Letter from difficult child from sober house

[Nancy]

I got a letter from difficult child today. The first thing I noticed was that it was addressed to "Mom" and then our address. The next thing I noticed was that her return address said "J (heart symbol) you."

She thanked me for the cookies I sent and said all the other ladies enjoyed them too. She said I was the best mom ever. She said she has 73 days until she goes 3/4 which means she gets her own room and can get a job. She gets to call us today or tomorrow since she will be off her two week restriction and she said she can't wait. We get to pick her up at 12 on Sunday and visit until 5. We live about 30 minutes away so she can come home for the afternoon and I told her I would make her her favorite chicken dinner. She said she is doing great.

Of course I know it's only been two weeks but she has never been so excited about seeing us in her life. Even when she was in residential for 60 days she never called or said she missed us. I think it all has to do with the fact that there are no guys in this house and she is fianally able to concentrate on herself.

I'll find out more about what she is really thinking when she comes home for her visit but I like what I am seeing so far.

Nancy

 

[Star*]

When people show you that they're trying sincerely? Believe them also. -Star

Sounds like a good start. Thanks for the update.

Angels ,Angels, Angels

 

[Nancy]

I want so much to believe her star.

Nancy

 

[dashcat]

Nancy,
I'm crying. And Star is right. Believe her. Sometimes were' afraid to believe when we think there's a chance we might be dissapointed, but the reality is that we'd be disasapointed whether we believed or whether we doubted. Believe her and tell her so. She will gain strength from your affirmations.
Dash

 

[DDD]

I'm hopeful for you. Hugs. DDD

 

[Nomad]

Hopeful.
Prayers. Fingers crossed.

 

[Hound dog]

Believe her. I'm crying too. *sniff* Sure, ok, she's got a long way to go until she succeeds. But she's trying.....and that's huge. For now, live in the moment.

(((hugs))) still praying hard for her

 

[Suz]

wonderful news, Nancy!

Suz

 

[hearts and roses]

Believe her. Sometimes were' afraid to believe when we think there's a chance we might be dissapointed, but the reality is that we'd be disasapointed whether we believed or whether we doubted. Believe her and tell her so. She will gain strength from your affirmations

This is so true. They need to hear from us that we believe in their efforts and capability. Big hugs to you Mom!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Nancy, I am so happy to read this. It gives me hope. Is it wrong to say I am a tad jealous? My difficult child is in crisis mode again and it is killing me....I want this for my difficult child so bad....I wish she wanted it for herself.

 

[Nancy]

PG none of your feelings are wrong. I want your difficult child to make it too, I want all of our difficult child's to make it. If one of them does there is hope for all. That is what AA is built on and it has worked for many years. We all have to trust in our difficult child's that what we have taught them and the life we have surrounded them in will make a difference in their lives and will be what finally makes them come back.

Also I am not naive enough to believe this recovery is the one that will last. I want it to be, but we all know that the lure of the streets is very compelling to our kids. I will it for what it is for now and hope she can build on this so that if there is another relapse she will know how to get back into the program easier.

Nancy

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Very good news! It's extremely encouraging that she is engaging in this program where before she only went through the motions, and that this time she is appreciative and wanting to reconnect with you and the family. Maybe that last bout on the street really opened her eyes in a way that wasn't possible before.

 

[witzend]

 

[KFld]

At this point I would just give her as much positive feedback as you can. Take it one day at a time and don't worry about tomorrow! Be glad for what you have with her today and on Sunday when you spend the afternoon together. We spend so much time trying to manipulate them into doing what we want them to do when they aren't in the right frame of mind, so make sure you use that much effort into feeding her all the positive and how proud you are of her and the choices she is making at this time in her life when she seems to be getting it.

 

[busywend]

My heart is clapping!!!

Keep her busy while she is home. She can help you cook and plan a movie if there is time. Stay moving. Don't let her think about who she could call.

 

[AnnieO]

Nancy - I want this, for you - for her - too.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in history that we just can't believe it might work this time. We know our kids. We know they won't... But then, they do.

