Livid/Devestated - Nearly falsely arrested!

[mattsmom27]

Okay, so I'm obviously livid about this but more so, I'm broken hearted because this was at the hands of blood relatives, my own brother and my own mother.

Without giving gory details, well most of you know my mom is bipolar, we don't talk, all ties severed. My brother and I have a very superficial and limited relationship for many reasons but mostly because we are very different and as much as I love him because he's my brother, I don't respect him. He has 5 kids with 4 women. His oldest is 17, his youngest is a year old (second youngest being 2 months apart in age with the youngest, doing the math, both preg same time). He has never paid a single support payment for a single child ever. He has zero contact with 4 of the 5. He has been living with the mother of the youngest until, well until this past weekend when she told him they are over and never to return but for picking up/dropping off the baby for visits.

Anyhow, he showed up here a few weeks ago with no notice (lives 2 hours away) and stayed 12 days. Spent not a minute with me or kids, used my computer to sign up for dating sites and posted profile and recruiting women here in the town I live in. Posted as single, no kids blah blah blah. This is typical behaviour for him historically. Under my roof? He$# no! So he spent 3 nights with 3 women during that time, telling me if his g/f calls don't answer your phone so you don't have to lie. I felt in such a bad spot, he's family but this sickens me. I was glad when he left and was determined to speak with him about it when he called again and tell him never again. Well fast forward to Wednesday. He calls, they are broke, baby is sick, have booked appointment for doctor on Thursday, no bus fare to take baby in to the doctor. No Tylenol, no pedialite, using diapers extra cuz she had diarhea and would not have enough to see her through. I did a email money transfer through to them so it was instantly in their account for $100 to get her to docs and anything she needed, any cost if she needed script etc. I hear nothing back until he lands in my doorway Friday about 2p.m. HUH????? Uh, no!!! NOT doing this AGAIN! Sure enough, he talks to me for 10 minutes, BS's me about a job interview on Monday here in town (LIES) and then straight to my kitchen computer after a quick phone message left for the one woman who is actually falling for him hard, saying call him when she is in, made a special trip here for her! (Gag me!)

easy child was home for weekend, not with her dad, so I was determined that as soon as she was in bed I would throw him out. I didn't want any scene, should there be one, in front of her. So her and I ran up to video store before her bed time. I come back and difficult child tells me he is gone, message is he may or may not be back before morning, leave door unlock (Heck no!) and again, if g/f calls don't answer phone so you don't have to lie. He was gone to dating site girl's house for the night. So I called when easy child was in bed, to this woman's house (last number dialed on my phone so just hit redial). Was polite and asked her to speak to my brother. Told him politely that I will not lie for him, he can't stay here, pick up bags the next day please. No fight, he said ok.

He showed up Sat. and picked up bag, all friendly, stayed 2 minutes and left. Good. Told him that I wasn't going to call g/f cuz this isn't my life here, but if she calls looking for him and asks me anything where I'd have to lie, I wouldn't. Told him take care of your crap and get it together. He smiled and said no problem. So 11p.m. g/f calls crying looking for brother, baby is still vomitting, diarhea. Needs to take baby to ER, looking for brother. Turns out the jerk didn't even leave her bus fare to go to ER, didn't buy tylenol, pedialite, diapers, nothing. Left her broke. She was praying he was here to beg him to please send her enough money to get baby to ER. I broke down crying, emailed her money to take care of my baby niece (named after me) and she said Melissa, I never asked you before, he's your brother and I didn't want to force you to break confidence but I have to know. Is he with another woman when he is running away from here to your house?

So I cried, she cried, I told her truth. It hurt to do to her, she was devestated. She said well maybe he's not sleeping with these women, which well I know he sleeps there but I wasn't there either so no proof. So I have spyware on puters in my house to monitor difficult child's usage. Gosh my brother knows that, knows I see everything he does when I read difficult child's logs. So I used it to get passwords to his dating site account and email and sure enough, evidence of how far things have gone with this woman. I felt for the woman too. She was conned. She was falling for him. Another vulnerable single parent looking for a loving family man to accept her and her kids etc. :frown:

So I ignored the other women he is "woo'ing" online who haven't met him yet. I emailed the woman here in town who is falling in love with my brother. I kept it short and sweet. I simply told her she deserves to know the truth before she gets hurt, and she can do what she wants with the information. Is this a betrayal of my brother? Well he sees it that way, I knew he would. The way I see it, he betrayed my home, he used us as a way to cover his true dealings here in town, he didn't ask me to cover for his garbage, he merely told me to do so without listening when I said I wouldn't lie for him. As for telling the other woman, well why should another woman get destroyed by him? She had gotten to where she was feeling safe letting him meet her 3 teenage children. I didn't ask to be thrust into my brothers messed up life. ARGH!

