Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JayPee, Aug 7, 2019.
$80 for gas???????
[ I know the overwhelming worry, minute byminute, checking the phone, feelinglike you are flying with out a netanxiety ridden existence. ]
This has been me, too! And I need to recognize this. It is an addiction.
What I started practicing with my son is that I do not listen to attacks or verbal abuse. The conversation is over as soon as he does this .I will calmly with my crown perfectly adhered to my head walk away and tell him that today I do not accept criticism from anyone .I go into my room, lock the door, put my noise machine on and read Al Anon literature.
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 750328, member: 23405" He claims using the A/C in this heat is what uses up the gas so quickly.
How do I find that strength to be the change? I know it’s God but even tho I pray every day, I repeat this same pattern over and over.
I have not met my son to gas his vehicle but to be honest I keep looking at my blocked voicemails to see if he has called again.
I will pray and ask God to help me. There’s obviously something He wants me to learn here that I’m not getting.[/QUOTE]
Jay, he is pulling at your heart strings. My daughter manipulated me for years this way. Someone here said if you cave, you will still be doing this at 40, 50, 60. That is a fact! In the end, the reward we get from becoming adults is not just independence, it also comes with responsibility. We are ONLY responsible for what WE do. Your son will now have a loan to pay. My daughter never thought a thing about charging up credit cards to the max gambling and no job, after all, she didn't really think she would be the one paying.
So how do you stop it? you just do. According the books I read on behavior disorders, we must set boundaries and stick to them. About three years ago, I let my daughter know there would be no more money unless she had a job, stopped drinking (ranging alcoholic and liver is now failing at age 40), and moved in a positive direction. They need boundaries and we should let them know ahead of time what those are so they don't feel abandoned. We need the boundary so we can reflect when necessary and stick to them. They will find a way. My daughter is now on food stamps, something she said she would never do. She is sick, she blames it all on a mold exposure, but her behaviors have been what they are before that. Not that it helped, but the fact is that her liver failing is making her sick. I pray she realizes that before it's too late. (She lives 1200 miles away and i have no idea where she is staying, not sure I want to). I have sent her links to AA, support groups for Borderline (BPD), etc. etc. It never got a good response, so I quit doing it. The best advice given me by a therapist is to be prepared for their response, which is seldom rational. My daughter has unleashed such vile anger, I cannot repeat it. I have blocked her in the past because I just couldn't handle it. Despite therapy, I absorbed everything she has said like a sponge, even though none of it is TRUE! I am so grateful for other children who remind me of this. It's okay to take a break if you need to do it for self preservation. The last big blow out with my daughter was this past spring. I set a new boundary, "If you cannot respond to me in a kind manner, don't! I love you." I didn't hear from her for months. Now, every once in a while, she will send a benign text and I do the same, just to let each other know we are still here, I guess. I pray everyday for the strength to let go and let God. I have to have faith God is working with her. My place is to be here when she is ready to get meaningful help.
I ask myself this time and time again, will the way I live MY life today affect my daughters outcome? The answer is no. My journey is of my choosing, her outcome depends on her choices. I work at making my journey joyful, filled with gratitude, but on occasion the days are just bearable. There are days when I have obsessed about no contact, but that's not healthy for us or for them. How I cope is to replace those thoughts. I get physically busy, clean drawers, work in the yard, picture up my camera, write my blog. Being on this forum is helpful too. There is something to be said for helping others, helps ourselves.
I have learned to start my day with a daughter prayer because if I do it at night, I won't get to sleep. I reserve night prayers for gratitude and prayers for all those in my life who bring me such joy. In the morning it's easier to pray and let it go. I have begged God, felt like He abandoned me, that is until I realized, He can only work in my daughter's life if she lets him in. I am in charge of having the faith He will keep trying. I pray I don't out live my daughter, but again, that's up to her and the free will He gives us.
I hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.
I must say this again ... thank you all for sharing your strength and life stories. You have each touched me if not for nothing else but concern for another who is hurting.
I want to share a book I got today which feels like God Himself came down and handed it to me. I struggle with being Christian and then trying to say no to the gas and enabling etc. this book quotes scripture in very direct ways on what God has said and in direct corillation to enabling and setting boundaries. It has opened my eyes insofar as letting me know what I should be doing and that I am doing God’s will.
It’s a NY Times BESTSELLER called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend.
I read that book. Its good.
Yes it's good. Many of us here have read it.
I think it's one you can read more than once though!!
So I’ve had a little more drama but am remaining strong. Son sent blocked voicemails and emails telling me he had a flat in a tire I knew he had a nail in 2-3 months ago and at the time told him to get a new one and I’d pay for it. He didn’t. Flat tires are a regular occurrence when living in your car due to places you go to park to sleep inconspicuously. The last flat tire he told me the tire place didn’t give him back his spare. I told him to follow up but it appears he didn’t. Now he’s got the flat with no spare and no gas. I bought him and my other semi- homeless son AAA cards earlier this year so he could call them and work this dilemma out. I can’t imagine he’s the only person who has not had spare. I know he has no $ but still there must be something he can figure out. I would have helped him but he began spewing vile insults calling me a slut and a whore and that all I wanted was a husband. This is so insane because I have not even gone out or seen anyone since my divorce two years ago. He’s angry because I would not disclose where I went on vacation and he assumed it must be with a man I suppose because I said I would be unavailable. I don’t know. But the other stuff I won’t repeat. It’s just beyond comprehension. I did not reply to emails or blocked voicemails and have since blocked him thru my service provider rather than just on my phone so he cant leave blocked voice messages. I’m trying to work thru the discomfort of what he’s going thru and reminding myself of what he said to me. I am detaching with hurt but I am detaching and have been reading books on Radical Acceptance and Christian Boundaries. It’s helping.
