Long time lurker with difficult child...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kieran, Aug 6, 2008.

  1. Kieran

    Kieran New Member

    Hi all, this is my first post but I've been lurking a long time.
    Shari's post me thinking....I'll try my best to put it into words...

    I have a 16yo difficult child. His diagnosis is adhd, odd/conduct disorder, mood disorder. He's been in therapy most of his life. He's been in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). His medications are stable.
    I feel that I have done everything a parent can do to provide him with the tools he needs to make decisions and live a productive life. Despite ongoing efforts he just refuses to make the right choices...
    Now onto my point...
    When he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), it was the first time that I have ever felt calm and at peace. Upon his return, I felt nothing. That nothingness has turned into dislike, that dislike has turned into revulsion. He is currently with my dad and step-mom for a few week visit. I am dreading the day he walks back in the door. I hate that I feel that way. No amount of "breaks" from him is going to fix this. Anytime away from him just reinforces those negative feelings.
    I am in therapy. She's trying to help me through this. I just don't see anything changing until difficult child moves out.
    Ok, I feel like I'm rambling now. I guess I just haven't ran across anyone else with a difficult child that feels like me or maybe they are just too afraid to admit it.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to the board.

    When my difficult child is gone, I miss her like crazy. About 5 minutes after she walks in the door, I'm ready to send her away. I live her to death, but I don't particularly like her.

    Trust me, you are not alone.

    Grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, and let us get to know you. You found a safe, soft place to land!
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I don't think anyone is afraid to admit it. difficult child's aren't very likeable especially in their teens and older. Before hand there is hope that your hard work will help but then you start to feel not sense of satisfaction or hope.
    On the other hand, he is mine and I get to choose whether I live my life based on how I feel about difficult child or let difficult child be part of a bigger picture of my life that has ups and downs. My life isn't just difficult child's mom.

    I bet if your son starts to grow into the young man of character that you know he could be, that you will like/love him and celebrate the prodigal return.

    No one wants to work as hard as we do for our difficult child's with no sign of improvement, gratitude or even appreciation. It stinks to live our lives with difficult child's but I think most of us come to grips with our children's shortcomings and our own.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. We are all trying the best we know how to parent.

    It's so nice to meet you and I'm glad you aren't lurking anymore. Who knows what you can teach us.
  4. Just wanted to say welcome.
  5. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Just wanted to say hi, welcome out of lurkdom. I also wanted to say that if our difficult child's were not our children, we wouldn't particularly like them because of their actions. You've done what you can to help him make those right choices and now the rest is up to him. I don't know, but I always think that there's always a hope they may get tired of the chaos and take what you've given them and turn their life into something better, and then perhaps you'll begin to like the person he can become. If he makes wrong choices, don't feel bad that you don't like it or him. Why do we expect ourselves to like them just because they're our children. I think the reason it hurts so much to dislike our difficult children is because we do love them as our children.
  6. cyncan

    cyncan Guest

    Hello - I am also a long time lurker and not only have the same feelings as you - we have acted on them. My husband is the custodial parent for his two kids - GFGSS17 and GFGSD15. His son has been diag with Aspergers and ADHD. His daughter was diag with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ADHD and an Adjustment Disorder.

    We raised them together since they were 5 and 6 - mom out of the picture most of the time.

    Son is doing very well - excelling at school - has plans for future, responsible - a little immature - but that is to be expected. He does have his issues - but nothing like SD.

    Being Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - we knew it would get worse when she turned into a teenager. During her early years there were many psychiatrists, medications, group therapy and ultimately an overdose of one of her medications (psychiatrists determined - since she had a different story each time - that not a 'true' attempt - but definately an attention thing) - and a psychiatric hospital stay. In between - she caused such anger, pain and hurt in our home - we are all affected. For most of son's life - everything was focused on SD and her issues. She never cared who she turned on or hurt - as long as she got what she wanted. There was lying, stealing, manipulating and finally false abuse stories.

    We finally had enough with the last false abuse story in April and sent her to live with her Mom - the custody papers will be final in September.

    I have loads of guilt - did we do enough, did we try hard enough - what did we do wrong - but in the end - she had to want to change - even a little - and she does not - is not interested. I know we are good parents - cause SS is doing ok.

