Is there such a thing as 'Aspie-lite'?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Sep 17, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Cuz I think, that is to say, I'm fairly certain that my H AND his mother are it, lol. Too much to go into, as we are getting ready to leave soon (because God forbid we don't allow 7 hours for a 3 hour drive, lol), but my word! I spent ALLLLLLL day with mother in law, between lunch and jacket shopping and food shopping and dinner and afterwards, with sprinklings of H in there. They are similar in so many ways, it is scary. I've thought that H could be on the spectrum for some time now, but now I'm certain. I wish I could bring him in for an official diagnosis, just so I know I'm not going crazy. They are both very intelligent. But they are both also extremely clueless! They just don't seem to be aware of others around them, it's so difficult to describe, but I think most folks here will know what I mean. While in the grocers yesterday I had to steer mother in law clear of the isles and other people's wagons countless times. The place was packed and she simply was not conscientious of this fact. Often I'd turn to check on her and she would be standing in the isle just completely oblivious that there are people trying to pass! Three times I had to actually go to her and tell her to let people pass. And every time? She's surprised any one is there. H IS THE SAME WAY, OMG!!! Lol. While shopping for her jacket (5 stores, I thought my knee would explode), every time a sales clerk would ask if we needed help, she would give them her classic cold stare and impatiently tell them, No! I finally began responding for her with a nice smile and a simple no thank you. I honestly can't tell if they are that clueless or just rude because this particular trait seems to be one they ALL have. And she refers to everyone besides herself, her family and her friends as 'those people', which is a designation I really don't care for, especially because her tone is laced with such disdain. I hate to admit it, but can be like that also, I just think he's not as bad because he knows how I feel. So i thought it was bad having to pull H out of his little world and into i have two! And this just Day One.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2011
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    That could explain the, "Why?" to everything you say or ask.

    And, yes, I believe there is. It's a spectrum disorder. I've been told that I have Aspie-like traits.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    YES! My difficult child is Aspie lite. And he is clueless. But we MAKE him say please and thank you even when he doesn't get it. Or, especially when he doesn't get it. It can be taught. When he comes home from outings or other's homes, they always pay me compliments and say that he brought his dishes to the sink, said thank you, all the stuff you're supposed to do. I am always shocked and pleased, because he fights me every step of the way.
    And you don't have to be uncoordinated, either. As others have said, it is a spectrum. If you've met one, you've met ONE.
    I think your gut is right about your m-i-l.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2011
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    There is also "shadow symptoms"... Behaviors that are aspie like but do not stop functioning.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Fran, I haven't heard of that b4. Do you have a link, or do you have time to explain more?
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Aspie-lite, As an officiaql diagnosis, probably not, but in real life applications? DEFINITELY.

    On all the school evaluations that son has gone through, he only registers as "highly likely Asperger's" Fortunately that was enough for a Dr who did his school physical to sing off on the Asperger's diagnosis (currently trying to get something more "official"

    My Dad and Uncle share SO many of the traits. When discussing with my sisters, they were surprised that I included Uncle into the mix. For him, it's less noticeable because he's had the benefit of a very social wife guiding him and teaching him all these years.

    Personally, I have a few traits. Question is are mine genetic or learned behavior because I was raised by a man who is an Aspie? I'd have to say both because my sisters also have 'traits', but interestingly, each of us have different traits. so ???????? Oldest has the least, youngest seems to have the most. Also, our 'traits' can also be partially explained by other issues such as depression or anxiety, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which, very circularly are issues Aspies contend with.

    I did read one article that said that Autism is and INTENSE version of the male personality. YUP! made perfect sense to me.

    In a nutshell, if thinking of them as Apies makes it easier for you to deal with them, then go for it.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I did read one article that said that Autism is an INTENSE version of the male personality. YUP! made perfect sense to me.

