just threw my 16-yr-old difficult child & friends out for smoking weed at my house...

[recovering doormat]

Grrrr. I am ready to put my kid's head through a wall, but fortunately he was able to get a ride at midnight to his dad's house four miles away. He asked if he could have two girls and two guy friends over for a few hours, promised they wouldn't make a mess and would keep the doors open if I would stay upstairs and not breathe down their necks. I agreed, figured they're 16, I'd rather have him and his friends on my turf where I can keep an eye on things rather than downtown (gangs and drugs and bored kids looking for excitement) or at a home with no adults around. The girls needed a ride home and I agreed to take them, and since the boys had been so well behaved I didn't insist they go with me (would have been very crowded with me plus six teens, even in my 7 seat minivan).

Well, I come home twenty mins. later and boys are no where to be found, but music is on, xbox is on, computer is on in my son's room. I go to turn out the light when I see on his bed the remains of a "dutchie" (cheap cigar they hollow out and stuff with marijuana to smoke, easier to handle than a small joint, esp. as it burns down), what looks like a decorative brass box but when opened is some kind of marijuana grinder, with bits of weed stuck to the teeth, and most worrisome, a large aerosol can of something that fixes flat tires, and has a short, soft plastic hose coming from the nozzle. Now I'm wondering if one of them is huffing. I locked the doors and turned out the lights and waited for the kids to come in from the darkened back yard. I confronted my son and told him to get his stuff together, he's not sleeping over and neither are his friends. Called his dad and said he is getting dropped off (oneof the boys drives and had a car with him). At first my son protested that there was no marijuana use, didn't know where the spray can came from. I told him that he better not dare call me to take him to the doctor for his asthma if he's going to smoke cigarettes and marijuana.

I'm so bleeping angry with him right now. He acted stunned that I would actually make him leave my house, but I have told him, I don't want him smoking anything. I want him clean and our tolerance is zero. If he fails another test his PO is sending him away for rehab.

Jeez, they just make you crazy, don't they? It's the head games that kill me. Just yesterday he was asking me if he cooperated with his home instruction tutor and PO if I would consider letting him get his learner's permit when school is over in a few weeks. I said I would speak to his dad and hear what he thinks. Then he goes and does this.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, I can sadly relate! You have to remember, as I did, to never trust a kid on drugs (and to assume he's doing more than just smoking weed). By the way, I would never let this child learn to drive. He's going to drive while he's high. But I think you know that. Anyway...

Hub and I stupidly let daughter stay alone overnight during a time she seemed to be doing better. She was 17 or 18 and she promised to watch the dogs and not have anyone over. We were actually supposed to be gone for two nights, but one of the younger kids got sick so we came home a day early. SURPRISE!!!!

We found about six kids in our living room smoking funny looking stuff and doing who-knows-what-else. We kicked them out too and realized we can never trust daughter again. Later on in our journey, we called the police on our own daughter when we found a stash of drugs in her bedroom after she had sworn at us and run out the door at midnight. It wasn't the only time we turned her in to try to save her (it didn't work, but at least my younger two saw that we realize this is criminal behavior).

I'm sorry you went through this, but, as my now recovered daughter tells me: "NEVER trust a druggie. They lie. It's what they do." Their promises are empty. Well, you learned what I learned. You have to babysit these teenagers like they are two years old and never leave them alone in your house. We never did leave her again. It was kind of sad--if we wanted to go out, we had to hire another teenager who wasn't like our daughter to babysit the two younger kids. We couldn't trust their sister to watch them nor to not bring unsavory kids into the house.

 

[recovering doormat]

Sadly, I have learnee this lesson the hard way too. Last October I locked up my house and went to visit my brother and family in northern Virginia, for my niece's Confirmation. He had asked me to not bring my kids, knowing about their recreational drug use, use of profanity, and just generally not being good influences on his three kids, ages 9 to 16. I went by myself, needing the break.

