It’s been awhile.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Enmeshedmom, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Well since my son moved out the beginning of January. He moved in with his addict father. He went on his own we did not throw him out and we told him he could come back if it didn’t work out. Well starting the day that he moved he has not treating me very well, yelling at me almost evertime I see him and be just plain disrespectful. Last night at 8:30 he called to say that he needed to move home because he couldn’t make rent because of course his job has been screwing him over not giving him enough hours (they were cutting his hours since before Christmas so this isn’t new). I told him he could come home but that I would not tolerate the disrespect or him bringing drugs in my house (after he left I found some shrooms and pot paraphernalia in his room) Well he pitched a fit and yelled at me and ranted and raved before hanging up on me. We exchanged a few texts where he basically tells me that both his father and I have disappointed him and a lot of nonsense that is I’m guessing is supposed to give me responsibility for why his life is going the way it is. He ended up saying maybe he should live at a shelter and then said he was going to just sell his guitar and to forget it he is t coming home. He also accused me of being overly aggressive and that it has rubbed off on him which I’m really stumped over because he is the one yelling and screaming at me while I try to remain calm. I’m so worried about him but what can I do? I would have liked to sit down and have a conversation about him coming home but I was put on the spot, he wanted to move home today so I felt I had to lay it all on the line right then.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. I dont remember how old your son is or how many times you have done this dance, but whatever the answers to those questions are, it has not helped him become a responsible, loving young man. Not as of yet.

    in my opinion a conversation would probably be just words that he wont follow up on. Have you had conversations before that he didnt follow through on promises? Would he respect your wishes?

    More importantly, what do YOU want for yourself. Do you want him with you, even if things are as they were before? If so, then you dont need to talk to him.

    Do you want and expect him to be different? What if he isnt? Do you have a history of standing your ground?

    Is it horrific for you to imagine your son in a shelter?

    I used to come here answering these posts in the way I felt the young adult may do better. But I am starting to feel sad at the broken hearts of the mothers and am now telling them to do what THEY can best handle. It is no shame to put our needs first. To be more at peace. Even if our kids act up.

    I believe you know what your son is like and how it will turn out when he is with you. I think talking to them seldom helps, just like those old signed contracts in high school dont work.

    On the flip side, your son likely has a restaurant type job...most do it wouldnt be hard to find a second similar job and work two jobs. He could probably find a way to pay for a place to live.

    Some parents do that. Some let them experience shelters hoping they will hate the life they chose. Does it always work? No. Does it work sometimes? Yes! Some parents also insist their kids go to rehab and NOT come home and that can help too. And has with kids here.

    Letting them come home we do this mostly for us, and that is okay unless the adult is dangerous.

    What can YOU do, you ask. Nothing. He has to do it no matter where he resides. You can not save him from himself. He can get into trouble at home, no problem. You can not protect him. Only he can.

    One bit of advice that somebody told me it and has really worked.

    Dont take lies about you to heart. Angry, abusive lies are spoken loudly but they are still lies. The voice may be forceful but the words are still not true. You can not have a rational discussion with anyone who spews lies about you, whether or not the person believes the lies. Dont waste time defending yourself. That fuels the fire and isnt worthy of you.

    Love and hugs and I hope all goes well.
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    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm glad you told him that you will not tolerate his disrespect towards you. You can only do what you are comfortable with but if it were me, I would not allow him to move home. If you do choose to let him be prepared as things do not usually get better and then you may have a hard time getting him to leave.
    I swear there is a handbook out there that our difficult adult children use and chapter one is "blame your parents for your screwed up life" This is just misplace anger. They are angry because their lives are a mess and rather that own the responsibility of their own poor choices, it's much easier to blame mom and dad. My son had been on his own for many years and still wanted to blame me. I pointed out to him that I did not have any influence in his life after turning 18 and all the decisions he has made are his and his alone.
    Your son, my son and all the difficult adult children we share about here on this site have a choice each day when they wake up. They can choose to make better choices or they can choose to continue down a path of dysfunction. Regardless of what they choose, it's their choice, not ours.

