Moved my son to live with Bio-Dad :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by troubledheart, Nov 2, 2010.

  1. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    It has been a tough week for my household. The last few weeks my son has been acting stranger and stranger....then everything went haywire in a matter of minutes, we were living in HECK!!

    I have been attacked by scissors/knives/punches/scratches/kicks/spit/biting anything he could get his hands on got thrown at me. I found a knife hidden in his room, I could go on and on and on.... but I don't want to get in details.

    He had to leave. I could not allow this to continue, it was the most devastating thing I have been thru. I looked for help for him here, but couldn't find anything other than calling the cops and jail/psychiatric hospital. he needs so much more, and I could no longer provide it.

    Thank the Lord that his bio-dad stepped up and said he could take him. He is several hundred miles away from me now, and I cry everyday, but know I made the best decision for him. I don't know if he just needed his dad and didn't know how to tell me. I don't know if I didn't set good enough boundries. I don't know anything anymore but that my life is turned completely upside down.

    There is a ton of mental health help VERY close by to where dad lives, and my difficult child used to actually go to the day treatment school there, before we moved.

    It has been exactly almost to the minute of when we left to take him down, and it is so hard on myself and my husband. But on a good note, he has been fine there, not one single problem. I am sure it is honeymoon period. We will see, but his dad and I both agree, that if he moved, there is no moving back :(

    It hurts, it is hard, it is sad, I can't even describe the emotion I am dealing with, I have a huge support network with friends and family, and they won't let me sit around and dwell on it. They listen to me cry and sob and laugh about good times. And I am glad they are around. I am also seeking help with my MD and a counselor. I finally realize that I am NOT Superwoman and I cannot handle it all.

    I think the hardest part of this whole thing is being caller a loser and told that I am giving up, when I know I am not giving up, I am giving more opportunity. Those words came from my own mother.

    Just aggrevated at the whole was so scary. His dad will get him the help he needs down there, and I have wonderful health insurance that will cover it. I have just been asking everyone for prayers for my son. I just want what is best for him, and I just want him to be a functioning part of society, I just want him to be happy. That's not too much to ask is it?
  2. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Welcome and please know that you are not a loser or a quitter ! You are doing what you feel is best for your child. It sounds like you have been through so much and I am sorry for that. This is a wonderful group to be a part of and there are so many of us struggling too ! I hope things will improve with your son and I hope his Bio Dad gets him all the help he needs. Keep us posted and Keep your chin up !
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm so very sorry for your hurting mommy heart. I hope your son gets the help he needs and deserves.

    Just in case it hasn't been mentioned, Zoloft can cause very strange reactions in children. My own son had a prolonged intense manic reaction to a very low dose of Zoloft (just 25 mg), and he doesn't even have full-blown bipolar disorder. I just wanted to let you know in case the doctors hadn't considered it for your son.

    Hang in there. I'm hoping things improve soon.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    just wanted to say the same thing basically hang in there. i know it soo isnt' easy. hoping it all calms down and he does get the help he needs and you get a breather right now.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry it came to this, I can imagine how heartbroken you must be. You absolutely did the right thing for your son, however, of that I have NO doubt. What you did was very loving and kind, even if your son can't see that right now. I'm glad you have such a great circle of support.
  6. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    It was definately the hardest thing ever. They are gonna handle things....I emotionally cannot do it anymore. I want the best for him, and I cannot give him that right now. He is not unhappy with me, he is actually ok with the move. He says he will use this as a start over. I really really hope so!

    I know about the medications, and he was doing fine and just fell over the edge. There is a LARGE amount of mental illness in his bio dad's family, so he is not inexperienced at all. We did some rearranging and found a bunch of medications behind the entertainment center....wonder how long he has been not taking them. Made me feel bad when I saw that. But have to remember that I moved him there to help him because I love him so much!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I miss my baby. But I will see him soon. At least he is where I can visit when ever I want and something worse didn't happen to either one of us! I have to be thankful for all that my life has given me. Even thru this, something positive and stronger will come out of it. Maybe I will start advocating for HELP for these kiddos in my state BESIDES cops and child protective least in my county!!!! SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE!!!

    I am strong....I will get thru this....My son is strong....and my son will get thru this....His dad is strong....and will get thru this. We will all work together and be strong and get thru this!!! I just know it in my gut. Now...someone tell my heart!!!
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    in my humble opinion, it takes one heck of a mom to admit her child needs more than she can provide, and then to take the steps necessary to get it - those are not things "loser mom's" do for their kids. NOT AT ALL. Give me your mom's number, if you like. We can hash that out. :tongue:

    I also want to say I'm impressed by you and your DEX's ability to work together on this. KUDOS to you both.

    Big hugs for your hurting heart. Change is hard. Enjoy your new found peace.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your mother is completely wrong and grossly out of line.

    I do know how hard this is. I had to move my son to my parents' home a few years ago. My father was the only person who could handle him when he raged. Of course Gpa is as much Aspie as Wiz is, so Gpa just out stubborned him.

    Your heart will feel like it is broken for a few months. It will get better gradually, and a doctor and therapist iwll help greatly. What you did was totally unselfish and one of the greatest gifts a mother could give her child. That kind of love should be celebrated for it truly is the most real love that exists.

