You wanna know how I found out I was adopted? The very day that my parents decided to sit down and tell me the very mean neighbor girl (whom I dislike to this day) came running up to my face and screamed in a mocking tone - "Your parents aren't your REAL parents you were adopted." I was so angry. I went marching home, knocked on our front door and looked up at my Mother and said "Tell her YOU ARE my real Mother." and the look on her face at that moment? I can still see her telling jerk-wad to go home and telling me to come inside. I was about five. I didn't understand it, and about an hour later? It didn't matter anyway. I had bigger battles to fight - you know, jerk wad poking sticks through the fence and calling me names. Mostly because I had a hobby horse and she had ugly, natural parents.
It wasn't until about seventh grade that I even ran into another girl that even OPENLY admitted she was adopted. I remember slinking back in my chair and thinking to myself 'I'm not going to admit that, if I do the other kids will think I'm different or weird or something." So I kept my mouth shut. But Amy? Amy kept on and on about her Mother not being her real Mother and how she was going to look for her bio Mom when she was older and all the other things I hadn't even begun to think about. She said her Mom KNEW where her REAL Mom was and her real Mom KNEW where she was, she was just too busy to come see her. I thought - 'How weird - why would your Mom know where you were and NOT want to see you?" So I asked her. Amy either had a vivid imagination or a really wild bio Mom, but needless to say - she was not going to give up looking. She didn't either. When we were in high school she found, and went to her bio Mom and did the SURPRISE thing and it was tragic. Bio Mom was angry, bitter, told her she never should have come - she HAD a Mother, why did she ruin 18 years didn't she think it was hard enough on her already? I mean Amy was devastated. I'm not sure she ever recovered from it, and she went from straight A student to alcoholic in no time flat. I watched her spiral and finally admitted to her that I was also an adoptee, but I loved My Mom and Dad. When she asked if I ever thought about looking I said "Well yes and no." Yes - I'm curious about who I am, and of course I would always throw in that 'for medical purposes' yadda yadda -which by the way is ****. I have so many things wrong with me if I had known what was coming down the pike WHAT could I have done about it anyway? Nothing. Thalassemia - poof there it is. lol. Like I needed to know about THAT 20 years ago. Then I told her that most of me felt a tug between being LOYAL and CURIOUS.
See that's the part that I think is the inner battle for a lot of people. You dont' want to come off as ungrateful for what you have, but at the same time - there MIGHT be a connection somewhere else. It's a gamble to be sure. When I asked at about 16 yo? My Mother did the coolest thing to help me decide if I wanted to pursue looking any further. It didn't help me with the subconscious stuff - but it helped me give up the battle for the search question. We were walking in the mall and this beautiful, well dressed, georgeous, business like woman in a suit, not a hair out of place with a briefcase, nails - I mean she was stunning for about 38-40ish - walked by us. My Mom leans over and says "What if she was your birthmother?" My mind went racing. All I could think was - OMG I KNEW IT - I was not born MIDDLE CLASS - I was born to people with money - and someday THERE WILL BE AN INHERITANCE for me, I bet she drives a BMW - I bet she is really smart. And as she walked by? All these things went through my mind about IF that person - so well put together, were to be my Mother. Ahhh I just knew it. And we finished the rest of our shopping with me feeling a little lighter. It was almost (to me) as if my Mom had given me a clue....you know, I WAS RICH (remember the princess theory?) yeah....well I was so happy.
So then later in the day we go to Kmart. As we're walking up to the door, there is a very heavy, and when I say very I mean in those days she was well over 400 lbs and that was hardly seen then - and short, wearing sweat pants that were two sizes two small, nasty dirty tennis shoes, her hair was short, unkept, she waddled from side to side when she walked, and she was SCREAMING at two boys who were very unbehaved, crawling all over the place on those dime rides of horses and something else - but she was screaming non-English slang I mean near hillbilly at them and in public. As we got closer I could see she was missing teeth or didn't have teeth, and was dirty to boot. The kids weren't well kept. Dirty clothes, messy hair. So as me and my Mom walked past Mom leans over to me and says "AND What if She was your bio Mother?" I was stunned. I had never thought about it like that. I mean not once did it ever occur to me that THAT could occur. I kept saying I just wanted to find out if I had brothers and sisters - but WOW .......was THAT worth it? I worked a job at that time and could just picture the Kmart woman screaming "Bring me home a Pepsi and some Newports and some diapers for your sisters baby." I wasn't walking so high in my sneakers after that.
So it hit me so profoundly that day - that it was a 50/50 chance or I could land somewhere in the middle, or maybe the story would be a lost Vietman Vet love...gone to war. I mean it's been so long - the records are sealed. They're sealed for a reason. But the one thing I disagree with in sealing records is that everyone should KNOW WHY they were given up. I think that would help you adjust. I mean the birth Mother and Father could even write - unable to support financially and WOW what a difference that would make in your mind. Or Father abandoned, could not raise alone. Mother ill, not able to care for infant, Father unknown. SOMETHING ANYTHING that just doesn't leave your mind whirling around wondering why?
I think something that may help your son on his journey? Talking to someone who is adopted/adjusted and grounded about it. I was fortunate to have a wonderful set of parents, and later a fantastic counselor that did EMDR therapy, which fast tracked a lot of issues for me. I had been in counseling several years though -and very ready to put it behind me. I felt so lifted after. Maybe other adoptees his age would be able to help - but for now? I think maybe what you and your husband could use is maybe a visit to a counselor that deals with kids, and adoption issues - and if the one you are seeing hasn't helped so far? Id find another. Sometimes kids just need to click before they open their mouths. Sometimes that isn't going to happen. I hope and pray he gets to talk to someone about this. The sooner the better.
Hugs
Star