Just Feeling A Bit Sad...

[SearchingForRainbows]

I think it has something to do with Mother's Day, being aroud friends with "typical" kids, and total frustration over trying to get difficult child 2 some help.

Mother's Day is just a sad holiday for me. I know I have lots of reasons I should be happy, but I just find the day sad. Having difficult children just takes so much out of me!!!

I'm happy that physically all my children are healthy. I'm happy that easy child is doing so well in spite of living with difficult children. I'm happy that easy child and I have such a good relationship and are so close, and yet I'm so sad too. I want her to have a "normal" home life.

I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't, for wanting difficult children to be grown up, out of my house, and able to take care of themselves. I feel guilty because I don't know if difficult child 2 will ever be able to totally care for himself. I'm afraid difficult child 1 won't take his medication once he is on his own. I could go on and on and on... but I'm going to stop. Basically, I just want my difficult children to be happy, independent, productive adults. Maybe I'm not as detached as I want to think I am... However, I still wish I could spend Mother's Day totally alone, no difficult children in sight!!!

I was glad to see old friends yesterday. I'm happy that they have "typical" kids and are all doing well. It's just hard because sometimes being around friends with "typical" kids just makes me want to wave a magic wand over difficult children and make them "typical" too. I know this is ridiculous - A total fantasy...

I'm going to pull myself together and make today a productive one!!! Thanks for listening... WFEN

 

[Fran]

WFEN,I know most of us have gone through this period. We just are so worn from raising a difficult child that anything a easy child does or their pp makes it all the more obvious how much harder it is to raise a difficult child.
I don't think being aware that there is a thread of frustration and resentment is a bad thing. You just have to accept your anger, sadness and embarrassment then move on.

The one thing we have learned is that pp's and easy child's(even our own) always have an issue or two to deal with. It may not be as evident or as chronic as our particular difficult child but they have something. The grass isn't necessarily greener.

Mother's Day is a struggle for many. I tend to think of it as just a day. I hope to get some acknowledgement from my husband and kids but if they don't treat me well all year, a card on a specific day doesn't really do it for me.

Still it doesn't seem fair that our kids need to struggle so hard to just do what is average and it doesn't seem fair that our work as parents is so much more intense than average. Yet this is so.

Time has a way of softening the edges a bit and allowing more acceptance.
Hope you have a difficult child free day and all of those around you let you recharge and give you some healthy acknowledgement of your hard work.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{WFEN}}}
I can't say it any better than Fran did, so I won't try. Just try to know you aren't alone in this

 

[totoro]

You are not alone in your feelings....

I will stop every once in awhile and just have this overwhelming feeling, I just want my g'sfg to be able to feel "normal" for a little while. To not struggle... It rips me apart for a brief moment. It is so intense. I want it so bad.
But then I realize this is "our" life... mine too. None of us will ever feel that way, and we are special, for that. I realize my g'sfg have gifts that easy child children will never know.

Like Fran said the grass is not always greener... we all struggle.

Big hugs

 

[flutterbee]

{{{{WFEN}}}}} I hear you.

 

[JJJ]

I hate Mother's Day too. Never got all the way over the pain during infertility treatment. Add to that parenting difficult children, well, you understand.

 

[timer lady]

I think Mother's Day can be such a trigger for all of us. As an adoptive parent I have always hated the concept of MD. My children feel so torn between the loyalty to bio mom & myself. Their emotions & behaviors around this holiday is deplorable.

The tweedles are very black & white thinkers.

There isn't a whole lot we can do about our difficult children & their disorders. We cannot "divorce" them & walk away. It becomes a matter of acceptance of limitations.

I hope that you can find something - anything to raise your spirits.

 

[Wiped Out]

Many hugs-wish I had more to offer right now but others have said it so well so I'll just send some hugs your way and let you know you are not alone.

 

[hearts and roses]

Hugs, WFEN. You know you're among others who struggle with similar emotions. Try and find a bright spot in each day, whether it's about difficult child or not. And gentle hugs. I've been feeling blue the past couple of days also, but I don't think it has to do with Mother's day. I just think there's so much change coming upon our family right now and it's overwhelming. I'm trying to remain focused on my personal goals. I hope you feel lighter today.

 

[Sunlight]

it is so sad that mother's day is for us moms. most of us are disappointed in being moms some how. most of us have kids that may never be able to appreciate us fully. still on we go.

I say let's celebrate ourselves! I am going to wake up on my own with out kids. I think I will make a nice bacon and eggs and grits breakfast and sip coffee on the porch after ward. then I am taking a walk outdoors and maybe will nap outside at some point. late afternoon will be a trip to the ice cream store for a hot fudge sundae. I will be good to me. I tried my dangdest to be a good mom and I deserve a day of peace.

 

[flutterbee]

I say let's celebrate ourselves! I am going to wake up on my own with out kids. I think I will make a nice bacon and eggs and grits breakfast and sip coffee on the porch after ward. then I am taking a walk outdoors and maybe will nap outside at some point. late afternoon will be a trip to the ice cream store for a hot fudge sundae. I will be good to me. I tried my dangdest to be a good mom and I deserve a day of peace.

