i'm a bit apprehensive about tmrw

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, May 7, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    So, I spent alot of time today thinking. difficult child was here most of the day, yet she had a get together with a friend at the library which was awesome, than her friend returned home and they hung out for a bit. which was simply great.

    I gardened all day long inbetween dinner etc.. Finally stopped around 8ish, planted my first japenese maple tree, last week i put a magnolia tree in. their babies super small.

    Anyway, i'm openly admitting that I am apprehensive about tomorrow. I know what my goals are for the day for difficult child and I. We do have a plan. Yet as you all know it's also easy child's birthday. husband and I have stuck firm with absolutely no gift or celebration if we are contacted by her.

    I guess i'm apprehensive about how itll feel in the a.m. to sit there for the first time in 18 years without easy child at mother's day "big scrambled eggs before husband runs off to work". Also apprenhensive about how it'll feel overall for me. I guess how difficult child will feel as well knowing full well it's her sister's birthday and mother's day. Apprenhensive about whether or not easy child will do a late drive by to run in say a quick happy mother's day and expect a gift.

    All i know is whatever goes down i desperately want calm. We've gotten a taste of it as of late and I like mundane. Worst experience today was difficult child and I trying to replant one of our trees lol . I don't want my emotions to overrun me tmrw. on any level. I want to appear happy and centered for difficult child. I've done well so far, yet tmrw. let's face it will be a double hit for me.

    the support here, advice has been tremendous. Yet one mind trick that i've found that works..... is simply stating I do not want to be my Mom. easy child is not my possession, she is a free willed person to do as she such please's now. it is not that way with my Mom, she is controlling and it has been a bumpy 41 years as her daughter.

    I want to be empowered, believe what i feel in regards to how we are all deciding to move forward with this. If i believe in what I do I find, i can do it with great conviction.

    I purposely told difficult child tonight we go seperate. no movie in moms' room tonight. tonight i need quiet, peace go watch t.v. in den for a bit so i came in here to post this. followed by a bubble bath..... and more processing.

    thing is i'm human and I know at some point it's going to sting. I can feel it rearing it's ugly head tonight a bit. it was just 3 short weeks ago she was texting me updates on where she would be etc. it's been a huge shift in gears for me. I guess other recent stuff weighs heavy too which adds on to it all.

    I know as i said what i have to do. I guess best thing is to "shelf" it tmrw. get thru day with difficult child do what's best for me, for difficult child and later on when she's sleeping allow myself to feel whatever is going on. I"m pretty good at shelfing......

    yes?? clearly i can't get emotional infront of difficult child.... i've held it together so far.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Jen, all I can say is to remember- how many of us really wanted to spend our 18th b-day with our mother or any family? I didn't spend mine with my mother, and didn't want to. I won't even be speaking to my son on Mother's Day. The age group you are dealing with isn't one that is focused on "mom". Are you sitting here tonight worrying about how to make your mother happy tomorrow?
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sounds like you're somewhat in a better place now.

    Tomorrow? I will call my mom and wish her happy mother's day. I'll relate to her all about the wedding and the reception. We'll chat about the grandkids and great grandkids. It will be nice.

    Nichole did the spa day for both my birthday and mother's day. She I hope enjoys a nice mother's day of her own. I know what Aubrey has made for her. lol shhhh it's a secret!

    easy child's husband has taken her to a movie tonight after the reception for her mother's day surprise. His mom is watching the kids. (shocker there) Darrin is still agonizing over a birthday/mother's day gift for me. easy child let's him handle it or he gets upset. lol He could pick me a dandelion and I'd be thrilled.

    Personally? I just want to kick back and relax tomorrow. I hope my girls enjoy their own days. It's not necessary to share it with me. It's been a busy week.

    Enjoy your day tomorrow. It will be what it will be. Relax and have some fun.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    klmno makes a valid point about the birthday.

    My 18th birthday I went full blown difficult child on my mom. I had a drinking party with my softball team and dared her to attempt to stop me. (18 wasn't legal age even then) She didn't say a word. Had it at my sis' house. Came home wasted.

    Never cared to repeat it. It was my declaration of independence. My mom was very controlling too.

