Mother kicking out 10 yr old son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Patrick Duffey, Jan 7, 2017.

  1. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Hello, need some sound advice please?
    I have divorced my wife after affair and child with other during the marriage. I have 2 son's out of the marriage, 14 (somewhat abandoned with her family in Philippines)
    Yes, we were teabagged!
    The youngest 10 yrs old does not respect his mother for her actions / choices?
    Now, since he voiced that he does not honor his mother, she wants to kick him out for not throwing roses at her feet?
    For me, I see him on weekends and consul without my trashing their mother? At this time because of my business. .... I can NOT have him living here full time?
    She said she would be contacting CPS/SCHOOL.
    Is this abuse legal ????? I don't think so?
    What are my options and his rights?
    Thank you, Patrick
  2. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    Hi, and welcome!! - not sure I understand.
    You have a son, who is ten, who your ex wife does not want anymore.
    You have two other sons who are not hers, and they are 14 years of age?
    Who is doing the abuse? What kind of abuse? Why is mom going to contact CPS and the school?

    You say the ten year old does not respect his mother because of her actions. You say you see him on weekends. Who is trashing mom? You or son?

    (Do NOT trash his mother, or let him trash her. She will never be able to raise him if you allow that.)

    Are you angry with mom? And neither of you want to raise him? Is that it? Are you all living in the Philippines?

    is that your real name? if so, please pick a screen name for anonymity!
  3. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Regards Pisces Mom,
    I apologize for the wreckage of my posting the question. She & I have 2 sons, one of 14 whom is in the Philippines. The youngest (10) lives with her in California about 25 miles away from me. He lives there with her and goes to school there. His mother whom had an affair & child is there now with her full time babysitter mother. My 10 yr old son does not praise/ respect his mother & is honest in his feelings. Thus the reason for her trying to kick him out of her house. She notified me that she would b inform CPS/SCHOOL
    I myself would gladly have him with me although my work takes me away and thus would be extremely difficult for me to school and care correctly?
    MY 2 boys have asked about the newborn baby and I have always told truth & been respectful with-o going Into details. No.... I never talk smack or trash about their mother. I know the harm of that sabotage tactic.
    I'm just interested in the legalities of this circumstances?
    Thanks again
  4. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    I don't know what you mean in this sentence. Your son's mother lives with your son, and son's grandma, who is the babysitter?

    What is she going to tell CPS? I don't understand. Who is abusing him? She is going to tell CPS she can no longer care for him?

    Also, how is he behaving with his mom? Is he violent? Is he threatening? Does he obey?
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2017
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Let me see if I understand: Your ten year old son lives with his mother and her mother and a baby who is his half sibling.

    His mother is angry because the 10 year old, your son, has a disrespectful attitude, and you infer this is related to the fact that your ex had a baby from another man while married to you, or shortly after.
    Your ex seems to be alleging abuse but it is not clear who is the abuser and who has been abused. Is your ex alleging that your 10 year old has abused the baby? Is she alleging that the 10 year old hurt or will hurt the baby? Or is she saying the 10 year old has been abused? If so, by whom?

    I am not an attorney nor am I in any way knowledgeable about CPS. Each of these options that I am guessing at entail radically different circumstances and courses of action.

    If your ex is falsely alleging that the 10 year old abused her other child, this is itself an act of abuse, I would believe.

    Is she intimating that you planted this thinking in your child's mind? And is she now targeting your child? All of this would be deeply concerning. Parents have legal and moral obligations to care for their children until they are legally grown, in most cases. If I am understanding correctly, this might be child abandonment, if she follows through. You cannot kick out a 10 year old, at least where I live. For disrespect or any other reason.

    Where do you fit into this? Is this retaliation in this way against you?

    Where is the 10 year old getting ideas about what is immoral or improper sexual or marital behavior by adult parents? That is the other concerning thing. Because a 10 year old child does not have the mental or emotional maturity, the necessary development to understand, much less judge or evaluate conduct of this sort, unless an adult has been coaching him. That in itself could be considered to be harmful to the child.

    You may need or want to engage a Family Law Attorney. And you might also want to consider a therapist for your child. Because if I have understood what is happening, your son may well be in distress.

    I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult and trying situation.

    Keep posting. It helps.

    It is a slow time just now, because it is late. Others will post in the morning.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2017
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome! You seem like a caring, loving father.

    As I understand things, your marriage broke up because your wife had an affair and a child resulted from the affair. Your son lives with your wife. Your son is not verbally respectful to his mother and expresses that her actions hurt him and upset him. You do not encourage him to be disrespectful, but encourage him to express his feelings respectfully. Your ex mother in law is a live in babysitter in your ex wife's home.

    Your ex no longer wants custody of your son or else wants to terminate your access to your son. That is where I am confused.

