input on this yukky teacher situation please

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pigless in VA, Jul 24, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    As many of you know, I have been watching and waiting and observing this ongoing situation between Ferb and his teacher.

    I have been collecting evidence all along. I believe they continue to have an inappropriate relationship. I suspect it is a sexual relationship although I have no concrete evidence of that.

    My evidence consists of seeing her vehicle in my neighborhood numerous times. Ferb was careless with receipts. I have two where she bought him food. I have a letter which she wrote him.

    It reads: Ferb,
    If you had told me this is where we would be in the beginning of the year, I would have said no expletive way. While you are still obnoxious, your won me over with your curiosity, intellect, and obvious charm. I never tell you how much I admire you. Despite numerous setbacks, you have made it without the help so many others take for granted. However, you need to need to stop accepting anything less than greatness. You aren't ordinary; if you pushed yourself, I know you could be extraordinary. Thanks for the smiles and the memories.

    tiny heart,
    love, last name

    I found this letter in the trash can and was hoping that this was an ending of the relationship. I don't think so. In fact, I think when we are away at the farm that she has been staying at our house. I found numerous coffee cups in the dishwasher. Ferb does not drink coffee.

    My current plan is to go with Ferb to see his therapist and confront the issue with the assistance of the therapist.

    I have two goals in mind: 1. to unburden myself of this horrible secret and 2. to hopefully help Ferb understand that this woman is not behaving professionally or morally.

    I understand that he is likely to defend her vehemently. My concern is for him. I suspect that she will dump him as soon as the new school year begins, and she has a new group of hormonal boys in her class. I want Ferb to be able to come to me for support. I don't want him to still be hiding this from me. I am also concerned that his depression and suicide attempt have something to do with this woman.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Was she his teacher when he was underage?

    I honestly dont know for sure what I would do in your shoes. Its touchy. He is now 18 and is unlikely to care what you say...years from now he will probably understand better, especially if he has his own children. I never found straight up confrontafion helpful with difficult son. He just blamed the entire universe, but changed nothing.

    Any love relationship gone bad could cause an unstable teen to feel hopeless. Obviously teacher was inappropriate for sure. But Ferb needs to work hard in therapy on coping skills when relationships go bad, appropriate or inappropriate. He hopefully can grow stronger and realize no love interest is worth his precious life.

    My biggest concern regarding the teacher would be her next group of ripe pickings. I am not positive I would do this.. I am not in this tough situation...but my moral compass tells ms I would be on highest ground to notify her superiors, even if I had to show them the letter you found.

    Of course there is also Ferb to he would react to blowing the whistle on her. This would be my conflict. A BIG conflict.

    You are in a very sticky situation. I dont envy you. It becomes what we know is right vs. the implosion of the last bit of trust the child has for you in his young and more morally flexible years. And the letter is strong evidence that your suspicions are real.

    I feel for your extremely horrible situation and hope it ends soon. She is violating everything a teacher stands for.

    Lots and lots of love and light.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2017
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yucky is right. I think I'd make an anonymous call or send an anonymous letter to the school principal and leave it at that.

    Or you can even send a fax. I sent a fax one time to the school superintendent (not anonymous) and got REALLY fast action. Not same reason but it worked.

    I don't think I'd say a word to my son about it. Ever.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I'd do here. I would probably sit him down and try to talk to him. Maybe just something like, "I am concerned about your friendship with Mrs. Robinson. It just seems too close to be healthy. I'm not accusing you of anything, but it seems to me to be inappropriate, given your age difference, for you two to be so friendly. You hear all the time about teachers taking advantage of students and I want you to know that if you need to talk about something with me, I'm here."

    He's out of school and over 18, so I don't think I'd give the letter to anyone...though I might hang onto it.
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    SWOT, Ferb turned 18 in the beginning of September last year. Even if they are having a full-blown affair, she has not done anything illegal. Immoral - yes.

    I was thinking along the lines of what Lil was describing.
  6. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    If this were my Difficult Stepson, I would strive to handle the situation rationally and not emotionally (not saying I would succeed, just that I would strive, LOL).

    Speaking only for my situation, DS is very hardheaded and thin-skinned, so we pick our battles with him very carefully. The last big battle we fought with him, over school attendance and medication compliance, resulted in a year-long estrangement which just ended a few months ago. I don't know Ferb obviously, but I think it's worthwhile to consider how he will react to whatever choice you make, and if those consequences are worth it given the benefit you might get from said choice. I know my wife was devastated when DS cut us off, and now that he's back in our lives, she will be very hard pressed to risk another rupture in the relationship.

    Ferb is over 18, so there's nothing, legally, that can be done. And also because he is technically speaking at least, an adult, there's really nothing you can do about his choices other than enforcing whatever rules you have for him regarding overall comportment. IE; if he is shirking responsibilities to you/the family to hang out with whomever, then it seems to me you'd have the right to dispatch consequences you felt appropriate.

    I get the disgust, especially because I am a teacher myself. Everything you have described about this situation makes my skin crawl. But it seems like you may have more to lose than gain. Ferb will at minimum, deeply resent what he will likely interpret as an "intrusion" into his privacy. And unfortunately, whatever relationship he has with this former teacher is his (adult) business.

    With that said, I'd request a sit-down with the principal of the school and lay out what you know of the situation. I wouldn't tell Ferb, if it was me. I would simply lay it at the school's feet to monitor the situation and take any action that might be necessary. Ferb's "friend" should not be working with children, that's for sure.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2017
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Culturala, arent there rules as a teacher about messing with students? I know its not illegal in a court of law, but what about as a condition of employment?
  8. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Yes, universally there is a general understanding that teachers should not be fraternizing with students. Even if a student is over the age of consent, there are still quid pro quo aspects to any "situation" between a teacher and a student. The teacher is still the one with the power.