Amen to that!

 

[hearts and roses]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I say let's celebrate ourselves! I am going to wake up on my own with out kids. I think I will make a nice bacon and eggs and grits breakfast and sip coffee on the porch after ward. then I am taking a walk outdoors and maybe will nap outside at some point. late afternoon will be a trip to the ice cream store for a hot fudge sundae. I will be good to me. I tried my dangdest to be a good mom and I deserve a day of peace. </div></div>

Excellent idea!

 

[Suz]

It's not much easier for the PE Moms, WFEN. Just because the kids have grown up doesn't mean the heartache ends.

Still, I hope you are able to have a wonderful day and appreciate YOURSELF!

Happy Mother's Day...in advance.

Suz

 

[rejectedmom]

A bouquet of roses for all us moms of difficult children! -RM

 

[Marguerite]

I understand how you feel about Mothers Day. I used to hate the Mothers Day stall at the school - it was done the week before. We were asked to send in a gift already wrapped in cellophane, valued at about $5. We then had to send our kid to school with $5 to buy a gift for Mothers Day. Not all mothers could afford to get a gift or had time to wrap them, so a band of mothers would buy extra and then work hard to wrap the unwrapped.
The kids were then brought class by class to the school hall (where these 'gifts' were set out) and made to buy a gift. If they had forgotten to bring the money, or even if I said I didn't want difficult child 3 to participate because we had a policy of no material gift on Mothers Day, it didn't matter. I'd get a note saying I owed Mrs So-and-so $5, because Mrs So-and-so would generally turn out to be a kindhearted soul who didn't want any kid to miss out, and who HADN'T been told by the school that I had asked to be left out of the loop. (Imagine sending a vulnerable difficult child to school with money - it would be lucky to make it past the canteen, or the bully).

This was a fundraiser for the P&C (Parents & Citizens, who pay for lots of stuff the school can't/won't pay for). There are many other fundraising ideas which I DID support, I just hated this one because it was always THE MOTHER buying the gift, donating the gift and then BUYING IT BACK. I preferred to give a $10 donation, but they HAD to add the extra humiliation.

And the "gift worth $5"? difficult child 3 had absolutely NO IDEA. I think the most outrageous one was a plastic bag of old, outdated lipstick samples (full-size) in a few really horrible colours, about four tubes of each. No way can I wear them, no way can I throw them out. Other examples are usually equally horrid - a 50c bath bomb (I'd already tried that brand, it stained the bath and had no fragrance); a packet of face washers still with the $2.50 price tag on them; face cream samples, mostly already opened - you get the idea. I suspect they saved the worst ones for the kids who simply didn't know any better, which in my mind is adding exploitation on top of everything else.

My favourite gift was a colourful scribbled card which had "I love Mummy" written on it. He'd made it with his aide, he was pleased with himself when he handed it to me.

difficult child 3 wanted to buy me something for Mothers Day, I said I didn't want a bought gift but what I WOULD like for Mothers Day would be for him to make me a cup of coffee. Since he usually gets coffee too, from the same batch of beans, this will be a treat for us both.

All I've ever wanted from the other kids is to be simply remembered. So often, I'm not. difficult child 1 has been thinking about it, though, because he said that his church is having a special Mothers Day service on Sunday and he really wants me to come along. easy child will always ring me up to wish me Happy Mothers Day. And this year we have BF2, who really should be planning to visit his own mother on Mothers Day, he hasn't seen her for six weeks. I need to talk to easy child 2/difficult child 2 about that this evening, so we can plan. I suspect on Mothers Day I'll be driving them out to visit, so they can also collect BF2's car (now repaired after easy child 2/difficult child 2's crash).

So here's my advice - keep your expectations low, keep your sense of humour at the ready. And plan a Sunday afternoon getaway with another forgotten mother so you can watch a chick flick on DVD and drink sherry all afternoon, wallowing in misery. If you have a great day, cancel the sherry. Or not.

I know my kids appreciate me, because they do sometimes tell me. I just have to remember to not expect it any more on this day, than any other day.

Marg

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

I just want to thank everyone for the support, excellent advice, making me think, and for the laughs too!!! I read and reread your responses prior to MD. Thanks for helping me stay SANE!!!

And, just thought I'de let you know that MD wasn't too bad after all. easy child made me a beautiful floral pillow for my room and also a handmade card expressing how much I mean to her... This in itself made my day!!! difficult child 1 didn't acknowledge the day at all. He was his usual inconsiderate self... difficult child 2 wrote Happy Mother's Day on a piece of computer paper and signed his name... He was upset that he wasn't eating out.

easy child and I went to a garden center for a few hours in the afternoon. We enjoyed each other's company. husband stayed home with difficult children. difficult child 1 played computer games all day and difficult child 2 played with toy monkeys and watched monkey movies. I fed the kids supper, and once they were upstairs for the evening, husband brought me home a late take-out dinner.

The day went much better than I expected. I'm always happy for pleasant surprises... WFEN

 

[nlg319]

I thought I was the only one that wanted to spend Mother's Day alone!