    It sounds like she does not want to bother with your son any longer. She wants to force you to take custody of him off of her hands. It would be difficult for you to have custody because of job considerations. She is thinking of going to CPS/School about this. If she goes to CPS, they will contact you and as the father, you will have to take custody, It will be a MAJOR black mark in the eyes of the court, at least as far as how the court looks at her, and she would have to pay child support. It would look pretty bad to the court if you refused to take custody. It would likely end up with your son in foster care, at least for a short time, and other relatives would be investigated until a suitable relative or other situation could be found for him.

    It would be vastly preferable if you were to work custody out without this. Foster care tries to be a good place, but an enormous number of children who go into foster care are abused. It is a situation you want your child to not be in if it is at all possible. It also would send a message to your son that neither you nor your wife wants him. Hard as it may be, you need to figure out a situation so that he can stay with you or family, and be away from his mom if that is needed.

    As I read your post, the grandmother (your ex-mother in law) has done most of the care-taking for your son up to now. You would need to contact the school to find area before and after school programs (ask if his best friends go to any - it can be a big help). Also think about maybe hiring a college kid to do the before/after school care if there are not programs in your area. I live in a university town and a lot of the faculty and staff hire students to do this type of child care. For some it is even a live-in situation that works very smoothly and is mutually beneficial. The student gets free housing and basic utilities/etc... and the family gets a certain amount of child care/homework help/tutoring/chores/errands done. I have seen situations where no cash changes hands and situations where an obscene amount of $$ changes hands. Every successful situation has detailed clear rules, open communication, and no sexual contact (I am speaking of contact between the adults, of course there would be none between the children.).

    From what you say about his mother, well, more the tone of your posts about her, I think it might be best to get your son away from her soon. It is just a feeling, but she doesn't seem to be treating him well. Conflict isn't good for kids. Feeling a parent doesn't want you is horrible, and knowing it must be about the most awful thing in the world. Kids don't miss anything, no matter how much we want them to, so it would be a very good idea to find a therapist for your son to talk to sooner rather than later. He will need help sorting out how he feels and figuring out what he thinks about all of this.

    I hope something I suggested here helps. I am sorry this is being dropped in your lap like this.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My question after reading this, is why is a 14yo in the Philipines? Who does he live with? Why is he so far away? Is one of yours, or moms relatives taking care of him?

    Would the grandmother take the 10yo home with her at times to give mom a break while the adults work out a plan? I would look at getting son help to work out his issues. If CPS is called, it would look like you are trying to help the situation. Can you at least increase the time you have son?

  8. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Susiestar~ spot on, all the way down to the termination of our 10 yr old son! As far as foster home........ that will never happen, I will be always somehow there?
    I live in a extremely small costal town so no college students here to help...... ?
    He has been going to a "therapist" but in my opinion has not helped for b the last 2 yrs. And I'm trying to get him switched but no success of yet.
  9. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    She wants to terminate your visitation with your son?

    Keep posting. You are not in an easy place! I think it is a good idea you are trying to change therapists.
  10. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Hi Pisces mom,
    Not terminate with me instead terminate him from living with her & her baby daughter because of the affair. ....
    From what I read/understand better now being divorced is that she is a covert narcissist. .... because my 10 yr old doesn't look favorable to the baby.. ( we are Caucasian whilst the baby is Black) ......
    He and his brother wanted to know why she looks different and they were told with-O any graphic details. Because they do not give %100 approval to their mom she wants our 10 yr old out of her house cause she doesn't want to see them unless they give their total approval to her and child?
    There is NO ABUSE other than mental/verbal? ??
    Having my child here would meet I wouldn't be able to work my company I started after the divorce last year, but I'm NOT going to let the mother toss/discard/foster home/ CPS!!!!!
    PS~~ Grrrrrrrr :'( ?
    Thanks for everyone giving their time to me!
  11. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    Verbal and mental IS abuse, and it is serious. It can have damaging effects that last a lifetime. I know this firsthand.

    One of you HAS to raise him. I am not sure why a child who looks different can't be accepted, that is very sad. Can't the older kids be talked to about this? Maybe it can be a nice teachable moment? If the older siblings (they are white?) can't accept the baby - that can be terribly damaging to the baby as well. How sad that siblings can't love each other.

    OR you can both maybe put aside the hurt and anger from the divorce and really roll up your sleeves and work together on this. Is that possible?

    I can't figure out if she just wants him gone so she can focus on her new family, or if his behavior is scaring her.

    I dont think CPS will be any kind of help here. I have dealt with CPS, even been investigated by them. They concluded that despite my son's lies, that I was not abusive. Then it was over, and I hoped they would help but they were gone.

    You may have to take in your son. He cannot be rejected by both parents, legally or morally. And if he does go live with you, try not to have either of you frame it as a rejection. He might never ever get over that kind of hurt.

    My situation has some parallels. My ex husband hates me for divorcing him. He is absolutely bitter and really trashed me to everyone, especially to my children. Maybe I did that as well? It was a very ugly divorce. Then my son had his issues, and ended up with my ex because the courts didn't think it was safe for him to stay with me. My ex was sure unhappy about that. Neither of us is really equipped to deal with my son. So we should be co-parenting, but it doesn't seem to be possible.

