jittery jumbled

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Aug 11, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    That's how I feel, so that is my subject title. Can't think of any 2 better words to describe me right now.
    So thats my title and I am sticking to it.:tongue:

    The nutshell version ~
    My parents were here last week ~
    Matt arrives tomorrow for a 2 day visit & is struggling in his next step of his program ~
    My boss is going to quit, and I am worried our VP does not like me and will fire me, and that I will be in the middle of nowhere without a job ~
    And I have a super big crush on my next door neighbor ~

    Blahhhhh.................:ashamed: (Screams Lucy to Charlie Brown)

    I feel totally disconnected and frazzled. I have lost my center somewhere.

    ~My dads brain cancer is taking an increasing toll on his mind.

    ~I am super nervous about Matt coming. He seems to have lost his center ground or footing - and I can feel him coming unglued at the seams a bit. God help me if he comes unglued here. It seems it has been a super long time since I have been an actual, in the moment, difficult child parent. (A year to be exact.) I am having heart palpitations.

    ~My job is so tenuous. I moved out here for this one career, and truthfully there is nothing else. This one company employees 25% of the population here. Seriously. If this does not work out, I will have to move. And I really like it here!!!!

    ~I have a super crush on the man who shares my wall. Sigh. The man who is commitment phobic - but loves watching the stars with me and taking me on hikes. Super big sigh. I am sure I am setting myself up to fail by even being interested in this guy who "does not want a relationship because we are neighbors".

    Too much. :faint:
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!




    The job will work out.

    The visit with M will be great.

    The neighbor will work himself in or out depending on whatever is meant to be. In the mean time, enjoy the eye candy ;)

    I am truly sorry about your dad. It's good you got to spend some time with him before things really start to deteriorate. I hope you made some good memories of him during this visit to hold onto for the future.

    So until tomorrow comes....



  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    There are probably so many of us that are feeling a bit jittery jumbled these days, for various reasons. You are not alone. ((hugs))
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh you have a lot on you plate.

    You can and will take it all in stride because you are strong.
    Matthew you can handle. It is scary, but he is who he is, you will not allow him to hurt you again and you know this and you are ready.

    I am so sorry about your Dad. It has been a long journey with him. Maybe this is all part of the journey, not that it makes it any easier or makes sense.

    Guy's I don't know they seem to drive us crazy no matter if we are married single dating, any of it.

    I really hope Matthew does well.
    I will be thinking of you guys and hope you enjoy the stars and the water.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dear Lonely little Petunia in an Onion Patch,

    When you watch the stars - you think too much. Watch the stars. Just watch them. Stop thinking. Breath in. Breath out. Repeat....and don't do anything else other than breath for at least 15 minutes when you look at the wonders in the night time sky. You're really missing so much serenity and peace, and there are so many other things to be heard that would calm you. Highly suggest - blanket, lay back, eyes open, mouth closed.....breathe in......breathe out - nothing else. NO thinking....no cyclone of thoughts.....just look. You will find your focus, you will find your center, you will stop feeling jittery jumbled.

    With regards to your Father? I'm so deeply sorry. What you and your Mom are going through with him is not easy. My thoughts are with you.

    Matt sounds like he's really working the program. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. So he's being challenged. That is a good thing not? Would he rather he just had someone hand the next level to him or would he prefer to work for it and feel a sense of accomplishment like a man at the end of the journey? He's doing fine Mom. Maybe for the first time in his life - his challenges are worthy of HIS abilities. Challenge is good. I have no doubts he will succeed. Your negative projection of him falling apart at your home? Unfounded. Stop it. Just knock it off. That is YOU projecting negative behaviors - not him. BE positive! Prepare for the worst EXPECT THE BEST - and enjoy the time you have with him. Make some plans, write them down, take lots of pictures, SMILE A LOT.....enjoy your son.