When I got home it was obvious that there had been a party during my two day absence. Dirty dishes in the sink, bleach stains on my son's bedroom carpet, empty bottles of Zima and wine coolers, and the place smelled like a freshman dorm hallway, stale marijuana and beer. The door was locked, so it wasn't a break-in. My 18 yr old daughter found a key to my house at her dad's (I thought I had confiscated all the house keys, since I didn't trust her or her brother) and the two of them proceeded to invite "friends" over. ONe of the friends was a young man she had met on MySpace who apparently, from the messages on his page, was the go-to guy in the neighborhood for small quantities of weed and whatever else you wanted.

At the time, I was furious with my kids for showing me such disrespect, and deeply relieved that no one got into a car wreck after leaving my house or O.D.'d.

About a month later, Thanksgiving eve, I was arranging my bureau drawers and for some reason decided to open a jewelry case. Something about the way the three cases were arranged in the drawer didn't look right. I opened the first one, expecting to see my wedding pearl choker my ex gave me after the rehearsal dinner, and it was gone. I opened another case looking for a lapis lazuli choker from Chile that he got me during a business trip, and it was gone. Ditto another necklace/earring set, my wedding and engagement rings, sapphire earrings my ex mother in law gave me...I was sick. Called the cops, insurance company, but the only advice they could give me was to check the pawn shops (I never did, I was too devastated).

Kids claimed they didn't know anything about it, and I beleive them. I don't know exactly when the stuff, about $20K worth, actually disappeared. There were no signs of break in, and the items were removed from the cases/boxes, so it was obviously not professional jewel thieves but most likely an acquaintance my kids allowed in the house when I was not home , who traded my keepsakes for a few bags of weed.

It took months for the sadness and depression over this violation of my trust to really hit me. I'm still in the midst of it.

I'm sorry I was so naive. It never occured to me that someone would do this. I should have hidden my valuables. It's a hard lesson but it won't happen to me again.

Fortunately, my daughter is in a better place now, but my son doesn't seem to have learned his lesson yet. Last night was a slap in my face, but I've decided that when he visits me in the future he will not be allowed to have guests over, and I will certainly not pay him cash for yardwork and chores.

Sigh. I will learn the hard way.

 

[maril]

RDM: Well, guess we all continue to learn, no matter our age. Hey, we just want to trust our kids, don't we? Guess that is not an option with our difficult children.

Good for you for taking action! I hope the message sticks with your son and his friends. husband and I went out the other day to pick up his car from the shop, difficult child was home from school, and even though we were only going to be gone for a little while, we sent him and his friend packing; no one was allowed in the house while we were gone (we have good reason for this choice due to past experiences/we weren't always this extreme, lol).

MWM reminded me to "never trust a druggie" and I really do have to be ever-vigilant since my DS used to try all different angles to pull the wool over our eyes; although, his behavior has improved since his discharge from dual program in some ways (for now, anyhow).

RDM: I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were violated by thieves. It is sad that you cannot recover your losses.

 

[recovering doormat]

My son's behavior is still better now than it was before we admitted him into a dual diagnosis diagnostic program (say that three times fast!), but I was lulled into a false sense of security by his good behavior last weekend when I allowed him to have a couple of friends over on both Friday and Saturday nights. I later decided that one night, Friday, was plenty. Let him do it again and he pulls this carp.

I dont' learn quick, but I learn. He called me yesterday to gripe about how I never trust him. Man, I gave him a tongue-lashing and told him he can forget about getting his learner's permit, don't even bring it up. He is welcome to visit me at my house and even stay overnight, but no more friends over, not even one, until we can rebuild the trust.

 

[maril]

Yes, rebuild the trust -- that is key; we are trying, too. Keep hangin' in with your tough love. Good luck.

