Kanga, Kanga, Kanga

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Aug 14, 2009.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga told her therapist that she is bisexual and is scared to tell me. Then Kanga tells me anyway. therapist seemed shocked that I didn't care (Kanga must have done a hard sell that I would be upset because normally therapist is better at catching this manipulation.) Then it was that she was "dating" one of the other girls at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Again, I didn't react. Last night, it was that she is having sex with a different girl at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I was very calm and told her that at 15, she needed to make her own choices and I would hope that she would learn to have more respect for herself than to have sex with someone in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) washroom. I kept my response totally calm.

    IMNSHO, Kanga is getting ready to blow
    (1) she is trying to drive a wedge between me and therapist (who I believe is gay, which would explain why Kanga thinks telling her I don't like gays (which is a lie) would drive a wedge)
    (2) she is trying to push me into yelling at her so that she can blow up and make it my fault

    It is so much easier to detach when she is not living here.

    She's also reported that the voices are telling her to hurt staff and the other girls. (I guess since we aren't there often enough to hurt?!?!?!?). Most staff are cutting her some slack since she has always been the "good girl" at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but the few who see how totally delusional and manipulative she is are waiting for the blow up as they know it will help more staff "get " her and allow them to better address her delusional state.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sounds like a classic narcissitic/histrionic ploy to me. I'm surprised therapist hasn't caught on yet. Have you had a chance to wise him up yet? Or do you only see him in her presence?

  3. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Triple J, I've heard some of the same things from kt & had to step back; I've also seen some of the staff at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) finally see kt for who/what her illness & manipulations are all about.

    Saying that, your Kanga is playing a dangerous game - triangulation should be the first thing on therapist's radar. I'm so glad that she is safe at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) & your family can be a family.

    Better than that, you sound a great deal more relaxed - you're right it is easier to detach when a child is outside of the house.

  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I like your style. A lot of times with Dude's behaviors and outrageous accusations I've found myself taking a major defensive position about MY personal beliefs. As I got older, and wiser to "the game" it was pointed out to me by the family therapist that I should stop it. Stop defending MY position. If I did or didn't like gays - my business. If I did or didn't like Christians - my business. If I did or didn't like anything - my business and I didn't have to explain myself to a child or anyone else for that matter.

    My sons first counselor was also gay. He was the neatest guy and we loved him dearly. He was struck by lighting and killed while jogging and it was a terrible blow to us all. For a while some of his mannerisms were mimicked by Dude and when it came up in counseling "IT" became the issue, not Dude's behaviors - but rather Dudes opinions of my likes or dislikes of how he was mimicking his counselors behaviors. I didn't know how to react and at that time found myself defending my position on everything. Then I said to Dude - "Well the issue here isn't if you are gay or not - and being gay isn't a behavior issue. Being gay is something you are born as, not a learned behavior. If you were born gay - you're gay, but I know loads of gay people who know how to behave nicely."

    So if Kangas counselor is openly gay she did the right thing. She doesn't have to defend herself. And if it becomes another issue in the therapists office with Kanga again please feel free to use my statement.

    I really think you did an EXCELLENT EXCELLENT job - you left her with nothing to complain about - she's gay - big deal - does she want a sticker? Good job Mom.
  5. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I'm impressed! It is a great feeling when we don't give them the reaction they are looking for. Sometimes I wish I could video it, so when they are older and wiser we can show them the impressions when they failed to make that major impact they were so hoping for! You did a great job!
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    JJJ, first of all, GOOD JOB. Cool as a cucumber.

    Second, I agree, "triangulation should be the first thing on therapist's radar."
    Tsk, tsk, tsk.

    I've got my fingers crossed for you.
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The therapist does not share her personal life with the girls so Kanga wouldn't have a clue if she was gay or not, but I can see some of the older girls seeing the signs and talking about it to Kanga.

    I'll never know if she's actually gay because I don't care enough to ask :tongue:

    Kanga's not allowed to call home on weekends so I'm going to enjoy my Kanga-free days and follow up with therapist on Monday. So looking forward to family therapy next week. :faint:
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Good for you for staying so cool. You DO sound so much more relaxed. It still is exhausting that it just never ends, though, isn't it?

