Oh, Sweetie, I can feel your pain to my bones.
I don't even think the state lied to us. I think our son was just such a good actor and so brilliant (in spite of his label of cognitively slow) that he truly fooled everyone who'd cared for him plus all the psychiatrists that foster kids see. Nobody knew what he was up to, least of all us. We were so stupid, and I feel so guilty even now that my young babies were assaulted by him over and over again. We'd had that talk about how we'd believe them if anyone ever made them do "bad touches" but the talk didn't work
. I was told by the CPS worker who came to get him that "In all my fifteen years I've never seen a case so bad." Well, guess what? There are cases as bad as ours. We're not alone. Adopting an older child is a huge risk. They've already been thrown around, abused, probably sexually abused (we were told that over 90% of all foster kids are abused, often IN foster care) and many are way too damaged to save. But, of course, we are made to feel guilty. In my case, the guilt was from family and "friends" who thought we never should have adopted an eleven year old boy in the first place. Nobody was mad that we gave him up maybe because we spared no details to anyone. I felt I had to talk and didn't want to be judged. I told everyone who was close to us, who I trusted not to spread nasty rumors. My guilt was immense. I was a stay-at-home mom who was homeschooling while this boy was sexually abusing the other three children. I felt very stupid and like it was all my fault and I still do at times. Hub didn't know either. Yet our kids have told us that the boy liked to be daring and do things to them very close to us, just one room away. If he hadn't made an obvious blunder (killing two of our dogs in a row) we wouldn't have caught him when we did because he acted like an angel to adults, which in my opinion is worse than knowing what you have. Adults LOVED him.
He was a danger to everyone he got close to. In school he was in a class for cognitively delayed kids, although in retrospect everyone believes he was probably very bright. One of his classmates had epileptic seizures and was slow. He latched onto this kid. Thankfully, I think he got busted before he could harm this truly special child.
So although I will never watch a movie--EVER--about a kid that sick, I lived with one and I know they exist. And, if they are adopted, it's not OUR faults--it's a combo in my opinion of genetics AND the experiences they had before they came to our homes. I think anyone thinking of adopting ought to know that every child can't be saved. Some don't want love, it scares them. Some have a very perverted idea of love. Some are psychopaths. The psychopaths can be very charming, like our son was.
I feel a sad kind of bond with you. If my sharing helped you, I'm glad I did. (((Hugs)))