mother in law Update

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Jul 4, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I believe...............Dr Ego has come down off his high horse, or cloud nine, or where ever he resides.

    I spent the holiday in the ER once again with mother in law. Not surprising as I'd spent friday with mother in law having the same syptoms only worse at asissted living. However I was able to speak with the nurse on duty, very smart woman, and give her the heads up. mother in law was under strict orders not to attempt to get up at all without staff assistance. Call was put into Dr Ego.

    I watched Darrin and Brandon last night as easy child had to work. Although it was under the condition that she would have to leave work should I get a call that mother in law had either grown worse or some such.

    As luck would have it, it was one of those nights where husband just doesn't let me sleep. (and he wonders why most of the time I wait to go to bed until he gets up for the day :faint: ) easy child was scheduled to pick up the boys in the morning and take them to their new sitters. She'd asked me to watch them over night because she didn't want to start Darrin off with a sitter he didn't know over night. Nichole had agreed to get up early with the boys, knowing my sleep issues.

    At around 6 ish I had finally drifted off to sleep. (husband had left the bed by then) At 7 am husband shook me awake and I vaguely recall him telling me mother in law had fallen and dialed 911 and was on her way to the ER. I went back to sleep. Nichole sent Darrin and Aubrey to attempt to wake me. They usually have better luck. lol Nope. I have a vague memory of sending them downstairs. But somewhere along the line it finally registered in my brain that mother in law was at the ER. So I got up.

    On about an hour sleep I wasn't heading to the hospital without at least 1 cup of coffee down me. I'd no more than got up and husband called, said they'd xrayed mother in law and were sending her home. Now folks, don't mess with me on an hour sleep and no coffee. I am not a nice person. So I growled into the phone to get his arse back into the ER, corner the nurse, and inform her mother in law was going nowhere, and to call Dr Ego, that I was on my way.:mad:

    I am seething by the time I reach the ER. husband knows me well and points to the nurse once I enter the unit. I head right for her and ask her what in hades is going on. (no I wasn't at all nice about it) She points to husband and says she already explained it to him. I said Oh goody for you, now explain it to ME. He's a man and doesn't count, nor does he have a clue as to what you're talking about. So nurse, who was a wee bit to snotty for my taste, said mother in law had xrays that came back ok, blood work ok and was going back to assisted living. I said oh, no she isn't. When nurse figured out I wasn't backing down, she said she'd get the doctor on duty.

    I stepped out to call sister in law. Wanted to let her know what was going on so she could lit a fire under doctor Ego's arse from her end if need be. She told me she had faith in my temper and keep her advised if the situation. LOL

    ER doctor is new, but nice enough, and to give her credit, she listened to what I had to say. Ordered a CT scan and more blood work. In other words.........ignored mother in law's age, and frimping did her job as she would have for a younger person with the same symptoms. And I told her, did not ask her, that mother in law would not be going anywhere until Dr Ego had been spoken to and it was on his word.

    CT scan came back clear, blood work normal.

    Meanwhile mother in law is a mess. She is so weak she can barely speak. Legs are numb again. B/P is normal range and so are O2 stats. She can't stay conscious.

    Next thing we know Dr Ego is on his way. The man left his holiday celebration to come in and check on mother in law in person and to speak with us. By now I'm beginning to think perhaps doctor ego has a heart afterall.

    So now we know exactly what is going on. Not TIA's, no strokes. At least nothing that is showing up. Not even the sodium thing. mother in law was so adiment that she was ready to die before being hospitalized last week and that she only wanted to be comfortable that doctor ego had taken her seriously.