    HA! That's funny! Only, it's not, really ...
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG yes. On top of having Aspie traits myself (including face blindness), I am positive that my ex is an Aspie. He never did "get it." He could hold a job, was GREAT with numbers, but was rigid, hated change, used strange get the picture. People used to think he said the weirdest things, and he didn't even notice how puzzled they looked.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Another vote for YES!!! I did lol at the thought that autism is an intense version of the male personality, esp because the males in my family are so likely to show more classic aspie traits.

    in my opinion you are likely dealing with some degree of aspie behavior. My dad and bro are undx'd simply because having a diagnosis would do nothing for them - they don't need help, just ask them. But knowing it lets Mom and I use methods that we learned to help Wiz with them. And they work. Move toward a polite version of "Do to Get". Rude? you don't get cold milk and hot coffee. It waits awhile or the coffee gets an ice cube. They are NOT stupid. They will pick up that after a while if they are nice the food is hot and you are so much more organized getting a meal on the table but if they are rude then you suddenly are not hungry during dinner (having eaten in the kitchen while cooking while the food is hot) and their food is cold (stick it in the freezer for a couple of minutes if you need to, or nuke something cold to warm it up). Took Wiz exactly three bowls of melted ice cream to figure out that demanding it did not get what he wanted - it got soup and he did not get to have seconds or to replace it. Yes, he had a fit. No, we didn't pay attention to him. I think I may have dropped a comment at another time that gee, using good manners with Mom gets what you want, and not melted ice cream, but I may have just thought it.

    Above all, don't let them walk on you. If you do, they will expect it to be like that at all times. Remember theory of the mind (they assume that you know what they know even if you have no way of knowing it) and tweak life so that they don't get rewards for being unpleasant to you. If mother in law is rude about others, tell her that in your presence you would appreciate that she use the good manners you know she has - maybe in softer terms, but be up front about things that bug you. When it comes to your knee, she likely has NO idea of what it means when you say it hurts. So instead of soldiering on through five stores, tell her you can only do X amt because the doctor put limits so that you won't be in too much pain, and expect her to comply. Then don't give in.

    You might even find tips in books about aspergers. can't hurt to look, and it might help. I found that limits needed to be very matter of fact and routine. Even if it was something very new, I acted like this was the rule, of course it was, had always been, and no one could possibly have a problem with that. It didn't mean there was no fuss about rules/limits but it did mean a LOT less fussing about them, at least a lot less that I had to hear/deal with. husband never could master it, and had loads and loads more problems with not just Wiz, but also my dad.
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    Below is a link to the Psychology Today article interviewing the author and discussing the issue.

    I just find the connection interesting because many men I know (especially in the marital setting) have Aspie 'traits'. So, what if it's not Aspie 'traits' but just plain old 'male brain' traits that when concentrated become Asperger's/Autism, but those of us who are close to an Aspie identify it as such. Even husband had some such traits, but he was 100% NOT an Aspie - just plain old man (of course, at the moment I'm excluding all his other 'crazy' symptoms that can be attributed to something else)
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Aspie-light is not a formal diagnosis.
    However... I do know that there are a number of tests that are used when they are evaluating for anything on the autism spectrum, including Asperger's... and it is possible to have "clinically significant results" and still "not meet the diagnistic cut-off". This means that the individual has some traits that are definitely on the autism spectrum, but not enough traits to get a diagnosis. So... does that qualify as Aspie-light?
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You all do know that kids who are diagnosed Aspie, and who were involved in a study in utero, had something like 2X or 3X the amount of testosterone in the amniotic fluid b4 birth, right? It is still unknown as to whether the mother or baby produces it or whether it's some combination.
    But I am convinced that it is no coincidence.
    I posted it here a few mo's ago and will do a search in the a.m. when I'm more wide awake.
  13. keista

    keista New Member

    Interesting, Terry. Never heard of that, but did hear that men over 40 are more likely to have an Aspie child. There's a % attached to it, but don't remember it and am too tired to research it now.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    . Omg, this is my mother in law! Lol! Thanks for your input. We JUST got in from the service on LI and I'm pooped. The responses are great food for thought.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh, and did I mention, she burps ALL.DAY.LONG. I mean it, I almost vomited after half the car ride to LI. It is disgusting! Long loud burps, no excuse me, nothing. She just burps constantly and doesn't even acknowledge she's doing it! Wth is that?
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    This makes total sense to me. I want to know more about, I will def check out this info!
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Susie, one of the most difficult things about interacting with mother in law is that it has been ingrained in me to be the consummate hostess, cater, etc. I realized years ago that I only get kicked in the hiney by her when I do that, so I adjusted a bit. I'm still a great hostess, but I make her be responsible for a lot of her wants and needs. Upon arrival, I point out where the towels and family toiletries are so she can get those for herself. I'll also show her where everything in the kitchen is.

