%*#&#@&%(!!! Liar

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, I had difficult child doing document shredding for me, to pay me back for the two tanks of gas he charged on my credit card. The credit card he swiped from my purse a couple of weeks ago.
    The other day, I told him he had to finish the shredding. He pointed to the empty chair and said, "I did it all! Didn't you see that! It's gone!"
    Oh. Weird. It was there ... a few minutes ago ... a day ago? ... two days ago ...
    but with dental surgery, and Percocet, I wasn't sure.
    I had maids come over today to help me clean. We did a lot of work in difficult child's room.
    Especially sheets and blankets, which he piles on top of his mattress (no frame, no box spring) when he wets the bed, or when the cat wets the bed, or both. He just can't be bothered to strip the bed or wash them. Gross. Now that I'm feeling better, and the snow is melting, I *will* get a handyman in here to put a lock on the linen closet. Who would think?
    AND then, searching for the main source of the cat urine smell, I yanked a hoodie out of the corner of the bedroom, and what should I find underneath it but a pile of MY BILLS and BANK STATEMENTS.
    I knew that he and his friend had "cleaned" his room a couple of wks ago by throwing stuff in the closets, but we were chipping away at it a little at a time. Or, perhaps it was all in my mind.
    I just texted him to come home NOW.
    This is 5-yr-old behavior.:mad:
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. I know he will be one of those people on a hoarder show someday. Or at least, a Codes Compliance complaint. :cry:
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    He got home a bit ago.
    We argued a bit (I told him that was really a cheap shot), then he apologized... for procrastinating.
    Not good enough.
    He apologized for lying.
    We stopped arguing. No point in continuing when he's saying what he's supposed to say.
    Even though I'm not sure he means it. :(
    Supposedly tomorrow he'll finish the shredding (too late tonight) but I know it will only happen if I stay on him.
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Do you ever get tired? I am having that problem right now with my youngest. She is such a slob and so lazy that I have to force myself to ask her to do anything. It takes twice as long to get it done and then it is never done right.

    Honestly I am at the point where I would rather do stuff myself than ask for help from her. It's exhausting. Your posts sound exhausting. I wish you luck and hope he starts helping out a little more.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    You can't stop, or nothing gets done, and that isn't right.
    You either keep doing the same thing, and hope that some maturity kicks in at some point or... you change tactics, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't and sometimes backfires.

    Some choice, right?
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    by the way don't you find it odd that he is still wetting the bed at his age? I was just reading something recently that prolonged bed-wetting MAY be a sign of personality disorder. Some scientist agree some don't but I do find it weird that someone of that age is still wetting the bed????
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Terry, that does sound completely exhausting. Can you add a signature to your post? The directions are at the top of the PE thread. Knowing a little more about your son's age and past would help us in responding.

    Hugs to you today. So glad you had some cleaners in to help you!
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Whoops! I think you do have a signature. It is just not showing up on my phone. Disregard that post. Thanks!!
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lies that are so pointless always frustrate me the most. I mean, lies are maddening in general, but the ones that are either easily found out, or don't even matter, make me the craziest.

    This is one I'd probably turn into a joke .. "WOW .. all those documents you shredded mysteriously re-generated themselves and crept into your bedroom! I think you'd better come home and re-shred them now."

    But that's just me and my weird sense of humor. I have a tendency to diffuse a lot of crazy-making situations with humor, it's my coping mechanism.
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    So frustrating. And a bit concerning. With my kids I had a cute phrase that kind of made it a tad more difficult for them to lie. Not foolproof, but helpful. Don't want to say it here ...might reveal identity. But, it was a secret between us. So, when I suspected they were lying, I would say something like "true true??" And they would smile. It was code. I never said that to anyone else and they knew it. It was an accident that I developed it. I don't know if you could do something like this now. I explained to them how much I hated lying and taught them that. For our son, it REALLY helped when I explained that 99.9999999% of lies are caught. No matter what the circumstances. It was interesting and almost funny that this shocked him, but he believed it and it turned things around. Today, they also seem to hate lying. Thoughts go out to you,..hard stuff. You and hubby need to be on the same page. by the way, I too can't see your sig. today.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    FWIW, I see your signature fine, but I'm on a P.C.

    I don't get the lying. I really don't. My son has always known that, to me, lying is the single worst thing you can do! I hate a liar. His biodad was a compulsive liar I swear - the man would lie when the truth would get him OUT of trouble! When our son was younger, he was always told that lying would double the punishment. If he told the truth about something, he may be punished (or may not depending on what it was, if he'd already had punishment at school, etc.) but if he lied, he'd be punished for whatever he did AND for the lie! He saw, when he was an adolescent and my (former) best friend stole my identity to get a credit card and then ran off and stuck me with a car payment I'd co-signed, that after all that her lying to me about it was what I couldn't forgive! I said, in his hearing, if she'd just told me the truth, I could forgive her.

    But still he lied...about anything and everything. About things that there was NO WAY he wouldn't be caught in. He pawned his dad's guitars - knowing that his dad takes a lesson every week - and when asked where they were said he had them in the car because his friend wanted to play them. So...one "bring them back here NOW" and he was caught. When he stole the $700 from our room, we called him in, with the jug laying on the bed and the $7 or so left in in scattered on the comforter and his response was, "What's all this?" Really??? There were only three people living in the house! Did he think maybe we were going to think one of US had taken it?