 

[jbrain]

I remember when my difficult child 1 had been home from her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a couple of months and some money went missing from her sister's room. We knew difficult child was the only one who could have taken it--no one outside our family had access and difficult child was the only one in the family known to steal. Wow, she was so tearful and so hurt that we would suspect her and then not believe her when she said she didn't do it. She told me that I had broken trust with her and it would take a long time to rebuild it. The nerve!!! And she was so convincing that I almost fell for it. The only way we have rebuilt any trust is that she hasn't lived at home for nearly 3 yrs now!
Jane

 

[recovering doormat]

I know, jbrain, they just look you right in the eye and lie like a rug.

Last June, my daughter graduated from high school (therapeutic day school) and she invited a few girls from teh school to a home graduation party that was mostly relatives, including relatives who came some distance just to be with us. How did she show her appreciation for me killing myself to give her a nice party? By allowing one girl to smuggle in a bottle of rum and share it with another girl, both on psychiatric medication, to the point that they were fall down throw up drunk. That ended the party and instead of getting to relax and enjoy the end of the party with my brothers and their wives, etc., I was holding first one, then the other's heads above the toilet, while my mom and sisters in law were doing dishes and another brother hosing down the vomit on my front stairs. My difficult child 1 knew these girls were drinking and did nothing to stop it, instead, she ran into my room and threw herself on the bed, sulking. I had to phone two sets of paretns and have them come and get their daughters. Thank God they didn't think I provided the booze, but it could have ended so much worse (one girl was on five different psychiatric medications, and wasn't even a drinker...) I was beyond furious.

It got worse. Forty-five minutes after the last guest left,glaring at my daughter for abdicating her responsibility, I dropped into bed exhausted. Not long after I smell something odd, like smoke or something burning. First thought was my two oldest kids had decided to make a fire in the firepit with damp branches and someone would be calling the fire dept. any minute. But the downstairs was dark and no one was outside. Myson's first floor bedroom door was locked. I got a credit card and opened it, and teh room was blue with smoke. Older daughter was passed out on a couch next to some teenage boy I'd never met before. difficult child 2 was completely stoned and tried to push me out of his room, telling me all the while that no one was smoking. I called their dad to come and get them, when I went back to son's room, strange boy was gone (never did find out his name but I learned later he belonged to an Albanian youth gang that specialized in drug sales). I was almost in orbit, I was so furious. To bring a stranger into my house to do drugs while I'lm sleeping int he room above? Is that chutzpah or what?

When it was time for difficult child 2 to go to a diagnostic program, my brother told me to mentally picture that night and remember how I felt when I opened the door to my son's room and couldn't see across for the smoke, and that he let a drug dealer into my house. And that my jewelry is missing. And that his druggie friends broke into my house while he was at the diagnostic place and stole his brand new computer -- he ended up getting the computer back but I had to fix my windows myself.

Why is it that we are programmed to leap to comfort them when they are homesick or sad, but forget how they hurt us with their antisocial behavior?

 

[Charmedpea]

Wow.. I dont know what to say.

One of my managers tells me I would rather them smoke pot in the house and know where they are then out on the streets.. are you kidding me.

We went to her wedding I brought my son who is around the same age, there reception was at a bar. i was the photographer my son was there for the food and my helper. She (bride) says to me its open bar if he wants a drink. I was so ****** off.. Dont offer a 17 yr a drink. I told her ummm no he doesnt drink and has a wrestling tournament this weekend. He is a good kid never caused me any greif what so ever, he has never had a curfew either, never needed one.

If only my difficult child daughter followed her older brothers lead.. I can only hope.

 

[Nancy]

I am so glad to read your post and all the responses. For a while there I was beginning tothink I was the only parent who refused to allow such behavior and not confront it. I would have done the exact same thing as you did.

I just discovered our 18 yo difficult child is dealign drugs. For weeks now she has been coming home with money that she didn't earn working. I would ask her where she got the money and she would tell me friends owed her money. Of course I didn;t believe that. Yesterday she had $65 in her wallet and she has no money to her name. I asked againand agains he said people owed her money. I confronted her and told her I thought she was selling drugs. Of course she denied it. But I don;t even believe anythign that comes out of her mouth so I went snooping.