    Yesterday she asked me if I make breakfast every day...I do not...and told her that breakfast and lunch were basically independent meals as I don't eat breakfast until mid morning when I have some fruit....and that I could ask her son to make her breakfast or she can feel free to do so herself. She made herself a soft boiled egg (gag) and that was that. I saw she found herself a towel for her shower. I also incorporate her when making meals as well. For instance, she will be peeling apples later today for apple cake after we go apple picking! Lol.

    I have found myself on occasion treating H in certain situations as I would a difficult child, but now that I've cracked the code, lol, I will be more mindful of using some of every one here's techniques, I think it may make me less angry. Not because he has an excuse for his behaviors, but because I will change my approach and recognize this about him. Wow, I really do feel relief already. Thanks everyone!!!

    The service was nice, not as large a crowd or as lively as the service in FL, but very nice. It was good to see sister in law and brother in law, my girls were there and well received, my best friend on LI came as well. It was a very simple affair and sister in law grabbed a scoop of father in law's ashes for me to bury in my yard under the dogwood. He used to call himself 'Old Dog' and he made it possible for H and I to get into this house, so it seems appropriate to me. difficult child asked if we were going to put him wear our dog is buried, I laughed my hiney off because father in law hated all our dogs-called them yappers.

    I can see H still struggles with being an adult when he's with his family of origin, but baby steps, right?

    Today I'm spending the morning with MY mom and then the rest of will go pick apples. I'm praying for a nap later today-that never happens, but maybe today will be the exception, because I could really use the break. My mother in law never shuts the F up now that father in law has passed! It's like she's finally able to speak and there's no stopping her. And the stuff she talks about, her voice, tone and cadence, just sends me up the walls. I thought she would fall asleep on the way home last night, but nope. At one point she yelled from the back seat, she's so demanding, "what about some music?!" H hates the radio, but when we are making that drive I usually am the one driving and so as not to fall asleep I like the songs to sing along with. I was glad she asked, but the way she asks is just so obnoxious. Anyway, the radio went on but she still wanted to talk, so I had to keep lowering and raising the volume-it was like entered Crazyland. Lol. Anyway, a nap will help me check out later.

    And brother in law told me that mother in law loves me, which was strange to hear because you've all heard about how I think she hates me, right? Then father in law's sister (H's aunt) told me how mother in law raved and raved about how wonderfully helpful I've been....blah blah blah. If all this true, why does the woman look at me like I'm a specimen on a petrie dish? Lol!

    Thanks for listening to me.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2011
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...she actually may speak very highly of you and actually think you are a Tonys grandmother never called me by name and referred to me as "Theo's white woman" from the time I met her until the day she died. Theo is what she called him, its his middle name. His given name is Anthony Theodore and his family calls him Theodore but when I met him I told him I couldnt call him a chipmunks name so I just called him Anyway, she just refused to call me anything but that white woman. She was pure blooded Native American and I guess I just didnt make the However, I did so much for that old lady. I have seen her backside more times than I can count. Or wish to remember. I took her to the doctor more than any of her own grandkids. Tony relied on me to do those things because they were "female" things.

    When she did pass away, the nurses at the home told me she talked to them a lot about "Theo's white woman". She told them that I was the one she liked best out of all the spouses of her grands and she had learned to love me over the years. She was a tough old broad. I really miss her. She was 94 when she died. Cory was 12 then.
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That is hysterical, Janet! Thanks for sharing that gem. I had a nice visit with my mom. I bought a huge tray of cookies over for the nurses that we had leftover from yesterday and mom and I just sort of sat together and read the sunday times. I made her a huge sandwich that she devoured. I hope my sister goes by later today, I felt bad leaving her.

    mother in law, easy child, easy child's friend, H and I went apple picking. Now she keeps giving me tips on how to store and what to make with the apples, as if I'm 11. H told her he'd put them in the root cellar, lol. As if.

    Off to take a cat nap while H goes cycling and mother in law naps as well. I hope the ding dang dogs don't bark.