Something I meant to suggest to you in my last post - check out the website
www.childbrain.com. They have a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire there which is worth you doing. It might help, as something else to list your concerns. It's not officially diagnostic but you can print it out and take it to a doctor for a professional opinion.
Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), by the way, is the umbrella term which covers autism as well as Asperger's and another similar condition, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified (Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) Not Otherwise Specified).
As for your mother - drop the topic for now if she refuses to accept that there could be a problem. This is remarkably common. He is her grandson, of course he can do no wrong. She would rather believe you're being attacked by your partner, than believe it could be her perfect darling. Your partner - she has no emotional investment in him that can compare with her investment in you and your children.
Give it time. I had the same problem with mother in law. My parents and father in law had died before difficult child 3 was diagnosed. mother in law just didn't want to know about any problems. When I was going through a really emotional time after difficult child 3 was born, I couldn't tell my in-laws anything about seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. I had to keep it secret from them.
Recently we had both difficult child 3 and easy child 2/difficult child 2 seen for regular sessions with psychologists. mother in law was very scathing on the topic. She doesn't distinguish between psychologists & psychiatrists, sees them all as dangerous quacks who will make your problems worse, not better. But she lives so close to us that some things are impossible to hide.
What has eventually helped mother in law understand - first, seeing a lot more of him. She has minded him a few times. of course, there are times when his bad behaviour has been blamed on my bad parenting, same story with the other kids. sister in law, I remember, was really unpleasant about easy child 2/difficult child 2 at times, when she apparently broke the rules she had laid down. sister in law simply had not been specific and easy child 2/difficult child 2 had found a loophole in her instructions. sister in law said she was being insolent to use a loophole; easy child 2/difficult child 2 thought she was doing nothing wrong, she had been obedient.
When difficult child 3 was being assessed, I took him myself, or husband & I went together. At a later stage when we were referred to a multidisciplinary team at a children's hospital, I took mother in law with me. She was pleased I asked her and feeling a bit uncomfortable as there were psychologists there as well as a social worker and a pediatrician. Instead of just being an observer, mother in law was in the room with us all and was asked her opinions too. Later we sat in the next room and watched through one-way mirror as difficult child 3 was given a psychometric assessment. he failed it. mother in law was scathing about the test procedure which made no account of his language delay. If the questions had been given in writing, difficult child 3 would have been able to answer. But he just didn't have the language or the understanding to follow verbal instructions.
As a result, their assessment of him was very pessimistic. "Mild to moderate autism spectrum disorder. He will never attend a mainstream school; he will not even be ready for a Special Education placement until six years old, at which time he must be legally placed in a school somewhere. Poor prognosis."
Because of this report we had a few more doors open and got a lot more support in terms of IEP when he did start school.
We were offered a place in an autism satellite class. This was attached to a mainstream primary school but the satellite class contained only autistic kids, aged between 4 and 7. There were only six kids, maximum, in the class, with at least two trained Special Education teachers plus an aide. They asked if we wanted to met them and have a look at the class. mother in law & I went there, taking difficult child 3 with us. mother in law didn't want difficult child 3 to go to a special class "with problem kids" and I must admit, I didn't want it either, for a lot of reasons. This school was too far from our home and difficult child 3 was not a good traveller. difficult child 3 also was into chasing any birds he saw on the ground, would charge through a crowd to set in flight pigeons or seagulls. The school grounds had flocks of seagulls and was unfenced close to a main road.
With hindsight, he probably should have gone to this school, but my concerns may have been justified, it could have been a disaster. But maybe I should have tried it. Still, it was my decision, not mother in law's influence on me.
With all this, mother in law has come to accept the diagnosis. She is still resentful that her grandsons are not perfect, but no longer blames me for it. I can understand her resentment, I share it myself at times. But she has also seen the wonderful improvement we have had as we learn more and as difficult child 3 gets more capable. And the other two, as well.
sister in law now has seen this too. She sees how we handle difficult child 3 now (using "Explosive Child" methods) and marvels at how I can keep difficult child 3 in order, and how he's a really great kid these days (a bit too frank at times, but loving and gentle). He's come an amazing distance since he was 3.
If your mother is prepared to disbelieve you when you tell her about the holes - then anything else you can say will also be disbelieved. it's easier for her to believe you are lying, than to accept that her grandson is a problem.