From looking at her cell phone records I tracked three guys she talked to the day before that she never does. They all do drugs, one has drug parties at his house all the time. She never talks to anyone on her cell other than her boyfriend because all her friends dumped her over her drug use. So putting two and two gtogether with her talkign to them, coming home high, and having $65 in her purse, I now know she is dealing.

When I get actual proof I will turn them all in.

Nancy

 

[compassion]

Good for you!!!
I am getting much help from Families Anonamous (online) .
I love their saying : Watch the hips, not the lips.
I also set boundaries in my own home One of them is no smoking weed,drinking, or smoking cigs. She smoles outsdie. I willnot buy cigs for her. Currently difficult child (16) is staying in teen flophouse. I learned that many parents share the phiolasophy of let them use in theri home but not me!!!
It is theri walk, not ehri talk. Sadly, my daughter rally does not want recovery at this time so we have to majorlly enforce boudnaries and protect ourselves.
She has not stolen checks or credit cards in a few weeks. She has raged to get more money but we are adhering tothe limits of $15 a day, giving her food, and having her take her medications.
It will be a long , long time before I can trust her. It will have to be by her actions. i so want to beleive her words. I am greivng the girl I ahd rasied her to be, not the one she is choosing to be. It is sad,sad, sad, but I am not being a victim today.
She is so impulsice she really needs almost a lock down facility. We are trying to put inplace intiensive community services to keepher in the community.
When I see her, I have limited money and keep it on me at all times. I lock mykey to my waist. If she uses violence to intimidate me like she did on Wed.:she would tear my grashipft out of muy car, I said id she did I would call the cops and I meant it.
A few others I love:
No is a complete serntecne.
Mean what I say, say what I mean, do not say it mean.
Compassion

 

[standswithcourage]

How do you know what she spends the $15.00 on? Just wondering.

 

[recovering doormat]

Nancy,

I haven't been on the site for a few months but I decided to check in tonight. so sorry for your grief with your daughter. I think you are wise to turn them all in, maybe a good shock will help her think about what she is doing. at least you are sending the message that you have boundaries. That has always been my issue.

My son sjpent six weeks in a residential facility undergoing diagnosis this past winter. He was clean and sober when he got out. Now, six months later, he is back to his old tricks: smoking weed (not as much as before, because he is drug tested monthly by his P.O. and she had threatened him with 45 days inpatient rehab if he kept failing tests. He passed his last one but I found out the same day that he had used a "flush kit" (get them in drug stores and places where they sell drug paraphernalia, then for extra insurance went to the natural foods juice bar and drank two shots of wheatgrass with an orange juice chaser. He thinks all he has to do is wait out the clock for his probation to run out. I spoke to his new officer, who hasn't yet met him nor had a chance to see his file. told her about the fiddling with his urine and that he missed a whole week of summer school because he didn't feel like going. He is argumentative with me, his dad, siblings, and doesn't seem to have any friends other than his girlfriend, who is very nice (doesn't do alcohol or drugs or smoke, good student, nice family) and a couple of male friends who seem to provide the weed (we don't give him money and he doesn't have a job). We've been nagging himt o get a part time job but he just won't put the effort into it, wants everything to fall into his lap. Some of it is social anxiety , but a lot of it is laziness and, more worrisome, the lethargy that even moderate pot smokers exhibit. He's a bright boy who in one breath talks about going to a good university and becoming a marine biologist, and then won't get out of bed to go to tutoring or summer school. He's been out of the regular high school classroom experience since last November, when he just gave up and refused to go to school (he was smoking up to three times a day back then). His dad has physical custody of him because he has a history of ignoring my rules and occasionally vandalizing my home. Dad is never home, always working, even Sat and Sunday am, so if son doesn't feel like being grounded, there is no one to stop him.

Only relief is that he doesn't drive and at this rate, won't get his license until he's 18 and can sign for himself.

