My 14 year old daughter physically and mentally abuses me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Just Nickie, Jun 9, 2017.

  1. Just Nickie

    Just Nickie New Member

    I'm reaching out for advice my 14 year old child hits me, pushes me, scratches me, pushes me down slaps me and so much more she also lashes out using profanity calling me horrible names I sent her to her dads house to live in hopes of things getting better but when she comes to visit me its worse now then ever before she tells me I'm the joke at her dads house and the worse she is the more she is rewarded when she returns home to her dad she tells me if I ever make her move from there she will hurt me and hurt me bad. When I attend her choir concerts she makes fun of me to her friends they all laugh at me and join in with her on the horrible things they say I feel so small I'm signing up for counseling cause I'm a failure in life and as a parent. My life seems bleak and unimportant anymore. Am I alone or are there others out there who can are going through the same thing? I have tried to get my child mental help but her father says no and I deserve all I get he tells me if I try to stop these things that he will make me more miserable in life I seriously wanna crawl in a dark deep hole and hide away. I have tried talking to my child I'm told shut the f*** up before something bad happens to me I cry a lot of nights I love my child but in my heart of hearts I know there's nothing I can do cause if I do her father will hurt me. Anyhow thanks for listening any advice is helpful thanks
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am guessing daughters dad demeaned you badly in front of daughter during your marriage and that he still does. Also sounds like daughter may have inherited some of his negative personality traits. Or learned it. Or both. Is she a bully to anyone else?

    Sadly, if ex has say in whether or not daughter gets help and wont allow it there is not much you can do. She sounds pretty brainwashed anyway. Maybe it is best if she just lives with Dad so you can be safe and sound at home. You deserve peace in your home. Do you have other children that this one can affect badly when she is with you? Maybe it is best for YOU not to force visitation. If she ever assaults you...EVER...call the police. It is very much not the norm for kids to beat up on Mom. She is very troubled and getting kudos from Dad for her behavior.

    This is very sad and sick with regards to how ex is egging her on. Maybe you should get a restraining order against ex. Sounds as if he has threatened you. Sounds like ex is the failure, not you. But do get therapy. It should help. You need to feel good making safe, healthy choices for yourself. It is too hard to do it alone...a therapist is often a great ally.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2017
  3. Dunno

    Dunno New Member

    I don't necessarily think that children develop these problems because your a failure. My daughter is slightly younger (12) than yours, and I go through the exact same thing (we could probably compare stories because there close and age, and I imagine they would be very similar). My other daughter is a lot younger (she''s 8) and by all means easy. I feel like I did everything like I was supposed to as a parent, and was always there (dance practices, room mom, school functions, and the list goes on). I always made/make sure my kids have everything they need (and arguably, they have way too much). But sadly, it didn't stop my daughter from developing the attitude from u know where. I also have an ex (her biological father). We divorced when she was a year old, and I remarried when she was around 3.5. She loved him, and truth be told, actually picked him (her bond with him was amazing). My ex and I have an amicable relationship, but it took us a while to get there. But, by no means do I think your a bad parent, or a failure. However, I will also say, that my daughter was always slightly difficult. They said she was colicky (although I can't help but wonder at this point whether that was just her personality), she was always more sensitive, and tended to play the victim in every situation. While I don't know how your daughter was as a baby, too an extent, I think there is a strong biological element there. Stay positive. Life is short, and sometimes difficult. One day at a time.
     
  4. Just Nickie

    Just Nickie New Member

    Somewhereoutthere your spot on I do have a 18 year old son he's such a good kid he's not a fan of his sister he has completely disowned his sister because of how she is. And dunno I would love to compare stories I think my daughter might be bipolar but I can't get her help to find out as far as me and my ex go he beat me when we were together and even in divorce he is awful to me. It just is what it is i guess. Thank you for responding it took a lot for me to reach out
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It was brave of you to do it.

    Since there really is nothing you can do, save yourself and your son. Daughter can get help if she wants to when she is eighteen. Your ex sounds horrible. Stay off his radar. You cant help your daughter in her toxic state of mind.

    Your son is proof that you are not a failure. If anyone is, its your ex. Keep your home your sanctuary and wait and see what happens ehen Daughter grows up. Things could change later on. Right now she and ex are both dangerous to you.

    Your son sounds like a sweetie who sees how things really are. Good for him!

