I'm back from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)

[1905]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for the beautiful cards, I didn't get them until just recently. I didn't have your addresses until just know and will recipricate. It is taking me awhile to adjust to normal. All I can say at this point , because I could write a book , is I'm glad to be home. I checked myself out. I need to go back there though, because what I thought I could do on my own, isn't happeneng and I've lost 3 of the 7 pounds they made me gain.

I don't know what to say. I'm not ever mentioning this again, I can lie to husband-until he realizes that I'm "restricting". He's reallly become educated on eating disorders, but I've become educated in the way a criminal learns how to be a better crimainal in jail. by the way, I was in a very nice Residential Treatment Center (RTC), like someone's donated mansion. It was nice. I couldn't handle the weight gain. I am still trying to do it on my own and maintain where I'm at now. I've missed you all and hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

 

[ML]

OMG, as I was logging into the computer I had this flash and thought "I haven't seen UAN in a while, I wonder how she is doing. And then I see this! I have missed you dear girl.

I hope you have ongoing outpatient therapy. It sounds like you still have some healing to do. Please let me know how we/I can best support you during this time.

I know you can do this. You are stronger than you know. You just have to turn all your energy into loving yourself enough to make some difficult changes. I know it's hard but I also know you WILL do this. We are here for you.

PM me any time.

Love and hugs xoxo ML

 

[trinityroyal]

Alyssa,

First off, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}.

This is a very hard road you're travelling. My personal belief is that eating disorders are an addiction, and possibly the hardest addictions to shake. Mainly because, unlike alcohol or drugs, you can't just give up food. You have to find a way to manage your relationship with food that you can maintain for life.

My experience of eating disorder treatment is similar--I learned "tricks of the trade" from other patients, we compared notes, etc.

I think your realization that you need to go back to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) shows tremendous insight and strength. It's really hard to change the behaviour on your own, when you have all the old familiar triggers and stresses that make you want to restrict. I'm very proud of you for recognizing that.

Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You CAN do this. I know you can. There is life on the other side of this.

If you want to PM me any time, please do.

Trinity

 

[1905]

Back again, involutary this time. 5 days in a real phsyc ward. I'm going somewhere else for 28 days, so says husband. No, I will never go. Who cares? I've been through enough, my family is here, needs me, and thinks I've completely gone 'round the bend. So, I 'm skinny? I will not be force fed again. Compliant as I was, no more. I feel like taking a bunch of medicne- No I won't die, but I am not leaving. husband can leave. I can't have the arguments. How did things get this way? I fainted twice, but now I'm fine. I will drink so my BiPolar (BP) won't get low, that's all.I just kept insisting that I didn't have an eating disorder so the Dr. said I did and was arguing with me, I should have played the game. I am mad as heck and am not doing this. Do you guys agree?

 

[Star*]

Hi kiddo,

Do I agree that you can fool people into believing what you feel is right and can't make anyone else understand? (shrug) It would be very hard to figure it all out and referee this. Why? Okay here it is. I watched this show where a man had 2 healthy legs. He hated the right leg. Hated it, couldn't stand how it felt and wanted it removed. Wanted it removed so badly that he did not care about what WE (people who have 2 feet and walk without crutches) thought about him being an amputee. (I know nothing to do with skinny talk but follow me me here) So one day this urge in his mind go so strong he got out a bucket, and some chemicals and sat in his living room and froze his leg off.

Now you and me? Sitting right here, right now might think - "That's a little extreme, how odd, what was he thinking?" But the urge for him to do this was so overwhelming - he took his own leg off. Doctors tried to save it, the flesh just literally rotted off, and they amputated. Okay - so then his depression went away, he got a prosthetic foot,and hopped around - but his brain said "I'm better." The rest of us watching this show said 'You had 2 healthy feet and took one off - are you nuts? What is wrong with you?"

What this guy did to himself wasn't going to kill him, but something in his brain said he wouldn't be right,or happy or okay unless he did this; to us it just made no sense why he would take a perfectly good foot and freeze it off.

So how does this relate to anorexia and you my friend? (exhale) In a way, your brain is doing a similar thing. Your brain is telling you - don't eat. Something in your brain says if you eat, it will make you sad. The rest of us don't have that feeling at all, could not possibly know what that is like; although you did an excellent job of making me understand when you said you can actually feel the food becoming fat. I got that explanation so well and won't forget it. It was excellent. But other than that? It about the same to me as the guy who had to take off his foot. To me? It is a self-harming behavior.