    I encourage you to really think long and hard before allowing him to move into your home. Are you up for the battle?
    Also, remember that none of this is your fault. Your son has made his choices all on his own. Please don't allow him to drag into a guilt trip.

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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree with the other ladies.

    There is no way I would let him come home. It isn't going to help him and it is going to make you miserable.

    I know you are worried about him but you cannot fix him and our love can't fix this. If it did, none of us would be here.

    I am not sure what your son's issues are but if drugs are involved, forget it. Until they get clean they don't get better and their lives don't change.

    You need to have peace and your life matters. This is our one life to live too. If you do not see a therapist, I think you should look into it. It would help you see things from a different perspective and to create firm but loving boundaries.

  5. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Well he is home. I got a call this afternoon he was hysterical saying could I please come and help him get his stuff because his dad was messed up and acting crazy. So of course I went, his dad was belligerent and I couldn’t even understand most of what he was saying. I helped him gather his things and loaded my car and his still not sure exactly what I was going to do. And then he said that he was ready to appreciate what he has at our house and that he will pay us rent and respect us and our rules if he could come home. I called my husband and we decided to let him come home. He told me that his dad was telling him that he was having an ms attack when he was really high, but he figured out that he only had these attack’s after his “friends” came by for a few minutes. I’m not sure how this is going to go but that is where we are right now. Proof will be in the pudding as the saying goes...
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Remember they are always pretty words and promises at first. When they need something. It could last hours, days, a month. Without treatment however it is unlikely to change for good. Be careful.

    Keep your guard up and dont expect a miracle. Nothing happened in his life that would change it so it could well be just hot air. I hope not, but he was just nasty to you yesterday. Expect more of the same.

    If he gets abusive or dangerous have a plan to take care of yourself. It may not be easy to get him out later if you let his mail come to yourself now.

    Praying for your safety and wisdom and willingness to act quickly if he is no different.
  7. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    He has never been abusive or dangerous. Well maybe his yelling over the last month could have bordered on verbal abuse sometimes but it did not rise to that level when he was living here. I think because he knows that I can only be pushed so far. His mail has always come here and still does, he hadn’t changed anything yet because he was waiting for w2’s to come.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well.. ..thats cool. Just want you to be aware, in case you arent, that if his mail goes to your address, then if you decide he can no longer live with you, you will have to evict him.

    But it sounds like he is not a danger to you.

    I hope it works out.

    Love and light!
  9. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Only time will tell I guess.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is typical. Showing up at the door. An emergency with nowhere else to go. Right now. This minute.

    I could be charitable and say that it is because their lives are chaotic and that they are impulsive. And that's true. But it's also true that they do NOT want to have a conversation with us. They don't want us to have a voice. They don't want it to be OK for us. They want what THEY want, when they want, how they want.
    And then when you do, there is an explosion or you are labeled as a :censored2:, or difficult or problematic. You become the identified patient, and they, the innocent lamb. The victim. The martyr. Because. See. You're NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A VOICE. There's no room here for your voice and needs. The relationship they want with us is: YES. That's it.
    I call these "magic words." Sometimes I call these "keys to the kingdom." They are designed to open doors or to extract resources. And they work.

    So. Now. What to do? It is not a good sign that he was abusive to you right off the bat. There is no reason to expect that he will have a conversion experience and change. Change does not happen like that.

    What I have learned is that I HAVE NO POWER to effect ANY change in my son. Only he does. But I can change.

    I want my son to take responsibility, to be a problem solver, to have goals and to meet them, and to take care of his health and mental health. All of my focus on this has led to frustration, pain and struggle.

    I am learning that the way I can change is to learn to accept reality, to say NO, to live in the present, and to act from love. The problem is that these are contradictory. And I get easily confused. And then I don't know what to do. Except, there is a major advantage to this paragraph. All of these results are in me, and not in him. At least there's some hope.

