Lost and confused

[crazymama30]

husband is getting worse. He sleeps 8-16 hours a day, when he sleeps. Constantly snaps at myself and kids. Will not leave the house unless I can somehow force him. He does do housework, that doesn't require he leaves the house. He cannot work due to pain, and if he would do the paperwork we have ins. to cover his truck payment, but he will not do that. Will not make MD appts, will not make a psychiatrist appointment. I realize he is very depressed and having lots of pain, but I cannot live this way, and he won't leave. I have considered moving me and the kids out and selling the house (his name is not on the deed) but I hate to do that. If we split, I will have to either move in with mom for help with kids, or quit college. I really do not know what to do. I am so tired him being asleep when I get home from work. He is up all night playing computer games. If we split, he will lose his health ins. I told him I am getting tired of this, he needs to call a psychiatrist. I am so worn out, I cannot even care. I cannot get too involved in all this as he misses appts freq and has been fired by a dentist for this. I do not want him seeing anyone who difficult child may need to see, as he may burn bridges for difficult child.


Sorry so long. :sad:

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Big hugs}}} to you, I'm sorry things are so tough right now. How do you think husband would react to an ultimatum that he seeks treatment or he leaves? I'd hate for it to come to that, but it may be what it takes.

 

[DammitJanet]

What are his pain issues? I ask because I also have a combo of pain and bipolar issues and you really could be describing me on about 50 percent of my days. It is a huge struggle for me to DO anything. My pain problems even prevent me from doing much in the way of housework. I do maybe one or two small items at a time and then Im wiped. I also tend to be up all nite.

It sounds like your husband may have bipolar. Getting someone to accept treatment is difficult. The one thing I look forward to each week is my therapy appointment. Do you think he might just be so depressed he cant see a way out? Maybe if he realized that getting help could lessen the pain and the depression it would help. There are ways.

 

[crazymama30]

I do not know if it would work, he won't leave, and I do not have funds to see an attorney. How do you force someone to leave? This sounds awful, but I have a weekend planned with my mom and sister to go to the coast, and if I do anything now I can't go.

If we split, he will either couch surf, or be homeless. I do not want his kids to see him like that, an he will tell them it is my fault. His truck is due to be reposessed Friday if he does nothing, and I am going to let it. I cannot afford to pay the payments anyways. I will buy him another vehicle, but it won't be much. I am so tired of being the only adult. We are a 1 1/2 parent household.

I do not know where else to vent to. I really do not want to complain to my mom, as she will worry herself to death. She knows some, but not all the details. I just do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about this. I feel kinda anonymous on the site, safe.

 

[crazymama30]

DJ-We do not know what is causing his pain. We are trying to find that out, and I do think he is so depressed that he does not see a way out. I have tried to let him know that if you treat the emotional issues, it can help the physical. Sometimes he seems to get it, and other times "I am telling him what to do" and "the pain is not in his head" I have NEVER said that. He has issues with authority, and if he thinks I am telling him what to do, he wil not even consider it. I suggested he see a pain specialist, he lied to me and said he had an appointment, I took time off to go, for nothing. I do not think I expect him to do much, I just want him to try to find what is going on with him, make appts. I cannot do this and will not as I work 50-65 hrs a week and go to school 1/2 time.

 

[VLong]

This is just me thinking out loud, but what about a home health nurse? I used to work for a home health company and the nurses and aides would visit people who couldn't or wouldn't leave their homes. Sometimes people think that they only visit the elderly and such, but we had a wide variety of ages and genders. I would talk to his primary (if he has one) doctor and see if you could arrange for a home visit or just call some home health agencies in your area to see if they could just come out and do an evaluation.

Vicki

 

[crazymama30]

VLong- This made me smile, thank you. I work for a home health agency. husband would never talk to a stranger, or even a friend for that matter. He is very antipeople, this would not work. Thank you for the thought tho.

 

[VLong]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is so frustrating when someone you love is seemingly not wanting to help himself. I say, don't give him a choice. Make the appointment. and what can he do? He certainly won't walk out of his own home would he? I agree that you have to treat the emotional as well as physical, but to do that he is going to have to see someone, sometime. If he wants to act like a child, treat him like one. Don't give him an option and ignore his complaints or whatever may come from making an appointment for him.

