Meltdown after ISS notice

[TerryJ2]

Well, it's done.

difficult child was really angry with-me yesterday. The principal informed him of the ISS because he hadn't fulfilled his contract. Defeatest that he is, he insists he's going to be in ISS for the rest of the yr, because he just knows he'll forget something else on the contract, such as showing the principal his planner every Friday.
We told him he could be out of it by Thurs. afternoon.

He said he's not going to school for the rest of the yr. I asked him what he hoped to accomplish by that. He said he didn't care.

He screamed and yelled at me for an entire hr. His life is a mess and it's my fault. It's MY fault that the police came to begin with (What? He finally realized it had to do with-the neighbors) but it's MY fault that the next time they come, they will take him to juvie because 3 strikes and you're out, and I called them the 2nd time. All he was doing was trying to TALK to me and I called the police! And "You know I didn't mean it when I threatened to kill you!"

Okay, so, he finally got that all out of his system, except that he said I convinced husband to agree to the ISS (like he can't think on his own) and only slightly blamed the principal. I pointed out to him that there is a pattern in his behavior and that is what we are basing our opinions on.

He insisted there was no pattern, and I asked if he knew what a pattern was, and he yelled, "YES!" and drew lines in every other square of his school planner to prove it to me, LOL!

One of the items on the contract list is a missing set of science flash cards. I told him he needs to re-write them. There are only 10 or so. He insisted it wasn't fair but I said it was the most expedient thing to do.

I also told him he could earn computer time (we'd taken away the TV antenna and the computer mouse) if he completed his book report. He finally decided to do that, so he finished hand writing it, then typed in the first paragraph.

Whew.

After dinner, husband wanted to talk about it and difficult child did not want to talk, so we pretty much went over the whole thing all over again.

In the end, he mumbled that he would just have to live through the next two days.

WOO HOO! We finally got through to him. It's just two days. And it's from "your" behavior, not ours.
I KNOW all the work will be done. It's easy stuff. It's all about his attitude. He will earn back the TV antenna and the mouse.

I have to admit, I was stressed, had two glasses of wine, and went to bed at 8:45. (This, on top of my cousin being released from rehab this wk and it's up to me to find home care that she will allow into her apt. Last time, she refused them, and of course, she fell again.)

 

['Chelle]

Oh I hated those days of it all being my fault. It was my fault my difficult child was in the school program he hated, the teacher's and I decided it. Nope had nothing to do with his behavior at school. It was my fault he hit the wall and put a hole in it, I made him mad by making him have to do his school work. I know that his improvement coincided a lot with him starting to admit that where he was and what happened in his life was because of his choices, he actually admitted that to his therapist and I. Hope your difficult child "gets it" too.

 

[Star*]

Terry,

When we experienced the "Nothing is owned by me" behaviors on a minute to minute basis? I think I remember wondering what I would look like at 40 - perhaps bald? Most definitely bald, with bags under my eyes and an ulcer, gray hairs on my hag head hair-do and frumpy - I wanted frumpy. The frumpier the better - it was my "Look what you have done to me" look and I deserved every wrinkle and mismatched outfit.

We barely survived - lol. I had no idea that Department of Juvenile Justice and county jail ever changed my son's life. He has always been so closed up (unless it was to blame everyone around him for his life and situations). When he admitted in a meeting recently with powers that be - he admitted very honestly that he's been with kids who were planning to steal in a store and walked out, called for a ride. He told them they could do what they wanted but he's also on his possible third strike - jail for life (if convicted of the attempted burglary trial to come). So imagine OUR surpise as parents when he said "And I have no one to blame but myself." I literally had to hold the table to keep from falling out of the chair and looking like I was going to have a full on heart attack from shock.

SOMETHINGS DO GET THROUGH WITH PERSISTANCE.....

Despite 2 or 10 glasses of wine - BRAVO MOM!!!!!!!!!!!! Very proud of you!
Also proud of difficult child for trying.....some days that's all these kids have to feel good about - and the more they try - really the better they feel. They just don't know it yet.

.....this coming from the Mother of the KING of defeatest attitudes and self-sabotage.

Hugs!
Star

 

[Ropefree]

I am sorry...I seem to have forgotten the gest of the episode...my eyeballs started spining and my lips have been tracing that brilliant "take away the mouse"....
How much wine do you have to drink exactly to get THAT sharp inspiration?
What kind? Year?
Did you check out the offerings at A Place for Mom website? They have accredited
lists of in home care people and they will stay on board to help. Its free and it is so convinent to just dail and talk rather than track all the leads down.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you had to be the target of his rage/tantrum for so long. I remember those times, almost word for word from Wiz' mouth.

