Kinda long but need some advice...thanks in advance

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by judi, May 31, 2010.

  1. judi

    judi Active Member

    We have no clue where difficult child is and have had no contact with him for two years now. We do know he is paying child support but truly have no idea where he is.

    Anyway - that's old news.

    For those grandparents who have chosen or been chosen to have custody of a bio-grandchild, what type of legal paperwork do you have?

    Our grandson is now 3.5 years old and is in a very dangerous situation - living with Mom, two sisters and new boyfriend who has hit our grandson in the face!!!!

    The other grandparents are livid as are we. We are trying to decide how we want to approach this. I would love to have grandson and would rearrange my schedule to make this happen. However, Mom's parents and us (we are baby's Dad's parents) want something legal.

    Mom has three children by three different guys - middle child is our grandchild.

    So....wise ladies of the board, what has worked for you?
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Judi,

    I don't have any been there done that experience (knock on wood!) but I'm wondering if you have any idea what kind of resistance you would get from biomom, if any? Have you researched Grandparent's Rights in your state? Have you talked to an attorney yet? Do the other grandparents want to share custody or would they be willing to let you have sole custody?

    I hope you don't have to go through the DSS route by reporting the abuse because there's no guarantee that he'd be placed with you. What a terrible situation. I'm so sorry.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You really need to look up the grandparent rights angle. Here in NC there are none. I walk on eggshells with Keyana's mom because of that.

    However, if I found out her stepdad had beat her, I know I would have her maternal grandma's assistance and we would take Keyana away from them and basically dare them to say anything. Now it wouldnt be legal but whatever.

    I think you need to do what DDD did and get the mom to sign over the "temporary custody" to one of you. Either her mom or you...makes no difference. Then you and her mom can work out the living conditions. Just get that baby out of there. Even if you have to agree to letting her keep the child support your son sends her. It may be what you have to do to get the baby.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Grandparents have no inherent rights to their grandchildren. As Janet said, your best bet is to have mom grant you or other gps temporary guardianship or temp custody. Since difficult child is paying child support, he will need to be served for court as well.
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks everyone. husband and I had grandson for the long weekend and we can get him anytime we want. He is safe for now.

    To complicate matters, my husband lives 165 miles away and we see each other on the weekends. We've been doing this for over 2 years and are okay with this arrangement but have no other options. However, we will adjust and do whatever needs to be done to keep grandson safe.

    In IL, grandparents have no rights. However, grandson's Mom won't give us too much of a hassle I don't think.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, if mom will agree then she can turn over custody to you without much of a problem. She can simply sign a form you can get online for transferring custody from one party to another and get it signed and notarized and all is well.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wiz has lived with my parents since just before his 14th birthday. We did not draw up a legal custody arrangement. I was willing to, but never ended up being needed. I was a mess then, simply could not handle the fear and PTSD even being in the same house with him brought out of me. I was loathe to send him to my parents because I thought he needed Residential Treatment Center (RTC). We stood to lose our other kids if Wiz stayed in our home because he had a history of reported abuse of Jessie and he was attacking me regularly.

    My parents asked that we not second guess parenting decisions, that we let them deal with the daily stuff. We consulted on the bigger issues, but husband and I let them have the final say in them because they had to live with him.

    I let them have him. I felt bad about it part of the time. Esp when the other kids wondered if they acted out if I would send them away too. That one hurt, but it is what it looked like to them. We have worked through it.

    I don't know if that situation would work with you or not. It did for us because we knew that Wiz would never accept any of the house rules that husband and I live by. If we had a hand in it, he refused to follow a direction or rule.

    I did give them a letter saying that they were authorized to do school stuff, medical stuff, sign any/all permissions, etc... A copy was with them, with the doctor's office, with the psychiatrist's office, with the school, and wallet size copies were in their wallets with the insurance card. Each copy was signed and notarized, per doctor and school request.

    The ONLY times we had to mess with anything were when he got a state ID so he could fly (over 14 must have own ID to fly), again so he could get his permit and take the driving tests, and for a passport for a trip that fell through.

    After the initial school and doctor stuff, no one even commented on the Grands signing stuff.
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    In Illinois, they will need to file it with the court as well. Often this does not require a court appearance if both parties are in agreement but it needs a judge to sign off on it. A quick stop at your county self-help center or a cheap consult with an attorney would take care of it.
  9. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks for the info. We do plan to contact a lawyer.

    Its not an easy decision but in the end, our grandson's safety has to take precedence.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    If this man smacked a child in the face? WHY isn't DSS and the police involved? He needs to be under the jail for laying hands on an innocent. SHE needs to have her children taken away from her and go into therapy so she quits picking looser boyfriends and learn how to stand on her own two feet, keep her legs shut, and make a living for herself and the family she's created.

    As far as asking her for custody? Nah. She's not going to give up the child support money - which I would guess is what keeps the looser boyfriends around - (free ride on your son's, and 2 other son's backs).

    I am happy to hear the other Grandparents are on board with this, but I would be VERY careful about tipping my hand to them. After all she is THEIR daughter, and then again there is that little bit of child support money, plus other State benefits from taking in someone elses' child.

    I think without telling anyone I'd get an attorney. I can see her using the boy as a pawn between you and her parents if there was such a thing as shared custody - but thinking - If you could work out a deal where you keep YOUR grandson and the other grandparents keep the other 2 - she goes in for counseling and upon completion of whatever terms you and her parents state - she could apply to get her kids back (I would give a deadline also) as a motivator.

    Just thinking out loud. I'm sorry for the little one. I'll add him to the "needs angels" list.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    As you may remember, husband and I had a similar situation (with-o violence involved). This is what we did. Ant's Mom followed this route too, by the way.The key in both cases was the motivation of the bioMom is the most important factor. Both Moms were too busy to parent. Both Moms would have fought and fought custody. Both Momsneeded to save face. Both Moms were eager to have the money and perks of parenting.So.....what worked was a Durable Power of Attorney. That allowed the grandparent to makeall decisions (medical, school, sports participation etc.). The children lived with us but the Momhad liberal rights. The Mom was able to tell friends "with my busy work schedule I just didn't feel I could make sure X had the structure he needed so I'm allowing my Mom to pick up the slack". There was a huge effort to make sure that the bioMom had saved face, kept the $$'s, and was able to feel superior for allowing the unorthodox arrangement.Even though the "grandparent" is in actuality "the parent" it is important to be prepared for coparenting when the bioMom wants to show off the child, "play Mom on special occasions"etc. The parent can legally take the child at will but if your bioMom is like our bioMoms shewill be relieved to be free of daily parenting...and having the bucks in hand, too_Our grandsons are now 23 and 19. They both love their Mom. The 19 year old, sadly, chose to go live with his Mom during his senior year of high school. The 23 year old still lives with us due to his Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) etc. but visits his Mom usually once a week. Antsmom kept her grandson for a number of years and once her son Ant got out of prison and proved himself capable of being a parent, he took over. The family all gets along well. in my humble opinion the most important aspect is that the child feel safe and secure as well as loved by everyone. Good luck. DDD
  12. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks to everyone