Hoping I can stay strong
You don't know he actually has s flat tire. Seems like when he wants money he always comrs up with some catastrophe. Yet he wont work.
He can get a job and work for that tire.
People who live in cars rarely drive as much s your son. I think he fibs. They all do. Where does he have to drive to that this is an emergency?? He can walk too. Your son.is playing serious mind games with you. Trust me, I was a victim of my kids "emergencies," too. Things happened to Kay that were never her fault and that we had to fix or we didn't love her. Nobody had more catastrophic events than Kay! It was daily.
Your history has been to jump each time he says he needs something. I cant stop you. Nobody can. He is your addiction.
You will never learn to live through his lies, emergencies that are not, and abuse if you don't or wont stop. This son is your alcohol. Where does he need to drive where a flat tire is an.emergency? What is wrong with his legs? He can't walk?
We can.only try to encourage you. Like any addict, we cant stop what you do. This has to come from your deep desire to get well and live your life. Talking about this to you is the same as talking to your son and giving him ad.vice he ignores. Every bit of our thoughts are only as valuable as you think they are.
i have been there until our lives were on.the line. You have to stop on your own. Just like a drug addict.
I have; one possible suggestion. l love Al Anon but it'su not helping you. I suggest going to AA. Listen to the! addicts speak. They will maybe inspire you as well as tell how they quit drinking. Your son's crazy life is your alcohol. I have no doubt that it is very hard to quit your addiction. That is why I suggested AA.
Take time to remember THIS moments reality and accept it and accept yourself and accept who your son is and take a healing nature walk. Think before doing. You risk your son never getting his act together because you are always there.
One more possible inspiration.
I was talking to a man who is an addict, 30 y.ears clean, with a badly addicted son AND an addicted daughter in law. He told me that they were going nowhere until he cut all monetary help. All.
They are still addicts and angry at him ,( he knows the addict mindset so he can handle it) and he stands his ground. They are still using, but miraculously they are finding ways to get their necessities met and are becoming more independent. This man told us that addicts are very self centered and that he still is, but he is working on being more other oriented. His wife is lovely.
These are long time clients of ours. This man is educated and successful. And he has told us all this because he knows abouti Kay. We are friends after all this time. So I share these words from a once homeless college graduate who he tells us will always be an addict and can never take a sip of beer or he will relapse.
Have a great day. Think before you act. Go to AA. Hugs to you.
Busy thank you. I agree he’s like my alcohol to an alcoholic. I suppose living with the crisis and chaos of my alcoholic ex has pre-disposed me to these behaviors. Maybe since he’s not in my life anymore I’m thriving on these other issues.
I am completely looking at this problem and trying to handle him like I did the alcoholic.
I am feeling stronger and want to stop my pattern of behavior. I know I’m the only one who can change it for the better.
Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement.
I didn't mean to treat him like an alcoholic at all. I meant to treat him as though he IS alcohol, and you are an alcoholic.hThat'sj a different way. He is toxic to you. An addictive source. One sip of giving into his demands and are back to square one.
At the same time he is addicted to your money, and is not even interested in breaking THAT addiction and looking elsewhere for life options. He will have to look elsewhere, if you stop your dependence on his unhealthy demands. So you both lose if you don't. Neither of you are thriving.
I am curious about something that I don't know if you even are aware of.
Where does he drive to blow through $80 in three days? You never answer that and you don't have to. But he sure isn't driving all over to change his life for the better.
Be well. God bless.
Hi Busy. I see what you mean “he is my alcohol”.
I don’t know where he’s driving all around to honestly. I do believe he used most if not all of the $80 on food and coffee at the convenience store. He figured it would be like usual and he’d just say sorry I overspent and I’d replenish.
You’re right in that likely most everything he says to me is a lie.
Overspent on what?
Lets be rational.
He lives in a car so he doesn't need heavy duty cleaning supplies and coffee? He has a coffee pot? No. Nor is coffee a need. So buying cups of coffee all day to stay awake because he has no life is wasting your money. He can go to a food pantry or shelter for meals. He doesn't want to? Get a job.
He doesn't need gas in his car. Walking is at least good excerise. Sitting in a car eating potato chips is not. If he smokes, that's a big chunk of unhealthy change too. And its far from necessary. I am not being self righteous. My Kay smokes then complains about being broke. But she no longer buys these things because of us.
You are wasting $80 every three days because you are addicted to your son and the lifestyle you created for yourself around him. Like he is your alcohol and you are an alcoholic that knows she should quit but doesn't want to do the hard physical and emotional work to do it. So you stay addicted. As does he. Both your lives go nowhere. How do I know? This was me and my husband, addicted to Kay.
I have the insight, but nothing more. I am sorry. The only way I know how to help you quit is to not do or say anything. So I probably wont anymore and let you do it yourself. Or not do it. I can only control myself.it took us a decade to break the Kay addiction and it almost killed us.
I will pray to give you the strength. That is what I finally did regarding Kay. Honestly, my husband and I are doing really well since we stopped the craziness. It still hurts my heart, but its not debilitating. We can both function and enjoy our lives and other loved ones. We are no longer letting Kay hold us emotionally hostage. Be well.
Does he leave the car running for A/C or heat? That would eat up gas. I agree with Busy, you have to let go. And I need to hear those words myself, trust me! Let go, and let God .By enabling our children, we are standing in their Higher Power's way.
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