Looks like son just nailed his own coffin shut?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by kt4394, May 26, 2016.

  1. kt4394

    kt4394 Member

    So, we go to court tomorrow for CRA hearing. The probation officer is recommending DCF custory. I was pretty upset about this and was ready to fight for him to get some more time and hopefully get him some
    help. Yesterday, he met with his attorney and adjustment counselor at school and was working with them to make a plan to make up his work, etc. That, apprently, went great according to his lawyer and the adjustment counselor. But - no. He was full of it. Again. Right after that, he met up with his friends and was caught on camera graffitiing(sp) a wall in school, then he skipped out of last two classes of the day and his afterschool program. Came home, all full of bullsh***, said he did homework, blah, blah. Husband caught him smoking in the bathroom while I was out at meeting.
    So, then today came. He got called down to office because he skipped school and they saw him on video graffiting (sp) the wall. 10 day suspension because he wouldn't admit to it. He denied it, denied it, denied it, then got mad. They put him in outer office and he then proceeded to mouth off to everyone else in the office. I went down to office (I work there) and got the lowdown from asst principal. We called him in. Deny, deny, deny, attitude and he walked out. Was walking down the halls, swearing and yelling and they were following. School went into lockdown. I am all the while dying inside. Son lead them through the school, swearing and yelling, outside, then back in. Mouthing off the whole time, punching lockers, mouthing off at police officers. They had him taken away in handcuffs. He was charged with malicious destruction, disturbing school assembly, and diorderly conduct. He was mouthing off to cops and my husband and I when we were in police station. He was released to our custody.
    So, now he's home. All he cares about is getting his "stuff" back. Cash, cellphone, etc. He actually had 3 cellphones on him. Two of my old phones with no service and his own. Why? I don't know. Cash? Pretty sure he is stealing alcohol from local store and selling it to other stupid kids. I am not giving him back his stuff. Took it from husband because I'm not sure he won't. I have to go to work in a few hours. what a relief, really.
    Attorney told him they could fight DCF custody for now if he showed improvement, which it seemed like he was. Now even she says we are screwed. And we are. I don't know what being put in a group home with do to him psychologically. I don't know that he will be given the help that he so desperately needs. How do I get through this? How do I get him the help he needs? How do we get through to him that he needs to change? Why is he acting this way? I am so conflicted. I worry so much about why he is acting this way, why he can't control his emotions, about this anxiety, his depression. But then I am just flipping MAD. I can't even stand the sight of him. I want to grab him and shake him. I want to scream until I have no voice left. I see (rarely) glimmers of hope and progress and I love him and want to help him, but inevitably, he does something stupid in the next moment. I know he has a marijuana addiction and has this whole group of ridculous friends. I know he has anxiety and depression. But what else? I just don't know. Why can't he keep his life under control? Why doesn't he care?
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry you had to go through this today. You must have felt like you were detached from your body.

    My son has been on similar path since 15 also and he's almost 21. I wish I had this forum back then. I'm sure you'll get great advice here.

    You can only do what you can do. You can't control all of it no matter how hard you try. I tried all of that.

    This forum will help you through it. Just wanted to say I feel your pain and you are not alone!
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, KT

    Sorry that you are going through this.

    What kind of group home is he possibly going to?

    Do they have any therapeutic or dual diagnosis type places that he could get treatment for drug addiction/mental health needs?

    Are there any options?
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi KT, My heart goes out to you. To be honest a change might do him some good. Somehow he needs to learn that his way of doing things is not working. All you can do at this point is to let him know you love him and then when he is out of the house take care of yourselves. Get some rest. Hugs to you.
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sorry you are going through this. Being out of your home might be good for him. It can be the rude awakening he needs.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know anything anyone can say to make your son change. My daughter was a very young drug user. She started at twelve. My guess is that your son may be using more than pot. Pot doesn't cause anger and destruction, such as punching lockers in school and causing a scene in front of his school peers. The truth is, we never know what they use unless we catch them or they quit and confess. I think being somewhere else might or might not help your son. Depends on his attitude and if he decides to change. If he has any mental illness, it is hard to know and impossible to treat if the person uses drugs. Drugs alone can make the user act pretty crazy.
    I think a group home is a good option. Even if it doesn't help him, it would probably be respite for you and you need it! Is rehab an option for him? I'm surprised that hasn't been mentioned.
    Sorry about his bad choices and your hurting heart.
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
  7. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    This. ^

    I may have told this story before, but I have a friend whose daughter was much the same. Truant, runaway, shady friends, verbally abusive. My friend had her in counseling, both at school, with a psychologist, and with an outreach counselor that came to the house 3 days a week. Tried medications, consequences, nothing worked.

