My daughter is going to be homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jesllo, Jan 31, 2017.

  1. Jesllo

    Jesllo New Member

    My 20 year old daughter (multiple mood disorders) moved out in August to live with her boyfriend. We helped financially get them set up in an apartment and told them that we would be weaning them off our money and that they needed to get themselves jobs and take over their own finances. She got a part time, minimum wage job.

    October she was kicked out of her apartment due to some previous issues with the apartment, not her fault. Boyfriend left her just before this and she found a new boyfriend. She moved in with him, his buddy & girlfriend. They have a one bedroom apartment. All 4 of them are mentally young teenagers, trying to be adults. I tried to help them find a new apartment, but due to their lease they couldn't move. I pay a portion of her rent with the money that is refunded from the previous apartment.

    November, she quit her job. Boyfriend is working part time at a fast food restaurant.

    December, Boyfriend gets "laid off" (their word for fired?) and money is no longer coming in. December rent is very late and I help them get rent money from the church. She is still unemployed. I help her start the paperwork for her to get on SSI and food stamps etc.

    January, Neither of them are working. They have theft. I help them get stuff donated to replace lost stuff. However they don't have enough rent money for February. Buddy and girlfriend pack up and are on their way out and have told my daughter and her boyfriend they need to leave as well.

    My daughter is mean to me. Verbally and mentally abusive. I have realized with her gone, just how much she was abusive. I cannot let her live with me.

    She claims she has contacted everyone she knows and that everyone has told her no to letting her and her boyfriend live with them. I know she wants me to say that they can live with me, but I can't.

    How do I cope with this? I'm feeling guilty that I am abandoning my daughter. I hate the thought of her being out on the street in below freezing temps. I know the homeless shelter is overcrowded and she's got a slim chance of getting in and even if she could, she would turn it down because they wouldn't let her stay with her boyfriend.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Jesllo. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's so very hard for our mommy hearts to bear what our adult difficult children put us through.

    You have done all you can for your daughter. You have even helped get paperwork filled out for SSI and food stamps. Was she able to get them?

    I agree with you that it is not a good idea to let her move in with you and especially not the boyfriend.

    I know you feel guilty but you really have nothing to feel guilty about. I know that's easier said than done. Coming out of the FOG is not easy. (Fear Obligation Guilt)

    All you can do is continue to offer her advice on where she can get help. This is where you have to be really strong because our adult difficult kids will use our emotions against us. They know we feel guilty and they will us that to their advantage.

    I can tell you that many who find themselves "homeless" manage quite well. My son has been homeless for quite a few years. (he's currently in jail on assault charges) but he has always managed to find a place to stay, couch surfing and also living in a tent. Homeless people actually do manage to network. It's not what any of us want for our kids but it's not our choice it's theirs and that is the hardest thing to accept that it's their choice and we cannot change it.

    You cannot change your daughter but you can change how you respond to her drama and chaos.

    This is not an easy thing to endure but you are here now and here you will find much needed support and understanding.

    One final note, your profile picture, if that's your real picture you might want to consider changing it. We try to remain anonymous here.

    Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you..........................
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think you cannot allow her home. She is an adult who is abusive to you. She has demonstrated ability to work. Who knows what was going on? You may not know the whole story.

    Young adults can make choices to help themselves: applying for benefits, Job Corps (free training, housing, meals, etc., a government program), the military, etc.; people start businesses, they deliver newspapers.

    I hope you keep posting. You are not alone. I agree with Tanya. All of us are learning together how to do this, to not knee jerk react to our children's need, to set healthy boundaries so our lives are more than just livable.

    Take care.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Are drugs involved?

    She is too old to be supported by you. And you help the boyfriend too?

    Let her get SSI, but its not easy to qualify without a diagnosis. So hopefully she has one. You can work quite a bit and still collect SSI and Medicaid, food stamps and other services go with it. If truly needed, its a Godsend for your child and you.

    Our home is our safe sanctuary. Once she comes back she may never leave for good and if shes abusive, she is not safe to you, if only mentally. And the stress can kill us.

    Sounds very much as if drugs are involved.

    Please, please look out for yourself. Sadly, our difficult adult kids of all ages will not look out for us no matter how much we love and help them. Save yourself and your loved ones who are kind to you. You are not a bad mother. But she is a disrespectful daughter.

    Love and hugs.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    KSM: Please see this post:

    replied to thread Despite my broken heart, we put my 16 year old son out of the house.