    In a few months you will be able to begin to repair the damage in your heart and soul. You will be able to look at photos of your child and smile, then maybe even laugh after a few more weeks or months.

    Remember that you not only moved your son to a place where he could get the help he needs, you also protected him. You kept your son from doing real, lasting harm to you or anyone else. Now he can grow up WITHOUT the kind of soul destroying guilt that would have come later if he had done the kind of harm to you or someone else that results in lasting physical damage or death. Knowing that you hurt your mother badly enough to put her into the hospital or worse is something that is incredibly hard to recover from.

    YOU made sure that your son can grow up and live his life without that guilt, and it took a lot of pain and sacrifice on your part to do that. It truly was a HUGE gift to do that.

    I am sorry you are hurting so badly. Feel free to vent here and if you want to ask anything about how I got through it, just PM me.
  9. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Welcome and I'm so sorry this happened. My heart goes out to you. But it appears that you made the best decision, and you are incredibly strong. I'm sorry and saddened that your mom had to say those things to you. Even if she's lost for words, she should not have attacked you like that. I hope you, your son, and your family is blessed with an abundance of healing.

  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member're not alone on this. My daughter moved in with my mother for nearly a year, and it helped us all.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Echoing what others have said. It takes a strong woman with amazing love for her child to do what you have done. I'm sorry your mom isn't seeing it that way. In your heart you know you did what you did out of love and what was best for him even though the pain is great for you. Gentle hugs being sent your way.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    AmberSue, this sounds like a wonderful solution. Change is always hard, but this is a good change. It will take you a while to adjust. Trust in life that you will adjust. It is because you love him that you did what was right for him at this time in his life. And frankly, I think you will adjust more quickly if you stay away from your mother. She sounds toxic.
    It is great that bio dad came up to bat. Bravo.
    This is a time to rest and heal. You did the right thing. Do not question it.
    Many hugs.
  13. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    If you think that this is the best thing for your son, then you did the right thing. No one should tell you that you gave up. You needed to do what was best for him and if moving him to his dad's house is what was best, then so be it. And for heaven's sake, he's with his bio-dad. It's not like you shipped him off to live some stranger who has no idea who your son is. He's with family who loves him. I know that it's hard for you because you miss him, but this is what is best for him and for his growth. (((Hugs))) to you. I hope you get to see him soon.

  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* Dearie, it was a difficult decision, but a lot of the right choices aren't the easy ones. No one can rightfully say you didn't try everything within your power.
  15. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    Thank you guys so much....I really appreciate the kind words. I have been trying to stay super busy so I don't have to think much about it. It works a little bit. I talked to him today and he is happy and doing good. I just hope and pray it all works for him. I do need the rest, I am weary. But I will plug on, as I have done for the last several years. **sigh** It will work out, it has to, as he was out of options here :)

    I will keep in touch on here...I need all the support I can get right now. Thank goodness for my husband, man have I needed him....and all my friends, no one will let me stay down too long. I am very thankful for what I have had and will have in my future, and I do intend on paying it forward and doing my best with all my spare time now, to help out in the community more and give to those that need help, as best I can!!
  16. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Your mother needs to be forgiven for her blind and uneducated comments. She doe not understand and is not correct. For your son, your health and your family you had no choice, and are doing the best you can. You have not quit and even though he is several hundreds of miles away you are still his mother, and will still be involved in his life. What you did was to put his health at a higher priority. Also mental illness is not caused by lack of boundaries, and is not solved by perfect parenting. Hopefully Bio-Dad's can provide more structure and access to mental health services.

    You need to cry, and then start focusing on yourself and how to recover so that you can contribute to the family as well as find a way to be happy yourself. Find something you enjoy and then don't feel guilty for enjoying it. You need that to become strong again.
  17. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    Just an update, he is doing very well. Just a couple small issues. He is enrolled in school....starts monday....I am nervous and excited at the same time, and having a hard time not being completely involved in the process.

    I am doing better personally. My friends and hubby have really uplifted me. Still no word from my mother, but not much I can do about her. I hope the best for my difficult child and know that this is right, and the school has so much there for him with his dad.

    I have started sleeping thru the night again, last night was the first night that i didn't get up and down and up and down and I actully feel good today! Been talking to difficult child about every other day...he says he is happy. Let's hope it stays that way!!!
  18. troubledheart

    troubledheart New Member

    Bio-dad enrolled our difficult child in school where he lives and he started today. We are all nervous....It has been over a year since he has been in public school!!!

    So far so good with the move to bio-dads. Of course difficult child has only been gone for a little under 2 weeks.

    I hope and pray this is what he needs....I am doing much better, thanks to everyone. Oh and I did finally hear from my mother yesterday...conversation was strained, but she did ask how everything was going.
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Stay strong and let us know how it goes.
  20. idohope

    idohope Member

    So glad that it is so far so good. This may be a honeymoon phase and there may be more challenging days ahead, but you should definitely know that you stepped up to the plate and did what you needed to for your child. Successful parenting often requires that you take the route that is harder for you but ultimately best for your child and that is what you have done here.

    So please take this time to recharge yourself.

    Can you skype with your son to keep in touch? With video maybe? Seems like it would be a great way to "see" him and would appeal to a boy his age.