So he can't go home now, he's been told he no longer lives here. Locks are changed. She is currently as I type this getting emerg. court order for full custody of baby because he has threatened to take baby since neither has custody so police won't force him to return baby when he picks her up for visit. She will allow access but only after she gets that protection through court today. She isn't sleeping. Baby is still ill. He is calling and leaving horribly abusive messages on machine. I learned that he has been physically abusive, recently had her in bathroom cornered strangling her. :frown: I am glad he is out of that house!

Sorry, off topic again. So yesterday I had both kids home, company for dinner. A police officer arrives, tells me I'm under arrest for harrassment (calling my mother and brother at my mothers house over 20 times that day being abusive, leaving messages etc), slander, defamation of character and fraud (said I hacked his accounts online). When I tried to ask for a moment to tell my side, he said "tell a judge" and walked toward me with cuffs!!! I stood my ground, politely said perhaps 5 minutes of your time to hear my version will help you from arresting a mother with 2 kids who has company and doesn't even HAVE my mother's new phone number as it changed months ago and her I don't speak. That I have company to verify, kids to verify, I've been cooking and crafting with kids all day and haven't touched my phone, just as a start.

Thank GOD he stopped at hearing that, said ok, you have my attention, you have 5 minutes. I told him the story. Then I cried. This is my blood, my family. I didn't hack anything, it was all on my puter to see. I did log in his accounts but he had given me his password a long time ago when he needed me to check something because he didn't have access to a computer. Morally? Yes maybe it crossed a line to access his email. And yes, he was stupid to make the same password for the dating site and I "morally" shouldn't have gone into it to read it. I however would still do it again in this situation as that was only way to prove for his g/f's sake that he was cheating. As mother of his baby she has a right to the truth and she certainly wouldn't have gotten it from him. I never slandered him or defamed him. Thank god I studied law in college for 3 full years! I know what those charges entail. I did not "email every person in his address book and in the dating site" as he said and "spread lies and garbage to them". I emailed one woman, the one who he has falling in love with him, and told her fact. That he is in a relationship, has a child with this woman, and is cheating. Period. It was short and sweet and not slander etc.

This officer was very apologetic. I thanked him for listening at my request, because had I not asked and he not finally given me a chance to talk, I would have had to beg my company to stay with my kids for god knows how long as I was taken away in handcuffs!!!!!

This is low even for a lowlife deadbeat like my brother. There wasn't even an ounce of truth in the harrassment towards my mother. They both stood and lied to a cop to have me arrested when I've never called that number and don't even HAVE her frreaking number??? I have cried alot of tears through the years with both of them, mostly my mother. I spent years gaining courage to end her abuse and end contact with her and keep my kids away from her. Not alot about either of them shocks me or can hurt me anymore. This incident did both, badly. Thankfully we remained outside, easy child was oblivous and thankfully saw/knows nothings. difficult child is crushed, angry, disgusted, sadly more aware than ever about what they are really like. He gathered all pictures in his room of my mom and my brother and destroyed them including their frames. Ranted about going to find my brother and start attacking him. I knew it was venting, I let him vent. He has a right to his anger and I know he isn't going to go truly start a fight. He then cried and told me he has no clue how I have not gone crazy all my life living with my mom and brothers garbage, he can't take it and is glad that with this, the door has slammed shut for my brother as well because his nerves can't take it. He told me again that never will he ever be able to be abusive or hurtful or hateful towards me again and how sorry he was again for being that way in the past. He told me he was once like them and can't live with knowing that. I told him you were a kid, you were fed alot of lies and you were manipulated, that it wasn't his fault, he knows better now so he does better now and that I am proud of him. That at almost 14, he is more man than his 35 year old uncle and he never needs to think he is anything like them.