Some of them keep digging and never reach bottom, sure. But each time one of them tries - we hope, even as we are dwelling on what they'll probably do wrong. There is always, always hope. Someone here - I cannot remember who right now - has a quote that ends - "a mother's hope outlives them all" on her signature. And it's very true.

Keep her - and yourself - busy, and those negative feelings won't have room. Dwell on what's going right, and what she is doing right.

An optimist sees the glass as half full; a pessimist, as half empty; and a spiritualist looks for someone who's thirsty. You know, your daughter's thirsty right now... And she is the "glass" - your love for her is the drink she needs.

 

[DDD]

I'm smiling at ya! DDD

 

[Fran]

Hope is what gives us the courage to keep believing in our difficult child's. They don't get personality transplants but to just have her sober, is good enough for now. Fingers crosed.

 

[susiestar]

My heart is so happy right now - for you and for her! What the others have said about believing her and letting her know it is true - all of it. I esp like what Step said about her being the glass and your love being what fills her up. And what you said about this experience helping her when she falls again so that she gets back up and tries again sooner.

Let her know you believe in her, in her ability to do this, in her Higher Power to lead her through this.

I think I have said this before, but if I haven't I will pass it on again. My gfgbro has been sober for around 8 years now. He says the thing that has helped him stay sober the most is that we NEVER expect him to be "done" with being an alcoholic. We don't encourage him to dwell on it or talk about it endlessly, but we know it will always be there just like being nearsighted. Even now if he realizes he needs a meeting someone is able and willing to watch his daughter at least 95% of the time, even if it is on short notice. There is never a hassle though he may have to drop her off earlier or meet someone somewhere to pick her up if something else is going on.

He says that just KNOWING that it won't be a big deal or a problem and that none of us will ever say "Well I had planned to do X and Y, but since you need a meeting AGAIN I won't do them." They are treated as routine and no big deal, just part of the day like dinner or brushing teeth. This seems to have cut a LOT of stress out of his life and really helped him.

I don't think it occurred to anyone in my family (my parents, husband, me or my kids) that he would be "over" this problem or be "done" with being an alcoholic and going to meetings the way you get "done" with braces or a cast. I know my exsil's family gave her TONS of grief for not "getting over" her addiction problems as soon as a couple of months after she left rehab each time. While I am sure you own't do this any more than you would open a bottle of wine with her around, it is something to think about. And while I do't watch my niece anymore, I do stay flexible in case plans with my parents need to change because he needs to go to a meeting and they have to change plans with us.

Your family is in my prayers every time I say them. Please let your daughter know that I believe in her also, if there is a good time to say so.

 

[Nancy]

Susie I really appreciate your advice form your experience. My dad is an alcoholic, Yes he still "is" even though he is now 91 years old and doesn't drink any longer, or if he does it's one glass of wine or beer randomly. I know he will always be an alcoholic. I know my daughter wil always be an alcoholic/addict. When we adopted her we knew her birth history and that is probably the biggest reason why I have been so fearful as she grew up watching her experiment with alcohol/drugs. I knew what could and almost certainly would happen. I am so grateful that my husband and I both get it and realize this is a lifelong struggle and will never be done. I'm also sad that some in my family don't understand this and expected her to be fixed when she got out and thought it ok to drink in front of her.

This thinking is never more apparent than when reading fb comments from friends of people who are in rehab. They can't wait for them to get out so they can go drinking again, "Hey are your 90 days up yet? Let's go drinking." "Are you out yet, I miss our partying." "When are you getting out I have some stuff." They either think rehab is a joke and their friend doesn't have a problem or they don't care and want company in their h*ll hole. These are not all young punks, some are old enough to know better. They lie in waiting to snatch the addict back from sobriety and pull them down.

This time she needs to build a lifestyle around her that supports sobriety and that is the biggest question here.

Thanks for all your support. I am excited to see her Sunday. Her girlfriend is coming over to visit (her only good friend left) and I boiled eggs for them to color so she can take them back to the house with her and share with the other girls. We will stay busy.

Nancy