To you? Just like the guy who wanted that foot gone? It feels so normal that when you try to explain it? It just frustrates you. The people you love are saying "Here....eat, please we love you, if you love us....you'll eat." and your brain is telling you "If you love me[yourself] you won't put another thing in your mouth." Am I fairly on track with your brain?

But....the HUGE difference between the man with the missing foot and you and food? He can live without a foot. And odder yet? He replaced the foot he took off with a fake foot. You can't replace your muscles, brain function, liver, pancreas, kidneys, heart, and all the other body parts that require food for energy like a car needs gas....with anything BUT nutrition and so there is your challenge. The only way to get nutrition is HOW?

It seems to me that someone would have come along already and made this connection. See I don't think anorexia is an eating disorder. Too much emphasis is all about food here. There is something in your brain somewhere that tells you - DON'T chew. IF it were turned off....you'd be like the rest of us. Just like the guy with the foot. AFTER he took off his foot Doctors found out there is a condition and a place in his brain that actually was overstimulated and others have the problem like him and they destimulated the brain and they lost the sensation to remove their apendages.

I actually see them doing this with anorexics. It's like making a fish walk on land asking you to eat....but that's the battle for you my friend. If you don't overcome the whatever it is in your head....and fight it? Maintain a healthy weight and stop fainting? You won't be here for me to talk to. I'm just getting to know you...I really like you. I'm not ready to say goodbye to you....you send really cool cards. But I have no answers on how to help you. Heck you're the one helping me understand all of this.

So I'm not going to tell you to eat....but I am going to ask that you think about what I've written and just let me know if I even have some grasp of even a portion of what you're going through. I'm not looking for a fix either...just a friend. Hope you are too...one that just wants to understand, not point....and hug...not yell. And maybe guide, not dictate.

Okay ----well I must go find a glucose meter. Prick. lol.

Hugs & Love girl.....you're the only you we have. Remember that.
Star
Snickers all around......

 

[1905]

WoW! Star you hit it on the head. husband made me eat a piece of pizza, in front of the kids, I didn't say no. How did I get to the point where pizza can make me cry? I know, I know this is insane. I'm fixing it so I don't have to go away. There is no way I'm leaving again. I will do what I have to. Thank you for caring. Honestly, I took pills, Serequil and Kolonopin, lots of them, but I woke up. I won't do it again.

 

[Star*]

A,

I want to tell you something I know about suicidal thoughts. Because I've been there. This is something I do understand. It's not anything I acted on, but fortunately for me I've had experiences that have given me insight to be able to offer some help. I believe there are different levels of depression. I see and read from ladies here and some of what I've read I related to right away. Other types? I couldn't even begin to share my life experiences because I wouldn't wish those days on anyone. Then there are still other times when it was so dark and so void of anything and empty almost matterless - that others have come here, written about it and I thought OH MY GOSH - I'm not alone in feeling like that. THAT was the incredible part of knowing that I was going to be okay eventually. That it was okay to feel like everything was such a pit, dark and hopeless. A few Christmases ago? I didn't even get out of bed for days and honestly had it not been for coming hear and reading Witz' post? I don't know if I would have made it. Then I read a post from Flutter about her depression and I thought...Star, you aren't the only one that gets like this. Wow. This isn't normal, but it's not so abnormal that you're the only one in the world that ever feels this sad. Look at right HERE in your own group of friends - TWO other women...TWO....struggling with their own problems but describing the blackness about the same way you feel.

To me? It was incredible. I'm sure there are even more people out here that feel time to time the same way too, but don't post for whatever reason - fear that someone will think they're crazy or recognize them, or that if they write it, then it's out there and once it's out they'd have to deal with it. Hard to say what anyone feels, but the beauty of having friends here is that no two people are going to give or say or feel the same about what you are doing. Similar? yes. But since we're all different, had different backgrounds, experiences, lives, upbringings - we all bring something different to this table of ours. We learn from each other. Along the way? I'd like to think we help each other too. If you don't share? How do you help? Maybe what you share now is helping someone else afraid to speak out. You just never know.

As far as the suicide attempt? When I was on Zoloft it was pretty wild. I can remember when I first started taking it? It was great. I actually thought I KNEW why people took drugs. I FELT like I was flying, happy, laughed for days about nothing and everything. After about a week? I leveled off. After about three months? I was conscience that I was planning how to hang myself. I was NOT going to go through with it, but I was planning it. That was the interesting thing I discussed in therapy. I was open about it -very. I told my therapist I did not want to die. I just was enjoying the visualization and planning. Nothing about after ever entered my mind either. Just how to. So it wasnt for attention. When I admitted it? I got ahold of the doctor the next day and weaned off. The thoughts disappeared and I was glad to have had the insight - but never want it again. It was almost enjoyable. Almost. The therapist said that the planning gave me an outlet, it gave me something to look forward to - plans do that. It gave me an escape from the depression so maybe you can take from this - that knowledge and use it for good.