I'm dreading the start of this school year. The district really has no choice except to place him at a Special Education high school that he hates and that cannot academically compete with even a public high school; however, he can't go back to his public hs, he'll just disappear into the cracks, start cutting classes with the losers and smoking weed. thought about boarding school but he won't go willingly, and there's no money right now to pay for it. District offered to send him to a better quality Special Education hs but it was 45 min ride each way and he refused to get on the bus; his dad offered to drive the 90 mins. round trip in the a.m. and he still refused.

I'm just so tired of putting myself out to help this boy when he is so determined not to cooperae. His SA counselor last week told me she had never encountered a client so resistant as my son; yet she likes him and wants to help. Suggested wilderness program followed by family therapy. Wilderness costs $15,000 and dad won't pay, I'd have to take it out of my IRA, so in effect it costs me $20K with-tax and penalties. Family therapy has been suggested for years but in the past our son has disrupted meetings and refused to cooperate.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. He probably needs a good year or so in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but we can't afford it, and he's not with DCF, so they won't place him. Best we can hope for a juvenile court sending him to rehab. I'm so tired of all this. I have a good shrink and have been feeling a bit better since we tweaked my lexapro, but it's not a happy pill and sometimes I just feel so pessimistic about the future. It's hard not to get sucked into my kid's drama but it exhausts me, and I have to conserve my energy for my vulnerable 13 yr old, who is borderline involved with risky behavior, and to look for a job in the fall.

I feel so torn about my son. I love him and want him to be well, but he just stinks the life out of me, and all my worrying and heartache has not made any difference in his behavior. I'm wondering if Al Anon or Nar Anon might be a good idea so I don't continue to enable.

 

[standswithcourage]

Alanon is an excellent idea. I can speak from experience about that because I have been going for 5 years and I love everyone in their like my own family. They give everyone the support they need and the readings are wonderful. Every fear you have or every doubt can be dealt with by going to alanon. I found a wonderful parents group in my city and look forward to going every Monday night because there we can vent and cry and tell our story because no one will judge you and they ALL understand. We help each other. There are those that still come and their children are now sober and then we have new comers and people like me that it seems my situation does not change - but I do. That is the key. You need to change and you can. check it out.

 

[compassion]

SWC,
I cannot know for sure what she spends the 15 dollars on. It is working in that she is medication adherent and connecting with us more. (She is 16.) I know she buys cigs, food, pays kids for gas, candy stuff like that.
Earlier this summer, she was had forged $3000 from my checking account. We got her a check card. I said, if you have this will you stop stealing, Yes: well, in two weeks, she was overdrawing , again about $500 worth. So, I closed the account. She does not have impulse control and I cannot keep her at home at this point so that is what we are doing so she has $ for food. School starts in 3 weeks (outpatient diversion program) so that will provide more structure.
I cannot control if she does what she threatens to do steal stuff, pawn it/deal drugs. That will be her choice. What we can control is working with her on stability via medications as first step, remind her daily to make safe choices, and that school starts in 3 weeks.
We are celebrating 5 days without rages/threats/intimidation.

 

[standswithcourage]

That is something to celebrate!!! Good for you.

 

[Nancy]

recovering doormat,

I cried when I read your response, that is me. Everything you said is exactly what I am going through and how I have felt.

"I feel so torn about my son. I love him and want him to be well, but he just stinks the life out of me, and all my worrying and heartache has not made any difference in his behavior."

You put into words how I am feeling. Right now I am so down and convinced that it will never be any better. This morning she threatened to kill me. It was a cold, unemotional threat. And I believe she someday may do that. husband and I have got to get her out of the house. Sad that society is going to have to deal with her but nothing we have done, not any of the thousands of dollars we spent, has made any difference.

Hugs and thank you for sharing your story.