    She has been down the road you are on with her daughter. She makes some very good points. She is in Canada. The resources and laws may be different, but the situation is the same. Calling police every single time. Paying attention for sexual exploitation and looking for interventions, services protections that may be accessed for same. Insisting on Detox, as a condition of remaining home. Etc. I reiterate that I would work closely with social services/probation/Child Protective Services.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for pointing me to the post. I wish that I had some of these options. I am hoping that when we go to court there will be some options. But I haven't found anything for inpatient help. Unless they are private facilities, then are out of our reach, or they have poor recommendations...

    I will keep hunting...

  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Please try to look at this another way. I did when my son left. I didn't actually make him leave. He was screaming in my face, in a threatening way, because he had been horrible all day and I told him his friend had to leave. This was a twenty year old man who liked to scream me into intimidation, get into my space, lift his fist (like he was about to punch me) and loomed large to me, at five feet tall. My husband was not home from work yet. I told him his friend had to leave.

    He said: "If HE leaves, I leave!!!!"

    Before this the idea of ever telling my own c hild to leave never crossed my mind, although my son had been very abusive even as a young child and had been receiving help since very little with no results. Now he DID work so I knew he could get a decent job. He was smart. But he scared me and his sister, age eight, when we were alone without husband. So I replied calmly (I was always pretty good at responding to him in a calmer way) "That is your decision, but if you do, you can't come back." I don't where I got the bravery for t hose words. I was basically until then the biggest doormat and wuss. But I had had it. My little girl had had it. She used to hover behind furniture when he got mean and threatening. He swore loudly, called us horrible names, stole, lied, was verbally aggressive and even spat at me. No drugs here. This was just him. A budding Narcissist, although I did not k now the word at the time. He only cared about himself.

    He left. I'm sure he thought I'd let him back in. I never did.

    My son made the decision to leave. I did not throw him out.

    Your daughter made the decision t o leave too. Let me explain.

    You have simple, easy rules of civility and respect and cleanliness in your home, which is your sanctuary. It is not your daughter's home. She didn't buy it. One day maybe she will have a place of her own, but your house is a place you allowed her to stay, even under horrible circumkstances, after she turned eighteen. All she had to do in order to stay there was a few things that almost every twenty year old is eager and willing to do: Not trash your house, basically speak with respect, if she is able get a job, if she is disabled or can only work a job that does not pay enough to sustain her I'm sure you would have been happy to help her get social security help and other services (we all are eager to help), and maybe we asked that she be sober, at least in your house. And no asking a boyfriend to freeload off of you. I don't know if he lived with you or not, but it is reasonable to tellthem "no" if t hey ask for anyone else but family to live in your house then scream if you won't do it. Has she ever pushed or hit you o r broken your furniture or put holes in walls? It is reasonable for us to expect everyone who lives with us to treat our things well.

    Ok, so obviously your daughter couldn't even or wouldn't even follow a few easy rules that almost all family members abide by in our homes. Guess what? Your home/your rules. SHE chose to leave by refusing to act decently. SHE did. You didn't one day just throw out an innocent, sweet young woman. I don't know what caused it, but it wasn't that. And THEN she got help from you paying for an apartment. I don't like this option simply because I've been on this very board for fifteen years and have never heard of an adult child (at least not one who brings us to this forum) who respects an apartment that is given to him or is thankful for the help. They get evicted. They stop working. They throw parties. It does noto occur to them that there are rules in somebody elses place anymore than that there are rules in our home. They do exactly what they want to do. Rules are for others. Once they get thrown out, they come back to us, the parents they abuse, a nd cry pathetically or demand money for another place to stay. Our kids are also resourceful. Although they can't sleep t here, there are tewenty four hour Walmarts, laundromats, hotels, hospital lobbies where they probably CAN get some shut eye and other places that stay open all the time. I lived near OHare Airport and the homeless flocked there and many got some quality sleep before/until they were told to leave. Your daughter also probably has "friends" to stay with and won't tell you because she wants the money. NEVER give her cash. EVER. Pay for anything you are generous enough to come up w ith on your own.

    "Do you know it's below zero out today??? And you won't give me money for a hotel?"

    Well, the thing is, they are chosing to be out in that horrible weather, if indeed t hey don't really have a place to stay and are just trying to get money out of us. They couch surf well. Your daughter could stay in a shelter, BUT she doesn't want to follow the rules. So she is saying "No thanks" to the shelter. Anad that's her decision.

    The common theme with all these adult kids is that t hey wn't follow rules, even to be warm. They are so chipped on their shoulders and rebellious that they refuse to abide by civil rules in place for t he safety of all who are there, including our homes. Your daughter would still live withl you if she had been decent. She chose not to be. Her decision. And if she drags the worthless boyfriend everywhere, that's two that have to be put up, also her choice. She'd rather be cold, if indeed she really has nowhere to stay.

