My son is in the hospital.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Jul 28, 2016.

  1. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I kicked my son out Monday. Because I had insisted he arrange to enter into treatment. I gave him 10 days. He has coverage under my insurance. I did not specify residential treatment. I said any treatment: NA, AA, personal therapist, County Mental Health, inpatient, whatever. But you cannot stay here without getting some kind of treatment.

    He spent the week reaching out to several options and smoking lots and lots of dope. By the end of the interval, we kicked him out. He left with his sleeping bag and there it was.

    We wondered about him and worried about him. M said he had called yesterday from a number in the big city. Today he told me he had called from what M thought was a hospital. I called the number, and it was a regional medical center with a psychiatric unit. Nobody would put me through. The contact from the residential treatment center that my son thought was the best bet, called today too, and said that all barriers to his admission had been removed by the insurance company. That he could enter.

    Unfortunately, M said, he is not here. He went to the big city and I do not know how to reach him.

    I am grateful my son is safe and while I can see it showed good judgment (in a sense) to gain admission to a psychiatric hospital, (he probably had no money to eat), it peeves me that he lives this way.

    I am hoping that he will indeed go to the residential treatment center, but, we are at the end of the month--his SSI check arrives. Probably tomorrow. With money in his pocket who knows what he will do. I know my son does not want to live on the street. And as far as I know there are no doors open to him--by friends. Will he again be satisfied to live near the street--ripped off, to get a couch to sleep on, and no security that he will not be thrown out, half his check gone and nowhere to live?

    Hopefully the stability we gave him, gives him the moment to think about whether or not he wants to go back to something so marginal. But I am without any control here. I do know that.

    I just hope my son makes the right choice.

    He could no more live here. He was regressing. There had been a lot of growth on his part, but it had stopped. The dope. The lying. The busting the wall. He was trying to dominate again. Whether or not he was engineering things for this to come to an end or not, I do not know. But we had no choice.

    Now he does. I hope he does right for himself. Pray with me. Please.

    Thank you.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Prayers and hugs.
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Praying with you...for him, for clarity. Hugs
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is a good start, if he stays.
  5. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Praying for you Copa. Also as MOF said, praying for clarity for your son.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Prayers for all of you.

    Remember it's HIS journey. Try to step back and find peace.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    :hugs:You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, he will get the treatment he needs.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Sending prayers and hugs Copa.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Copious prayers being sent, Copa :group-hug:
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Joining in with the others, Copa. He is safe. He sought a safe place, rather than going back to the uncertain living situation he had before. That is a good sign. Hoping he gets what he needs for this next step in his journey.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  11. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Well, at least this is SOME good news. I cannot tell you what he will do. Though, him getting his hand on some cash before he decides to take this spot he has been waiting for would drastically decrease the chance that he actually goes. Same would go for ANY drug addict in his position. My twin sister just got arrested AGAIN, but she makes your son look absolutely brilliant. Long story short, sister robbed our house 2 years back. When it happened, I told my aunt that Amanda did it, but she honestly didn't even consider that a possibility, so she called the police. Something she still wishes she hadn't done because we are STILL paying for that mistake. Sister has spent a total 9 months behind bars on that single charge. They kept giving her drug court, mental health court, etc. And she absconded every single time. This last time, she was 2 weeks from finishing that program, and having that charge scrubbed from her record. My aunt was so proud of her, she decided to give her all of "her" money. My aunt has been using my sister's food stamp cards to do some of the shopping here, and she always gives her the difference in cash. Food stamps go for maybe 50 c on the dollar on the street, too. My aunt doesn't make a lot of sense when it comes to my sister... Anywho, she gave her a decent chunk of change, and had her hopes up for the first time in years. That night, she absconded from the treatment place.

    Now, this wasn't my aunt's fault, of course. The point is that an addict not committed to recovery by their own choice doesn't fare very well in the long run. And the chance they may have will be decreased with every dollar they are given. It's kinda like giving a strip of bacon to a dog and expecting him not to eat it. We do not have the foundation required to make the honest, responsible choice to put that money away, and commit to the program. Not right away, at least. We WILL convince ourselves that we have earned "just one (hit, line, shot, drink, etc.)". We will convince ourselves that it's only fair to have one last good run before stopping. These are all delusions. And it leads to our failure every single time. Yes, we need to be treated as adults, but we need to be able to think like adults first. We cannot do money. It might be sad, but it is true. Control over things like that should be given gradually, and only after we demonstrate we are ready for the responsibility. Some people are fortunate enough to have the support of a large, loving family willing to go through all this for them, while others are not. Most dedicated treatment facilities do their best to fill in that role, but it is so much easier when it is a trusted loved one going through it with you, and not a well meaning stranger.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you Darkwing, and everybody.

