Is it me?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by garrison, Aug 9, 2013.

  1. garrison

    garrison New Member

    I need a reality check. I have a situation that gets on my nerves and I want to be proactive vs. reactive. So I'm asking for others opinions.
    This scene is played out over and over in many different ways in my family.
    We are having a family reunion (husband's family) Saturday. My stepson is hosting the party. He asked me to post an event on FB. I did 2 months ago. His wife wont do it because shes a snot. I offered to keep the food list and come up with some kid games. Also there is a little park near me that I can rent of very cheap. I told my step son about it and asked if he wanted me to do that. He said yes.
    Now it's time for the party. My 3 daughter in law's are complaining about the park. They want to know why I picked it. I didn't.
    I have bought bubble wands for all the kids that will be there. (over 30) I have also bought a piñata and stuff to fill it. I planned out a couple of kid games and got prizes for those games. Last night I was informed that it's not fair that some kids will win prizes and others wont. Even though they all get bubbles and piñata stuff.
    OK I was taught that people offer the help they can give. You either graciously accept or decline. If you accept you don't b$tch about it. You also don't dictate what help is offered. I swear these people feel entitled to everything and do none of the work. No one else in the family has done anything to help my stepson.
    Am I weird for wanting to say to heck with you all? It's like noting is ever good enough so there is no point in trying. If I am wrong please say so. That's why I'm posting. To figure out if I'm being sensitive or they are being rude.
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    They are rude and you are not being too sensitive.

    The whole different ball game is what to do about it. The party will be soon. I wouldn't spoil that by talking my mind in this point. To be honest I probably wouldn't raise the issue at all, because I strongly believe even fragile peace is better than outright war. Especially when it comes to family. And when these are not people you have to deal daily with. Just let it in from one ear and straight out from the other and be pleasant. Maybe complain their bad manners to your husband and best friend.

    Some others would likely choose differently in that situation. It is mostly a personal preference how to deal with badly behaving people you are not responsible of teaching better.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I agree with SZ. Since the prizes are causing a "thing", no prizes for anyone. Return them or keep them, never mention them to those people. They say 'all or none' ? Then it's none. They can play for fun. Let everything roll off your back, defer all issues to the host. Bring yourself some wine.
  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I agree with the other posts. I wouldn't rock the boat although i do feel it was incredibly rude to speak this way regarding your help!!!

    Perhaps the entire crew of kids could have a bubble wand. The pinata perhaps could be cracked open early on, with a heads up to the kids that cracking it open is for the "FUN". Maybe ask them all to scramble to gather the contents of the pinata and collect them all together in a large bowl or whatever. Those treats could be the award for winning something, for being patient waiting, etc. I'd return the prizes since there aren't enough for all and obviously this ruffled feathers (which I find ridiculous personally, kids should learn that sometimes not everything is equal and really all the kids are getting bubbles).

    However you figure out the situation, I'd vent away here and to a bestie but leave the feelings out of the event and just enjoy the kids who are going to be so happy that someone put together such thoughtful and fun kids activities for them.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree that you are dealing with entitled ingrates and you are not being sensitive Since you mentioned this continues to happen with you being on the receiving end of this behavior, I personally would not forgive it and continue. I believe people who are entitled and rude continue that way because others allow it. If you want to continue then so be it. If you don't then, since this scenario is almost played out, and the children would be disappointed, perhaps it's best to simply go through it this last time. However, after the event or the next time it happened, I would state my feelings clearly and say I will not get involved in situations where I am the scapegoat for others rudeness when I am the only one making any attempts to help. I would let them know I think their behavior is rude and unacceptable. You may be unpopular, you may be talked about, you may invite criticism, only you can decide if telling your truth is worth it or not. For me, I have learned that I am the only one who can prevent bad behavior coming directly at me. I have learned not to tolerate it. It can be scary and weird to stop it, but it is also empowering. And, then I am not the recipient of the behavior any longer. I am not a believer in allowing people to treat others in hurtful and disrespectful ways, I believe we have an obligation to ourselves to stand up to that behavior. In many ways my difficult child taught me that.
  6. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    No good deed goes unpunished.

    I certainly wouldn't want to start a fight with anybody but the next time somebody complained, I'd just smile sweetly and say, "I'm so glad to finally find somebody who knows how things ought to be done. Next time we plan something, we'll be glad to put you in charge."
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, the giver offers what the giver is able/willing to give.
    The receiver can either accept or decline.

