I'm glad the balloon ride went off well.
Shari, even in family that are happy together, you don't USE others the way she is using you guys.
First - in OUR family, when we were agisting cattle for brother in law, he "paid" for it by helping when it was time to move ALL the in-calf heifers to the yard. He also shared the AI bill and any other expenses. Later on, my parents moved to a country beach-side cottage with no mod cons. It belonged to brother in law and sister, my parents lived there rent-free but my father 'paid' the rent by fixing the place up. brother in law paid for the materials, my dad did the building work. He installed a bathroom, repaired the roof, fixed the outside toilet so you had some privacy - a lot of stuff. It was a business arrangement but it was also between friends.
husband & I borrowed money from my parents to buy our place. Even though I was on good terms with my parents, my dad still drew up the agreement details in a formal letter. We hadn't paid him back before he and my mother died, and I wasn't surprised to find the loan mentioned in the will and that amount deducted from my inheritance. Nor do I think I was the only one of my siblings dealing with this - but if there were others, my brother who was executor kept it confidential. I wasn't at all upset by this - it meant that the division of property was fair and my father had made sure that it would be so.
Family and friends should have business arrangements in place just as readily as people who have no other connection. A business arrangement can be on a handshake or it can be more formal. Even what my father did - putting it in a letter - is OK. by the way, the agreement was in the same envelope as a chatty note form my mother. Good old dad, saving postage as well!
Your mother in law gets free agistment. She also has interfered in her grandson's cattle-raising by moving his heifer without arrangement or permission - that is taking liberties. Technically, it's cattle rustling. Bushranging.
I have a question about mother in law's cows - do you have a bull? If so, can you charge stud fees? You certainly should.
Serious suggestion - sit and calculate the market value of what she is getting out of your farm. Do the sums at current commercial rates.
I mean, crikey - if you had a problem with grass getting out of control, it might be different. We had neighbours who asked us to get some sheep, so we could run our sheep in their paddock. They had a political reason for the paddock to be in farming use but didn't have the time and energy to do it themselves, so we did it happily. We kept their grass down and made sure the paddock wasn't seen as lying empty for the taking. I have no doubt my father made sure they never were disadvantaged by it.
If you have no bull, how do you get your cows in calf? AI, or do you have a handy bull you borrow?
We had a stud bull in the paddock next door to us. It was a fabulous beast, but the farmer neglected him horribly. I think he had grandiose plans to make money from stud fees, but did absolutely nothing with that bull. The poor thing was just left in the paddock. At least there was plenty of grass, and flowing water from the creek to drink. The fences were in a very sad state as well. So of course it was no surprise when the fence between our paddocks finally broke enough to let this bull in with our cow. (I think it had taken my brother in law - another brother in law - hours to make the fence fall down properly). The bull got in with our cow and the end result was an amazing calf, absolutely huge and red, like his father. We had to get him slaughtered less than a year later, because he was STILL suckling even though he was the same size as his mother. My sister has the tanned hide carpetting her living room. OK, it's a small living room, but not THAT small! The hide was way too big to be used as a bedspread, even on a king-sized bed.
But I digress.
I wonder - what would happen with mother in law's cows, if they either got pregnant when they shouldn't (to any old rubbish) or didn't get pregnant when they should?
We also had our cattle nicked at one time; got 'em back because we found them ourselves and were able to prove ownership because of the brand. It's a hazard, when your animals are agisted - thieves assume the animal in a paddock miles from anywhere, won't be missed.
Seriously - next time mother in law tries to charge you for services, present her with a matching bill for your services. If you've got it prepared well in advance, you can be ready on the spot for her.
From what you describe, she sounds like she just doesn't have a clue, socially. I'm wondering about Asperger's or similar. If this is the case - she's not doing it to be vindictive, she's just totally clueless and has given up trying to fit in. And people let her get away with it, mostly because they're too gobsmacked when confronted with the apparently blatant disregard for anyone else. Aspies CAN learn to be much more socially aware and sensitive than this. But if they've never been challenged, never been taught - how would they know?
Your daughter's new clothes - I still would have removed the clothes (to chaff bags in the shed?) and made her earn them by cleaning up her room, as you had told her. And if ANYONE (either daughter or mother in law) complains about it, then this is the consequence for going clothes shopping when it had been forbidden. No other new clothes to be bought either, until the mother in law ones have been earned back, first. If mother in law bought clothes that daughter hadn't really wanted - too bad, she shouldn't have allowed mother in law to buy them for her. Consequences, again.
Ooooh, I'm mean! But sometimes you have to be, if yo don't want your authority undermined.
husband has to step up to the plate. It sounds to me like he grew up learning to tiptoe around his mother, and placate her. Sounds like she's got people well-trained to do this, all around her.
He needs to stand up, and maybe the possible Aspie label can make it easier for him. After all, she IS his mother, he can't feel about her the way you do.
Let him know that from here on, the relationship must be equitable and on your terms. If she really is Aspie, she will accept and use the rules, if they are consistent. Even if she doesn't like them - she would probably respect them. But she will test the boundaries again and again, hoping that they're not really rules but just suggestions (rules don't break; suggestions do). So if you tell mother in law, "No buying stuff for our daughter until we give permission," then follow through with making it get taken back, and she does this again (sneaks in and puts it away) then confiscate it from BOTH of them until your rules are complied with.
If she REALLY won't back off, then take them to an op-shop somewhere. Make it clear - you mean it.
If necessary, put it in writing, even if it's just in a short informal note. "Hi, mother in law. You offered to buy new clothes for easy child 2 and that is very kind of you. However, we were going to take her clothes shopping as soon as she has made space for new clothes by cleaning out her wardrobe of all the things she has outgrown. She needs to learn these lessons in management and thrift, so thank you, but please do not do this right now, not until she has met her end of the bargain."
After receiving a note like this there would be absolutely no recourse for mother in law, when you ask her to take the clothes back, or later confiscate them. You did warn her, in writing.
Be prepared to have to do things this way for a while at least, until you have got her back under control (from your point of view). It might seem a hassle, but it's got to be worth it if it means she either backs off, or it gives you the legal right to take the action you will then need to take.
And do phrase the notes pleasantly, even if firmly. It means that she can't get you into trouble by showing the notes to anyone else. All anyone else should see from your notes, is your honest and fair communication in a pleasant and non-confrontational way.
It works.
Marg