my mother-ugh!


Active Member
my mother will never soften. she turned 81 two weeks ago. I am one of 7, the middle child. I always get stuck with her because no one will put up with her. so before her BD I asked my siblings if they would have her birthday for a change. all said NO because she acts up too much, but they would come if I had it. so I caved and had it and they all came here. we had a good time. she was her usual self "rolleyes" she told me the exact food she wanted cooked, when and how to serve it, etc etc. I always use my best china, cloth napkins and decorate with streamers, balloons and party stuff and serve her fav wine, etc etc. I bit my tongue blue and did it. she complained over all the gifts from everyone telling everyone how she didnt want this or that. she had told me no gifts for her so I made 5 dz of her fav cookies..pizzelles.. and planned to serve them to the 48 guests along with the other desserts my sis brought. when she got here, she told me I could not serve them as she was taking them home. all. for herself, so I gave them to her. I told her I had bought ice cream and would have that with the cake my sis made. she said NO ICE CREAM...I served it anyway.

so a few dys later she asked me to stop over. I had gotten my hair cut shorter than my usual shoulder length. she said it did not look nice on me. I shut up. she then proceeded to complain over the gifts she had received and had a stack there wondering how she was to give them back to people. I suggested she not give the gifts back but to regift them down the road. she said she was telling people to take them back themselves. grrr. next subject was that someone bought her an entertainment book you know, the coupon discount book. she did not want it. she was mad that they already registered it in her name on their internet because she doesnt have internet. she said the book was all golf coupons and she doesnt golf. I told her to look carefully there were lots of things in the book. she screamed at me that I was just like my sister and she is not dumb or senile and she knows what she knows. I said I had to go now and almost ran out of there.

so we get to today. she mentions she is going to a fancy party at a hall for my uncle's 75th birthday at 5pm today. she was eating 4 pizzelles for a snack to hold her off because it was catered and she wanted to eat there.

I hung up and it dawned on me that my big ole family only rents a hall when we are ALL invited.
I called her back. sure enuf...all 7 of us bros and sisters AND our kids were invited and she told my aunt we could not make it! UGH AND ^*&^*%*$&^ !!!!!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif

(my family is huge-103 first cousins and it is traditional to send one invitation to the older generation and it includes everyone...the word is passed down and then the person who got the invitation rsvps with a number coming. )

seems lots of my cousins will be there. wah! :tears:

I told her she should not speak for us. she said she thought we would all be busy. she knew about this for months!! my older sis said she just found out last night and it is true.

I sent my uncle a card and told him I am sorry I missed his mom must have forgotten to tell us.

this woman is so unnerving!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif


New Member
OMG!!! You must have the patients of a saint to spend any time with her. My stomach was in knots everytime you got to a different episode.
You need to pass along the message to ever is at the top of the chain that someone else needs to contact you regarding plans and not leave it to your mother to tell you about them.


Active Member
I feel your annoyance/frustration. She sounds like a hard to please woman, or one who just enjoys "*itching" really.
Sorry about the family birthday party. Perhaps you need to let other family members know (on the sly) that they should continue to extend the invite via your mom as per usual to keep up the appearance of "the norm" for your mom's sake (and yours!) but also ensure that you or a sibling of yours is also informed to ensure that you all learn about family events.



Active Member
I have no patience left with her at all. I told her on the phone that she should not speak for us. she should let us decide on our own if we would like to go or not. I also told her I was sending a birthday card to my uncle and telling him and she did not tell us about the party..or I would have given him a hug in person.

my one otheruncle used to tell my mom when the family reunion was and now he sends us all our own invitations because she didnt tell us.

perhaps it is time to let one of my aunts know so she can email us when stuff is up. my dad was one of 17 kids. really! so there is a big bunch of us and we love spending time together. we have a three day sleepover family reunion that my mom hates and never goes to. my dad passed away and without him we lost our main link to his big loving family. my mom still sees the aunts and plays cards with them weekly so she knows when things go on for sure.

she is the most toxic stubborn person I ever met. I could go on and on and on! we all left home asap. my dad was truly a saint to put up with her. she is a major control freak! :mad: my sons will not answer the phone if they see it is her on caller ID. :wildone:

I cannot believe she made us miss this party!!!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif


Spork Queen
This is going to sounds like a REALLY cruel thing to say, but when my grandmother was fulling into Alzheimers...she was happier than any other day of her entire life. She couldn't remember that she was such a pain! :hammer:



New Member
Is there any way at all you can still make the party?