I didn't sleep well last night. Half afraid they'd pull something new. Broken hearted and broke down many times after both kids were sleeping. This is a tough time.

As for mother and brother, police officer said it was a charge of public mischief for both of them. He was livid that they wasted police time on such garbage and used the police for vengeance and it was a criminal offense. I said yes but if you charge them I end up having to go to court against them to say what they did and I plum don't want to spend anymore energy on them. Not to mention then it will lead them to looking for more ways to try to set me up etc. He agreed then to go freak on them, scare them, threaten them with charges for this if they pull one more stunt etc. But he told me that if either of them pulled an attitude with him, all bets were off and he would be arresting them both so he hoped for my sake that they understand the trouble they could be in so keep their mouths shut. I said I can live with that. He then gave me his card and said if he calls or she calls, to not answer (I have call display) and even if they don't leave a message, call him immediatly and they will be arrested for the public mischief and then harrassment. He was to make it clear to them to not come here, call here, contact me or my children, period. Or the public mischief charge is laid.

What a sad family I was born into. I am hurt. I am angry. I am lost. I am ashamed of my name, my heritage, my blood. The whole eperience was humiliating on top of everything else that it was. Having to tell a stranger my whole messed up family garbage. Crying on my doorstep at this all. This could have ended very differently had I not gotten his attention to listen to my side. I'd have been locked up!

 

[Lothlorien]

Sounds like your brother is really messed up. I hope his girlfriend and baby are okay. I hope he never bothers you again. I'm glad the cop listened to you, before arresting you. That's a little strange that he didn't show up to hear your sided of the story, before threatening to arrest.

 

[tracy551]

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope the baby is better and in safe hands with her mother. Sometimes you can try to help people and when they don't like the "way" you help them they turn it into something else. Good luck

 

[WhymeMom?]

Sorry for such sad family relations....Hopefully your brother won't "darken your door" again. At least not until he needs a place to stay or more funds....The equally sad thing is that if he put half the effort into getting or keeping a job that he puts into cheating women or getting "revenge" on his sister he could probably be CEO of his own company.....

Thinking of you.....

 

[Hound dog]

Well, my Mom can be a real piece of work at times but I can at least say this is one thing she hasn't pulled.

I don't blame you for being hurt. It's wise for you to put them out of your life. They are toxic. They aren't going to change until they want to change. That's not your fault.

Good for you for standing up for what was right in this situation. G/f and baby won't be putting up with his abuse. (hopefully she won't take him back) And the soon to be girlfriend has a heads up from you. Judging by brother's reaction I'd say she probably told him to hit the road.

It says something that difficult child can recognize the gfgdom in grandmother and uncle. He's made much progress.

(((hugs)))

 

[DazedandConfused]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Morally? Yes maybe it crossed a line to access his email. And yes, he was stupid to make the same password for the dating site and I "morally" shouldn't have gone into it to read it. I however would still do it again in this situation as that was only way to prove for his g/f's sake that he was cheating. </div></div>

You did my CORRECT thing morally in my view. You knew that someone was going to be hurt and you did the right thing in attempting to put a stop to it. I would have done the same thing.

Your brother, and Mother, are a piece of work. My Dad was one of those. Toxic as nuclear waste. Though, he never called the cops on me. He did try and throw me to the IRS lions once to the tune of 6 figures.

I'm glad the officer listened.

(((hugs)))

 

[totoro]

Oh the dysfunctional family, what a piece of work. It is mind numbing what people will do!!!
This confirms my resolve to keep the distance from my father and brother... both equally toxic.

I am so sorry you and your family have to suffer through this bs... it is so damaging to everyone.
Hopefully you are done with them.

 

[Loris]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Thank goodness the officer took the time to listen after all.