    I did not tell him I needed him to go into a treatment facility. I said treatment. Because he had had the 2nd violent outburst since his arrival to my home and destruction of property. And then remorseful, or feigning remorse who knows, he told the psychiatrist he had suicidal thoughts, went to the alternative to hospitalization crisis unit--and then it was all clear cut.

    No staying here without treatment. I gave him 10 days. There were joints all over my yard. His room looked like sh-t, he was arrogant--and upshot--no treatment arranged. In process was not good enough. He'd had the option of getting a therapy appointment (free), or going to NA--he chose neither. Oh well.

    We will see what he does. I am uncertain how long the insurance authorization is good for--i.e. how long of an open window there is for him to show up. On Monday I am off. I will call the treatment place and maybe Blue Cross. I guess I need to put all of this on the back burner but it is hard--here today, gone tomorrow. And now, in a psychiatric hospital? He must have convinced them he was suicidal, if not made an attempt.

    And no thought of me. How it would be for me.

    There really is no notion of reciprocity. Of seeing that there is another person involved. We are really slot machines to be worked. And walked away from when we do not deliver the hoped for windfall.

    So, I walked away too. I have a bottom line.
    I guess.

    I am left feeling like my life has had no meaning, no value. Like the heart of me is cut out.

    I know most of it is that horrible job that keeps taking and taking. I just hate it. HATE IT. Except, as always, I love the patients. That part, is rewarding. But everything else. Pure hate.

    Thank you everybody.
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2016
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I see this totally differently, Copa. I see him going to get help BECAUSE he was thinking of you.

    He used to be quite happy to languish on couches, living minute to minute, not getting treatment for his hepatitis, not caring how it ended. He is not that person anymore.

    And you didn't walk away. You set reasonable expectations and he didn't abide by them. As SWOT said, as I put in my signature line, we too reach our bottoms.

    I see these past few months as you helping him find his footing. And I sure don't see you as walking away. I see this as the next step for him. I truly do. As COM points out, change is uncomfortable. It does not "feel" right. It pushes our limits and makes us grow in ways we don't like.

    He is choosing to give a damn about his life, Copa. He is choosing to have faith in his future.

    The job, Copa, is a double-edged sword. It is awful, and you hate it. But maybe it is a good thing, in that it reminds you that you are more than your son's choices?
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  14. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    You are not obligated to put up with ANY of the horse :censored2:. And the fact that you put up with as much as you do is a testament to your patience, and understanding. The anger issues are troubling, though. Does that happen often? And is it always followed by a period of remorse, and self loathing? Those aren't good signs... Those are the same signs that a wife beater shows. I am sure the remorse itself is genuine, but that isn't at all relevant if he does NOTHING to rectify his outbursts in any way, right? The time to accept an apology is when he actually makes efforts to improve in the future. Anything less may as well just be hollow sentiment.

    Good on you for sticking to the conditions you set, though. He had more opportunities in the last ten days than many people will ever get throughout their life time. You did your part, now it's on him to do his own part. Sink, or swim, it is on him. Not you.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  15. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight, as is your son. Please keep us posted.

    I, too, think you did the right thing for all of you. Absolutely.

    Hoping your son goes through with getting help.

    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My quote machine for some reason is not working.

    Albatross. Or another way to look at entry into the hospital: he smoked up all of his SSI money, was counting on coasting until the first eating our food, and bingo--new check on the first.

    The only argument against that is that he did call here from the hospital and ask M to give him a phone number--which it turns out was the treatment center. He called 2 x for that number. And he called from the hospital. And he did provide them with what they needed to admit him. If he contacts them again. So he did do something. There is plausibility to your hopefulness, Albatross. Thank you.

    You know. I did not reach my bottom. Neither I nor M could look ourselves in the mirror letting him slide, let alone backslide. That would make me responsible for his enabling his self-loathing, and lack of hope. How could I do that?

    Now, Albatross, the jury is still out on whether he will take care of his physical health. He has an appointment Oct 5th in the Big City, not far from where he is hospitalized, but who knows if he will follow through. He has put into jeopardy so many times his life and his relationship with his doctor. It is painful for me to even hold in my mind.

    You are right about work. At least the vitriol I call up hating it all day, distracts me a little bit from my despair. And my focus is on other mother's difficult child sons--the irony does not escape me--very mentally ill felons. Young and old. Anybody reading this know this: I am loving up your son. And I do it with a smile and a broken heart.

    SS. Thank you for your support and bucking me up.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Darkwing, my son's cycle of violent outburst followed by extreme self-abnegation is as you describe. Except, as he would be the first to say, he does not hurt anybody.

    But your words underscore exactly why I had no wiggle room about insisting he leave. In these 5 or so months he has been back, it happened twice. To me, that was a pattern. He had done it years ago when much younger. He is older than you are, Darkwing. Significantly so. 27. To enable an almost 30 year old man to act out, I could not do.