    I'm sure it must have hurt her feelings a little bit at least. But she'd been through it 4 times already........which is why she didn't say a word.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno that's a great point. good i'm using that! thank you LOL...... thats' all i needed a nice one liner...... i can use that with difficult child also.

    i'm all about having a relaxing day tmrw. i think i'm really nervous about her creating a scene. she will at some point show up for a gift, thats' who she is unfortunately. plus i think i'm a little mushy after the diagnosis yesterday or day before was it. yes memory loss is part of it :)

    i gardened today and it took me 6 hours to do what i'd normally do in 3. i had to keep taking breaks. legs were hurting, fell over a few times lol. the reality of it is slowly hitting, the new challenges it will present. the dr. didnt' mean to, yet by examining me he threw me into another flare up. he kept hitting my joints with this tool. so i've been in discomfort since than.

    advil here i come....... i had a nice long talk with myself in my bubble bath and that one liner i'm good to go for tmrw. ok we can delete this post now :) lol......

    klmno i hope your days good tmrw lunch with a friend. it can't be easy for you either, at some point that sting hits...
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Jena -

    MS is fairly common around here - indirect family have had it also...
    Just something to think about: the only ones we knew who kept theirs fairly under control, were the ones who learned to go with the flow - both their own (the ups and downs of MS) and the ups-and-downs of those around them... somehow, they set their goals less lofty, and yet lived life large. When I was a teen, I remember one "old" man (he probably wasn't over 55!) with MS and a cane... and he'd been like that for as long as I could remember, and wasn't much worse than that when his life ended due to non-MS issues (he was a vet) - but he was the most laid-back, even-keel, go-with-the-flow person I ever knew - and when I stated that to him, he said he learned that after the diagnosis of MS.

    Learning to not stress out is... well... if someone has some great advice on that line, we could probably ALL use that.

    Also hard to learn, but useful, is to "stage" your activities... don't work until you're tired, or your legs ache, etc. - plan to do smaller pieces and enjoy those pieces, but stop before there's issues... I've had to start learning that due to a different not-quite-formal diagnosis (RA).

    It just doesn't help when your kids send you from one crisis to another... !
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks for the story...... yes you are right. i don't know who i'm trying to prove something to lol. I was in such pain last night laying in bed. I do have to learn to pace myself now, it's silly to push forward so hard on anything and cause further pain.

    as far as my daughter goes, today will hurt. I woke up and it hurt a bit. it's alot different when their older to say it's ok they don't spend the day with me. When their just 18, today is her birthday, she's a mess haven't seen her in days or heard from her. it's a whole other can of worms.

    such is life. thanks for sharing though you are very correct.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Mine lived at home on their 18th birthday, and I don't recall spending time with either one that day. They wanted to celebrate with friends.
    I grew up on a very large family farm; we didn't celebrate birthdays much past 10. It was ok.
    Use klmno's line. Remember where you wanted to be at 18.
    And give yourself I wonderful day!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jena..I have had to learn a very sad thing about myself since becoming disabled. I am not who I used to be and I cannot do what I want to do. I am so horribly sad and upset about that.

    Easter 2010, I got tickets for the White House Easter Egg Roll and I took my granddaughters. This was a once in a lifetime event. I was probably more excited than they were. In the end, I was so miserable I almost died in Difficult Child. I wanted to just sit down on some corner and cry because I hurt so badly. I had all these rescue squad people hovering over me while my daughter in law took the kids all over the place. I simply couldnt walk. It was miserable. If it wasnt for the kindness of strangers carrying Keyana down escalators I would have had to sit in Difficult Child until Tony came and got me. I was just so done.

    I had to make sure they had handicap accessible facilities at the race track. Did I need to bring my chair or what? They told me they had golf carts that would take me around. It was good but still a chore. I came home and my knees were swollen to the size of grapefruits. It took me until this morning before I could actually walk outside my bedroom.

    I am going to find the Spoons letter for you.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Shari you too i'm so sorry about your ankle....

    janet your the absolute best grandmother, truly...... you have given those children so much. Each time i read a post of yours about what it is you do for them it warms me and touches me.

    can we borrow you please?????? i'm telling you with all our junk here when i read your posts about kenya etc. it puts a smile on my face. one thing we are looking forward to and you will laugh is the special handicapped parking lol. husband and i were trying to come up with lists the other night of benefits of ms. lol. holiday shopping will be easier. thanks my friend ((hugs))) hope your day is a good one.

    difficult child and husband and i had a quiet a bit awkward but nice breakfast. my mother in law who i never speak to called me, she's so sweet. we spent like twenty minutes on the phone. she's a good mom. i may pass by her later, she's all alone today. we'lll c how our day shakes out
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It's not easy as our difficult child's or easy child's get older when special days like mothers day comes along, but just to let you know even the best kids in the world can dissapoint you on mothers day :)
    My difficult child son met my boyfriend and I for pizza in the afternoon. Spent an entire hour with me on mothers day :), but my easy child daughter went away to a bachlorette party in New Jersey for the weekend came home too hung over to even get out of bed to wish me happy mothers day. Left a yankee candle bag on the kitchen table with 2 candles, unwrapped and no card. LOL!!
    First mothers day I spent without my easy child daughter, but hey, guess I just have to get over it!