack of personal boundaries, etc, etc, etc.

    Foster mum & I are in agreement that wm will be stopped in his tracks the very second he starts up - I leave & head home.

    I hate dreading a visit with wm. I love my son & want so very much to be more involved in his life. This very disorder negates the nurturing & love I'd like to give him.

    Yup, hate attachment disorder!!!!

    Okay, I feel better now (not really, but I'm going to fake it :rolleyes:).

    Thanks for listening. :warrior:
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I don't have any personal experience with full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) except what I've watched my sister go through. It isn't easy to be the unplayable brick wall to their behavior, and then to have others think you a mean, mean person..so unfair. You should find a special "treat" place to stop at on your way home.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Linda -

    I'm sorry your heart is hurting. I also understand hard it is when all you want to do is enjoy your child and you can't.

    Hang in there :warrior:

  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs {{{Linda}}}
  5. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    I'm sorry things are so bad. I don't know about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), so I can't say anything but my thoughts are with you. Hope things get better. :flower:
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Linda, how does one treat Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)? How does one "detach", but be there for their child? Seems like a double-edge sword to me. Oddly enough, the professionals state that difficult child has the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but we adopted him at birth, so it shouldn't play a part in his treatment, but.......! We just returned from his weekly appointment. with the psychologist where difficult child sat there and wouldn't talk. The doctor told me it was the worst appointment they'd ever had. My difficult child is on spring break this week...now WHY would he behave that way? We're leaving on Wed. for our daughter's house in MA and I thought he was excited and if nothing else, would talk to the doctor about THAT. I just plain do NOT know how to deal with this. I can't give up, he's my son, but there are days that I just want to do nothing to help! I feel like this is yet another episode of him "controlling" the situation. Yes, Linda, I hear ya loud and clear!
  7. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm so sorry. I can understand why yhis is hard. I'm sure it's heartbreaking.
  8. Janna

    Janna New Member


    I understand your loathing. Truly do.

    I think it's great foster mom and you are able to have a plan in place. Maybe wm is trying his manipulation to see how far he's going to get? Hopefully once he sees he'll be stopped head on, it'll cease.

    Sending gentle hugs.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thanks ladies...Janna I knew you'd understand. Foster mum & I have a good working relationship & we spent 45 minutes on the phone this morning working out a plan for young "master wm". It will also be brought up at his next staffing.

    Pamela, I'm in no way detaching from the child - wm's given choices to behave appropriately (he knows & is redirected constantly). I inform wm very firmly that I would like him to "redo" that & that I love him. I let him know that the choice he's made makes it hard for me to be around him safely.

    While wm has severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ultimately, he needs to work his treatment plan - needs to be a part of the team who's working so hard on his behalf.

    I've taken to using Sue's little comment - show me the money, wm. Your actions/choices are telling me differently than your mouth.

    It's been decided that there will be no visit this coming weekend (kt's first weekend home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC)). Maybe, just maybe, letting wm stew in his juices will help.

    The entire team is in agreement on this decision. Will it work? Probably not at this point - just haven't a clue what else to try until next therapist appointment.

    Thanks again for listening.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "but we adopted him at birth, so it shouldn't play a part in his treatment,"

    Pamela, there are some who will agree with this statement but I am surely not one of them and either are many many others that I know who have adopted children at birth and who have dealt with issues of attachment. Experts in the field recognize that attachment begins forming at conception and when that bond is broken it leaves a hole that sometimes cannot be filled.

    There are many of us here who have seen that first hand and evn though you will hear from some that children adopted at birth cannot have these issues, it i snot true.

    Hugs for what you and Linda and so many of us have dealt with.

  11. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Oh Linda, I wasn't suggesting for one second that you detach. I'm wondering HOW to do it for myself (drawing from your acquired knowledge on the subject due to your involvement in this board). You've done such a wonderful job at accepting that you are doing the very best for your child and I commend you. Probably if the truth were known, my difficult child most likely belongs in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or boot camp or something somewhere where he could get the help he doesn't seem to be getting. I don't know how I would get along without him, but it's increasingly difficult to live with him. Negativity is bountiful, his mouth is as big as Grand Canyon, he repeatedly rakes me over the coals.....and I continue to feel like we're beating our heads against the wall.
  12. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Nancy, have you had doctors who told you that children like my son could have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)? OMG.......I've dismissed it over the years because of what our doctors have told us! He fits so many of the criteria, though. Do you know how these children are generally treated? After eleven years, we still don't have much of a concrete diagnosis, we just go along treating each symptom as it crops up...(not that anything has really worked very well). All I can say is that his Focalin XR helps the ADHD....the rest of it is up for grabs. He's such a complicated little guy and has my heart.
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Pamela, I didn't intend to come across as defensive - if I did so, I apologize.

    If I hadn't learned to detach the child from the illness/disorder/behavior I would have surely lost my mind by now.

    I've learned over the years to tolerate a great deal; wms' aggression, violence & inability to accept my personal boundaries have forced my hand in regards to an out of home placement. Not my first choice - but the only resource we have on hand.

    For my little guy, this is the best we can do for the time being. I pray that he gets with the program sooner rather than later.

    I fear so much of this, for wm, in hardwired, if you will. Retraining the brain to react differently is a crap shoot & takes so very much time.

    Attachment/adoption issues are frequently a part of our difficult children problems. kt & wm had chaos in their lives from conception.
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can so understand your hating of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I'm glad you and foster mum are on the same page. Hugs to you my friend.
  15. On_Call

    On_Call New Member


    I have no experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but want to send {{{hugs}}} to you now. I think skipping the visit with wm this coming weekend sounds like a good plan. Get kt settled in and then deal with everything else.

    It does sound like you have a great team with foster mom. That is so good. Perhaps if wm sees that there is no 'wiggle room' with the two of you working together, he will have no choice but to change his way of thinking. Crossing my fingers that he comes that realization sooner than later.

    Stay strong, warrior mom! :warrior: