Is it legal to kill your husband?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Mar 17, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have NO idea how he thought we could buy a house. He has THREE Judgments against him, none that I knew about. Two have filtered to ME too...isn't that nice? All in all, it could add up to ten thousand dollars. So (here's the laugh) he thinks that if we buy a double wide, he can save up and pay off all three judgements in a year :aww: on his income of less than $40K a year.

    I feel like leaving him. I love him, but this is not a mess we can ever get out of. Nobody is going to lend us money to get out of this. We will never EVER be able to live anywhere we like. I want to run away from hub and never see him again. He is very annoyed with me for being upset and not having faith in his ability to clean up this credit mess :mad:.

    Renting is horrible. Every time we did, we got thrown out in a year because the owners wanted to sell. I don't want that again. Plus we have pets and we can't part with them and most renters want no pets. I am not doing well with this. I walk in a fog thinking about this all the time. It's a new idea for me: "You will never own anything decent." I have been a bad mother, a bad wife (gee, I wonder why) and can't write my books or concentrate on anything except this mess. I hope it gets better when/if we find some dive to live in. I usually feel like therapy will help, but I don't this time. I don't even want to talk about it. All I want to do is sleep and forget about it.

    WHY DID I MARRY HIM???? :faint: Ok, he's a good guy, but this cancels that out almost 100%. I feel no security and certainly our kids have none.

    Thanks for reading the selfish vent. Any ideas are welcome. And none are expected :(.
  2. mog

    mog Member

    Sorry to hear about all this but it really will get better -we are in debt so far past due to medical bills and sometimes I feel the same way. As a matter of fact my husband and I had a fight yesterday about how much time I spend sleeping but I feel like there is not a reason to get up sometimes. What I try to do (unfortunately haven't been able to lately) is go somewhere where the water runs like a river or fountain and I watch the water and try to thing of the good reasons why you got married and remember that our kids need us to be strong, pray and refocus. Then try to look at the problem with fresh eyes. Good luck to you!
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    MWM---I'm so sorry. I can remember what I felt like when husband got us into so much financial trouble because of his addiction. He went off to rehab, and I got left behind to dig myself out of the hole that he had created---and that I had allowed him to create because I was so blinded by my faith in him. When it was crushed, so was I. But, I knew that I had to rely on myself to get out of it. And I did. And he came home to the mess cleaned up. But, I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself and the kids. There are moments throughout a marriage where one person falls and the other has to pick them up---it's just the nature of life...and it blows chunks.
    Start your own bank account and make sure any bills in your name are paid on time.
    Remove your name from any account you share.
    Take control of your financial future.
    Understand that he is human, he makes mistakes, and if you can, forgive him. I'm not saying forget, but forgive---that allows you to let go of the bitterness and anger.
    Do not put the children into the middle of this. He is still their father and he needs their respect. Don't make one person the bad guy.
    Move to a rental or the mobile home park---this isn't the end of the journey, just a pitstop on the highway of life.
    Start envisioning the home you will own one day. But make whatever house you live in a home for your family.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You can own a pre-owned home. Heck...if you lived here I would sell you mine for what would be considered dirt cheap because I want out of this big doublewide and into a smaller singlewide. LOL. I just want enough to get a nice singlewide.

    Any chance of moving to NC? LOL.

    If you have to rent, look for a trailer on acreage. They are more accepting of animals. Also less apt to be looking to sell it out from under you because it is pretty hard to just sell a trailer after it gets but so old. Even if you have to get a singlewide on acreage they are still pretty roomy. My 14x80 was pretty big....actual living space was 14x76 without the tongue. Now they go up to 16 wide but that is pretty rare. 14 foot is the norm but it can be pretty large on the inside. Master bedrooms are normally fairly large, with two other fairly good sized bedrooms. The living room and kitchen are usually in the middle of the house to split the "kids bedrooms" to one end and the parents to the other. If the home is already on land, you may get a porch already built on but if not you could ask the home owner if you could add one on. That makes more room.

    Dont will all come together. Things can only stay on credit for so long. If there are things on there that he wants to contest, contest them. I pulled my credit record not long ago and found a few things that were from long ago and I didnt believe I owed them. I contested them and they were removed.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, MWM. been there done that. That was the straw as far as my marriage to Useless Boy. Re-establishing my own credit was a long hard road, but it paid off. The first few years Hubby and I were married, I was really hard on him re: finances, because I never wanted to be in that position ever again. I felt so helpless and so incredibly stupid for trusting Useless Boy about anything, and I know I took/take it out on Hubby.

    Many hugs. I know.
  6. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Hey - I'll join you. Me - you - difficult child's and the animals. LOL. Ok, just kidding. Sounds so familiar. My husband is less than 40K Probablly less than 35K. Frustrating and scary and wonder where anxiety comes from?

    I am so sorry you are going through this. As far as renting and pets, sometimes landlords will work with you. Maybe after meeting you then you can sit down and discuss pets. What if you paid a higher security for the option of having a pet? Could you pay that extra security/escrow monthly until it is paid?

    There are some fantastic rental properties. No need to feel so down on yourself. You'll find something wonderful.
  7. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I think everywoman said what I want to say only much better than I was going to say it. I want to add one thing though - I'm worried about you - You sound very depressed. I know you said you don't want to talk about therapy, but, please call your therapist or psychiatrist. I don't want you to sink any deeper into depression. Please get some help!!! Sending lots of hugs... WFEN
  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    As far as finances go, we had quite a mess. I see you are a Wisconsin resident. Back when I did see a lawyer this is what the law is in Wisconsin.

    Joint marital state (wisconsin).

    Any bills that are in his name are your responsibility, any bills in your name are your responsibility. Doesn't matter whose name is on it. Joint state

    Doesn't matter if you remove your name from any "joint" account. Doesn't matter if you have your OWN account. Wisconsin is a joint marital state. What's yours is his, what's his is yours. The ONLY exception is if you recieve inheritence. THAT can be yours and yours alone. Must prove it.

    So as far as any of that goes - Not in Wisconsin.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "A joint marital state"
    Warms the!
    Well, nothing I can do now. I don't want to leave him just because he's financially irresponsible. Like I said, he's a good guy and I love him and the kids adore him. The family is heading out to the trailer park this afternoon. At least it's nice and clean and they run screens on every prospective buyer. If you had ANY drug charges against you (that means pot too) or if you are a child abuser, you are OUT. The double-wides are quite pretty! It could be worse. People are in the streets. Daughter is ok with it now. She likes the idea t hat Walmart is across the street, plus some other cool stores. Son doesn't care because he, well, he doesn't long as he can go to the same school. Both will be going to the same schools. And at least it will be ours. That gives us plenty of time to clean up our credit. I have to say, the homes look brand new inside and are really lovely. I wish we had more yard, but we don't use our yard much anyway. We don't do big barbecues or anything or entertain much. We're quiet people.
    I have a call into my therapist. I actually had an appointment yesterday WITH hub and daughter. Wouldn't you know it? Therapist called in sick. I am hoping to hear from her today. I really need to see her. I have been really not functioning--not doing much other than crying and worrying. I haven't been a good wife or mother or even writer (which is my escape from life). I have been pretty useless.
    Thanks for all the posts. I won't forget it, and will try to help the best I can when others are down. I have been in the black abyss of nowhere, and it's not fun. (((Hugs)))
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2009
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I think the most important thing said by everywoman was this isn't the end of the road but a pit stop. **** happens and obstacles come up in everyone's life.
    Any chance you can speak to present landlord about giving you more time to get another place. Any chance the pets can be fostered for a month or two until you can get on your feet.
    With daughter, finances, husband and housing all in chaos it is no wonder you want to sleep all the time. Take today to feel sorry for yourself and situation. Tomorrow wake up and work on how to problem solve. You aren't the first person in this situation and you sure won't be the last.
    It's never all bleak and never all rosy. Don't let this situation get you into the downward spiral that will end up with you not being able to function. Get help now before it gets too bad.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm sending you some hugs - I've been where you are and wouldn't want to be there again. If he thinks he can get this mess taken care of in a year? Let him. There are places that can help counsel and consolidate debt - I know the original unknown is really the shocker here - it's done-what can you do to move forward?

    Craigslist may be a something. They have a house section-maybe you could put under a WANTED section - REnt with option home needed NOW...? Maybe someone is looking to get out of a 2nd mortgage payment and sees your ad?

  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I know that you already know are feeling very down and very selfish right now. And you know what?....That is OK! We all have those moments where we want to say "What about ME?", "When is life going to be fair for ME?" "When is it going to be MY turn at the good life?"....

    All wives have had those moments where we ask ourselves "This is it?" "This is the man I married?"...and then we fantasize about some other relationship we might have had...or could have had....{sigh}

    So, my advice to you is to take today and wallow in self-pity. (No, really!!) Lay chocolate and ice yourself something frivolous and silly....think long and hard about all of the bad things that have happened and how life really is UNFAIR!

    When you have had all of the self-pity you can stand.....pick yourself up, look around, and be grateful that you have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, and whether you rent or own--you will all have a wonderful home together.

    {I must add a disclaimer here: If you have trouble getting back up...please go see your therapist. It's OK to feel down and depressed with all of the bad things that have been happening...but if you can't shake that feeling after a few days, please go talk with someone.}

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    MWM, I had to chuckle at your subject heading. been there done that. But for other reasons.
    Anyway, you vented clearly and loudly and I understand completely.
    You are amazing, the way you just keep on truckin'. I am SO glad that the kids have gotten over their initial reservations. One thing at a time.

    So, what is husband's plan to help get out of the mess, besides move? Work 3 jobs? Get it in writing.

    I like the idea that you start your own savings acct, too. Even if it's tiny. It will start out as an emotional boost, providing a sense of independence and empowerment, no matter how tiny, and may end up as a financial asset. It's a good plan
  14. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    MWM - important question! How RECENT are these judgments?

    'Cause it would be a world of difference to me if he'd sneakily spent 10K over 20 years ago, or before you were together.....but if we're talking last year/this year, he's gotta have consequences. Credit counseling/etc at the least!

    There's being bad with money. Then there's being BAD with money. Then there's being so-bad-with-money-you-hide-purchases-from-your-wife. And then fail to pay, causing judgments!

    You really have to be careful here---they could garnish his wages, clean out your bank accounts....judgments don't just always sit around waiting to be paid.
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I read your post and responded about the way you have been feeling....but now I have gotten to thinking about it a little bit...

    Your husband was sued by creditors three times, showed up in court and LOST, or else failed to show up and lost by default, and you had no idea? If these creditors truly have won a judgment against him, then they do not have to wait to seize any assets, such as bank accounts, in order to pay the judgment.

    Do you mean instead, that the creditors have filed the debt with the credit reporting agencies and so it shows up as an outstanding debt on his credit report? If so, that is different. Yes, it affects his credit rating and will not go away until it is paid or until seven years have passed from the first delinquency....

    Big difference, though, in terms of whether creditors have the power to seize assets and attach wages. Also, if they are not court-grantd judgments, then it means that the creditors can and probably will negotiate the amount of money they will accept as a settlement. In that case, your husband may, in fact, be able to do something to pay them off within a year...

  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    MWM you summed up my 25 yr marriage.

    I'm living in this lovely old victorian simply because I got run over by a truck. The settlement from the drivers insurance covered the huge downpayment I made and paid off all the bills husband had left in collection since the last time we'd declared bankruptcy. Otherwise, we'd have never been able to own a home. Never. Not with the way husband is constantly messing up our finances. Fortunately, while I didn't like renting, we only had the "need to move cuz we're selling" twice to deal with. And that does majorly hoover.

    Although I don't recommend getting run over by a truck. It's not worth it, truly. ;)

    Janet has a good suggestion. I know around here double wides on acreage rent cheap and are very popular because of it.

    If it makes you feel better..........I came awfully close to killing my husband yesterday......actually, I'm still considering it as an option.

    I feel your pain.

  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I saw the other thread you wrote and thought of you when I saw this heading, too!
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know things are rough, but I am glad that the kids have settled down about the park. They really can be great places, I know the lady here who manages one. She is REALLY picky about how the park looks and how safe it is. It even has a gate with a security camera and cameras all over the common areas. The play area (with great playset) is fenced and you have to have a key to get into it. So if you send your kid there no strangers can get in! - and there are even cameras on the play area to keep the kids safe!

    I think that going to a credit counsellor would be an EXCELLENT idea. We did a few years ago and it was awesome. We took 3 years and paid off everything. Then when we went to buy a house a year later we were able to with no problem!

    Anyway, I am really sorry about the surprises on the finances.
  19. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Well, gosh, I HOPE SO!!! :tongue:

    Mine had credit issues when I married him, too. We spent the first two or three years of our marriage cleaning up his mess. (While I, on the other hand, went into the relationship with NO debt and great credit). Through a stroke of financial luck we were able to wipe it all out plus come up with enough cash for the down payment on this house. To this day, I don't think he really appreciates how lucky he's been.

    I'm sorry you've been burdened with such a lousy situation. It's disappointing, to say the least.
  20. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen's formal. We have yet another club.

    Is it legal? Depends on the state. If not legal in WI, drag his arse to a neighboring state.

    Sorry, dear. Know the pain and frustration.