 

[mattsmom27]

Thank you all for your understanding. This came at a time where my mother is also "sticking it" to another family member, my aunt, her last living sister. They have had no contact for many years due to my mom's behaviours/actions against my aunt. My aunt and I are close and we've both been reeling this past 2 weeks thinking my mother couldn't ever possibly hit any lower bottom then she was at with her latest antics. Long story short, my aunt was married 27 years, 2 great kids, before she learned her husband had cheated since a month after their marriage. The final woman he was with for 12 straight years while with my aunt. My aunt has spent 10 years dealing with his divorce crap, trying to ruin her financially, stalking her (retired cop, a stalker, the police refused to help her, good old boy's society, it's sickening), messing with her medical benefits, dealing with breast cancer (advanced, now in remission thank god) and gamma knife surgery for a brain tumor that just now the effects are kicking in of. She is medically a wreck and this man is hideous. Well turns out my mother signed on as his witness to get an anulment from the church, HIS witness. Papers sent to her from the church show that she will say that my aunt was never a proper wife, therefore his cheating isn't his fault, he deserves his anulment because before he cheated my aunt had already made the marriage a farce in his eyes etc. Even worse, last thing that I ever heard from my mother was her confession that guess who one of his "cheatee's" was during my aunts marriage to him? Yup, good old mom! Proud daughter? I don't think so. That was the last thing I allowed her to say to me and no, she will never be in my life again. I am okay with it, better with it this way. She was never a mother, I haven't lost anything but the toxicity which I never should have put up with for so long. I will NEVER tell my aunt, her pain at my mom's betrayal is horrible right now. Understandably. My aunt was a great wife and mother and was blindsided, he was such a good con she had no idea she wasn't the other half of a happy marriage. :frown:
So today her and I had a theraputic heart to heart talk and a good cry together, we needed it, to find a way together to realize we will never understand my mom, now my brother either. There is no answer on why some people are just so innately wicked and hateful and cruel. That we have to hang on to the loyalty that DOES exist in our family and not let their toxicity infect us even still, after we have wisely cut them out of our lives. She was right when she told me that my brother is truly his mothers son. Sad to hear such a profound comparison/statement. I don't know how him and I both grew up in the same life and turned out so different. Even our horrible childhood/upbringing doesn't excuse his adult choices and actions.
Many phone calls from his now ex g/f. She is waivering between anger that gives her strength to change locks, apply to court, obtain lawyer etc, and falling completely apart. Each day it will get a little easier for her and her kids, but I'm sure that doesn't even seem possible for her right at this moment. Financially well truthfully, she will be on social assistance now for a while anyhow and it is peanuts. But my brother controlled all income and she never had any control in her home. He was not responsible and despite her income to be peanuts, she will oddly be better off, although I worry for her because you can't stretch a dollar further than a dollar and it will not be enough to meet their even basic needs. She is refusing to allow me to help her for even a few months while she tries to get her head together and then go find a job. No way she can run out right away looking for a job. She's got alot to do, court, healing, helping her son adjust, etc. I have decided to anonymously ship her preloaded gift cards for walmart and grocery stores, even a hundred bucks a month for each place will go far when you are getting unlivable amounts of income. I will deny if she asks because she would not be able to spend it otherwise. I'm going to tell her when she asks that whoever is doing it must really care and understand so just feel loved when she uses the cards to help get through each pay period and leave it at that. She lives to far away to help her with babysitting for a break. She is alone in that city, no family, friends etc. Her one friend is a good one, but married, job, kids etc.
*sigh* difficult child talked online tonight with my oldest nephew and he said he's glad his father is back in town and living at my mom's because he deserves nothing more than flocking together with birds of a feather (meaning with my mom :frown: ).
As for me, well I'm still stinging from this. I am no longer feeling so "suprised" because I guess I always knew how ugly and hateful they can be. I just never pictured this scenario that's for sure. I am so grateful for my aunt, I have only her and a cousin here in town. My cousin has her own problems, thankfully she is nothing like my mom or bro, but she does have issues that prevent us being really close anymore. We are in touch but not really a family feeling that I would love to have. My aunt's son lives in Seattle, her daughter in England, we are in Canada. We both are very lonely for family. I told her we are not alone when we are there for each other, and us each having one caring and loyal and trustworthy family member to turn to in town is better than having a few more who are toxic around us. We are holding on to that. It was nice to be able to assure her she is doing right staying away from them. It was nice to hear that I am nothing like my mom or brother and to hear her say that I am not to feel ashamed of them because I am not a reflection of their actions. I know it, but I still feel the shame. I'm going to have to work on that. Saying the goodbyes and love you's felt good, I needed that from a family member, and she is all I have.
Thank you all for reading, for understanding. I have to keep remembering I have to be the bigger person here. No Melissa, you cannot post a listing about your brother on that website that features cheating mens profiles :wink: *j/k*

Melissa

 

[On_Call]

Melissa,

Wow! I'm so sorry that all of this has been going on. I think you did the absolute right thing. There has to be an even bigger word than "toxic" for what's going on within your family dynamics right now.