    I don't agree with some of the posters above. I believe that talking helps, realizing that they don't listen to our conditions and they forget them the minute they gain entry or what they want. I think the talking that helps is "I statements." I need this because I feel that. Or. That won't work for me. I need xx.

    But that requires you first to think about and to anticipate your needs and bottom line, and most important, to follow through: If your needs are NOT being met, change has to happen. And that usually means that they leave.

    From my experience my son will attempt to turn the tables and make the problem me. And a whole lot of the time I buy it. That is why distance has its advantages. Because with distance, they have to feel the effects of their choices and lives. They can blame us up to a point, but this gets old. Eventually they begin to see that their choices have created their reality, not their mother's choices. Hopefully.

    The problem is that distance is EXTREMELY painful for some of us, namely ME. But sometimes there is no choice. I am learning the importance of having a very, very scanty bottom line. But it's hard.

    I am going to see my son tomorrow (I hope he shows) and I am still not sure what will be my bottom line. What I think I will do is follow my own advice: stay in the present; act from love; don't make any decisions from pressure, etc. And another one, that I forgot. He gets to write his own life. Not me. But I get to write mine. If he wants stuff from me, it has to work for me, and he is the one who has to make it work. Not me.

    And regarding being stuck with him, if he does not make it work. Tenant law differs from state to state. I doubt he will have tenant's rights right away. In my state tenant's rights come after 28 days.

    I would get one of those deadbolt locks that has a code, that can be easily changed. I would think over the next few days what is your bottom line. What you can't, won't tolerate. What you need him to do. I would be very clear. And keep to the basics. I would tell him: This is conditional and short-term. We will re-evaluate every week to see how we are doing. If he does not follow through in a major way, I would consider telling him to leave (before the 28 days, if your state is the same as my own) and I would change the code.

    This is how people learn. They learn from experience. Not always. But sometimes. They don't learn from magic words. They learn from consequences.
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    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  11. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    I agree about the i statements. I sent him a text yesterday and said that my only wish for him is that he is happy but that it was no longer going to come at the cost of my own happiness. That I refuse to except unacceptable behavior and expect to be treated the same way I treat him. Like Dr. Phil use to say “you can call me a son of a bit#$ but you’ll do it long distance.” When it comes down to it I don’t believe he will fight us if we tell him he has to go.
  12. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Well I got a call from his grandmother last night, apparently my son brought his dad to her place because she had surgery on Friday and he said he needed to take care of her. But instead when they got there my son witnessed his father trying to force his mother who just had surgery to give him her pain pills and acting like a complete lunatic. My son and a couple neighbors had to pull him out of there and when he called me he was on his way back to the apartment with his father flipping out in the passengers seat... I think he could have made rent, it wasn’t about that at all. I think he didn’t want to say he is afraid of him. She said my son called her later to make sure she was ok and that he felt really bad having been the one that brought him there. He told me this morning that he is done being sneaky and he doesn’t want to live like a cool guy anymore.whatever that means. So we will take it day by day. A month with that monster may have been exactly what he needed to see for himself what his true nature is. It’s only been a couple of days and I know how fast things can change but for now I am hopeful.
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Wishing you strength on this journey.

    I know how hard it is. Do what you need to do. We're here for you.
  14. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Well we are a week in and so far so good. The extreme anger seems to have gone except for when he starts to talk about his dad. He really had him fooled about the kind of person he was until he moved in and got to see it first hand. My son told me he saw some of the negative traits he has gotten from his dad up close and personal and he hates it and wants to change those things. I think he means it and maybe now that he has gotten over this hurdle things will actually start to improve for him. He needs another job because the one he has is not giving him many hours but because he is still using pot he is limited to jobs that don’t drug test. He has a couple of great options should he decide to quit using, at least long enough to pass a pre employment screening but that will be up to him.
  15. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Unfortunately it can take up to a month to clear it out if his system.
  16. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Yes it can, if not longer.