My mother is taking over my life and I don't know what to do anymore!

[Californiablonde]

So I have written previously about my controlling, domineering mother who has attempted to take over mine and my kids' lives. Well she's at it again, only worse. I had a rather unpleasant altercation with her at my work, where she showed up unannounced to talk about personal issues. First thing she tells me is that she has been online and looking at my AT&T account and noticed my son has been using up a lot of data. No surprise there. He plays games before and after school plus downloads music and uses up an astronomical amount of data. I currently have a 40GB plan to share between the three of us, and sometimes he still goes over.

Well my supposedly good intentioned mother took it upon herself to call my cell phone carrier and pretend she was me. She gave them all of my info, including my social security number, and had the cell phone carrier shut off my son's access to data. Mind you, this is something I was going to do on my own anyway, once he had reached a certain limit, but that gave her no right to fraudently use my name and do it herself! If that's not bad enough, she also took a trip down to my bank to talk to them about a credit card company who is automatically taking out money out of my checking account to pay back a rather large outstanding balance. My mom doesn't trust this company, and perhaps she's right, but that does not give her the right to go to my bank, cancel my current debit card, stop the automatic payments, and issue me a brand new card!

When my mom told me she did me this "favor" of cancelling my debit card, I was floored. I am equally as floored with my bank for cancelling my card without my permission! Needless to say, when my mom showed up at my work with this new info about my bank and my cell phone carrier, I was not happy. I told her in very polite, but firm words, never to use my name again and from now on to let me handle my own financial issues. She stormed out of the office in a huff, quite pissed off at me.

She then texted me a couple minutes later to tell me I treated her incredibly rude and I disrespected her. I was stunned silent for a few moments. First off, when she confronted me at work, I was very calm, cool, and collected. I was not going to get upset or raise my voice at her at work. Secondly, shouldn't I have every right to be pissed of at HER? After I had calmed myself, I texted her back telling her she was way out of line for coming to my work and doing what she did. IF anybody was being rude, it was her. She stood firm and told me how wrong it was of me to treat her like a child. Ummm..huh?!

She then stated that she was shocked I wasn't grateful for her help. She told me she honestly thought my reaction would have been, "Thank you mom for your help. I love you." I still can't believe she is totally clueless as to why I am upset with her for fraudulently accessing my accounts. I am a perfectly competent woman who has held down the same job for almost ten years. I think I am more than capable of handling things on my own, despite my anxiety issues. She is taking over my life WAY too much, and it's really starting to get to me. She still insists on being present for every single IEP meeting, She calls my kids teachers and emails them on a regular basis and will go as far as to tell them how to teach. They don't like it and neither do I. In the past I have tried to revoke her authority to speak to anybody at my children's schools.

Her response is to cry and beg. She accuses me of being harsh and unfeeling. She says she just loves her grandchildren so much, that she wants to be actively involved in their lives. She then tells me that the next time my car breaks down, or I need a little help with money, she will refuse to give it to me. So once again she makes me out to be the bad person. According to her, I don't appreciate anything. That is simply not true. She is a big help some days. She takes the kids to doctor's appointments so I don't have to take time off work. She keeps the kids overnight to spend time with them. She helps buy clothing and school supplies. I always thank her more than enough for her efforts. But that does not mean she can step all over everybody's toes and run my household in return. In all honesty, she makes me feel like I am the stupidest, most incompetent, worthless human on this planet. She acts like if she weren't in our lives, my whole entire world would be in shambles. How do I politely tell this woman to back WAY off before I break all contact completely? I know it's a drastic measure, but I'm willing to do it for my own sanity!

 

[Copabanana]

Hi CaliforniaBlonde

This was enough to stop me in my tracks:

I had a rather unpleasant altercation with her at my work, where she showed up unannounced to talk about personal issues.

THAT SHE CAME TO YOUR JOB....

Breaking all contact hardly seems an overreaction. It may have been illegal, what she has done. She has impersonated you and broken legal contracts in your name.

As a starter, I would put alerts on accounts. There even may be a way to put verbal passwords in place, so that providing identifying information, stuff that a Mother would know, is not enough to gain access to your personal business.

What you have written is a real shot over the bow, to me. I have meddled in my adult son's life, with a mild case of the attitude your mother has taken towards you. Seeing it in another mother-child relationship, I see it as disrespecting, and absolutely dysfunctional on the part of the Mother.

From my way of thinking you are justified in doing WHATEVER you need to do to stop her. Her tale of woe, crying, whimpering and casting of fault and responsibility onto you is manipulative and TOO MUCH. She kids no one. This is abusive. She is breaking the law.