Thank God the officer stopped long enough to hear your side of the story - you got a guy who is actually doing what he should do in that situation, but I guess I expected you were going to post that he arrested you first and asked questions second. At least that much was good that he listened.

I think you are amazing to want to help your brother's girlfriend! She is lucky to have you as a friend in this situation.

Take care of yourself while you take time to settle down and start to heal (if you can) from this latest battle.

Sending many hugs of support your way.

 

[Stella Johnson]

Morally you did the right thing. In the future stay far, far away from all them. Then you don't get sucked into their chaose and bs.

Steph

 

[donna723]

Melissa - For what my opinion is worth, I think you did exactly the right thing, both in cutting off the toxic members of your family and in giving the girlfriend(s) the heads up on what they're getting in to!

Your brother came in, took over your home, used your computer like it was his own, and then expected you to lie and cover for him! What the H*ll????. You have a perfect right to know what he's doing on your computer! What if he was doing something illegal on there that could have come back at you?!?!?

And as far as contacting the girlfriend's ... you absolutely did the right thing! Good for you! The "potential girlfriend" had a right to know that he wasn't what he was presenting himself to be and you probably saved her a lot of heartache. If this news had come from an ex-wife or former girlfriend, she might have questioned the motives behind it, but coming from his sister, it's different. And the mother of his baby, she too has a right to know what he really is! She has the right not to be lied to! This way she can take steps to protect herself and her children and do whatever is necessary legally.

And there is something else too. I was once in the position she is in right now. I spent twenty years married to a man who cheated on me, probably for years. I could never prove it and he always denied it to the hilt - lies on top of lies on top of more lies! We worked at the same place and lots of other people knew! His friends all covered for him, and others who knew didn't want to tell me. Thanks, folks! When it finally came to an end, he was seeing a woman who was the original "good time that was had by all"! I was furious that nobody had had the guts to tell me! Hey, folks, there are diseases out there that can KILL you! When he made the decision to have a relationship with this woman and others like her, he was putting his life at risk, which apparently he was willing to do. But he was also putting MY life at risk, and he did NOT have my permission to do that! I was being lied to. I was terrified at what he might have passed on to me! My son was still a kid at the time and he needed his mom to be around for a while! So I spent half a day at the doctors office being tested for every nasty sexually transmitted disease there is! Not much fun and I was scared to death! He had NO RIGHT to put me through that, to make me unknowingly risk my life so he could fool around with trashy women! And how I wished that someone, just one person, even anonymously, had gotten the courage to let me know what was going on! YOU DID ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT THING AND I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!!

 

[TYLERFAN]

Sending Prayers, Melissa

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,
I thank God that the nightmare ended very differently and that Matt had his eyes opened and made a commitment to you. I think that he will begin to gain a little appreciation of who his mother is. For us here , you are a hero, despite all odds, the abuse , you have managed to rise above it and empathize and give strength to others in the midst of your struggles. I pray that your heart will be healed soon and you can move on , never to meet those who not only have betrayed you but tried to hurt you.

Allan

 

[mstang67chic]

As freaky as my family can be at times, I can't imagine dealing with that level of nuts. I'm so sorry you had to go through that but good for you for realizing that you can't do anything about it and eliminating contact. You and your aunt have each other and you two are definately getting the better end of all of it with each other.

As for brother's exgf....do you have any of those random acts of kindness tag cards that someone posted about awhile back? You could include one of those with the first gift card you send her. That way, even though it's anonymous she has the tag card to "pay it forward" with when she's able. (if you don't know what they are, pm me and I'll send you the website and info) How old is her son? Maybe we could do a board clothing drive or something.

Sending hugs to you and your aunt both.