    Without evidence of sexual contact the teacher could probably claim that she was "just being friendly" and escape with a warning, assuming this would be the first time anything like this came up.

    Pigless, if you feel strongly enough about the situation, you could make an anonymous tip to your local newspaper that a teacher at XYZ school is behaving inappropriately toward students. That would certainly force the school's hand, and it might even successfully end whatever relationship Ferb has with this woman. But, I'd be careful not to let Ferb know you were the source of the information.

    Are you friendly with the parents of any other young men this teacher "hangs out" with? Do they share your concerns?
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    culturanta, no, I don't know any of the parents well enough to make such a serious accusation. I am very much standing alone in this, although I suspect there are other boys involved. I worked in the school system for the past 2 years and this would be grounds for firing. HR holds a special meeting every year to stress the importance of teachers behaving in a professional manner.
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  10. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Because of the letter, I think you have enough evidence to tell the principal they are having some type of inappropriate relationship. You still have no proof it is of a sexual nature. If you go to school officials with the letter and explain the other things that have happened, I think they would take it seriously and investigate. Maybe others would come forward. However, I definitely think it would damage your relationship with your son if he finds out you were the one who informed school officials. I would be worried about the teacher suing you, so I would definitely ask the school to keep your identity confidential. The letter would be useful if she tries to sue. The hearts and the language don't prove an affair, but if she tries to sue, it would show that you had a justifiable reason to be suspicious.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do NOT sit down and talk to Ferb!!

    He is already unwilling to talk to you about his daily life. If you do this, he will shut you out and it could last for years to come. There are no words that could come out of your mouth that would make any difference to him regarding this situation.

    He is 18 and thinks he knows everything. He would see you as trying to meddle in something you have no right to meddle in. He would think you are trying to destroy the most important thing in his life. Right now this woman IS the most important thing in his life.

    Do NOT try to talk to him about this, or admit that you know anything about this. Keep the letter, gather all the evidence you can, and stay quiet. Be prepared to get help for him once school starts, be prepared for his crash once she ends it, but other than that, right now you cannot do anything.

    If you end the relationship, you may actually end your relationship with your son for many years. Given the family history of holding grudges, etc..., he has good examples of that, and really could cut himself out of your life for a very long time.

    Read the PM I sent you!!! Know I am here for you. I know it is hard to watch this situation.
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  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I was thinking the same thing. As vile as it is, getting involved in any way could end in longterm estrangement. I would eat it or the mother/son relationship could end. He is already hostile.

    It stinks to let thr teacher just ride, but i feel it will cause more harm to maybe getting her a slap on the hand than cause any good to Ferb. At 18 he can legally date who he wants, right or wrong. And she isnt breaking the law even if it is sexual.
    I would not get involved with this after reading all of this. Ferb will be enraged. Your relationship cant survive that.

    I am so sorry this is happening.
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    So very disturbing but I agree, don't confront him. Unburden your soul here. When he opens up be prepared for the fall out. This woman is rediculius and we know that careers that expose people to youth attract the wrong kind of people. With his history any sane person would not engage in such a relationship!!
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    No kidding. Mrs. X has serious problems of her own.

    Yes, she is. The horrible truth is this disgusting for a teacher is the most important person in Ferb's life. We tried to get Ferb to go to a college closer to the farm. It's a good school. He flat out refused. We told him he could go there for one year and transfer to the college in town. He had a meltdown. He cannot handle the idea of moving away. We had to give in and allow him to go to college nearby. I suspect Mrs. X was behind that decision. This is the college she also attended and if he remains in town, she will be able to see him.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2017
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Ferb is going to need you when this woman moves on to her next victim. A confrontation of any sort will intensify his feelings for this woman, and turn him away from you.
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    The ironic thing is that I educated myself on pedophiles. Yep. My mother's husband is a pedophile. I knew to keep my kids away from him. I found another living in my neighborhood and kept my kids away from him. When I ferreted out that one, I bought a bunch of books on pedophiles in order to educate myself more.
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  17. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Unfortunately he is an adult now ..... there is nothing you can do except risk whatever relationship you have with Ferb now, and might have in the future. I am so sorry.....a family member of mine went through this at exactly the same age and in his eyes, the adult's interest in him was evidence of my friend's maturity attractiveness, etc....NO WAY was I ever able to convince family member that he was in fact being exploited and abused by a (male) pedophile. I know for a fact that this was definitely a sexual relationship. Years later I came very close to reporting the abuser, who was a beloved teacher at my family member's HS and was STILL active in retirement volunteering with adolescents. But my family member was very upset when he heard, and I decided that my relationship with this family member was more important than righting a wrong I had decided to avenge. His abuser is now dead. Good riddance!
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  18. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Thanks, ladies. Culturanta, you are correct in assuming that Ferb will not listen to me, like your relative. I guess I need to take my wins where I have found them. Ferb is seeing a doctor, on an antidepressant, working, and seeing a therapist. He is not the angry, nasty kid he once was. I wish he had chosen better in the romance department, but he will never listen to me about this woman.
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    That is a very manipulative person. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think this is probably best. I read he graduated, right? So he won't be her student. Inappropriate or not, the relationship, whatever it is, is legal. What I said earlier is probably what I'd do...but in the long run might not be the best thing to do. Best to just be there for him when the inevitable crash occurs.