Hi kiddo,
Do I agree that you can fool people into believing what you feel is right and can't make anyone else understand? (shrug) It would be very hard to figure it all out and referee this. Why? Okay here it is. I watched this show where a man had 2 healthy legs. He hated the right leg. Hated it, couldn't stand how it felt and wanted it removed. Wanted it removed so badly that he did not care about what WE (people who have 2 feet and walk without crutches) thought about him being an amputee. (I know nothing to do with skinny talk but follow me me here) So one day this urge in his mind go so strong he got out a bucket, and some chemicals and sat in his living room and froze his leg off.
Now you and me? Sitting right here, right now might think - "That's a little extreme, how odd, what was he thinking?" But the urge for him to do this was so overwhelming - he took his own leg off. Doctors tried to save it, the flesh just literally rotted off, and they amputated. Okay - so then his depression went away, he got a prosthetic foot,and hopped around - but his brain said "I'm better." The rest of us watching this show said 'You had 2 healthy feet and took one off - are you nuts? What is wrong with you?"
What this guy did to himself wasn't going to kill him, but something in his brain said he wouldn't be right,or happy or okay unless he did this; to us it just made no sense why he would take a perfectly good foot and freeze it off.
So how does this relate to anorexia and you my friend? (exhale) In a way, your brain is doing a similar thing. Your brain is telling you - don't eat. Something in your brain says if you eat, it will make you sad. The rest of us don't have that feeling at all, could not possibly know what that is like; although you did an excellent job of making me understand when you said you can actually feel the food becoming fat. I got that explanation so well and won't forget it. It was excellent. But other than that? It about the same to me as the guy who had to take off his foot. To me? It is a self-harming behavior.
To you? Just like the guy who wanted that foot gone? It feels so normal that when you try to explain it? It just frustrates you. The people you love are saying "Here....eat, please we love you, if you love us....you'll eat." and your brain is telling you "If you love me[yourself] you won't put another thing in your mouth." Am I fairly on track with your brain?
But....the HUGE difference between the man with the missing foot and you and food? He can live without a foot. And odder yet? He replaced the foot he took off with a fake foot. You can't replace your muscles, brain function, liver, pancreas, kidneys, heart, and all the other body parts that require food for energy like a car needs gas....with anything BUT nutrition and so there is your challenge. The only way to get nutrition is HOW?
It seems to me that someone would have come along already and made this connection. See I don't think anorexia is an eating disorder. Too much emphasis is all about food here. There is something in your brain somewhere that tells you - DON'T chew. IF it were turned off....you'd be like the rest of us. Just like the guy with the foot. AFTER he took off his foot Doctors found out there is a condition and a place in his brain that actually was overstimulated and others have the problem like him and they destimulated the brain and they lost the sensation to remove their apendages.
I actually see them doing this with anorexics. It's like making a fish walk on land asking you to eat....but that's the battle for you my friend. If you don't overcome the whatever it is in your head....and fight it? Maintain a healthy weight and stop fainting? You won't be here for me to talk to. I'm just getting to know you...I really like you. I'm not ready to say goodbye to you....you send really cool cards. But I have no answers on how to help you. Heck you're the one helping me understand all of this.
So I'm not going to tell you to eat....but I am going to ask that you think about what I've written and just let me know if I even have some grasp of even a portion of what you're going through. I'm not looking for a fix either...just a friend. Hope you are too...one that just wants to understand, not point....and hug...not yell. And maybe guide, not dictate.
Okay ----well I must go find a glucose meter. Prick. lol.
Hugs & Love girl.....you're the only you we have. Remember that.
Star
Snickers all around......