Last time I posted, I think I mentioned that Josh had told us that he would not be moving with us, which was a disappointing surprise. He told us that he had applied for and was approved for a subsidized apartment in....Phoenix, Arizona! Mind you, he knows no one in Arizona; has no car (yet); no furniture; nothing. He is planning on flying to Phoenix, buying a car, finding a job, etc. etc. This is a scheme for disaster, one that will very likely bring him back to where he was when he called us three months ago and told us he had nowhere to go. We have tried to dissuade him from doing this; telling him that being physically close to us and other family members is a good thing; that he needs to take more time to establish a better financial cushion under himself before he goes out on his own; and that moving out to another state, far away from us is basically choosing to separate himself from his family. We also told him that we need his help very soon with loading and moving our stuff and vehicles to the state we are moving to. He was adamant that he would not be going with us. I really thought that when he arrived here from Denver that he had learned a lesson about being close to family and the benefit of staying with us long enough to become more stable, but I was wrong. I was hoping that his perspective and his feelings toward us would improve. I've come to realize though that any "niceness" he shows is just a facade; he is still bitter and angry toward us. I wrote him a note the other day, telling him how hard the last two years have been, having to go through each day wondering where he was, whether he was eating, whether he was safe, etc. and that it had been really good to go to bed each night these last three months and not wake up in the middle of the night, wondering about these things. I told him that family is one of the most important things in life and that your family makes the difference when you're going through hard times. I also told him that we truly need his help in loading and driving to our new home. Basically, I tried to pour out my heart to him. Here's his response via text message: "The plan has always been for me to move at the end of May and I'm not moving to *****. Seriously, leave me alone about it. As you have no other better options or ideas, keep your opinions to yourself. Dad can drive with the truck hitched to the U-haul. Why can't you ever be cool about sh*t. You are the ones who move to horrible places, not me; the ones who have f***ed up every place you moved to. I wish things worked out and we could be together as a family but you didn't care enough for your family to stay in the places you moved us to. And then on top of that, you move to places no oe wants to live. Its not my problem. It dragged me down and made my life difficult for so long. But you don't care. You only care about the two of you. It's not my fault." As things get closer for him to leave, I find myself moving toward the grief and depression I know will come once he has gone. I have been grateful for these months to have him with us, even as difficult as it is, to be able to have seen him after over two years and to have helped him quite a bit financially. He has been able to accumulate a little bit of money through tax returns and unemployment. My husband worked for a couple of days on his tax returns so that he could get some money that way. If it hadn't been for my husband doing that, he would have just lost that money. He himself was able to file for unemployment, but he would not have been able to do that if he hadn't had a mailing address and bank account with which tax and unemployment payments could be mailed to and/or deposited into; not to mention a quiet, stable environment in which to work on that. If we hadn't paid for a contact eye exam and taken him to the driver's license department, he would not have been able to get his license. So he has benefited from being here; yet is there any gratitude? Now that we need help from him, he is not willing to help us. There are two things that discourage me so much: One: That I have a child for whom we have poured so much of ourselves into and yet he cares nothing for us; has no interest in being close to us or in relationship; and is unwilling to help us when we need help. Two: That he is now making plans to go off "half-cocked" as usual, with the usual repercussions, which will eventually affect us once again. We may see him again; we may not; but if we do, it will only be when he is in trouble again. He will not have the money to fly back to where we will be; and we have told him that we may not be in a financial position to fly him back as we did this time. It is so scary to think that he could end up in desperate straits again and we might be unable to do anything. This rant is really getting long, so I apologize. I will end by saying that I had some conversation with someone yesterday, a hairstylist. One of her adult sons is living with her and her husband, and she was describing how helpful he had been to them around the house and at their business. He happened to come in at that time and the three of us had some conversation. He was very nice and friendly, and I was struck by what a difference it would be to have a son like that. And I felt shame. And I know many of you have felt the same at times. Not a pleasant thing to experience. In case your wondering, our youngest son is in Washington state, currently on furlough from his job. Although we are glad he has been able to move to a new place and see something different, it hurts that he too has moved. My husband commented that "he has moved about as far away from us as you can get and still be in the U.S." I don't think it was intentional on his part, but it is true that he has chosen to live away from us, at least for a time. Just makes you wonder though. By the time we move, he will most likely be back at work and probably would not be able to help us with our move. We're pretty much "on our own" in this. When we were younger, we moved by ourselves all the time, but now that we're older, moving washing machines and sofas by ourselves just isn't a good idea. Well, thanks for listening to my rant. I know when Josh leaves, I will miss him, and for the life of me, I can't figure out WHY. Maybe I will miss the hope that things will change with him in his perspective toward us and toward his family in general.