    Enjoy your weekend.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    therapist just called. They are assessing Kanga (again) for possible admit to the psychiatric hospital. Apparently she is tired of one particular staff person telling her what to do. She is now saying the voices are telling her to kill this staff person and saying if they don't let her go to the psychiatric hospital that she will hurt herself or this staff person. Oy, the drama!
  10. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Oh JJJ... you handled the whole thing so well. I think it's really the only way to handle this kind of stuff. Sure does get exhausting though, staying 2 steps ahead of them sometimes. ;)

    I do hope Residential Treatment Center (RTC) though is taking this seriously in terms of eyes-on supervision. I know how things are in RTCs and yes, stuff does happen, but I do firmly believe that when staff becomes aware of potential participants in the behaviors they really do need to get more vigilant in terms of supervision - prefence has nothing to do with- it, it's the fact that that is inappropriate behavior for a 15 y/o with anyone, you know? (To say nothing of difficult children that can/will use that behavior to deflect and side-track treatment in the first place.)

    Sorry you're looking at another possible admit. Yes, drama, manipulation, and getting what they want, one way or the other. And having a parent schlep up there late on a Fri. to sign the papers.... sigh. Hope Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can deescalate her.

    Hang in there and I hope you get to enjoy the beeeeautiful weekend! :)
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Thanks all for the support!

    They did transport Kanga to the ER and the same company that owns her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has a psychiatric hospital acute unit and she will be transferred there when all the financial hoops are jumped through (love medicaid). The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) put her on a "no roommate" warning for the psychiatric hospital.

    They are sending us all the paperwork on Monday so we don't have to drive up there. We're not visiting her this weekend. On Monday, we'll figure out with Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and psychiatric hospital tdocs what the plan should be.

    I'm doing well, very detached, there is nothing we can do. As I told her, she is at the age where we can put the supports around her (Residential Treatment Center (RTC), psychiatric hospital, medications, TDS) but she has to choose to use them to get better.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You've hit it right on the nose. Too much attention was being paid to other girls so she upped the stakes to get them to pay more attention to her. She also doesn't like that her therapist is starting to see through her. It will be interesting to see if the psychiatric hospital adds or changes any diagnosis -- last go-round they were looking at schitzo-affective/schitzophrenia/personality disorder but because of her young age (13 at the time), they stuck with bipolar; two years later...we'll see.
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The best reaction is no reaction!

    Hopefully she will get that it is in her hands.

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    J3 -

    I'm sorry for Kanga. But I find it interesting that when Kanga didn't get her way with you she immediately "targeted" a staff member and brought up the kill scenario again.

    After so many years of what you've been through with her (and loving her) I'm so thankful that your family is safe - and so is our Kanga. Silent prayers from this Auntie continue to be answered for the J3 home.

  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    husband brought that up too. That she can no longer blame us as the problem when she has now expressed homicidal ideology towards staff. She did claim that the staff person acted "just like my mom". I think we gained more credibility in the professionals eyes (although that really hasn't been a problem in over a year) but I think Kanga is too wedded to blaming us and isn't likely to give it up no matter how much reality interferes.

    It will be interesting to hear the reports from the psychiatric hospital. This is a co-ed unit and Kanga is hyper-sexual right now. She is on two restrictions "no-roommate" & "close watch", but I know how sneaky she can be.
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    I fire tdocs who won't talk to me outside her presence. With her skills at triangulation, she cannot have a therapist who refuses to get the other point of view.

    therapist is the one that pulled the plug on her return home -- which husband pointed out would have been this Monday (yikes).

    I think her therapist gets her, mostly. It is hard to believe that this sweet, beautiful girl is a manipulative, psychotic sociopath. It took years before I learned that the sweetness covered a much darker side.

    Having the ability to go home after your shift is done gives Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff more patience to give the child greater benefit of the doubt. We didn't have that luxury when she lived at home.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I really think you did such a good job.
    We are so new to all of this and watching so closely as to how K's is growing with her Hallucinations.
    No manipulations as of yet... but our kids can obviously learn to use them to get the attention they need or want.

    I agree with you about the therapist, letting you talk alone. SO important.
    hang in there on Monday.
  18. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    You are handling this so well. Your comment to Kanga about self-respect was right on target -- and not at all what she was expecting, I'm sure. The bisexual thing was intended to provoke, and you didn't let it. Way To Go.

    I hope she continues to get the help she needs, and you continue to get a respite from her behavior. It's exhausting.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Continuing kudos for a good job.

    I'm glad you are all safe, and especially, that the staff noted that Kanga should not have a roommate.

    Fingers crossed.
  20. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sigh. :dont_know:what else to say.... you are doing all you can, all the right things. (((Hugs)))