It's been a while......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hopeful97, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    It's been a while since I have posted anything or talked with anyone on this site. It has been a long journey thus far..... my son has been in and out of jail several times in addition to the times I talked about previously. We had no choice but to make him leave at 18 years old because of threats, violence, many break ins and the company he was and is still keeping..... you can read my previous posts for further history but you probably can fill in the blanks pretty easily.....at least those that have been on this type of journey for a while. My son will be 20 in 6 months, he is a wanted felon (3 felonies that we know of). He has fathered at least 1 child that we know of... this is allegedly his 1st child which would be our 1st grandchild. We recently saw the mother of this child at a local store and talked with her (she has a reputation not much better than our son). At any rate..... my son was/is running from his warrants, but managed to be around when our first granddaughter was born. This was approximately 6 weeks ago. When we ran into the mother, we were able to have a "normal" conversation with her and were able to arrange to meet our granddaughter at a "nuetral" location. Since I joined this forum approximately 2 years ago (around the time we made our son leave our home) we have been through many more trials that I cannot explain. We want, very much, to be a part of our granddaughters life but it has to be without our son around when we see her. You see, since our granddaughter was born February 8, 2017 our son has gotten worse (which we both believed was not possible). He is involved with some very scary people. Our local police department has an extra watch on our home. He has been out of jail since the first part of January and never reported to his PO, thus the warrants. The charges we know of for this current warrant for not reporting to his PO are: two 2nd degree burgarlies, receiving stolen property and property damage. Most of the police know us by name and have been very helpful. Our son broke into our home for the umteenth time approx., 1 month after he was released and ordered to report to his PO for 5 years probation. By the way our granddaughter is beautiful, her mother says she wants us to be a part of her life but we have to tread lightly because like I said the mother is almost as bad as our son and we do not want our granddaughter being used as a pawn....we realize we may get really attached (we already are) but may have to back off and let the mother know (either we are a part of our granddaughter's life or not). Okay, I jumped all over but hopefully you can somewhat follow what I am saying. Like I said it's been a long time since I've been here to talk to others in similar situations.

    I saw yesterday on my newsfeed on facebook that my son saw his daughter so I went to his facebook page today to pull some of the new pictures off of his page. I was not surprised at what I saw, just saddened and kinda fearful. I have seen my son do drug deals on facebook and sell stolen property on facebook, the local police are fully aware (maybe they are building a case.... who knows..... our local police are great it seems to be the judicial system that is screwed up). There were pictures of my son and his buddy on facebook with guns, masked up and talking about robbing people...... I am not using this as an excuse or scapegoat, because my son knows he can control or be better with medicine. He has several mental health diagnoses and by now I am sure is an addict (of what I am not sure..... some of it probably self medicating) He knows from several years before 18 years old that medicine helps. He is also extremely narcissistic, nothing like I have ever seen or read about before and believe me I have done a tremendous amount of research and reading into most mental illnesses, addictions.....etc.... He plain.....does not think there is anything wrong with his lifestyle. These pictures with guns and talk about masking up and robbing people and places is very scary. I do not want to end up one of those parents that is shot and killed by their son because I, in his opinion, did or did not do something...... or in any shape or form hurt my granddaughter. The current plan is to go to the local police department in the morning and speak with the Chief tell him once again what is going on and can they step up patrol.

    With all of this said, I recently became aware of an organization called KAIROS. You can look it up online. The give 2 free retreats a year for women that are affected in someway by a friend, family member, etc.... that is or has been incarcerated. I have talked with this organization and some of the representatives and volunteers and I cannot wait to attend this upcoming retreat. If you think that it is not in your area, if you contact someone they can help you get to a seminar close to you. Just wanted to put this out there in the hopes that it will help someone.

    Also, when I first came to this site..... after several conversations and promptings and/or suggestions to try an Al-Anon meeting..... I finally went to a meeting and had to go to several, as suggested in the meetings. I an only testify that God led me to this website when things were getting unbearable which in turn led me to Al-Anon (I am now part of a team that goes to rehab facilities and talks with the loved ones of the ones in trouble about Al-Anon...... it is a very good feeling when you can help someone (like myself) in these sad situations begin to recover..... if you read and research enough you will know what mean by recovery. I hear all the time from my sister and also from a very close friend that they finally have their "sister, friend" back. I am scared and not scared of my son in this "gun violence... whatever you want call it....state of mind" just extremely saddened.

    I don't want to keep going, because I could go on and on and on.......I hope this helps someone.... please pray that we will be able to be a constant, continuing positive influence in our granddaughter's life (she is just manipulative and self centered as he is). Wow what a balancing act this is going to be.....

    Thank you for listening and thank you for your feedback.

    Huge Hugs, Hopeful97
     
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  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I wonder how much Hollywood influences our children. They make the drug-fueled, gun toting lifestyle look exciting and glamorous.

    I'm glad that you've been able to meet your granddaughter. I hope that you can continue to see her, but I understand your caution. Do you think moving, so that your son doesn't know where you live would be helpful?

    I was married to a man when I was in my twenties who was embroiled in that thrilling and dangerous life-style. I decided that I needed to get myself out of it. It took me 6 months to plan a move safely. I was terrified that he would hunt me down and kill me. It took him 3 days to find me. I did manage to get away from him, though. He still keeps tabs on me 30 years later, and I am still cautious.
     