 

[mattsmom27]

Thank you all again :smile:

In regards to the tag cards, that was me who posted about them . I had received one in my mailbox myself and then posted here and ordered some of my own. I do have several as I had recently reordered another set of 5 for myself to use. I love those Tag cards! Unfortunatly that would be a dead giveaway as I had told her how touched I was when I got my tag card/suprise in my mailbox and told her too how to order some when she asked LOL.

I have figured out a sneaky way to go about this, as if mailed locally it will be stamped with my town name through the post office, which won't work either. I have a trustworthy friend in her town, so I plan to send the gift cards to her via post, she will then every second week send a card, alternating between a walmart card and a nearby grocery store card. We have the same chain stores here, so I can buy them here to mail. Then every 2 weeks she'll discover a little something in her mailbox. I do plan to include a typewritten brief note (so she won't recognize handwriting) telling her she can count on this arrangement for the next 4 months while she gets on her feet, and that it is a gift of thanks on behalf of her children for being a loving, dedicated mom that they will be inspired by as they grow up, knowing how much she will have sacrificed and dedicated to them to see that they have good lives. Following that, with each gift card I will arrange to have a little card or note with something inspirational on it worded from children to a mom. Maybe the little cards will help her self esteem and help her see how strong a woman she is, as of now she doesn't see it. Yup, my brother did a real number on her.
On a positive, she phoned today to ask if she did the right thing in her court documents. I was so proud of her! She worded it all so brilliantly, without emotion, basic facts without bashing him but with honesty. She did this even though she is terrified of him to be served with them and read them (will be served by sheriff tomorrow at our mothers house, god to be a fly on the wall when he realizes she hasn't lost herself despite his best efforts!). She is worried about what he may try to do/pull/say etc etc.
Court will be May 8 in her city and I committed to attending with her first of all for support as she has no family to be with her, and second of all in case he pulls something rotten or lies in which case I am more than willing to be called as a witness. This isn't out of revenge to my brother, but rather that a child who has no voice deserves loyalty from me and he doesnt' have to like it.
As for me, much better today. Sleep was horrible last night, first time ever I didn't get up to take easy child to school, I hadn't fallen asleep till about 5a.m. So she went after lunch. difficult child has anxiety and is tremoring bad in his hands (neuro issue but made worse under stress). School agreed to give him a day to try to get rested and regulated and that with his tremors so bad he couldn't function in a class room anyhow.
So his birthday is next week and we needed a little fun, distraction. Hit the mall while easy child was in class this afternoon and got him his birthday gift early. I purchased a new computer over the weekend and had given him my desktop computer for his room. So today I finally bought him the xbox 360, game, membership to play online and a whole bunch of extra accessories like cool wireless controllers for his friends to hang out and play, headsets, etc. Over a thousand dollars gone, but the effect was priceless when his jaw dropped and he'd hate for me to say this to anybody but his eyes teared up. He had been told the computer was his birthday gift, and a game I picked up for it. He was so shocked today. But the tears weren't from the shock, it was because he has wanted one for so long, and it is far out of my budget. I had told him months and months ago that one day he would be suprised with it, when I could afford it, and when he got it, he would know that it was a gift of love from me to honor him and show him how proud of him I am for working so hard on himself. He knew he had to earn it and I wouldn't set a timeline for that moment, he would get it when the time felt right for me based on him having earned my trust that his changes were heartfelt, and when it felt like he appreciated and valued his life, his home, me, his sister, etc.
So I choked back my own tears so as not to ruin a good moment by embarrassing a soon to be 14 year old boy :wink: and he hasnt' been seen since but to grab a plate of dinner and beg for just this once to eat in his room. I expect I'll see him again in about a month :wink:
I will throw in a brag, 2 days after moving home was first term report card, he was failing (35% average). Before march break (last week) he got term 2 report card and has pulled up to over 60% average, meaning he's getting nearly straight A's to pull it up so much, with another term left to bring it up even more.
I used to fear his future, not so long ago he was so different. He hugged me today so tight I thought he'd squish me. That was BEFORE I hit the mall too :wink:

Again thank you all for your understanding and kindess. Those who remember the Tag cards? Random acts of kindness? You all demonstrate that right here and each and every day.

Melissa