    The job? The job is a job. You have so many other things in life to really be worried about. Maybe if your boss quits - you'll be PROMOTED. It's not a matter of if your VP likes or doesn't like you = it's about job performance. You've said before you were doing the job of three people right? What could she fire you for that for? If your boss quits - she quits...maybe you'll get a new boss, a nicer boss - a BETTER boss, maybe YOU will be the boss, make more money. Again - I see - negative projecting. It will be - what it will be and NONE of your worrying will change it. So knock off the worrying. ;) Be a Zen warrior - ohmmmmmm ohmmmm. Calm good thoughts......calm good thoughts. Put a sticky note on your mirror in the bathroom that says : STAR SAID - I AM A VERY GOOD PERSON....and another that said " I SAID I AM A GOOD PERSON and another that says I AM A HARD WORKER and another that says I AM LOVED and another that (are you writing this down? go get a sticky note pad....you don't have a sticky note pad? WELL Go get a note pad, marker and tape - sheesh) now write - I AM A GREAT MOM and another that says MY SON LOVES ME and another that says I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER......I AM BEAUTIFUL

    THESE are all words of AFFIRMATION.....you NEED these STEELY - sounds lame - but....I REALLY want you to write these out - and tape them on your mirror or around your MIRROR in the bathroom - EVERY SINGLE time you go to that mirror I want you to read them - or look at them and SEE THEM.....THEY ARE TRUE. If you don't want to write them - send me your address I WILL make them for you (I have sticky notes ;)) and I will send them to you. You should have them where you can see them.


    You may think I'm daft and a silly girl - but I mean it - and things will be okay. I don't think you are a mission....I think you are a lovely person and I think you need to stop and ALLOW yourself five minutes to

    Listen to the stars.......
    Stand in the rain without an umbrella and let it fall on your face
    Walk in the mud without shoes and feel it between your toes
    Smell the cut grass and listen to the wind blow in the leaves

    So the guy next door that takes you hiking and such - the one that doesn't want committment - WHAT IF.....what if HE is the one that is trying to just get you to do all those things above? What if his purpose in your life isn't to be your soul mate or the love of your life - but what if he is there to help you learn how to be MELLOW????? What if he's just there to help you listen to the stars, or stand in the rain or walk in the mud, or smell the grass or listen to the leaves? Maybe (and it's just my guess because I have no earthly idea) that is HIS purpose in your life.

    People come and go in our lives. Some are here for short terms and some longer than others. Some we hardly get to know at all, some we may just meet in line at a grocery store - but I firmly believe that everyone we meet we meet for a reason, or purpose to learn from or to teach something. Sometimes we don't know what the reason or thing is right away and it can be years before we realize what they taught us or what we taught them. So maybe the thing that makes this man next door SO attractive to you is his calm and mellow zen like qualities? Maybe it's NOT the "whole package" that's attractive, but his quiet-coolness that you find just utterly sexy?

    I say this because when I met DF? OMG my life was a tornadic chaotic dirt devil. I literally had NO idea how to be mellow or calm. I had been living for nearly 13 years on 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I had no idea how to rest, listen to stars....be calm. I was jumpy-jittery 20/7 - no joke. DF had a hard time believing that I was not on drugs when we met as he had never met anyone that could literally survive on 3 hours of sleep and go like I did day in day out. His first weekend at my home he got a sitter for Dude, rented a boatload of movies, turned my living room into a dark cave, made a bed out of my living room floor, cooked me dinner, rubbed my head and I slept for three days. I woke up Sunday night and felt like I'd slept for 2 years. It was the beginning of my personal "MELLOW" lessons. From then on I learned how to "let go" of ****...how not to drive with road rage....how to NOT let things get to me and how to not have ulcers and live on Mylanta. At that time also? I was pretty certain that I liked him more than he liked me but he didn't seem too interested in making a committment to a woman who was so um....edgy. lol. Eventually I found myself again after years of being u.....m....edgy from living in hades with the big Satan x....and turns out that I really was a good person after all. And for us it worked out - I'm not saying thats what will happen with you and the guy on the other side of the wall either. LIke I said we have people in our lives for reasons we have no idea why - but....sounds like he's trying to get you to mellow to me. ;)

    I'm just saying - things are going to happen and there is nothing that you can do about them....that's life. But....the things that you CAN do something about are YOU - that's destiny. WRITE THE STICKY NOTES STEELY.....I'll be waiting to hear....what you wrote.....or for a PM that says - I CAN"T WRITE THEM - YOU DO IT STAR - here is my address - I promise I'll put them on my mirror if you send them. ;)

    Hang in there kiddo -
    Much love
    (Oh and fyi - I'm another Star you can listen to _ WHAT a play on words) lol.....hahah I killme......I really do......snort)