Moving forward

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Aug 20, 2015.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm not sure who coined it here about being in the "fog" but it is so true. I remember the days of being in the thick fog of dealing with my son.
    It was just about impossible to see anything else in my life because of that fog. My world was dim and everything had a shade of gray covering it.
    Then, a wonderful thing happened. I started to detach from my son's chaos and drama. Slowly the fog started to clear and my world started to take shape again and was filling with color.
    You would think after being consumed by such a dark fog for so long that I would leap for joy at the newness of it all but it took time.
    I suppose it would be akin to PTSD, I was shell shocked from all that I had endured. It was as if I had forgotten how to be happy, to enjoy life.
    I didn't want to stay stuck in this place between the fog and light and I knew something had to change. I had to take a leap of faith and step out of my comfort zone.
    I started doing small things, things I once enjoyed but had stopped. I progressed from there, stepping out of my comfort zone to try new things, to meet new people, to fully embrace my life.
    There will always be a quiet corner of my heart where I occasionally go to reflect back. That reflection shows me how far I have come and reminds me to always keep moving forward.

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  2. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    It does happen, doesn't it? Less than two years ago, I would not have believed your post, but now know you are absolutely correct.

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  3. Natsom

    Natsom Member

    Gives me hope for a brighter future.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is why I shared, I want to give hope to those who are right now in the dark fog.
    ((HUGS)) to you...............
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    What an amazing feeling it is to know this truth. I'm happy for you.
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  6. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you so much for this. I have felt this way & it's great to hope for a light at the end of this tunnel
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you Tanya. Your post gives me hope.
    I feel in this place now. Sometimes, it feels I will never leave it.
    Thank you. I will use this to make better decisions for myself.
    Thank you for this. Our lives do matter, don't they? Even when it seems as if they do not.

    Thank you. Maybe it will be possible for me, too.
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am so happy for you.

    It is good to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and know that it's not a train coming at you :p)

    There is hope for us and for our DCs but we have to take care of ourselves and live our lives to the fullest.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wonderful quote. It feels so good to be out of the fog. But it took a long time and hard work! Never give up.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You will Copa, you will. It just takes time and that's okay.

    Yes, our lives matter so much. We are more than just mothers and that is what we need to focus on now.

    It is Copa. I truly believe it's possible for all of us.
    I remember all too well when I felt nothing but hopelessness. As I said, it's good once in a while to reflect back to see how far I've come.
    You too have come a long way in short time.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Tanya, thanks for this post.

    I think this is one of the most important things, this effort you started making to do something different.

    I remember husband (then SO) who has worked with a lot of parents of addicts and alcoholics as a volunteer at a major national treatment center that is nearby here...he told me this...

    Do one thing different.

    I sluffed that off for a while, I couldn't see the value, it was too small, it didn't take into account how I was feeling, my suffering...I wasn't ready. I couldn't hear the value, then.

    Do one thing different.

    One small thing can lead to another small thing, and another, and then more and more, and that culmination of things builds a new life.

    If we do what we have always done, we will get what we have always got.

    Floating in the fog, drowning in it, sinking to the bottom and staying there for a long, long time...this too, is a necessary step. We have to go down before we can start up.

    Looking back, I see the building blocks of my becoming a new person. Each block had a purpose. And then, when I was ready, and not one minute before that, I started rebuilding my life, even when my son was in the depths of his life.

    One of the things I had to do differently is not talk to him very much at all for a long time. I had to severely limit our interaction because the cost to me was too high. It would set me back for days.

    It has turned out to be the smallest things that are the most important things.

    Thanks Tanya.
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  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, this is what we all have to remember.
    Even when we can barely drag ourselves out of bed we still have to keep fighting to take our lives back.
    It is so worth it!!
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  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is the key to taking our lives back. I think when we try to look at the whole picture it's just too overwhelming but when we take it in small steps it's manageable and progress will follow.
    It's like a puzzle, you have all these little pieces and looking at all of them laying there trying to see the whole picture is impossible. You have to start with one piece, then another and another. It takes time to put it all together but the day comes when you look and it's whole.

    This is so true!!
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Beautiful post Tanya, thank you. Your description of your journey through detachment is wonderfully stated and it was how it was for me as well. One step at a time through the FOG.

    One of my therapists described the FOG as the place we are when we cannot, or in some cases, will not, see the truth of our kids, that place of denial where we spend a lot of time trying to negotiate reality. I know for me, it was extremely difficult to actually see the truth and accept the a Mom, I thought if I just loved her more, or did "something" more, I could change it, control it or fix it. Recognizing my powerlessness in the face of the truth was a big mountain to climb at various times......that FOG can be pretty dark.

    For me, having a guide, or a bunch of guides as it turned out, showing me the way out of that FOG helped me to shorten my time there. Having someone point to clarity, point to the truth, show me options and give me information and support, was invaluable. It's such a difficult path, I needed a village to get me through!

    Well done Tanya, thanks so much for sharing your journey with us.
  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It is so much easier when we can share and learn from others who have been there.
    I am so grateful for village of people here on this site.
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