At some stage in the future, AFTER your son has been assessed and diagnosed, set up an appointment where she comes along too and can ask questions. If your mother argues with you about a diagnosis, don't argue back. Just tell her to take her concerns to the doctor herself. Let the doctor make it clear to her, then it's between her and the doctor, you're no longer the meat in the sandwich.
I spend a lot of time in company with mother in law. We don't agree on a lot of things, including politics. She is a very opinionated person at times and I've learned to say sometimes, "We need to agree to differ," and change the subject. We get on well because I won't engage on contentious topics. I have my own mental list of topics I can raise, which will set her off on a hobby horse chatting about something that won't ruffle feathers.
With the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire, if by chance your mother sees it and disagrees with it, you could get her to do the test on him. Sounds like she doesn't know him well enough, though. But if she accuses you of deliberately seeing your son in a bad light so he can get a positive score for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), then you can show her how every question has the categories of possible answers very carefully defined. Besides, if you are incorrect then it's going to be done again later by a professional anyway, who will work it out for themselves. It's not in your interests to make stuff up.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that your mother is correct. It's not your son putting holes everywhere, it's your partner. Your son is a perfect angel and tis is all your way of covering for your partner.
So what happens to your lie as your son gets older? A three year old (not to mention a capable five year old) will be able to tell the truth, in detail. If not now, then very soon. For you to build up such an elaborate, potentially damaging (to your son) lie, is to set yourself up for spectacular failure, to come in a few short months. If your mother is correct and this is your lie, then you will have egg on your face very soon. No sensible person would do this. You would, in such a situation, be reluctant to talk to the doctor about it, rather than willing to find someone who can help. The more professionals get involved, the greater the risk that a lie like this would be exposed.
I think it just shows how scared she is, that you might be right. It's a truth she just can''t handle yet, so don't try to make her.
It's a pity, you could do with her support right now, but if all she can say is hurtful to you and not helpful, don't try to engage her.
It's highly likely she will come round. it may take as long as a few years, but she will not be able to live in denial for too long, not if she wants to stay in contact.
IN the meantime, you need support. You will have to find it elsewhere for now, at least where your son is concerned.
Forget the housework. Sleep when he sleeps. Keep him fed and rested, meet his needs as quickly and effectively as you can, and rest. Find some games you can play with him to help him, such as sitting on the floor and rolling a ball to each other (it teaches sharing). Don't push him to do anything he can't handle. Meanwhile, try to keep his mind stimulated. If there is something he likes to do, sit beside him and you do it too, even if it's just banging a saucepan with a wooden spoon. You have your saucepan, he has his. Meet him where he is at.
difficult child 3 was obsessed with letters and numbers, so I labelled everything in the house. I let him use an old computer, with some software on it that drilled him in number recognition and letter recognition. I wrote down on big sheets of paper, the words he could read or needed to know, and put them into an old photo album so he could turn the pages easily. I would write the word and draw a matching picture. Sometimes we would read them together and we would find the object and touch it, as we read the word. It all stimulated his bran and stopped him from being bored.
A shapes game - I got him to post shapes into a toy (you know the sort) and I would name the shape as he posted it. Soon I could say, "find the circle," or "find the pentagon," and he could find it. Lots of praise helped.
At 3, I let him into the toilet with me. He was too young to be concerned about what he saw, and he did begin to get the idea of what a toilet is for. Often he would wander back outside once he had reassured himself that I wasn't going anywhere.
I'm wondering if your son is feeling very insecure... if he's afraid of you disappearing. There are various stages of mental development that kids are supposed to go through, but autistic kids go through these stages differently. A baby, for example, learns fairly early that as a ball rolls down a ramp and rolls behind a screen, that the ball will soon reappear lower down as it comes out from behind the screen. Once that happens it's a short logical jump to, "My mother is in the next room. She still exists, even though I cannot see her. She will return, or I can go to the next room and find her there."
With autism, these stages of development (among other things) can also get skewed. They DO get there, but often by a different route or at different times. And yet in some other areas they can be way ahead. difficult child 3 was counting up to triple figures, forwards and backwards, at 2 years old. But he wasn't communicating in other ways.
Go see your doctor when you can, get some rest in the meantime.
hang in there, we're here.
Marg