 

[Sunlight]

you are going to have to take serious action to get him help. ask him to get an appointment or move out. you are not his caretaker. he is going to drag you down. why buy him another car???

you are codependent, thinking he cannot survive without you. that is not a marriage.

give him an ultimatum to go to a doctor this week or get out. he will drag the kids down too as they are not blind to what he is doing.

my husb of 32 yrs acted a lot like that a lot of the time. I finally went to a psychologist myself who told me to get out of it. I wish I had done it much sooner!
the pain could be psychsomatic as it turned out to be for my ex. he would complain of leg pain, back pain and exhaustion.

this will not end until you say so. you can still help him and love him but the example he is setting for the kids and you is not good.

 

[Lothlorien]

I agree with ant'smom....you need to tell him that he either has to do something to make himself well or he needs to find other living arrangements. You aren't his caretaker. He is not an infant. He is not a child.

You should not have to move out or sell your own home, because he can't get his life together. He needs to be motivated and leaving him in the house to fend for himself is not going to motivate him. The ultimatum of get help or get out might. If it doesn't than you have no other choice but to make him find other living arrangements. You cannot live this way.

The problem is that you don't think you have the strength to do this.....Find it within you to do it. You can. You need to.

Hugs.

 

[crazymama30]

I am buying the car for him so he can take the kids places when I cannot. It is not much. I do think he can survive without me, but will not function in a semi normal or healthy way. I know I need to do something, I just have not figured out what. I do not make good decisions when I am angry or do not think over the decision. Part of my dilemma is how to make a spouse "move out" if they are not willing? I need to figure out if I have any type of legal standing. I would also need to have custody things in place so he could not take the kids. I have some planning to do. Maybe legal aid could help, but I heard they only help in divorce cases where both parties are in agreement.

 

[mom_in_training]

Geeze Crazymama, I too agree with what Ant'smom said, You have to take a stand. He is an adult man that seriously needs to man-up and stop acting liking a child. You think that he can't survive without you, I don't know about that. Its a gamble but you just may be surprised about what he might accomplish if he has no other choice but to do something about his behavior. Reading your post reminds me of what allot of people here deal with everyday, A troubled difficult child that in some cases is not cooperating with any of the treatment options or therapy that is provided or is available to them. I am sorry that you are having to go through this and I hope that you can encourage him to do the right thing for you, The kids and himself and get the help that he needs. Its sad that people choose to wallow in their own pity. My son is severely disabled and he has no choice as far as having to have a 24/7 caretaker (Me) to adhere to his every need. Sometimes I think to myself that he does want it to be different but he has no voice considering that he cannot communicate verbally with me. My point being is that you have a physically abled adult man that for whatever reason is choosing to not make a difference for himself and his family. Its unfortunate that we at times have to put our foot down and say "Hey this is not acceptable" and demand that that person start taking responsibilty for their disfunctional choices by getting the help that they need.

 

[Sunlight]

dont get ahead of yourself. just take one step.
tell him to make a doctor appointment for this week. today. tell him if he doesnt follow thru you are going to take steps to help yourself and the kids.

 

[crazymama30]

First of all, thank you for your support. I was in a very bad place yesterday, and today is better. husband did call psychiatrist, then was worried as to how we would pay for evaluation. Somewhere near 300-400$. I told him it is covered under my flex acct. He also followed up on the ins to cover his truck payment, and called the doctor about signing those papers. He is supposed to follow up on both these tommorrow. Baby steps. Maybe this is working. I know he needs help, and I do to. I just do not know when I would have time. For now I will have you here, as long as you guys can put up with me, and my coast trip Friday. Woo hoo, time to play and have fun.

 

[Lothlorien]

Glad to hear that he is taking some steps to make things better. I'm glad you are in a better place too. Don't be sorry for reaching out to us. That's what we are here for.

 

[pepperidge]

HI have you had any contact with the county mental health people?
What you describe to me sounds like a possible suicide risk particularly if give an ultimatum. Just thinking that maybe the county mental health people would have an about how you go about getting him out of your house if it should come to that. Also possibly about hospitalizing if he gets to a totally nonfunctioning point.

Do you think he will be honest with teh psychiatrist? Wonder if the psychiatrist would see you, not for him to tell you about your husband, but for you to give the psychiatrist an idea of what is on your mind...

 

[crazymama30]

He did go see a psychiatrist years ago, but it was a psychologist, who then wanted him to see a psychiatrist to get medications. He never followed thru. That doctor had me make an appointment to come talk about husband. He is most likely a suicide risk, at times. I do not believe he would commit suicide, as his brother did. He would not want to put the kids thru that. Yes, I know this is a huge red flag as is his family history. He does love the kids a lot, but has problems showing emotion due to his abusive childhood. This gets more complicated than you guys want to know. For now I will push gently.