P.S. And I was just thinking what a poop she must be, to be telling you she was eating your pizzelli so she would not be hungry at the family reunion.

Like a trap closing.

Don't let her see she has hurt or upset you in any way.

Make that party if you can.

Take steps to see that this does not happen in future.

An 85 year old uncle's birthday party is not something any of us would want to miss.

I am sorry, Janet.

What a biatch.




Active Member
my mom has not lost her memory and cannot even use the excuse of that. she has a long history of this stuff. in fact, she gets meaner as she gets older.
she is relentless.

she is wealthy, can still drive, is spoiled. she never cooks, never had to work a day since she met my dad..has all the time in the world and is still impatient.

all I can do is strictly limit the time I talk to her or see her.

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
{{{hugs}}} Is she getting worse or has she always been this bad? My grandma became kind of vicious when she realized that she had started to slip a little when it came to her personal care and independence. It was like she went overboard trying to control every little thing, including others. Eventually, it got to the point where she had no control and at that point, she just about gave up and went senile. It was a sad decline.

Many gentle hugs - don't let her know she's getting to you and if you can at least stop by the party, I would.


Active Member
Barbara, I cannot go because it was a catered RSVP type event. my uncle's 75th birthday party starts in an hour. I found out several relatives came in from out of state even for it. sigh. I also have other plans for tonight.

I keep a flat tone of voice with her or she makes it worse. I simply told her to let us know next time so we can choose for ourselves. she said she thought we would all be too busy to go. well, now then, we would have planned on it months ago like we would a wedding or any other event you go to. DUH.


Active Member
my mom was always controlling. she used to hold us down and cut off our hair, slap us til we wore handprints on us, we would scream for my dad to come rescue. she would tell us she "made us and can do what she wants". she would hold you down and squeeze your pimples while you screamed.
when I had to get married at 18 due to pregnancy, I told her I wanted no wedding party just a simple church service. when we got back from the church she had a party planned at the house including inviting only my side of the family and never telling me, none of my then husband's side was told. they were livid. I was angry enough that I felt like tossing the cake she picked at her. I left her house that day asap and never went back to live. My son was born with heart disease and she manhandled all that as much as she could. when he died, she called my boss at work and tell him not to let me quit that I was losing my mind. I wasnt. she has called several of our bosses and interfered.

she told my husband early on not to take any crap from me and encouraged his emotional abuse of me and my sons. she continued to try to make me stay with him when I finally got the courage to leave. she tortured me with calls and trying to force him back in. she secretly met with him to try to keep him in the know of my life. she enabled ant.

she hurt me many many times. thing is, not only me but the 7 of us. no one wants to be with her. we all turned out good inspite of her and support ourselves and never ask for a thing. our kids (her 21 grandkids) hide from her and never want to see her because she tells them they look stupid, she hates their hair, clothes, what they do in life. she calls their cell phones and leaves messages for them to seek out jobs she sees in the paper (even though they work and are good kids for the most part)

when she visits she moves your stuff around, I had a ceramic item I made and loved and she hated it. one day she broke it on purpose. she used to have a key to my house til I found her sneaking in here to change things around one day.

she got a hold of boyfriend's cell phone and one weekend called him and when he didnt answer, she told him off for not answering. I told her I forbid her to ever call him again.

she never quits. as I said...I could go on and on and on...


New Member

You have your hands full. Toxic seems like the right word and limiting you time seems saintly and wise. You are a magnificent daughter in very hard times.

Sue C

Active Member
Janet -- I am so sorry. Your mom has caused you so much pain from little on and continues to do so. I don't know how you cope with it. Is there any way you could just flat out refuse to do next year's birthday party?

Do you think that if she needs to live with someone some day, she will expect you to let her live with you? I think I'd have a nursing home picked out already.

I think my mom is passive-aggressive controlling. I am a middle child and always want to do what keeps peace, so I imagine you are the same way. I know, it's hard.



Active Member
sue, I will not do the party next year. no way.
None of us will let her live in our homes. she can afford a nice retirement place if need be.
Your mother and mine must be clones!!!