    Keep posting. We all care. Weekends tend to be quiet on the forum. But more people will probably answer.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is a terrible situation. Anybody would feel as you do. I am so sorry. I agree with the others, I would insist that she go live with her father. If there are the funds to do so, I would get a family attorney and make sure I am protected legally, and I would limit contact in the ways the attorney says are safe for you.
    That your daughter can threaten you and hurt you is horrible for HER let alone you. She should not be permitted to engage in this threatening, bullying and abusive conduct. That is what I would tell the attorney. By setting limits, you help her, and yourself. Mocking you to her friends. Talking about you. All of it. Has to stop. You should not be subjected to this.
    What a horrible man. This is almost criminal behavior. It is torture, really. Psychological torture. I believe he is guilty of child-abuse. He is egging her on. He is sacrificing her to torture you. He is using his daughter as an instrument of torture against you. I would think about (talk to attorney first) filing child abuse charges against him. Really. I would begin to document everything. But first, I would get into therapy and into Al Anon groups to get as strong as you can.

    I am glad you found us. I hope you stay. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. But you need to remember. Each of us is human. We have strengths and weaknesses. But none of us deserves to be treated with cruelty. You have been targeted by your ex who is sacrificing his own daughter to inflict cruelty. He sounds crazy. And worse.

    Anything (safe to you and others) you have to do to get out of this and to restore your safety and tranquility, I say, do it.
     
  7. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I wouldnt see her anymore
     
  8. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    You could talk to your local police dpt. There are a lot of scared straight programs where they take kids into jail and scare the heck out of them. Also file a restraining order against your ex. He has been running your life long enough, put a stop to it.
     
  9. JojoMn

    JojoMn New Member

    Sorry my post got really long!
    Don't give up on her!!! I'm in the trenches with you and it really SUCKS!! Enlist help, when she even starts with the threats call a crisis line and and ask for a counselor to come right away. The second she lays a hand on you call the police!! Hardest calls I've ever made but they took her to a place to cool off and I could breath. Enlist lots of help from mental health workers for her... my ex said my daughter couldn't go too so I got a letter from her pediatrician stating she needs medications and counseling ... I made the appointments before I got the letter but we both know we can get one! He said I made the dr write it! Sure I did!!! Jerk! He also changed peditrians! Therapists will make home visits. They know our kids don't want to go!
    I got my 15 yr old daughter after a year living with dad and NO rules, bad mouthing me,and sometimes it felt like he controlled us in my house.i don't recognize her a lot of the time but after only a week I see some of my girl
    Cracking through.i can't imagine the internal struggle they have. We raised them to know this is wrong. They seem evil at times but they need their moms. The crisis counselor helped writing a safety plan plus a number of rules on one column and consquenes on the other. My kid ripped up three of the sheets but I had more copies and said I don't care what you do with them it's the rules I have more copies and the counselor said you know where they are and you are responsible to know them. OMG it works it's the HARDEST fight you'll ever fight (my therapist told me that) but you are fighting to save her life and she is crying out for boundaries! She has too much control in both houses and doesn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and shocked when my girl mouthed off to the cops here, but I knew that I had to prove I am really not messing around. I proved it to myself too! They've been here twice now and I didn't press charges but they told us both if it happens again they won't have a choice. She acts like she doesn't care and says it but there's been a few times already she started to lose it and told me to back off or she was gonna lose it I backed off and and said okay and did. Do not ENGAGE her when she starts anything. I say I'm done and not going to argue if she baits me. . It's really f'ing hard but but my therapist and the crisis counselor told me we have 3 years before she's 18... then it's out of our hands and we'll end up worrying all night about where they are, are they an addict, no job, no home, because they never learned to control themselves at least have some skills. I felt aweful hiding my knives and sharp objects, anything she could easily grab and use as a weapon. No mom should have to do that!! None of my friends would ever dream of needing to do that! I am working on that jealously thing and realizing it's not fair but that life isn't fair. GET a therapist for yourself. I had one before this all started but she's awesome and we don't talk about diagnoses and what happened in our past leading us to doubt our ability! It's about immediate steps to take to make us more confident dealing with our girls and are jerk ex's. We can't control what happens there but you were strong and smart enough to leave him! You are really strong enough to do this.
    I look for the littlest things like actually throwing away a wrapper even and it honestly helps! How weird huh? Baby steps and get through each day!! Message me if you want. We both need the support! God knows not many moms understand.
     
  10. seek

    seek Member

    You need support and therapy - you are being abused, as you know. It is not okay. I would do anything to get away from the abuse (have her live with her dad - who is also emotionally abusing you).

    I went through a challenge with one child and it is terribly painful, emotionally, to think that your own child is capable of, and would hurt you.

    Get help for yourself!
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is a very old post. The poster isnt here anymore. You may want to start your own thread.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2017