    The final straw was when she threatened to burn down the house. My friend had 4 younger children, including an infant at the time. She called the police. The daughter was hospitalized. Nothing was ever resolved and my friend refused to take her home. The hospital threatened and did turn my friend into DYFS.

    The end result was that the daughter was placed into a group home. It was a rocky start, but she eventually did well there. She finished school, she got a driver's license. She got a job, and a car. Now she is 21 and is in college.

    For some reason the group home was a wake up for her. Whether it was the structure, or whether she was unable to manipulate or upset the foster mother, or whether she just needed to get away from the shady influences we don't know, but my friend and her daughter have a good relationship now, and she is doing well.

    Try to be hopeful.
  8. kt4394

    kt4394 Member

    Thank you to you all.
    We go tomorrow. I just don't know what is going to happen. We are honestly freaking out. I don't want to relinquish custody to my child. I also have absolutely no faith in dcf and their programs. You only hear horror stories. I don't know what he needs but I really believe sticking him in a group home could be more detrimental than anything else. I don't think that he will get the help he so desperately needs. I don't know how to get him the help he needs. He doesn't think he needs it at all. He thinks that the therapy makes it worse, makes him stress more and more anxious. I don't get that. We actually talked tonight a little until he shut off, crying and upset. I am trying to talk to him, but trying to remember he is a 15 year old kid, and a mentally unstable one at that. I don't know how to reach him.
    Pray for us.
    I will update after court.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain. Your son's behavior is very much like how my son has behaved. I don't have the answer. I can tell you that he is chosing to behave like this. I can also tell you that trying to protect him from the consequences would be a bad idea. He will not benefit from any program until he accepts that it is his actions that set things good or bad into motion.
  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    When my son was placed out of my home, he was a ward of the state. I was still a part of the equation. I was allowed to see him and I did have input into his treatment. It can be a good thing. The first program he was in was excellent. My son made progress while he was there. Drugs and bad company were his undoing when he got out.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  11. kt4394

    kt4394 Member

    Thanks, again, everyone. We are working with his lawyer to get the services he needs. I did put in a request for IEP evaluation, but they are dragging their feet. It's especially difficult because I work there. His lawyer has read between the lines that they don't really think he would be eligible because his is not an academic disability. On top of that , we are trying to arrange neuropsychologist testing and the psychologist says we should try to get the private evaluation first because it's more extensive. So, I have been sort of letting them push me off.
    We just got back from court. His criminal charges are being heard on June 17th. Lawyer says charges will probably be dismissed PROVIDED he stays out of trouble til then. That will be left to see. I hope he can.
    The CRA is in place, but we retain custody with DCF services. We go back September 23rd. He has to follow all required services (counseling and programs) and rules. He and his lawyer set up a list of goals that he has to meet. He needs to finish his make up work, find a job and/or volunteer, follow house rules and cufews, participate in counseling, stop smoking pot.
    I hope this rattled him. I hope he wakes up. I don't know that I believe it did, but I am hoping and praying.
    Day one back from court. I'm just trying it one at a time. I will be updating.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I did not know that you could get DCF involved. I felt helpless when my son was 15 and so out of control. No one even mentioned that option to us. He did have a juvenile probation officer at that time also.

    I also worked at a school and if a parent requested an IEP evaluation, it is supposed to be done within a certain amount of time. I cannot remember how long but I know my district took those requests VERY seriously and act on them immediately. My son had one done over the summer in fact after he was expelled.

    Prior to this happening to him I was the Registrar at another high school and the secretary for the team that decided how to handle troubled kids, placement etc. Imagine that.

    It really sounds like you have everything in place that you can possibly have in place so good job!
  13. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I have a friend who had to send her daughter to "scared straight program." I don't know if it was court ordered or not, but she ended up sending her to Hawaii, so her daughter couldn't run away. She was there for quite some time, and it did her a lot of good. She is now a restaurant owner and momma to a little girl.

    I think sometimes our kids who are in it deep need to be forced out to learn how difficult it can be without their parents backing them up. I think if J had started his shenanigans before he was 18, I might of had to send him to something like that.