    If you were sick, would she come running home to nurse you back to health? Of course not. These adult kids want one way relationships. It goes like this: You take care of me, even if I'm 35 and on crack, and I do nothing for you. I often don't even ask how you are doing. If I do ask, I really don't care. I demand t hat I can count on you. But you can't ever count on me. You are horrible mother for (fill in the blanks about the bogus reason) and I hate you. Or at times when they want something "I love you." Then you say no and they hate you again.

    We are not dealing with normal young adults. I have three normal, loving, thriving, giving young adults. This is not how they behave. Emotionally young or not your daughter could still have empathy. Their own behavior helps keep them emotionally young. They don't want an adult mother/child relationship. They want a mommy. My son is 39. He still wants a mommy. Fortunately, he has a good job and a house, but he is totally incapable of doing life and is still mean. And I spent every year he allowed trying to get him help. Now I know. If people don't want help or don't acknowledge something is wrong, they will not get better. I accept it now and my life is good. I had to accept that I can't control or change him. And we can't. Even if we get them to do something that could be positive, it only works if they decide to work at it. Rehab is useless if she won't try hard to get clean. She may go, but will she stay sober? Same with mental health facilities or educational opportunities. They can go, but will they try hard enough to succeed? Usually, from what I see, they don't succeed if we force it...only if THEY decide "I'm ready." It has to be up to them.

    They don't do what they won't do and you can't push them into doing anything they refuse to do. They may do the trimmings, but it takes hard work to get better. I have mental health issues. I had to work my butt off to get to such a good place. I had to willingly get help from professionals and work on it sometimes 24/7. It was a priority in my life. I did not like being sick. It's not as easy as just going to get help. It's the driving need to want to be ones best self.

    So I hope you are not hard on yourself. You have gone above and beyond what the mother (not mommy) of a 20 year old can do. Remember that 20 isn't THAT young. Most 20 year olds are working a sustainable full time job, or in college, or fighting for our country...not begging mommy for a handout and being rude and violent to those who love them the most. I am glad I have three awesome kids so I don't doubt myself. I have a comparison. One of my special angels has a form of autism. He works his butt off and is NOT rebellious or filled with self pity. He always had a positive attitude. It's like he was born positive. He will never be on the streets. He works so hard, has two part time jobs, and is loved by all. He decided he wanted his own place and we helped him get it. He pays for it 100% out of his SSI and jobs. He also pays for his cell phone and water. He is very proud of himself and happy in his skin. He is doing well. Very well. So are my other two adult kids. My youngest and my autistic son have never ever called me a mean name....ever. Can you believe that? My oldest daughter once did drugs, so she was hard for a while, but she decided to quit twelve years ago, now went back to college, owns a house, is with her SO of twelve years, and is the sweetest daughter now....with my precious grandchild. What a great mother she is. Her daughter comes first. She never parties or leaves her daughter behind. The father is a great father too. She is both a cosmetologist and a pastry chef and paid for her own school fees and paid off her loan.

    It is untrue that ALL adult kids or even teens swear at you, and treat you like Kryptonite!! It's just what our more disturbed teens and adult kids try to sell us. "All teens act like me." Um, so wrong. If this were true, we'd have no military, colleges would be empty, and there would be plenty of good jobs for the picking. Most are very eager to grow up and try hard to do so in a decent way. The older they remain unfocused and rebellious, the more they get used to it and some never change. Sad fact. Good fact. My daughter who quite drugs at 19 is not alone. Some decide "This life sucks. I'm changing." The younger they change, the better the overall outcome!!!

    Your daughter chose her fate. You did not chose it for her. She had a choice.

    Big hugs and thanks for joining us. Keep posting. It helps. We care!!! And when I say we care, I mean every single one of us. All the time :)
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2017
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    KSM. My son has been in and out of hospitals, hospital-diversion, and treatment centers. Until a year ago they were all public or contracted with Departments of Mental Health in different counties, because he was homeless or near-homeless and without resources.

    We began utilizing insurance-based services a year ago, where he could access a so-called higher grade of facility. They vary greatly and even the same corporate structure can have a facility that is excellent, and one that is marginal.

    The last thing I would concern myself with is reviews. There are consequences for actions, for situations. That are absolutely called for. When we lose our capacity to choose among a variety of options on a spectrum of choices. This is one of them. When choice becomes a luxury. We enter the realm of necessity.