I remember after my son had his brain injury. I so wanted him to be able to keep his job. He didn't care that much. He abandoned his job. I tried to get it back. I went with him to his work place to try to intervene. The director of the hospital said to me: xxx is my employee. My dealings are with him and I will deal only with him. I was mad and felt disrespected. Clearly he was right.

I had felt justified because I wanted to, needed to protect my son. I wish my son had been strong enough to stop me. Perhaps he will get there, now.

 

[BusynMember]

It's time to go no contact with your mom. I have no other advice. She is harmful to you and as long as u talk to her she is going to do this. No contactincludes ur kids. She is one of those people who will never respect ur boundaries or let u grow up. U can't change her but u can refuse to interact with her. That is the only way shell stop. She is shameless and no asset to ur life. So sorry but u are too old and too strong to have these privacy violations. My mom.never did me favors but I think ur mom is giving favors for payback later on. If she makes u feel inadequate in some way she is playing with ur head. She doesn't sound very stable. Insist she live her own life. If u don't she will live yours. Hugs!!!

 

[susiestar]

She went WAY over the line. You need to contact the police and consult with them about what charges could be filed. Yes, your mother could have criminal charges filed for her actions. Should she face them?

Maybe before you answer that you should ask if you want her to continue to do this? If that answer is yes, then don't call the cops, the bank or anyone else. If you do not want this to continue, then find out what your legal options are. I am not saying to press charges, but maybe the cops will give you the info and you can use it make her back off.

More than a few of us have told you that you must start setting some real boundaries and enforcing them. This is just another reason for that. in my opinion you need to at least take a 'break' from having your mother 'help' you. It won't be easy, but her help comes with serious strings and it sound like she has no respect for you. That means her help comes at too high a price, in my opinion.

At the very least you need to set new passwords on EVERYTHING, and I mean every account you own, and you need to tell your mom that she is way out of line and is not helping. She totally disrespects you and you continue to allow it. I wish I was surprised by her actions, but I am not. You have a real issue with setting boundaries and until you figure out how to do that, and how to enforce them, she will NOT stop at this. I would likely block her from your life, and would at the very LEAST let her know that she committed FELONIES by impersonating you to your bank and your cell phone provider. Then I would go without her help or any contact for quite a long time, until she is remorseful and can abide by some sane boundaries.

Please read some of the books that others have suggested, like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, and work toward insisting on a much healthier relationship iwth your mom whether she likes it or not. You are an adult and a parent, and it is time to step up and demand that your boundaries be respected or else to accept that you will always be treated like this. Regardless of whether you set boundaries or not, get your home locks changed, don't give her a copy, let your landlord/building manager know to NEVER let her into your home, and reset ALL passwords, etc.. to something that your mom cannot guess.

 

[GoingNorth]

Your mother is guilty of identity theft and fraud. Do you really want to continue contact with a person like this in exchange for the occasional babysitting or ride somewhere or financial handout?

Time to cut the apron strings CB. It ain't worth it. Your mother is way over the line into criminal behavior.

She is a sick, sick woman, and she is venting her illness upon you and your kids. You do not have to, nor should you put up with this.

Were this to be anyone else other than your mother pulling this koi, you wouldn't hesitate to press charges against them. Notify the fraud departments of your wireless service and your financial carriers. Change passwords and if necessary close and reopen accounts.

Notify the police of the security breaches. I strongly agree with those who have advised going no-contact with your mother.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh my goodness!! That is so wrong on so many levels the first being it's illegal, it's identity fraud. You really need to consider pressing charges.
At the very least it should be reported to the police so there is a record and also notify the cell carrier and the bank that they processed a change without your consent.

I am so sorry your mother is treating you this way. She has no right to do what she did.

I agree with others that have suggested changing passwords, closing accounts and opening new ones.

((HUGS)) to you

 

[InsaneCdn]

My kids are on that borderline of adulthood. I still make calls for them... to find out what their options are. THEY have to make the changes... it's THEIR phone, THEIR bank account, THEIR car.

When I call, I have the account number, but I explain that I'm just doing research for (whatever kid's name), and I do not expect them to make changes based on my call. Customer service is always happy to provide information.

And... I don't call unless THEY ask me to. Which is the biggest single thing I see wrong with your Mother's whole approach. It's a total lack of respect toward you, who you are, what you are capable of...

 

[Lil]

Well my supposedly good intentioned mother took it upon herself to call my cell phone carrier and pretend she was me.

Change your passwords on everything, immediately. Why on earth does she have them in the first place!

If that's not bad enough, she also took a trip down to my bank to talk to them about a credit card company who is automatically taking out money out of my checking account to pay back a rather large outstanding balance. My mom doesn't trust this company, and perhaps she's right, but that does not give her the right to go to my bank, cancel my current debit card, stop the automatic payments, and issue me a brand new card!

