Last chance plan begins

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hope2hope, May 19, 2018.

  1. hope2hope

    hope2hope New Member

    My husband and I decided to try one last time to get my son some help. I found an excellent psychologist who is covered in our medical plan. He specializes in the problems that my son has exhibited. We had a session with him and explained the last 2 years of downslide. We told the doctor that this was the last chance or our son would be told to move out.

    My son (soon to be 21) purposely avoids us. I was able to make an appointment for him for early next week. I literally could not get my son to stay home long enough for the three of us to talk. Finally, we resorted to typing up a letter laying out the two choices he has: 1) go to appointment with doctor or 2) move out.

    Told son by text that letter waiting for him on his bed. He came home for about 20 minutes between work shifts and disappeared after a quick shower. The letter was gone from his room when he left.

    Sadly, we fully expect him to reject this last chance. He is in full denial that his life is a mess. I am bracing myself for the inevitable eviction day....I hope we won't need to involve the police. I don't feel like this is "tough love" ....just complete love. I can no longer support or be a witness to his spiraling life choices.
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  2. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Stay strong. Often when they realize you mean business they bite back even harder. You deserve peace in your home. His choice will be his choice. Hugs!
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  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    You are doing the right think. Nothing changes if noting changes.
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  4. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I am right here with you. Our son (21) refused to see a therapist. Says there isn't a pill to make him like people. I think he means to like us, we are too straight laced. He has people he hangs around with, maybe he likes them. We also told him things had to change or he would have to move out. When he was told that he started screaming, swearing, packed a duffel bag and left.
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hang in there. I have been where you are.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    We can't let our out of control young adults control our lives. They cannot even control their own.

    Love says no.

    I had to learn this the hard way. You can see by my signature we have been through a lot and sent our son AWAY a few years ago. He bopped and swerved but now seems to have found stability in a long term faith based program. We have seen amazing changes in him. He has been sober for ten months. He was able to stay sober three months prior to this but never accomplished anything and then would go down the tubes again.

    Keep posting. It does help.
  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    You are doing the RIGHT thing. Hang in there!
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    H2H, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. I reread a bit of your posts from February and see that you have given your son an opportunity to get on his feet and abide by your rules, to which he is not.
    He probably doesn’t feel he has a problem to begin with. That’s how my two were.
    The good thing for your son is that he is working, so he should be able to find a place. Paying more rent and bills will definitely affect his pot funds. He is telling you by his actions that he will live life his way, and you are giving him his wings to fly on his own and be responsible for his choices.
    I don’t look at this as kicking him out, your house, your rules. He won’t abide by them. Our homes are not some cheap motel where our adult kids just come and go as they please, without conversation, lacking a “family” environment. That’s a young adult feeling entitled to do whatever they please without regard and respect for parents. In this day and age, many families double up, but I believe that it needs to be a respectful, reciprocal arrangement.
    It was the same for us, and my two. Your sons avoidance of you is classic. My two were the same. It is a silent declaration, that they will do as they please. They don’t want to listen to what we have to say. Like we are “nagging” at them. Rules are rules, my two did not want to hear them, or abide by them, so they were conveniently not available. That’s passive aggressive. For us, it went from that, to darn right moodiness, refusal to help around the house, constant partying, lying and eventually stealing from us. We were like deer in the headlights, gave chance after chance. It was a nightmare.
    You are doing the right thing. Have you looked into your States eviction laws? In some areas, even though these are our adult children, there is a process to go through. I am sorry it has come to this, but I agree with your thought that this is complete love, not only for your son, but for you, your husband and your home. At 21, he is legally an adult, though maybe not emotionally one. Some people mature faster than others. I feel that drug use impedes growth, my two seem to be stuck at 15.
    They know everything.
    How the heck is anyone going to tell a 21 year old who’s bent on living their lives their way, what to do?
    Some adult kids respond to leaving the nest and change, many will tell you their kids got better on their own, having to be more responsible and learning from the consequences of their choices. I hope this is the case for your son.
    Unfortunately, it wasn’t for my two. They stumbled and floundered and our home had this “revolving” door, they would come back, more of the same old same old, we would push them out. That cycled on for a few years before I realized that they were looking for a roof and three squares so they could continue as is.
    Rinse, repeat.
    With this in mind, it is really, really important that you take time to focus on you, on rebuilding yourself. Looking back, I didn’t realize the toll all of this took on me. It is a hard road to travel when our kids go off the rails.
    My focus was so intent on finding solutions for my two, I had whittled self care down to almost nil. I was numb to what the stress was doing to me. It wasn’t evident to me at the time, but I think it is almost a given when parents are faced with this. Build your toolbox in the way of seeking counseling for yourself, reading and attending Al Anon, if needed.
    I am hoping that liberating your son from your household will help him learn from the consequences of his choices.
    In the meantime, switch focus to what you can control. That is your reaction to your sons choices and your spiritual, emotional and all around well being.
    Self care is what we wish for our adult children, modeling that is important for our own health and is an example for our beloveds.
    I am sorry for the heartache you are enduring.
    You are not alone.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    You matter, the sanctity of your home, matters.
    Take care.
  9. hope2hope

    hope2hope New Member

    Well my son surprised both of us and went to see psychologist....he was 20 minutes late but he went. Even more shocking, he scheduled another session for next week. It is a very small step and the tiniest glimmer that things may change for the better or at least we will get answers.

    On a previous post, I said I didn't know what we are dealing with- drugs or mental illness. Sadly, I am more and more convinced he has a SERIOUS mental illness. The situation will get worse before it gets better.

    Growing up with an elder sister who had extreme schizophrenia I have no illusions on what this entails . I just pray it is not THAT bad....but his behavior indicates it is something serious and lasting.
  10. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    GREAT news that he went. That is excellent. Keep us posted!