    I am thinking here of refugees, because they are so much in the news. Nobody wants to leave their homes, their business, their friends, their neighborhoods and cities. There are communities of my faith, for instance, in Syria and North Africa that are centuries and centuries old, that cannot ever be replicated. That what is lost, what is left disappears and cannot be reconstructed ever, for either the individual or the group.

    I know I sound dramatic here, but when we come here to CD we are that desperate. It is not just that we cannot cope with our children, but that the thread of our lives has been unwoven and is tearing. We feel that we are torn up into pieces. And we are. So I am urging you here, and whoever may read this to see yourselves as refugees. To seek refuge.
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
  9. Jesllo

    Jesllo New Member

    Thank you! All of you comments have been helpful.
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  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Jesllo, you have gotten good thinking here from some seasoned folks. I read your initial post a couple of times. Like most of us, we are "all about them." We worry, we fret, we try, we "help"...over and over and over...and most of the time, nothing. ever. changes. It can seem endless. Your story is the same.

    I remember one time reading here on this forum this thought: If we're more worried about them than they are about themselves, nothing will ever change.

    That thought helped me so many times when Difficult Child would hunch down in his chair, not answer when I tried to talk to him about his situation and basically sulk and be non responsive. He would "wait me out." It always worked, because i couldn't stand not something. All I ever knew in my life when faced with a problem or a tough situation was to...take action. I had never before practiced waiting and silence and turning my energy onto myself. After all, I was fine, right? He was the one "in trouble."

    We moms here, especially we moms, have to flip this whole thing upside down. We have to change the way we are looking at the situation. They are grown people now. They are adults. It's up to them to live their own lives. This seems obvious, but it's not for many of us. We have a life, and they have a life, and we can't live it for them.

    You have gone way way above the call of duty here. Now, it's time to let them experience the consequences of their own choices. Their choice not to get jobs and not to have money to pay rent and guess what? That means you have nowhere to live. My son lived in his car, and when that car was finally gone---yes, he lost that too---he was homeless. Before he decided to take hold of his own life (and that happened 2.5 years ago), he was sleeping on a bench outside in the winter about 2 miles from my house. This, after he had gotten out of jail for the 8th or 9th time, finally scared straight, so he says now, about the prospect of prison. It had to get to that point before he was ready to start growing up, taking responsibility and making something happen for himself.

    This stepping back, that we have to do before there is a chance for change, is the single hardest thing I have ever before done in my life. Like you, I love my child. It nearly killed me to watch him get to that point. But nothing else ever worked. Today, he has a full time job with benefits as an electrician, he has his own place to live, he has goals and money in the bank, he goes to work every single day, he is sweet and kind, and he is rebuilding his life, inch by inch by inch.

    Like my husband always says: It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take him a long time to walk out of the forest.

    Please know that we here understand as perhaps few others can. We're here for you.
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  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    When I was in so much turmoil with my son for so long and kept reading here, one day the solution jumped out of the pages of this forum and into my brain. I hadn't been able to SEE it for so long.

    That is when we took action and as Childofmine said, stepped way way back. Our son is finally on a good path and he's doing it on his own and taking responsibility for himself. We are helping him but I am seeing him grow up a bit. He still has a long way to go but at least he's getting "out of the forest".

    Keep reading the posts here. See what has worked for some and what hasn't worked for others. From that you can create your own customized plan on how to handle your situation.
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  12. Jesllo

    Jesllo New Member

    It helps so much to have others who have done this. It tells me I'm on the right path.
  13. zmlns1

    zmlns1 New Member

    Thank you. I happened upon this forum this morning as I typed our daughter's situation into a search engine. I so need this support as we have two like this. One is soon to exit a Maternity Home on Friday. She does not know where she and her 3 month old will end up. We imagine it will be an overcrowded shelter that uses a gymnasium as a room for 50 women & children. CPS has been involved for about a month due to her mental instability. Her baby spent 4 days in the hospital last week for a nasty virus thatmade her lose 10oz. in less than a week. The baby was already at the bottom on the weight chart for her age. Of course, they are now calling it "failure to thrive".The baby is engaging and seems to be on target developmentally but she has been shuffled around to numerous caregivers since birth. We have kept her 1 night, 3 nights straight, & 6 nights straight when CPS was investigating her. The baby has spent 3 nights at a Crisis Nursery while our daughter was admitted to a psychiatric ward. She also stayed with a safe family for 3 nights. All that, before she was 2 months old. It is so very sad for our beautiful granddaughter to have such a rough start to life. Our daughter has so many problems and she cannot live with us EVER again. She will 25 soon and acts like an immature, manipulative child. She won't follow rules, is sneaky, & chronically lies. The entire world owes her a living and she will suck everything she can get out of a person and then spit them out. The guilt of not bringing them into our home was keeping me up all night. I really needed to read what you wrote. Thanks.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Z!