    Eventhough we knew things would change in the home when she was gone - we did not realize how much. Even the dog is happier. The stress level is very low - we are working on getting our tolerance and patience back. SS is loving having Mom and Dad happy again - I heard so many times over the years from him - I just want you and Dad to smile again.

    We made the choice to save the remaining family members - not that we don't love SD - we just don't like who she is or her choices -- and she will never live with us again.

    These are natural feelings - having someone cause so much pain in the home - naturally you don't want them there...

    I will do a signature later to give all the facts....
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and welcome. You are not alone, there are quite a few of us that are not afraid to admit that loving our difficult child's is hard to do. I feel exactly like you do. My daughter will be coming home from the hospital on Friday after a 6 week stay and I am terrified!!! I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I am tired and yearn for a peaceful life. In the beginning I was ashamed and felt horribly guilty for dreading life with my wonderful difficult child. Years later, I have let some (not all) of the guilt and shame go. I am careful of who I will admit my true feelings to as not everyone will understand. I can assure you that everyone here gets it. No need to be shy on this website as we all live very similar lives.

    We, as parents love our children, liking them all of the time is a totally different story. Hang in there and glad you came out of the shadows. God bless. :)
  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Fran, I love your response!!! It was meant for Kieran but I got the message as well, so THANKS. :)
  9. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Welcome! Your feelings are completely understablable, especially here. If my son was my husband, I would have divorced him long ago!

    The mom in me continues to fight for all that I can do to help my son but there is another side of me that is very angry for the way my son has screwed up my life. I like to push these feelings down and pretend they are not there but it is the reality of dealing day in and out with an extremely difficult person. You are smart to go to therapy to help work through your feelings and I'm glad you've posted!

    Look forward to hearing more from you,
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Welcome, Kieran.

    Your post is the thing I hang onto and what carries me thru the rough days - if my experience can help just one other person along the way, then what I'm doing is not for naught. Apparently my post helped you out of lurkdom, so that gives me hope.

    Today my difficult child's antics cost me an $80. Not the first time he's cost me money for a dumb reason, and I'm sure it won't be the last. So my feelings aren't much improved today, either.

    But welcome.
  11. Kieran

    Kieran New Member

    Thank you for all the welcomes and understanding. I'm working on dinner but will be back later to post more. :)
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Kieran....welcome aboard and you are definately NOT alone. I flat out told my difficult child in counseling once that I had to love him (and I do) but I don't have to LIKE him. He looked at me like I told him the most horrid thing ever and then looked at the counselor. The counselor told him that yes, I can say that and yes, it's ok and true.

    If we as parents don't do OUR job and provide the tools that our kids need...well that's one thing. But it's completely different when we give them all we can...counseling, therapy, medications if needed, support, encouragment, etc. and they choose to keep their heads buried where the sun doesn't shine.

    My son has been in counseling for years, had anger management, group therapy for everything from anger to social skills....all of it. Support from various agencies, accomadations at school...the works. This kid has had so many opportunities to really work on everything that he CAN control (or at least learn to cope/deal with the things he can't) and he chooses to sit on his arse and watch cartoons. He did get a job last week but that's the biggest postive thing he's done probably ever. He wants everything handed to him, wants HIS way and if we have the gall to even attempt to enforce rules around here then we are awful people. Before he started his job, he wanted me to drive him to Taco Bell to fill out another app. He had access to husband's old bike....it isn't the best but it will do. He will not do things for himself and expects us to do everything for him so I told him to ride the bike. Lovely little hissy fit after that but he did it. (My favorite line from that fit was "what kind of mother are you?"....um...the kind that will make you independant if it kills us both.) And of course, he supposedly wrecked twice on the way there and I heard every detail but honestly I didn't care. He wasn't reallly hurt and he's got to do this himself. Plus, if he truly did wreck, it wouldn't surprise me if it was intentional so he would have something to "guilt" me with when he got home.

    Back to my point....I think that if we do what we can and our kids refuse to do for themselves.....well they will just have to be miserable until they get off their duff's and take some control over their own lives. Don't feel guilty. You've done what you can...the rest is up to them. And no....I don't much like my difficult child now either. (And haven't for awhile. You're not alone in that either)