It's been a week since we heard from difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, Nov 20, 2011.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am very surprised that we haven't heard from difficult child since last Sunday. I was sure that she would run out of food or gas and we would hear from her. Her rent is due for the halfway house today and she hasn't called about meeting us to get it or getting food for next week.

    We haven't tried to call her or the sober house. I am not sure I am up to it. It has been so quiet and peaceful this past week. I don't want thrown into the chaos of difficult child world.

    I guess we'll wait and see if she contacts us today. If not, it will mean that she has left the halfway house and doesn't plan on telling us.

  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Kathy I am right there with you. We havent heard from difficult child since Tuesday when he told us he didn't get on that plane. I do check phone records so i know he is alive and not yet in jail. I don't like the waiting for something to happen.... and I keep imagining various scenarios.... but I am staying strong in my resolve. I am not willing to call probation and tell them he did not go back but I have decided I absolutely will not lie for him... so if they call or I run into them i will tell them the truth.

    So stay strong.... and let us know if you hear and I will do the same.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    oh kathy. This has to be hard. I am very surprised. Your dtr doesnt seem the type to keep you in the dark unless she is planning some sort of manipulative attack on you.

    TL....stay strong. I firmly believe that you are not the local police. They dont pay you to be his probation officer. It is my opinion that you dont have to call the cops to report what he has done. Now if they come and specifically ask you a question then you can answer them in any way you wish. For example if they came to your door and asked if your son was there at your house. No he isnt. Do you know where he is. No you dont. Where is he supposed to be. At the sober house. Have any ideas where he might be? Last I saw him was the airport. Do you know his friends? Well since he has been gone, Im not really sure anymore.

    But that is up to you.
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hey-just want you to know that I am thinking of both of you. When they are being "squeaky wheels" we pray for calm and quiet, when it it TOO quiet - the calm turns into unrest.

    And in the meantime I wish we all had kids who called on Sunday nights and took US out to lunch once in a while. Maybe someday.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member that the definition of normal adult kid relationships? Because if it is, thats basically what goes on around here now.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy and TL I know how hard the waiting is and the anticipation is agonizing. My anxiety is high just thinking about what you are going through. Even though we hear from difficult child once in a while I still wonder if she is telling me the truth and from her phone records I am a little worried about who she is associating with too. We never can relax, we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I hope both you ladies have a peaceful week and can somehow enjoy thanksgiving without drama.

  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I don't know if it's the definition of normal kid relationships ...but it would be nice. I speak to my mom a few times a week and I mostly let HER buy lunch ... I know she worries about me (mostly bc of difficult child) but she knows I am safe and healthy. That's what I want with my own kids...
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Kathy - It would be my hope that she got tired of saying "Mom can you help me.....blah blah blah, and just finally HAS to do something on her own once and for all." Hugs for your anxiety and blessings for your peace.

    TL - I, Same here. They came, I told the truth - and boy howdy was that a stroke of genius - they already KNEW the truth - had it on their itty bitty clip board. ()(&%)&%_@)(#ing liars) I'm telling you I don't trust them anymore - they lie, lie lie - and there I am telling the truth....I was too tired to throw out body language he could read other than - Im too tired to play with you mister - here's the truth...and looked down an saw it all in black and white - he already knew. My next new doormat? Swear to dog - going to say - COME BACK WITH A WARRANT - the current one says KEEP OUT.....with a skull and crossbones. lol - the one on the front porch should say - DONT MOVE - five pit bulls are eyeing you now for lunch because you missed the itty bitty sign that said (do not open gate) Hugs to you -
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, we should have known. difficult child called and asked when we were going to meet her so she could get food and the check for the halfway house. I asked how job hunting was going and she said that she had put in a lot of applications on Craigslist. I asked her what about going place to place in person (she is looking for a job in a hair salon as an assistant) and she said, "but that would use up my gas." Umm, what else is she doing that is using up gas? Her answer was going to meetings.

    Whatever. She also asked if we were going to Alanon meetings. I told her we had been to one but I wasn't overly impressed. She said, "What if I had said that about AA meetings? We are learning that this is a family disease and you need to do your part." I wasn't thrilled with how she said it but I think she has a point and I am going to look at some meetings close to home and give a few more a try.

    She also asked about Thanksgiving and seemed very hurt when I said that we would meet her for supper. She asked what we were doing with the rest of the day and I explained that our plans didn't include her based on past holiday experiences. She said something about being already depressed and this wasn't going to help. I'm starting to second guess myself about this. My friend said that difficult child was invited, too, and knows her history. Do ya'll think we should bring her with us? It would save us money instead of eating again later at a restaurant. Right now we just left it that we would meet her later in the day.

    So $225 later (food, cigarettes, gasoline, and rent) she's back to the halfway house and we are back home. I am sitting here with my bag of Hershey Hugs recovering from my difficult child outing.

    Last edited: Nov 20, 2011
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy this may be unpopular but just to keep peace I would probably take her but make it perfectly clear that if there is any problem she would be asked to leave and that if she didn't think she could act appropriately tell you now. I have found in the past that by being up front with difficult child in this manner and telling her what I expected she usually performed well. If that doesn't make you comfortable then don't do it.