    I have concerns about the ability of your daughter to parent her baby. Is there any way she would allow adoption? Your poor granddaughter needs more stability than she can provide, right now.

    You don’t need to feel guilty about not allowing your daughter to live with you. No one has to put up with abuse. It rarely helps the difficult adult, as they are able to continue on their destructive path while putting their responsibilities onto others.

    You have posted on the end of an old thread. The moderators can help you to get this transferred and start your own thread, as many people have probably missed your post because of this.

    Stay with us, Z. More people will come along with advice, especially after your thread is started as a new posting.

  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Clear the FOG )fear obligation and guilt), they will manipulate you and never change.
  16. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    The FOG, how accurate is that. I’m so glad I found this forum. My daughter is 21 years old. I put her out of the house at 17 after we got into a physical altercation. This was also after four years of dealing with her lying, her promiscuity, bullying her younger brother so bad it was actually abusive, temper tantrums, running away getting pregnant ( she had an abortion) and just drama after drama. So she no longer wanted to live at home which was evident that by her punching me in the lip, and we signed her in to ththe covenant house. She promptly found a guy there and they spent the next two years in a completely disfunctional abusive relationship. Cut to 9/2016. The guy cheats on her and she finds a cousin of the the girl he cheated with on Facebook and begins a whirlwind relationship with this new guy, all while staying at our house for the third time in two years. Once again she can’t follow rules, is giving all her money to the old guy leaving the house for booty calls with the new guy and we have two young boys her brother watching this. And of course there’s the attitudes that come with all of the and generally feeling unsafe, in your own home as the old boyfriend was into guns and we specifically me had been threatened by him before. So anyways she gets into this new relationship and two months in the new guy proposes and by March of 2017 they are pregnant. Well we spent May through now in the only rollercoaster ride. She was getting thrown out of the house every few weeks, going to stay with his mom since my husband and I made it clear when she first began this relationship that if she left the house to be with this new guy she was not going to be allowed back. So her pregnancy was rough on all of us, because after the honeymoon phase of their relationship wore off and her true colors came out the new guy wasn’t trying to put up with that so they were having crazy fights all the time. My daughter was verbally abusive to him and he would get so angry he would put her out, there was a lot of I wish I never met you and I wish I had an abortion and things like that being thrown out. Then she has the baby and I hope and pray to god that the baby changes something inside her and she realizes that she can try to make this real work by being a better person but three weeks after having the baby there she is again screaming at him and throwing one of her famous temper tantrums. This time the police are called and she’s Baker Acted. He uses that time to get a restraining order put on her against the baby. I’m so mad at the both of the hem but because I KNOW her, I know exactly what he’s saying is true. This is what she does. When she gets out of the hospital she has nowhere to go, she can’t come home my husband won’t allow it even if I did break down and want her to, which I don’t. And now she’s staying in a shelter. She missed the court date to get the restraining order lifted, and th dad is filing for custody. I feel so so badly. I want to bring her here but I know the terror that she is and I know I can’t go through that again. I can’t put my boys through that. Besides she was in the shelter for less than a week and when I finally saw her she already had a hickey on her neck. I don’t know though. I’m constantly thinking about her. I’m constantly worried about her. I’m so scared for her and of course I’m mourning the relationship that I won’t be able to have with my first grandson. But I’m glad I found this forum and see that other people are going through similar type issues.
  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Wow you have been down the rabbit hole and put through the ringer. I can’t imagin how difficult it is when Grands are involved.

    You are doing the right thing by not enabling your daughters bad behaviour. It would change nothing for you to let her in your home.

    Do you have supports in place for yourself? Therapy, group support. Naranon is a great group. There is also NAMI for support to propel dealing with family who are mentally unwell.

    Try to focus on yourself.
  18. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Thank you for responding. Just being able to write it down and have someone respond makes it a little easier to bear.
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is an old, old thread. You may want to start your own so that people will notice you as a new user and post!

    My first thought is better off with her dad than your daughter. Your daughter is not fit. In a legal war bio. Dad vs. Grand9ma, Dad will win.

    I would let daughter live away from you
    She is abled bodied. If she chooses not to work, she can find a shelter, get a food card and apply for Medicaid. Abuse should not live in your home; your sanctuary. Peace and safety should live in your home only. Your welfare matters as much as hers.
  20. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Thank you I did post it on a new thread. I’m so thankful for this immediate support.