    He had increased her pain medications, while removing any medication that prolonged life. She is now only on medications to keep her comfortable. Which of course is fine with us. Problem is, as doctor ego stated it......the woman is on enough pain medications to knock a lumberjack out cold. While she was in hospital he had attempted to cut it back, those were the times we found her more like herself except in excruciating pain. But due to the pain level and her request, he had returned to the increased dose. The numbess she's been having he believes to be caused by a pinched nerve or nerves brought on by spine degeneration and the way she has to hoist herself around in order to move. Not really anything can be done for that cuz she won't allow it.

    mother in law hasn't eaten in 2 days. She only takes sips of water. She wants to die. She is willing herself to die. She doesn't even want to take part in decision making. Didn't even care she was going to the nursing home. Which is where she was transported. The same one she was in back in March.

    doctor Ego said he'd like to see mother in law rally around. But that he doesn't think it's going to happen this time. She's given up. And I agree with him. But it is so sad to see her this way.:(

    Sister in law is sticking to her plan to come up in 2 wks to empty out mother in law's house. It looks as if we'll be emptying out her room at assisted living as well. Sister in law sees no reason at this point to change those plans. I told her we would notify her if mother in law's condition gets worse. They're having trouble making arrangements to get here in 2 wks as it is......I see no reason at this point to make it worse for them.

    Assisted living states they can care for mother in law at nursing home level. Maybe they can. But honestly, they don't have the staff to back up that claim. mother in law fell because she didn't bother to call anyone when she got up to go to the bathroom. She crawled to the phone to call 911 herself.

    This time in nursing home, mother in law will have no phone. There will be no more 911 calls. All family is in agreement on this.

    I told my Mom when she came to visit that when her time came to need assistance she'd better look to another one of her kids to do it. I meant it. I cared for my grandmother who raised me for a year until she passed from cancer. Now mother in law. Next time it's someone else's turn to step up to the plate.

    Thanks for letting me get it all out.

  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry this is such a traumatic time. It is hard to watch someone who has decided to die. I hope you can get a good long nap in today. It is good that sister in law is coming to help in a couple of weeks.

    I did chuckle at you telling the nurse that husband is a man and doesn't count. Why are guys so stupid when it comes to medical and life decisions? Rhetorical questions. My mom answered it a couple of years ago. Testosterone kills brain cells.

    I fully support the decision to make someone else care for your mother. You have done enough to support everyone in your family. Nothing wrong with making someone else step up.

    Putting her in the nursing home with no phone to call 911 is a smart decision, esp since she won't let the docs do anything but give her pain medications. Very sad that she wouldn't even let the staff help her up, or PT work with her to at least be able to move safely with-o help.

    I am sorry that this burden falls on you. It is so tough to have to deal with all of this. I hope sister in law is on tap for the bills. Surely they can wait or be emailed to her. MOst bills can be paid online, and she should be given that job. You do enough.

    Gentle hugs, I know you care deeply for mother in law. But since she has decided to die there is nothing you can do except pray she goes without pain. At least Dr. Ego responded and you know there is a reason for her to be so out of it. If she keeps trying to get up the nursing home may have to use restraints for her safely. I am surprised that the assisted living didn't at least suggest it. Also surprised that assisted living claimed to be able to give nursing home level of care. That is irresponsible, in my opinion, esp when most places have a tough time getting staff, largely because they don't pay enough. (At least that is the situation here. Many times families who know each other with relatives in assisted living will go in halves or even thirds to share a private nurse.)

    Make time to nap, please. You don't need to get sick because you are exhausted. I am sorry husband will not let you sleep. What is his deal? Can you make him sleep elsewhere, or clear out a room for your own and sleep there? Not getting enough sleep and then spending time in a nursing home is a WONDERFUL way to get all kinds of nasty germs and get sick.

    Sending gentle hugs and lots of sleep to you!
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I hope when my time comes, like mother in law I make the decision myself. I find that very heroic. I think we know when its time. My grandmother (the one who raised me) also knew. She was ready to go, and told us that even if we weren't ready, it was time. And she did. She stopped all medications except those to keep her comfortable and went home to die. She died two days later, surrounded by her children, in her own home.
  4. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Daisy, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this after taking care of your grandmother. It is so so stressful. My dad passed away last year after being in a nursing home for 3 years. You are totally right...since there are other family members, they need to step up to the plate and handle this. Unfortunately you sound like one of the very few that has the willingness to take charge and get answers and get things done. This was the case with me & my dad as well. What really ticked me off was that any time I made a decision my brother and sister stepped in and they questioned it. They didn't want anything to do with his care or medical decisions unless it involved death AND money (ie: their inheritance).
    I just wanted to send you ((hugs))