    Given that nobody else even OFFERED to help... you were/are being extremely generous.

    I vote for mutt's approach...
  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Wow this is a slippery slope because things your own family will usually forgive often your inlaws won't. My X inlaws it seemed like they were always looking for something to hold over my head; won't get into all that just saying be careful.

    My thought was if step son is the host maybe direct the complaint department to him? or a statement like "I did the best I could with the budget I was given to work with" - but saying things like that is why my outlaws (X inlaws if met them you would understand) all hate me so like I said before be careful.

    I just had a thought maybe just let this party slide, but next time anyone tries to suck you into doing something like this mention that "_________ (insert complainers names here) seems to have more experience then me at this sort of thing maybe they can help you" or recruit the complainers to help you with a statement like "you had so many good suggestions and we don't want a repeat of the reunion disaster".

    You are a good person to help out with this and anyone who wasn't satisfied & grateful is just wrong.
    take care
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    They are being rude. Tell them to blow it out their ear. It's not their party, they're not the host. When they host, they can decide what is what.

    Family or not, I don't tolerate such nonsense. It will be x, y, and z...........if you don't care for it, don't show up.

    Nichole ran into this snag when she attempted to accommodate easy child's work schedule for her cook out this summer. She changed the date mult times and swear to god easy child changed her work dates just as often.........on purpose with no consideration for Nichole's plans cuz she just figured Nichole would switch dates again.

    I told Nichole to stop it. Set the date, stick to it. easy child could come or not. Odd. easy child found a way to be there. I don't do such drama and refuse to allow it in the family. What happens after I'm gone is another matter, but I hope to have all of them cured of such nonsense by that point.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm probably better at putting stuff like this on "disregard" than most people because I had to do it within my own family and happen to think of "family" is just people you are forced to be around at times.I value friends more than most of my family because I choose them. Family is just DNA or an accident of marriage.

    I agree with everyone else and will add DO NOT agree to do ANYTHING to help your in-laws in the future. NOTHING. And if asked to do something, even put something on Facebook, decline.

    I don't think you are sensitive at all. If it were me, I'd probably not even go and either tell my hub to say I'm sick or just let them think what they like. It gets old being a scapegoat. I like Hound Dog's It's a lot like how I've chosen to be after plenty of long term abuse and being scapegoated.
  11. garrison

    garrison New Member

    The party was yesterday and all survived. I even had a good time. LOL I did the scavenger hunt and gave bubbles to everyone, even if they didn't complete the hunt. Later on I did the piñata. I saved out some candy and toys to make sure everyone got some. I did not do the "winner only" games.
    When anyone said to me what a nice party it was I told them that My SS will be needing help next year if they are interested, When anyone asked why I wasn't helping next year I answered "I've heard so many great ideas about how I could have done things. I've decided to let the younger ladies have some fun with this next time. By the way If you're the one keeping the food list, I'm bringing baked beans." This statement was met with looks of disbelief and dislike. I smiled at all the whiners and asked "How do you like me now?" This convo played out many times yesterday.
    I had fun, played with the kids, hung out with family and smiled.
    Thanks everyone for your reassurance. Sometimes I just can't tell if it's me following long dead customs (AKA manners) or them being themselves! LOL Oh and Xanax always helps too. ;)
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2013
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well Im glad the party was a success. Im sure the kids couldnt have cared less about the prizes that your inlaws seemed so worried about. Im assuming those were games like sack races and that one where someone carries the egg in a spoon.

    This is probably why I dont spend any time with in laws. LOL

    Next time I would have some very pressing projects that you have to get done so you dont have the time to help. I would say that you are glad others have good ideas and its probably time for you to pass the hat on to them.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Glad everyone had fun. :) I figured they would, it tends to work out that way usually. Some people just love to complain if they get the chance.

    My first halloween party I gave out "prizes" for the games. I don't recall doing that last year..........mainly because all the prizes were still here when they all went home (or most of them). The grandkids had a blast, but they really didn't / don't care about prizes the games / activities themselves were a ton of fun. Even if they had been a big deal, I only give something to the winners. Games do have a point other than fun. There were also grab bags for everyone so everyone walked away with something. However, most of that wound up staying here I didn't do that last year either. lol

    Kids will surprise you when you least expect it. :)