I tink it is very good that the principal told him about ISS rather than sending a letter or letting you &/or husband do it. Isn't it strange how it is always the mom who "made" dad agree to whatever? It seems that no matter what, Dad never gets the blame (credit?) for this kind of thing, and that MOM is an all-powerful being who makes all the things happen.

don't you wish you really WERE that powerful?? Heck, I can't keep one 15 lb cat off the table (I just wash it off over and over), much less make my much larger hubby do anything!

 

[KTMom91]

Terry...hugs. I hated those days when I was responsible for the misery of the entire western hemisphere, but specifically for any and all of Miss KT's particular problems.

Pour the wine...I'll bring crackers. Who has cheese?

 

[house of cards]

How can 2 different kids in 2 different families have the same thought processes?? I get the school planner behavior and the "I DON'T CARE" stuff, who does he think he is hurting??

It is really messed up how you can find humor in some of this stuff but I do as well, like last night when my 3 yo erased a game on a video system and my Major yelled at him and then began banging his head on the wall, then thrashing and kicking down on the floor while my 3 yo was crying and saying "I'm sorry" ( the humor comes from knowing I will be dealing with very similar things with little M and the game was going to be shut off in 15 minutes anyway and all data lost, it was such a little issue. My reality is just so far removed from normal and seeing it painted out so clearly with the 2 of them despairing together yet apart was too much.)

So, look at it this way...you could have more then one, LOL, count your blessings

 

[totoro]

Well of course it is your fault! You are the Mom! Sorry it is so tough and because he loves you and feels safe, you are the one that gets all of the BS.

We started letting K and N know, in a nice way, that EVERYTHING is ours! Not theirs, but Mom and Dad's.
They are a part of this family, but Dad works very hard to pay for this stuff and let's them have a room. It is OUR room and can stay in it as long as they follow the rules.
The *stuff* is our *stuff* ALL of IT!
We are the bosses, we will work with them on decisions and making family choices etc. But we own everything and make all of the rules.
K was OK with this, N was a bit um, taken aback!
So now if they are not showing that they are responsible enough or taking care of something. We take back our (stuffed animal, for example) and tell them they can have it back when they can take care of our toys.
They are allowed to have them and use them and play with them. But they will lose them if they are not treated well.
K lost her scissors and crayons without supervision. She was cutting her clothes and drawing on the floor and bed.
She lost her door also before.
We told her they were ours and she was treating them the way she should, dangerous and ruining our room.

We keep it as mostly it is a family but if it comes to a showdown... Dad works his butt off, Dad is taking his things back!
It works for the most part. Even things they bought with allowance, because we gave it to them. Or we let someone give them something....You can put your own spin on it.

Just an idea

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all. I know I'm in good company.

We used to take away the entire computer and monitor, and the TV, and put them in the garage. One day, difficult child looked at us like we were idiot aliens, and in a moment of clarity, said, "Why don't you just take away the mouse and the antenna?"
ROFL.
So, my back is much better now.

There's a bit of wine left in the bottle and I left a tiny bit of cheese. It will go well with-the spaghetti I'm making tonight.

The principal emailed and said difficult child was doing well so far today.

I bet he finishes his paper tonight ...

Just to add another twist, he sees his new psychiatrist on the 10th. His birthday. "MOM! NOT on my birthday!":wildone:

husband and I had a good laugh about that. We're just triyng to load him up with-good stories to tell at frat parties when he gets into college. They can try to top one another with-"Mom Horror Stories." He just doesn't appreciate it right now.

 

[Jena]

Terry -

I know it can be such a struggle, and yes It's all your fault your the Mom as long as you accept that it's all good!!!

A famous actress once said everytime my daughter and I argue I toss a quarter (this was long ago) into a jar so that she can go to therapy when she gets older to tell the therapist how it's all my fault.

Your doing such a good job and trying so very hard. Good for you for sticking with it all and staying so focused and strong.

Was it red or white wine?? Red's the best, two glasses and I slur; it's quite funny. yet tonight I"m slurring with-o any wine. Total exhaustion.

Oh and I wish you luck with your cousin, you have alot going on it's good of you to do that as well when your in the middle of all of this.

(((hugs)))

 

[lizzie09]

its 7.50am in Ireland. I so enjoyed these posts and sympathised with them at the same time because whether its the normal ones or the difficult children us mums are ALWAYS to balme...right now I am fed up with this.
Wish I could drinkl the wine but I get whoozy so quick and feel lousy all of the next day I have to leave it!
Well done to you all..someday we might get our points across.
The respect for the house bits are great....I should have started that tactic years ago!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Ah Terry.

I've not been on much so I am just catching up. I am forever amazed by your tenacity. I can't think of a thing to tell you to do that you have not already tried.

Keeping you guys in my prayers.