OMG - some of your "stories" are identical to mine. I have started to use the word toxic - too!

I have finally learned that I cannot change HER - I can only change myself. So for myself - I try to have as little contact as possible.

I feel for you - it's so frustrating.



Warrior Parent
janet I'm sorry, too, that you were not blessed with a more loving caring woman as your mother. That's still such a surprise to me, that some women just don't "do" 'Mom' like mine did!

Your mom does, however, remind me of my DEX mother in law! Her icy tentacles can still reach out for me!! :shocked: The upside of that? It's thru her cruelty of me, that I was pointed to this site. Which has been my savior.


P.S. - say hi to ant for me! I'm thinking of him these days, not sure why. Thanks!


call 911

You know, if it was raining...pouring down buckets of rain on your game day and I knew there was the slightest chance that you were going to show up on the field I would be sitting in the stands; soaking wet, like a dog without a home holding up my GO JANET sign in one hand while shaking the rain out of my pom pon for you in the other. Never metcha...but just wanted to know I'm one of your biggest fans. (Not that I'm huge or anything, althought I have gained a few pounds since we met) but that is another story about....meeeeee and this is about YOU.

Listen (exhales loudly, twists face and lips in thought) Your Mom. She could be a succubus reincarnated and I wouldn't say a word against her. She's YOUR Mom. Without a doubt you have tissue issues with her that have at this point probably gone from cement tears to concrete stepping stones in the lovely garden you've made your life in the past few years. (You know I'm proud of YOU). And it occurs to me that as an adopted kid, we don't get to pick and choose our parents. It's pretty much a crap shoot and I guess you and your sibs rolled snake eyes. (No pun intended). OH yes I did intend a pun. That was good. Snort.

I'm not quite sure what anyone could say that would ever make it better between you and her. I am learning in therapy that people who don't ever want to change can't be changed, but it doesn't mean that my life has to go on being miserable or that I have to be around that abusive person. Your Mom is abusive. It's no different than your ex. But you apparently allow her (learned that in thearpy too) to continue this HOLD over your life. You don't have to tell me why, but might be a good time in YOUR life since your purging unnecessary things, and people to ask yourself why her? Why does SHE get to stay around wonderful YOU? I get the Bible tells us so. Honor and all....but you can honor her from a distance, without being involved. Yes NO? So she doesn't like your hair, she liked your pizzelles. (My favorite cookie with anise) She didn't tell you about the party for your uncle, but she allowed (huh!) you to have HER birthday party for her.

Slapped you until your face was handprinted? WOW that hurt goes back a long time doesn't it? I guess somethings we hold on to to remind us that people will never be allowed to take advantage of us again, why else would we hold on to memories like that? They certainly aren't pleasurable ones. Must be some good reason for hanging on to the bad ones. I hang on to mine because I vowed NEVER again to be taken advantage of by a person who abused me again, in any way shape or form, and if they had done so at anytime in my life, I would forgive them and then remove them from my day to day life.

You dear one, are precious. In a bed of craggy rocks and oyster shells you shimmer like a pearl. This you know. So when Mom decides to take her mental illness out on you at the first bite? Excuse yourself and tell her that you choose to no longer be her victim, punching bag or however you can word it, and tell her when and if she can treat you with the respect that she could never treat herself with you will allow her to have something to do with you. then walk out, shut the door and leave. Phones hang up, doors shut without slamming, and you deserve to be treated with if nothing else, () much respect from her. If she chooses to be a horses patute, it's her misery on missing out on the daughter that WE KNOW....without EVER MEETING IN a WONDERFUL and FANTASTIC LADY.

Don't you forget that......rha rha rheeeee kick her in the knee....
rha rha rhass.....kick her in the....
other knee.

Much Love


New Member
Janet, I'm so sorry you missed your uncle's birthday party. More that you missed it for those reasons. You have always been a very loving daughter to do the things that we always think should be done. I hope you can alert someone to notify you of future events and follow through with them as YOU choose! Again, I'm so sorry!


Well-Known Member
Janet - You are a good person for tolerating her. My mother was like yours-evil and horrific. As of a few years ago I ceased all contact. That was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I couldn't take the constant put-downs and abuse. -Alyssa