    Parenting is a HUGE responsibility. I didn't understand that when I was young. Please keep posting, take the advice you like, ignore what you don't.

    I hope things get better. The good thing is he is only ten, and with intervention and love, depending on what is going on, he may have a good outcome.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you should take in your son. Sorry. But he is more important than your job. The mother sounds incapable of loving him and if you don't make a sacrifice ( perhaps this particular job) then your son may be the foster care and no love at all.

    Please put him first. With your job skills, even if you make less money somewhere else, you can get a job. in my opinion your son matters more.

    A covert narcissist loves nobody and can't parent anyone well. They are dangerous. You will not be able to reason with a covert narcissist. Save your child.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The vast majority of single parents must work, some at 2 or more jobs. Typically there are after and before school programs.

    I remember where we lived for a couple of years there was no transportation from our apartment to school. My work started an hour before school. The solution? My son, then 11, I dropped off at a café 1 block from school, with $10 and an explanation to the wait people that he would eat breakfast, and leave at 7:45 am to walk the block to school.

    Another time I paid a neighbor to watch my son before and after school.

    Like you I would not want my child to be with a parent who was hostile, distant, and abusive.

    Now that you are here on the site, you are not alone. There is no barrier that we will not try to help you work through. You can do this. The worst is behind you.
  14. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Thank you ♡
  15. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    oh, i just tried to edit my answer. I know you aren't giving up on your son...i go back to my stuff, where i was then, it was such a hard time.
  16. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Yes, I am looking at restructuring my work. YES, IT IS ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE! Yes, I will have to take my son out of this situation !
    I live soooooooooo remotely so I've got a lot of planning to do!

    by the way...... The ex does not wish to co-parent. ..
    She has her focus on baby....... Sadly but true
  17. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    I shall be the one! I have never left my children's side till last year...divorced the mother, but...... before I did she bedded and had the baby? My boys know I was ALWAYS honest and truthful with integrity. ..... they don't fancy their mother cheeting and have baby. Oh yea, LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Are there neighbors, kids your son can play with? Is nature nearby? You said it was coastal, I think.

    I grew up right on the ocean. 3 houses away. Of course it was a different time but we were always running around playing, running, riding bikes, climbing fences...If it is a small town the neighbors know each other and watch out for each others' kids. My mother worked, was gone long hours. I was younger than your son. I grew up from 8 years old, cleaning house, making beds and beginning dinner, before I went out to play. 10 years old is old enough to take responsibility for some things, to make your life less lonely and easier.

    The pluses for everybody so much outweigh the minuses-I think-of his going with you.

    There is one thing I must stress. Change the custody arrangement legally. Maybe she would even be willing to give you sole legal authority and custody. Do not do this without protecting yourself and your child with all the force of the law. Your ex wife sounds cruel and vindictive. It would be a horrible outcome if she used the security that your son and you were to find--against you both--by seizing or trying to seize him back....There are ways to protect your child and yourself. With an attorney.

    This is child abandonment that she is threatening. Try to get a good attorney who will make sure she cannot walk this back.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2017
  19. Dustyroadsagain

    Dustyroadsagain New Member

    Copa (y),
    Yes Norcal coastal. Can't really find it on the map? Yes nature but VERY BORING! No childrento speak off to play?
    I am restructuring my business coming tomorrow. ...... BIG storm, no electricity for 2 days.
    I will be contacting my attorney this week. ...
    I agree with your statements. ...thank you
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I don't think she is going to want an official custody change. She seems the type to want it done unofficially, especially if a reason must be named. And when she finds out that she will have to pay child support, watch out. I hope your attorney can make her see reason and that this is in the best interest of everyone.

    You may have to get creative to find child care so you can work, but it can be done. Small towns usually work together far better than big cities, esp rural small areas. Ask at the local school about before/after school care, sports, etc... Also check out the children's activities at the public library. These are great places to meet people with kids and ask them what they do for child care. Sometimes you hear that people are home with their kids, which usually means a neighbor watches several families children. You can also check bulletin boards outside groceries and bookstores and in other places for signs for before and after school child care. Just be sure to run at least a basic background check on anyone you are considering, and to look them up on your state's sex offender registry (and any neighboring state's registry, esp if you are within an hour of a state line).

    I am sorry your ex is so cruel to your son. This type of abuse is awful and inexcusable. The sooner you can get your son away from her, the better. I hope you can find a better therapist, pref a male one,, for your son. Why a male one? I think that for the most part, boys respond better to male therapists and girls respond better to female therapists. Of course it isn't always true, but as a general rule, it is what I use when looking for doctors and therapists for my kids.

    I hope the storm doesn't do any damage, and that you have good news in the words when you come back to us in a couple of days.