    When difficult child was in treatment I did go to al-anon meetings, sometimes several a week. They encourage family members to attend and I did in support of difficult child. We even went to meetings that were held at the same to as her AA meeting, husband and I went to ours and she went to hers. We did everything we could to show her we supported her sobriety. Hopefully you can find some that you find helpful at least for now.
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2011
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    If it was me, I'd take her. If she's working on her worst habit being cigs and she's 26 yo, I'd think she is due some familial inclusion. That is said without having the hx of what she has put you thru in the past or how things have ended up on family events, so take that for a grain of salt. No offfense intended to anyone, but I wouldn't go the route of saying 'if she can behave' or whatever. And she is right, it is a family disease. That doesn't mean she has a right or control to make anyone else do anything they aren't comfortable with. That is up to you and the rest of her close family.
  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I do not mean to be disagreeable-but if you decide to take her I would state "if you agree to behave - or "these are our expectations of your behavior" and spell it out. Attire, manners, RSVP, whatever. Leave no gray. Her choice to attend after that. And if not, you meet for coffee & pie after dinner and bring her some leftovers if you wish. Just my $0.02 Clear expectations -of course at 26 she should be too old for that- but that's another topic
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to send you more hugs and strength...............
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I just came back from the AA meeting of a young man that difficult child was in rehab with. He had his frist lead tonight. It was an awesome meeting and I am so glad we went. I got a chance to tell his mother that he was instrumental in convincing difficult child to go to a sober house. Their meetings are soooooo different than ours. They are uplifting and emotional and very very relevant. One thing that was said is that no one goes into rehab or sober houses willingly. To hear each of them talk about how they went in to get their families or courts off their backs just made me realize that miracles do happen even when you have a very unwilling participant. That is why there is always hope. Your difficult child is saying the right things, so she is listening.

  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I guess I should add that my friend is also easy child's assistant principal and evaluator. I have known her for years and she is one of my best friends. She has watched difficult child grow up and knows about all of the problems that we have had and would never hold it against easy child. Still, I think it would add an additional embarrassment factor for easy child if difficult child acts out.

    easy child is visiting her bff who lives in California for a few days. I just texted her asking if she would mind if difficult child went with us to our friend's house and she texted back that she didn't care but would leave if difficult child started acting crazy.

    Is it fair to take the chance of ruining another holiday for easy child in front of her assistant principal? On the other hand, doesn't difficult child deserve a chance to be included if she is making an effort to do the right thing.

    easy child just texted me again saying that she would rather have difficult child just join us for dinner later. She said that she doesn't think difficult child is capable of meeting us at our friend's house without creating a scene. She also added that if difficult child's feelings are hurt by that she should know it's her own fault.

    Wow, usually my easy child is very unconfrontational and will say whatever if I ask her if it is okay to include difficult child. She must feel really strongly about this.

    So I am torn but leaning towards meeting difficult child later in the day for dinner.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    JMHO- there are problems when a parent continuously favors a 'good' child over a bad one- the 'bad' one will never be seen any other way. on the other hand if a sibling has always taken a backseat to a one that is always getting the attention or 'help' from a parent due to issues, that causes problems, too. The bottom line is that only you can figure out which way this is. But for your daughter trying to find her way in recovery, I strongly suggest against talking to her like she's a 6yo and telling her how to behave. I'd also suggest that you don't let either 'child' make this choice for you- you are the parent.
  17. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    It's PCs turn to have her needs be #1. I realize that your friend would not hold difficult child's behavior against your easy child. And I am sure easy child realizes that too. But, she also had to see her principal everyday. And I think she deserves to have her be able to establish her work "persona" free of gfgf's drama.

    My brother was a difficult child & we have an unusual last name. It was horrible to be known as his younger sister sometimes. At 16, I got pulled over for a minor traffic violation & when the cop saw my license he recognized the name and then he hassled me, searched the car and got really snarky. My 75 yo mom still cringes when people hear her name & ask if she's related to difficult child!

    So, I'd honor pcs wishes here. Bring difficult child a plate of leftovers and meet her for dessert.

  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I was lucky enough to find a good al-anon group, but I do have to say they're nothing like the AA meetings as Nancy said. I learned quite a bit in al-anon, but I'll tell you I learned a lot more in the AA meetings.

    As far as the holidays what you feel is best and then don't worry about it. You're not going to please everyone anyway. But at this stage of recovery, difficult child might feel better with the plate of leftovers and visiting and having dessert with you all later on rather than being surrounded by a lot of people.

    Glad she got in touch with you.

  19. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    If it were me I think I would just meet with difficult child later. Your easy child has probably had to take a back seat to difficult child all these years (based on my own experience) and I think she deserves to feel comfortable on Thanksgiving. It is reasonable that since difficult child has ruined so many holidays that this time you say you don't want to take that chance. She is 26 years old, not 15. Of course she will be depressed--she has made bad choices and now must pay the price! Just my 2 cents worth.
  20. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I would abide by easy child's wishes, too. I have seen firsthand here, how often PCs take the backseat to difficult children. Your difficult child is 26. She absolutely needs to face the feelings she has caused in her family. That would be a great subject for her to talk about at group. They need to learn their actions have consequences that affect more than just themselves.

    For me, I still have not heard a word from difficult child. I have kept my promise to myself that I would not contact her or let her know that I know anything about what is going on in her world via Facebook. If she has access to Facebook, she has access to me. I know she knows my phone number, email address, etc. So, now it is Monday and Thanksgiving is Thursday. I am not going to stress over it anymore. I tried finding somewhere to volunteer but no one has gotten back to me so I AM doing my turkey day at home. I am making what I want to make and I have decided that if difficult child calls, I will tell her that we made plans since we have not heard from her (she doesn't need to know what those plans are). I decided I would either meet her for a big breakfast (Golden Corral is open) or I will meet her later in the day to go see Breaking Dawn. But, I am pretty much thinking I may not hear from her at all, which is actually totally fine by me.