This is not only over the top, but illegal! I would immediately go to my bank and chew the manager a new one! How DARE she - and how dare they!

She still insists on being present for every single IEP meeting

So don't tell her about them.

In the past I have tried to revoke her authority to speak to anybody at my children's schools.

Why exactly does this not work? She is not their parent. The school has no right to give information about your children to anyone you don't authorize.

She then tells me that the next time my car breaks down, or I need a little help with money, she will refuse to give it to me.

So? Can you, in fact, make it on your own? If so, time to cut mom off. Tell her you love her, but you are a grown woman and fully capable of taking care of your own business. As to the kids, she's their grandmother, NOT their mother, and she is not raising them...you are! She doesn't have a say in how much data they use, what school they attend or anything else. If she wants to see them and have a relationship with them, it has to be by YOUR rules.

She's gone so far over the line with that bank thing...I just can't get over it.

 

[DoneDad]

Wow! Like everybody says, it's boundary time.

With the data usage and the situation with your bank- why does she even know about these things? They're none of her business.

Stop sharing information with her. She can't attend IEP's if she doesn't know theyre happening.

Seriously, if someone messed with my bank account and my cell phone account then came to my work to tell me about it, I would AT LEAST go no contact with them, and would very likely get the authorities involved.

When our kids steal from us we eventually get to the place where we ask ourselves, "Would I let a stranger treat me like this?"

If somebody that wasn't your mother did this, what would you do?

You say she's helping out with the kids and buying things- but if in return you have to put up with this kind of stuff, then you know the price is too high.

 

[pasajes4]

This is a very unhealthy relationship for you and your kids. I get the feeling that because of your anxiety issues you allowed your mother this kind of control. You are in a much better place in dealing with your issues. Thank your mother for all the help she has given you. Then lovingly let her know that you are ready to deal with these things on your own. The other warriors have given you the best advise about your accounts.

 

[BusynMember]

There are people, unfortunately, who will not accept boundaries though. No matter how nice you state them. That was why I said it's best to go no contact. It sounds like there is something wrong with your mother and I doubt she will accept your boundaries, even if she does things under the table. If you decide you can't let go of her, do change every password you have, inform the school in writing that you want NOBODY at your IEPs but you and that nobody but you is allowed to get any information about your kids. I am fearing this will start her on a rampage against you, which is where the no contact advice came in. I don't think she will go quietly or possibly she will refuse to go at all unless you don't let her into your life.

All grandmothers love their grandchildren. I love mine to pieces. I don't even consider telling my grown kids how to raise them. When I visit, I follow their rules about the kids and just enjoy the grands. As much as I love them, I did my parenting already and do not want to interfere or worse, give a thumbs down, to how my grown children are raising their children. If sh e zaps all your confidence, and I know that this can be done, you will feel inadequate and needy towards her and you aren't.

Big hugs to my California friend!!!! And please...I was too quick perhaps to say NC. That is a very personal decision and hard to do. But you do need to start keeping secrets. And I wouldn't blame you for NC if you do that down the road...later or now. Who knows what else she will pull? This is actually in my own opinion worse than mothers who are apathetic to their kids!!!! I had one like that and I much prefer it to having a mother who fakes she is me and snoops into my bank account! That is not ok.

 

[nlj]

Wow.

Your mother has crossed so many lines I don't know where to start. She makes my own mother's behaviour seem almost acceptable!

I don't know how I'd deal with this. She could be prosecuted surely. Your bank is also guilty. I would take action against it. I would firstly have to deal with the personal finances and security and confidentiality before I even began to think of my mother and how I would deal with her.

Thinking about continuing a relationship with her would be way down the line.

I'm going to read this thread again and read some more responses and think about your situation. I'm a bit speechless at the moment. My first thought is that your mother needs help. I don't think it's for you to try and provide that help. I think you need some distance.

 

[ctmom05]

There are people, unfortunately, who will not accept boundaries though. No matter how nice you state them.

I also believe this to be true .. .. .. but you can put boundaries in place that reflect what YOU choose to say/share/do ~ your Mom does not even need to be an active participant

She is doing this CB because you are letting her & that part is your responsibility

 

[Second Time Around]

OMG! I'm still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor. What she did was totally out of line and illegal. Change all your passwords, talk to the phone company, the bank and the school. Make sure they know what's going on. Set things up with all of them so that only you can make changes to your accounts, only you can can be present at your children's' IEP's. Not only did she betray your trust and cause you a lot of distress, but if you don't make these changes, she could do something worse in the future and cause you serious financial hardship. What if she did something to stop payments on your mortgage and you lost your home? Like others have said, she is a sick woman and cannot see that this is wrong. You will need to protect yourself as she will probably become verbally abusive when you set these boundaries. Do you have other friends and family who can help you with appointments, etc, so you don't have to rely on her? Are there public service options that you can access for help? What about moving to a less expensive place so you have more of a financial cushion? I know California is horribly expensive, so that's hard. Look at all your options on how you can get your needs met without relying on her. She's your mom, so detaching will probably hard on you emotionally, despite what she's done, so keep posting here for support and if you haven't done so already, I'd recommend a therapist to help support you in this process.