  3. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Hey, hopeful! My son is very similar to yours in age and other areas. We kicked him out 6 weeks ago because I found a gun in his room, along with a big bag of pills and a large stack of cash. He was having 10 minute meetings with 'friends' at the park behind our house. Things have been bad for many years but this was a new level. He also thinks there is nothing wrong with his lifestyle. He even said he thinks everyone has had a gun pointed at them at one time or another. It's no big deal, mom.
    I hope that you are able to forge a relationship with your granddaughter, I feel for you as I think I 'know' the kind of girl your son may be involved with. Mine just said last week that he paid for an abortion from the last girl he was infatuated with. While I doubt this is true, and even further doubt it is his, she is in and out of mental hospitals and gave my son herpes. My husband was adopted and very much against abortion and could have gone his whole life without my son giving him this information. He told him now he's a murderer too.
    I am heartbroken this morning, my husband allowed him to come in and do laundry last night but we couldn't get him to leave. It was a very heartbreaking scene, he did leave eventually but spewing profanities, slamming doors and leaving a pile of trash in our driveway.
    This road has already been so long, and they are only 20! I don't feel I have the strength to deal with this much longer. Something is going to give. Stay strong and I wish you peace!
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hopeful

    Such a sad story about your son. My son has been on a destructive path since 15 but we got him out of our house last year at this time. He is doing better away from us and husband and I are doing better too. I feel for you because we've been through a horrible situation with our son and drugs. Different but the same pain and sadness.

    I can't even imagine your love for that little baby girl! She is a blessing in all of this and I hope that you are able to continue a relationship with her in spite of this mess.

    Great that you have found support and found God in all of this. I don't understand how these boys don't get it and you just hope they stay alive long enough to see what they are really doing to themselves and their families. I pray every day that my son will find and stay on the right path. Sometimes I think he is but at times I don't know. You're right Bluebell, my son is only 21 and I'm exhausted!

    Keep us posted Hopeful.
     
  5. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    I so hope everything works out that you can have this amazing little girl in your life. Yes, it is shocking that many of us have kids that are in their late teens, early 20's(mine is 22) and we are already exhausted from raising them. I myself feel like I have been on so many roller coaster rides with my son that I have no interest in going to Six Flags. I am sorry and feel your pain in trying to fathom how the heck our kids can get in criminal trouble and then blow it off. My son never followed thru with probation...ARD... etc. it's so sad to see them sitting in court, handcuffed Etc when many of us parents at the most have only had a speeding ticket.
     
  6. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Thank you Bluebell. I am sorry for your pain. It is all very heartbreaking. I have only talked to my son and not seen him for a long time, with the exception of about a week ago. I agreed to meet him at a park. It lasted all of 5 minutes. He wanted a ride, then food then money.... the continously answer was and still is No. I cannot and will not support his choice of lifestyle.... AL Anon program helps tremendously. I never knew a heart could continously break. The Serenity Prayer brings so much peace and comfort. My heart goes out to you. Keep the hope!
     
  7. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Thank all of you for listening and your support. A visit with our granddaughterm Evie, fell through. Mother was not truthful, but she did contact us again to see the baby. She is not being truthful about seeing my son....long story they are no longer together. Anyway am treading carefully the mother long before Evie was born messaged me 2 really nasty messages, I never responded, now she is lying. So we will keep treading very carefully in hopes to be part of Evie life without son around until things get better. I don't feel safe at all when he is around. Well my thoughts are with you all....have to say PRAISE GOD my year cancer check was clean!
     
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  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. Every single thing you are doing to protect yourselves and your community is justified, I think.
    I worked in maximum security prisons for many years. And guess how I heard about Kairos? From an inmate whose mother was very active in the organization. He had nothing but good to say about the organization. I urge you to go to the retreat. I know it will be emotional--but it also sounds life-affirming and fun, too.

    Actually, I had always intended to get involved myself, when I was sure I would no longer ever want to return to work in prison. To do both things--work inside, and get involved with families would not be allowed.

    I am glad you posted and I hope you continue to post. I am so sorry for the fear and the sorrow of what you are going through. I am happy you connected with your granddaughter, but feel sorrow at the difficulty of all this that you go through. You sound clear and strong!

    Take care.
     
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Hello,

    I'm thrilled to hear you speak of Kairos. My husband serves and has lead them, as of right now we have 100 dozen cookies in our freezer, lol.

    He will be entering the weekend in Apirl, it is his passion, he says he does it for God but mostly for himself becAuse it feels right. He has seen great things happen. There were prisoners parting for our son...it can be powerful.

    I just wanted you to know that people are praying, working and thinking about your son, people's relatives EVERYDAY. You have been through a lot, you will work on healing. I pray for your joy where you find it and you choose happiness.

    Positive thoughts for you.
    Mof
     
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  10. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    After running/dodging the police for 3 months my son was arrested last night. He was wanted for breaking probation (never contacted po when released on 5 years probation). In addition to the probation violation; the original charges are 2 second degree burglaries, receiving stolen property, property damage. I have to say we have relaxed a tiny bit around here since we were made aware of his arrest last night or rather really early this morning. I know you cannot relocate because of something like this, in time one would be found. Still, I'd so like to move.
    Hubby is going to visit son Friday afternoon, I don't think I am going to go, I say let him sit for a while and think on things. I need distance for a while.

    I cannot wait for the Kairos women's retreat.

    This is comforting to me, I hope someone will get something out of it too: "Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child!"
    Blessings and HUGS to all! Hopeful
    PS there is ALWAYS HOPE!
     
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  11. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Have a great time. Yes, let him sit, and you all breathe. I get the moving thing!