You ....need a goal. You need some plans, you need something to take up your time instead of this all consuming worry about your eating and weight. I was wondering...as a thought. I'm on a scheduled routine for eating and it keeps my weight down. I am on a strict time schedule and have counted snacks and calories. It keeps my weight maintained. If you were to maybe work on a schedule like that do you suppose it would balance your life with nutrition and take care of that aspect for you and then free you up to do the things that are important to you and allow you to work on your goals and hobbies?

No more forced pizza and such? I mean you would have specific pre-packaged snacks for yourself that were just for you, and then get on with your business? I ask because since I've been doing this type of maintenance I'm actually not gaining at all. Just maintining. Actually for me? I've been loosing but I started out overweight with a borderline diabetes problem. 1200 calories a day sugar free...and I'm looking pretty sexy too. Confidence is up.....feeling better. Not as depressed.

Anything like this sound appealing? I'm not sure what ideas they sent you home with but I don't want to see you do Klonopin and Seroquel ....and not wake up. (Would it help if I told you taking those again like you did would pack on 1000 lbs?) okay - BAD joke. Sorry. ahem...spankin' myself.

Seriously - I'm here. We all are. You tell me what you need and I'll do my level best to help you. How about....you gain an ounce I'll loose 1lb? Now that's motivation. You have no idea how hard that would be fore ME.....(I happen to LOVE pizza) ....

Hugs to you & Lots of Love - I know you are doing your best.
I have your card RIGHT HERE....and it says F R I E N D S...
(want me to sing my song again?) lol

 

[KTMom91]

As usual, Star is most eloquent, and has said it better than I ever could.

I did want to add my hugs and love. And yes, you send really cool cards.

 

[1905]

Star and KTmom, You are such cool friends- I wish could hug you both. I do have a really full life, too full. I think that's where this all started from. I got up at 3 or 4 and went to the gym, did chores for a couple hours, went to work, came home made dinner, more chores, more working out and I was lost. I became too task oriented. I felt like being thin was what I could do for me. And it worked for years. Until it got too out of control. Being put away in 2 Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s helped me see what I miss, the bare bones- who cares about a mess when I'm gone, but then I came back and I'm still me, the same wanting to be skinny, clean the house and work out. I do have an appointment with a p-doctor on the 16th and a t-doctor(who specialty is eating disorders) on the 15th. Meanwhile my insurance co is helping find another inpatient program, but don't want to go. husband has put up with this nonsense. I have insurance for my paycheck- I hope they cover this week coming up, I have a note from the hospital. I'm all over the place here. Just thank you for being so supportive and kind. I don't have friends I can talk to like this, you are a friend like the card says.-love, Alyssa

 

[trinityroyal]

Alyssa,
First of all, sending hugs. Many soft gentle hugs.

One thing I learned when I was receiving treatment for anorexia and bulimia is that in addition to all the other gunk, there's a huge Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) component. It really is a catch-22. They're going to force you to eat, which is going to force you to gain, which causes panic, which makes you want to perform your rituals, which are soothing and calming, but which make you lose more weight, which makes them want to force you to eat... and on it goes.

Please tell your husband from me not to force feed you. It's counterproductive. I once had a boyfriend sit on me and force-feed me hamburgers in a very misguided attempt to help. Set my treatment back months, that did.

The doctors need to focus on getting your body healthy enough first that you have the internal strength to focus on the long journey of getting well. That requires gaining enough body mass that you're within the typical range. There's no getting around it. It feels all wrong at first. I remember feeling like my skin didn't fit, like I was being stuffed like a sausage. But I also remember starting to like the feeling of not being cold all the time, not being nauseated all the time. Being able to walk around without feeling dizzy and lightheaded. Not having to balance the calories with the purging and the exercising.

When I realized that the mental burden of anorexia was heavier than the weight they were trying to put back on my body, recovery became that much easier. Not easy, by any stretch, but possible.

I know it's so hard to know what to do when you have these two desires competing with each other inside you. But you've already shown such strength in sending yourself to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) the first time. Like any recovery, there will be a few false starts before you find the path that works for you. We will walk the path with you. Lean on us when you need to.