 

[GoingNorth]

There is something else that scares me that just now occurred to me: like my mother, your mother has your SSN#.

My mother has mine because I am a beneficiary on certain accounts of hers. I assume your mother has yours for the same reason.

Now, I have no concerns about MY mother pulling a credit report on me, or opening credit accounts in my name.

You, however, do. I STRONGLY suggest you place alerts with the three credit reporting agencies (TransUnion, Experian, and Equifax) so that you will be alerted any time a hard inquiry is made against you, e.g., any time an attempt is made to either pull a report, or to open an account.

Your mother has already committed identity fraud against you. Please, even if you do not charge her at this point, take steps to protect yourself.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Wow! I agree with changing all the passwords, putting alerts on the credit agencies, and having the teachers ignore her trying to contact them. Hugs to you.

 

[pasajes4]

I have a feeling that your mother could do these things because she is on your accounts.

 

[Marcie Mac]

CB I gather that your mom is important in your life helping you here and there. Totally understand - its difficult raising difficult kids on your own and I know you are thankful for what she does. HOWEVER, you need to sit down and have a talk with her about boundaries. Your financial affairs are just that, yours. Someone would have to peel me off the ceiling had I found out that my debit card was cancelled, or my phone account had been changed.

I am positive that had I not put 3,500 miles between my mother and myself when she was alive, she would be doing the same thing. I always had to be careful what I said or she would start making a mountain out of a molehill. Had to be very careful I never ever mentioned any financial situations whatsoever, even down to saying shoot, tax time is comming up or it would be constant grilling about money.

I would not be cutting her out of your life, or having her arrested - that would be a knee jerk reaction. Am sure she meant well, but you are the one who has to set guidelines on what is and what is not acceptable. No nosing around in my finances, no calling people pretending to be me, and no comming to my job and upsetting me with your bonehead moves.

Good luck

Marcie

 

[BusynMember]

Even if she meant well, and I'm not sure she did, she broke the law, violated her daughter's privacy, and is very controlling regarding school and everything this poster does. If it were me, I would probably cut contact or call maybe once every three months and no details of life at home. None of us are young kids. We don't need our mothers, especially those who would do things like this, giving us help. We need to stand on our own two feet and get help elsewhere. This is way over-the-top and this woman needs consequences. It is hard to call the cops on our kids but many of us do to try to teach them right from wrong. Some grandmothers need to learn right from wrong too. You can not act like this. It is seriously not ok and for this woman to be so over-involved with her grandkids indicates some really big, potentially scary issues.

I'd take it very seriously and not just the heart of a loving grandmother. I mean...nobody does this...Know what I mean??

 

[Californiablonde]

I forgot to add the reason why she has access to my bank account. Several years ago I took a Klonopin and drove and got arrested for a DUI. After my arrest, I had severe PTSD which landed me in the mental hospital for a week, and had me out on disability for six weeks. I was THAT traumatized. Before I went into the hospital, my mom told me she wanted me to sign an affidavit letting her have access to my account.

Reason being? Nine years ago I took out a loan from a shady internet loan service and never paid them back in full. As a result they had been trying to take money directly out of my account. I had to actually close my account and open a new one due to what this fraudulent company was doing. At the time I was about to go into the hospital, I had stopped hearing from this shady loan company. However, my mom wanted to make sure they weren't going to try taking money out of my account again.

There really was no reason for her to do this, and had I not been in an incredibly delicate state of mind, I would not have agreed. This was many years ago and I never did call my bank and remove her from being able to access my account. My bad. That part I take total responsibility for. Now I know I need to call my bank ASAP and completely remove her. As for the phone company, I have NEVER given her access or authorization to my account. She looked up the number to AT&T online, called on her own, gave them my social security number (they don't have passwords) and totally faked being me. I feel like my identity was stolen.

She completely broke my trust, and it's not something I can take lightly. As far as breaking off contact? I won't take it that far this time. Both my kids are incredibly attached to her, and to completely take them away from her I believe would be detrimental to their mental well being. I am, however, setting firm boundaries from now on and she will no longer be having free access to my kids. She will see them on MY terms. If she doesn't, I feel it will be necessary to stop her from being in our lives. I just hope it never gets to that point. She is the only family member we are close with.