Hitchhiker42
New Member
guh. My mom apparently LIED about having an appointment to 'shut me up' about wanting therapy. When we went the psychologist she made a REAL appointment for Monday, so I'm excited about that. Lately I've gotten in these states of 'near-crying' for hours. We went on a college visit and I 'nearly cried' the ENTIRE day. It was just ... ugh. I liked the college but every time I think about it I just start to want to cry and.. you know how sometimes you are ALMOST crying but not quite and even discussing the thing you want to cry about just makes you burst into tears? Yeah, that's my day. One TINY little thing can set it off like we are not having what I like for dinner and I'm really hungry because I haven't eaten all day (My concerta makes me not hungry at all so I pig out when it wears off) and then I will be up in my room crying for hours.
I also recently learned that the 2 people I believe to be my BEST FRIENDS are all clinically depressed (one is not diagnosed, but I'm sure she has it; she talks about suicide sometimes and has this really negative attribution style and... it's so sad but she's an online friend so I can't do ****). One is my friend who... we were best friends 2-3 years ago but we moved apart (literally, I went to one state she went to another), and we haven't kept up communication.. until recently when she decided she wants to visit for the summer, and we've been talking a lot ( Which I like, sometimes)... and she told me that she has tried to commit suicide 3 times, first right after I left, and most recently a month ago (when she first tried to get in contact with me and couldn't find my number). I feel really guilty, like its my fault she wants to kill herself. and now everytime I'm talking to my friends I'm just so worried if I say something wrong then they will kill themselves and anytime I don't hear them for a few days I'm afraid they've killed themselves and I feel guilty when I'm happy because (at least one of my friends ) they are NEVER HAPPY. And I try and tell my one friend "HAVE A GOOD DAY! Or at least an ok one. Do something fun today!" and at the end of the day I ask her what good things happen and she's like nothing good happened and I just feel so bad and it hurts because I feel like I'm the ****tiest friend in the world (also how is it coincidence that the 2 people I love most are both suicidal?) anyways. that was a bit of a tangent but... ugh.
EDIT:
also my phobia is getting worse. We had to watch a lobotomy in psychology class and I had to close my eyes and I started breathing really rapidly to calm myself down. It's starting to expand from needles to just.. any sort of anything surgery or blood or anything related. (I'm trembling and feeling tingly and my m uscles are tightening as I'm typing this.)
I also recently learned that the 2 people I believe to be my BEST FRIENDS are all clinically depressed (one is not diagnosed, but I'm sure she has it; she talks about suicide sometimes and has this really negative attribution style and... it's so sad but she's an online friend so I can't do ****). One is my friend who... we were best friends 2-3 years ago but we moved apart (literally, I went to one state she went to another), and we haven't kept up communication.. until recently when she decided she wants to visit for the summer, and we've been talking a lot ( Which I like, sometimes)... and she told me that she has tried to commit suicide 3 times, first right after I left, and most recently a month ago (when she first tried to get in contact with me and couldn't find my number). I feel really guilty, like its my fault she wants to kill herself. and now everytime I'm talking to my friends I'm just so worried if I say something wrong then they will kill themselves and anytime I don't hear them for a few days I'm afraid they've killed themselves and I feel guilty when I'm happy because (at least one of my friends ) they are NEVER HAPPY. And I try and tell my one friend "HAVE A GOOD DAY! Or at least an ok one. Do something fun today!" and at the end of the day I ask her what good things happen and she's like nothing good happened and I just feel so bad and it hurts because I feel like I'm the ****tiest friend in the world (also how is it coincidence that the 2 people I love most are both suicidal?) anyways. that was a bit of a tangent but... ugh.
EDIT:
also my phobia is getting worse. We had to watch a lobotomy in psychology class and I had to close my eyes and I started breathing really rapidly to calm myself down. It's starting to expand from needles to just.. any sort of anything surgery or blood or anything related. (I'm trembling and feeling tingly and my m uscles are tightening as I'm typing this.)