Trinity

We're here for you. Please post whenever you need to.

 

[Star*]

Um ----Alyssa...

Laundry is not a goal. It's a chore.

You need a goal like....taking on something after you're well like I dunno - working at a local zoo with donkeys. Oh...that's me wait...WHAT is something that YOU have always wanted to do. Scuba, photography of people and get published? I mean a real goal, not a hobby - a GOAL - learn something new. A degree in school. Physical fitness?

I don't know - but honestly? What is wrong with being in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) again? Honey husband is a man. Not a baby. HE WILL MANAGE without you at the house. That's what Burger King is for and Swanson Frozen foods and a microwave are good for. (Obviously he appreciates pizza - ) so just let him do the man thing and....take care of you) for a change....

The world is not going to change if you go to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but you could change your family forever is you don't go and take care of yourself. Heck who WANTS to go (show of hands???? (crickets chirp)none) but sometimes you just have to be the bravest person you know - and then sometimes you just have to be braver than that. I bet they'll even let you sneak food in with you (oh behave)

You do what's best for you - we'll be here. Trinity has given you some insight -me too....so see? you have LOADS of love here. ((((HUGE HUGS))) and yeah....we're cool....

I'm cool like that.

 

[1905]

Ha-Ha you guys are so funny! I can't workout right now if someone made me. But no I can't be force fed. I am a stuffed sausage and Trinity you are so right about the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I have to make calls tomorrow, finding another Residential Treatment Center (RTC), there is a good one in Princeton,NJ I'm working on that one, everythings faxed over, I'm waiting to hear. My aunt from FLA came down and wants to stay with me,but I like to do this myself. I know things will get worse because I'm weak. This has gone on too long and I want my normal life back. The other Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I snuck laxatives in and I got in "big trouble" when my roomate told on me-(How old am I ? They were all like 19!) I can do this. My friends from "real life" will not take calls from me. husband is a man, and Papa John's is Conners favorite place to order from. At least he will eat- And Cole can go/drive to Shop-Rite its a block away, and husband can go too. He says he wants a divorce. Do I care? No, because I'll get a ****load of his annuity and can live fine! husband took a weekend cours eat the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and is onto my little lies and tricks. Thank for cheering up me and keeping the faith!!!!Love ya, Alyssa

 

[Star*]

A,

Did you ever wonder what would make you care?

No answer to me required. One for yourself would be nice eventually.

Hugs for you.

 

[trinityroyal]

my normal life back. The other Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I snuck laxatives in and I got in "big trouble" when my roomate told on me

He says he wants a divorce. Do I care? No, because I'll get a ****load of his annuity and can live fine! husband took a weekend cours eat the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and is onto my little lies and tricks.

Alyssa, these two statements leapt out at me, because when I was fighting the worst of my eating demons I could have said those very things.

In addition to the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the other big parallel that eating disorders have is with addiction. It's like you're addicted to starving, and you end up with a lot of the same behaviour.

In a way, that's what makes anorexia such a tough thing. You can't just give up food. You need it. So you have to learn...what makes you want to starve, what is the hunger that can't be sated that makes you want to starve the rest of you. Once you have the answer to that question, then you can heal. I know what the answer is for me...yours might be the same, yours might be something else.

PM me if you want to talk about this further.

Trinity

 

[totoro]

Funny I am sitting here and I looked down and here is your card on my desk. I opened up the computer and you were the second post I came to.

I think about you a lot.
I have dealt with a lot of this. The hospitalization. The suicide attempt. The eating issues.
Star* has a point about what will make you care?

What has made me turn the corner, for now at least, I hope forever, is my girls.
I feel like I can't go down or away because of them.
When K was born 8 years ago I had to get stable. I had to start eating. I had to at least try.
I started taking medications.
It aint easy. Mental Illness hoovers. I know you are in a much tougher place right now. I want to send you hope and strength.
All I can do each day is look at my girls and know I have to take my medications, know I have to keep my apts. know I have to stay healthy.
I try to keep moving forward.
The fact that you are talking about it is such a positive sign.

I like seeing you here

 

[1905]

To all : the biggest hugs ever!!!! I'll think of you and your strength and your spirit and I'll do what I have to, to get home. (Who cares if i weigh 105?) I got this! How did I ever meet (or not meet!) such wonderful people? I love you all-Alyssa

 

[Star*]

You're not supposed to meet angels. and one little devil...--(that'd be Trinity) lol.