Nancy

 

[recovering doormat]

Nancy, I'm so sorry. I have a friend in town whose daughter was adopted at birth, diagnosis'd with bipolar disorder in her early teens, and since then has displayed anti-social and reckless behavior included heavy drug use on top of her psychiatric drugs. The parents have sent her to two different wilderness programs in Utah trying to straighten her out, but she came back the same way. They tried a therapeutic day high school because she has abandonement issues from being adopted and didn't want to be "sent away" again, she did more drugs at school (my daughter was right there with her, snorting coke behind the school). She got arrested for breaking into unoccupied houses. The family has spent a fortune trying to help her, and that's just money. I recall meeting the mom outside the high school one afternoon adn she was near tears, saying that today was the first time she had the feeling that maybe it was never going to get any better.

I still have hope, but my kids' issues are not the same as her daughter's, nor yours. Perhaps both of us would be helped by looking into something like Al Anon to give us strength to let go and not be sucked into any more drama. All I know is that I have been a stay at home mom for 19 years, completely focused on my kids to the detriment of my marriage and sense of self, and my kids are more effed up than anybody I know, certainly more than anyone in my family. The way I've been operating has not helped. It is time to change tactics.

Yesterday difficult child 2 met with his new PO, a drill-sergeant type, adn she read him the riot act for not attending school or substance abuse counseling. Told him if he missed one day of school or one meeting, she'd violate him and give him nine more months of probation (his probation ends Sept. 2). Well, he went to school today. He seems to have trouble seeing his role in things (his dad is the same way when it comes to family issues): everything is everyone else's problem. His probation? Totally my fault for having him arrested for vandalizing my home and breaking my tv.

He put two more holes in my walls this past weekend because he was angry with his younger sister for sleeping in "his" bedroom at my home while her floors were being refinished. Found a half-drunk cup of Coke under her bed (yuck, she's a slob) and was so incensed he dropped her Nikon camera that I bought her for her birthday last year into the soda. I found it and salvaged it just in time.

and he wonders why I don't want him living with me.

 

[compassion]

RD, My daughter was also adopteda s an infant, was diagnosis bipolar last year and chooses reckless/antisocial behavior.
I have also been a stay at home mom/homoeschoolmom these past 19 years. My son (nearly 19) is doing great. He is aalso adopted as a newborn. It is not our faault. I have found Families Anonomous very helpful, in additon to Al-Anon plus private counseling with experinced counelors.
We are stopping spending our life savinngs and protecting ourselves from her stealing our cars/money. It is six days now. Yes!!!! (No rages, intimidation/threats) She is not living here presently which is mixed: peaceful but uneasy.\
Peace and blessisngs to all of you, Compassion

 

[Nancy]

RD and Compassion I can't believe we are all living the same life.

My difficult child is also adopted at birth, chooses reckless and antisocial behavior, has a mood disorder but I'm really thinking it's now bipolar, and has hated and resented us for 18 years because she is adopted. I was a stay at home mom all her life trying to find any help I could. We spent our entire savings on doctors and programs to no avail.

And yes it is all my fault, whatever happens to her is my fault. It was my fault that she used drugs and was unruly and had to go to detention. It is my fault that she hates living here because I am so mean and we won't let her abuse us anymore. Today she wrote me a letter and told me she hates living here so much but has no place else to go and I'm just jealous that she and her boyfriend have sex and love each other!!! I told her that husband and I love each other more than she is capable of every loving anyone. In all honesty I wish she and her boyfriend would run off and get married. I can't wait until he finds out what she is really like.

I found a Families Anonymous meeting right in my own backyard practically and I'm going to my first meeting Friday. I'm tired of being angry all the time and living my life afraid to leave my home for what she will do. She has put holes in the walls, broken doors, ruined carpeting, trashed her room, bathroom and the basement and the house is only ten years old. She completely trashed her car in six months and it is permanently gone from here now. She has lost every friend she ever had, has embarrassed herself and us on so many occasions, and has been fired from three jobs.

I don't know what goes wrong in someone's brain to hate so much and make everyone's life so miserable when they have been given everything in life they need or want. I truly believe there are women who should never have children. My difficult child is one of them. If she has children it will continue the cycle and more lives will be ruined.

Nancy