    I will not let him near my home or me, unless I know he has gone to treatment--including for anger. Honestly he self-medicates with pot he buys on the street (there is a medical cannabis law here and he has a card.) If he is ill enough to require being loaded all the time, he is ill enough for psychiatric medications. I cannot force him, but I can very much restrict how much I see him or support him.

    I believe at this point in my life--it will surely break my heart to have to push him away. I am wondering if I have any options at all. I am too tired and sad to even know.

    Right now I am reading about world cruises. I have never been on a cruise or wanted to go on one. But I have been reading how very old people, now, are going on long cruises instead of to rest homes or retirement homes. Hopefully, I am a couple of decades from this -- but the idea tickles me.

    I am investigating what cruise ship companies accept service dogs on board. My plan when Dolly dies is to get a small dog, like a Chinese Crested, and get a therapy dog certificate. I just may after some point spend the rest of my life on world cruises with my therapy dog.

    I am really in the mood to check out!
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  18. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    The physical health thing is perfectly normal. It doesn't take too long living the junkie lifestyle before EVERYTHING begins to get affected. Both mentally, and physically. And since our physical well being is dependent on us WANTING to be well, our mental well being is all the more crucial. We stop caring about our appearance, our hygiene, our overall health. This is why you can actually watch a junkie's progression (rather, regression) through mugshot photos. I was always a bit conceited. I took a lot of care in my appearance, and my physical health. But even for me, it all became second in my list of priorities. Which was, basically, 1.) Obtain drugs, and 2.) Anything else, but ONLY if I completed number 1.

    And it does sound like he is starting to come around, even if he hasn't fully committed himself. The fact that he shows initiative and made those phone calls certainly isn't something to scoff at or disregard. It is probably more than he has done in a very long time, isn't it? At the very least, he has spent some amount of time truly looking at himself, and what he is becoming. That's a hard thing for us to do. Both literally, and metaphorically. I avoided actual mirrors. Not because I was so concerned about how my hair looked or anything like that. I just didn't want to have to see myself at all. My outward appearance, or what was inside. Junkies don't like themselves. They like themselves less and less as the addiction progresses. Until you actually hate yourself. Not the kind of hate where you want to attack the person. More like the kind of hate where the thought of a person is physically revolting. THAT is how we feel about ourselves when using.
  19. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    He's the same age as me. He isn't too old to change, superficially or drastically. You shouldn't give up home on him. Change isn't a singular event, but a process. It is many small changes that compound to result in something far removed from what was before. That is why it is good to acknowledge that, despite some of the negatives about this recent bout with him, good was clearly done, too. Now he just needs to make the positive parts outnumber the negative ones. It may feel like it is 2 steps forwards, one step back, and that is because it probably is. But even that is progress. He didn't destroy his life overnight, and nobody can expect him to fix it over night.

    I don't know a whole lot about anger problems. My dad was the stereotypical wife beater, though. Literally wore white tank tops, too. I mean, think about the most cliche wife beater you can possibly imagine, and you wont be too far off from my dad. He wasn't above hitting us, either. One of the only useful things that man ever gave me was the ability to take a punch. And his intelligence. Man is brilliant. I don't have real anger issues, though. I have blown up a few times here or there, but it is extremely rare. Even when I have been forced to use violence, I usually never did it in a blind rage, where I lose control of myself, or what I was doing. Only 1 time have I really lost it in recent memory, and that was when my twin sister was screaming horrible things at my aunt, and I ended up grabbing her by the shoulders, and head butted her. Straight up KO'd her. I didn't like that feeling, though. While she had it coming, I regretted doing it.

    If he is losing himself routinely, you should bring that up with him, or whoever will hear you out when he finally does start some form of real treatment. Not only is that a very dangerous trait for you, and anybody else around him, it will always stand in the way of his progression. If it is what it sounds like, it may be a fundamental part of who he is. Meaning he can't just wish it away, but will need to make conscious steps to improve his self control. He obviously doesn't want to physically harm you, or others, but that is a distinct possibility if he is seeing red, as they say.
  20. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    I did a cruise once. To Puerto Vallarta, and other coasts around that area. Freshman year in high school, I think. I was SUPER excited about it. Which lasted right up until the moment I set foot on the boat. Turns out, I get very sickly on water. I don't fly well, either, but this was something different. Probably has something to do with the fact that I cannot even swim. Something that I hadn't even considered before the boat departed. So I spent the entire time in my cabin, vomiting up what little I could eat. Felt really bad about it. Didn't want to bring anybody else down with me, so I did the best I could to take care of myself while at sea. Enjoyed all the activities off the boat, though.