    The fact is...he lies like he's breathing...but he's not that good at it.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Weird. I've always had my sig up.
    I cut and pasted it here for reference:
    57 artist/writer; husband 57 chiro, easy child biodau 23, son difficult child 18 open adop birth, Aspie lite 11/08; psychiatric hospital 1 wk Aug/Sep 08, mood dis not otherwise specified, ODD, ADHD. Concerta, clonidine, omega3, lithium. Tried Depakote, Imiprimine, Abilify, Zoloft, Seroquel,Buspar. Neg '06 speech cogn; dev delay; held back 1 yr; glaucoma; gluten intol; try to maintain gluten-free-, milk-free diet; collie, golden, 2 cats.
    A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. --Mark Twain
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is an interesting article on something called "Compulsive Lying Disorder." I guess it is not yet in the DSM, but there has been lots of research on it. This thread (and my boredom with not working while recovering from surgery) had me looking up "habitual lying." Short, interesting read.

  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    In regard to bedwetting, he stopped for awhile, but with the lithium, has started back up again. He's supposed to take Desmopressin but doesn't like to take anything other than his lithium and his Xalatan for glaucoma.
    He does take it when we travel.
    The dr said that it's probably from the lithium, with-the salt/water ratio, etc.
    I think part of it is diet related, since he was doing VERY well a couple of yrs ago when he was actually on the gluten-free, dairy-free diet. But working at McDonald's shot that to h*ll. Maybe he'll get a job at the new Whole Foods that's being built??? I can only hope ... :)
    I think it's related to his other digestive issues and whatever type of autism he has.

    And YES I get tired. Exhausted.
    husband and I got into a tiff last night just before bed. I had found the pile of shredding, and had dragged more blankets downstairs, and then posted here, and husband came into my office to say goodnight. I told him what happened, and instead of helping with-a solution or at least being sympathetic, he said he couldn't take any stress at night and had just had it up to here--with my complaining and stress.
    I told him that since I only see him at night, that's when I talk to him about difficult child. And he wanted to rest and watch a movie when he came home (in fact, he was home early, approx. 4, and watched 2 movies.)
    Then he picked up the dog (our Scotty) and put him on the bed and I couldn't help it and blurted, "So, you can pick up the dog but I don't get a hug."
    And he had to add a shot. "It's not all about YOU."
    (Note: I text difficult child every afternoon to tell/ask him to come home for dinner, and sometimes he doesn't respond until we are actually at the table, eating. Instead of being interested in whether difficult child is going to show up, husband puts the phone aside and tells me to ignore him. Obviously, we're on different pages here.)
    I told him it would help if HE called difficult child from the house phone, because difficult child will listen to husband. All he had to do was make a quick phone call, since difficult child was ignoring my texts. No emotion. Just "Come home now."
    He did it. I thanked him.

    I hate being a single mom. That's what I feel like. Why should I have to tell husband what to do? To get involved? Sorry, rant over.

    So, yes, I do get tired. And depressed.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, MWM!
    I have a sister like that, too. Very sad. She is extremely insecure.
    I like this part: "The fabricative tendency is long lasting; it is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure as much as it is an innate trait of the personality."
  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    It's hard, not being on the same page. Jabber and I try...but he's way more "leave him to his own devices" and that can be so hard.

    But, I think I might agree with your husband on the dinner thing. Why are you still telling an 18 year old young man when to eat? I think I'd say, "Dinner is on the table at 6. Come home and eat, or starve. You're choice." Of course, he could fix himself something later. Does he have a curfew? When mine was at home, he was soooo picky. Jabber and I just bought stuff he'd prepare for himself and we ate what we wanted (of course, if he was home it was offered) and when he ate he ate.
  18. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    This is always so difficult when you and the spouse are on different pages with the children, or at different points of the detachment process. While I am much more "leave him to his own devices" as Lil said, that doesn't mean we don't communicate or cooperate. Must admit that it would be nice if our son listened to either of us but I'm the third wheel in this. Son almost always calls Lil instead of me, even when he knows I'm at home and she's at work. There are times when it feels like I'm only acknowledged by him as the presence that helps stiffen Lil's spine some.

    Interesting article MWM. Fits our son to a tee. He's not as bad about it now that we're calling him on his BS more but he used to deny the lie even in the face of irrefutable proof. Even now he admits to the lie grudgingly and generally only shows remorse about it if he sees the possibility of some gain from it.
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Aw Honey, I hate this. :( I hope you know how much I HATE being the one he calls! I certainly don't want to deal with him. I do think that part of the reason he calls me is habit. You don't have a phone on you after all and going thru a prison switchboard is just too much trouble. He's always just kind of known not to call you at work unless it's a dire emergency...so he's always called me.

    Really? I didn't think so. I read that more as "lying to make themselves look good" like telling people they are mechanics when they took a single class in a Vo-Tech and change the oil at Jiffy Lube for a living.
  20. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I know you don't but there has been many a day when he knew I was at home and still called you at work. Like I said before, its mainly because he knows you're the softer touch.

    Ok, other than the lying to make themselves look good it fits our son to a tee! For the most part, he has convinced himself that the BS he slings is true and even when he acknowledges its not true its never his fault.