My son relapsed....
- Thread starter RN0441
- Start date
RN, I am sorry he relapsed but remember almost all addicts relapse several times. He may relapse again. All is not lost, they just get back up and start over, they did not lose everything they learned. FWIW the pill bottles probably were a big trigger, just like the sound of opening a can of pop can be a trigger for an alcoholic. That's one of the reasons it's important to be away from all people and triggers from your past.
This is a rocky road we walk, it's not straight and smooth. I know the chaos it caused to our insides.
This is a rocky road we walk, it's not straight and smooth. I know the chaos it caused to our insides.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
RN. I so sympathize. My son has been in rehab countless times and the dance continues. I have no answers. What I have learned is recovery is a process for them and for us. Relapse is a part of that process for them and for us. I do think each time one they relapse they get a little closer to realizing this isn't working for them.....
One think I have learned in alanon is that it is important to let go of the outcome. Sometimes I can do this and sometimes I can't.
My guess is your son is sincere and means what he says.... The thing is just because he means what he says today doesn't mean he will do what he says tomorrow.
All you can do is love him as he finds his way on his journey.
One think I have learned in alanon is that it is important to let go of the outcome. Sometimes I can do this and sometimes I can't.
My guess is your son is sincere and means what he says.... The thing is just because he means what he says today doesn't mean he will do what he says tomorrow.
All you can do is love him as he finds his way on his journey.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Nancy - yes just SEEING the pill bottles were a trigger he said. I feel badly because this girl is sweet, sober and cares for him and now I do not want him in her house because of her mom having those pills. He ruins everything he touches. He is completely away from his past. He is 1500 miles away from home/us.
In a Daze - he never wants to go. It's always an ultimatum. He hasn't accepted how bad his addiction really is.
Toughlovin - I do feel he means it, for NOW, as you said. He has to have continuing support with NA and a sponsor.
I replay the overdose in my head over and over. I did not really SEE it but I see the picture he sent to us Father's Day morning of his toes in her pool. Then I think of what she told me, how he fell asleep, started breathing funny and turning blue. 911 was called. Oxygen, ambulance, hospital. OMG it's awful.
I am going to have a hard talk with him today when he calls. I need some answers. I know I need to see a therapist. I can't deal with this. I feel like a dingy in a big ocean.
In a Daze - he never wants to go. It's always an ultimatum. He hasn't accepted how bad his addiction really is.
Toughlovin - I do feel he means it, for NOW, as you said. He has to have continuing support with NA and a sponsor.
I replay the overdose in my head over and over. I did not really SEE it but I see the picture he sent to us Father's Day morning of his toes in her pool. Then I think of what she told me, how he fell asleep, started breathing funny and turning blue. 911 was called. Oxygen, ambulance, hospital. OMG it's awful.
I am going to have a hard talk with him today when he calls. I need some answers. I know I need to see a therapist. I can't deal with this. I feel like a dingy in a big ocean.
so ready to live
Well-Known Member
Hi RN.
We got a call a long time ago from police at 2am that they found son's car near a railroad track about a mile from our home, abandoned. You can imagine what we thought he had done. We walked the tracks looking for him in the middle of the night, went home without figuring anything out. Got call from his "friend" next morning that THEY had left his car after he passed out, "breathed funny" and they called 911. Alcohol/drug poisoning. In ICU. He was 19. He recovered from that incident but has he learned anything?--hard to tell.
Sometimes you got "nothin", as they say. Just no more strength to endure.
I'll throw you a life preserver or paddle hard with you...
We got a call a long time ago from police at 2am that they found son's car near a railroad track about a mile from our home, abandoned. You can imagine what we thought he had done. We walked the tracks looking for him in the middle of the night, went home without figuring anything out. Got call from his "friend" next morning that THEY had left his car after he passed out, "breathed funny" and they called 911. Alcohol/drug poisoning. In ICU. He was 19. He recovered from that incident but has he learned anything?--hard to tell.
Sometimes you got "nothin", as they say. Just no more strength to endure.
Hang on this-good words and an image for you to replace the one playing in your mind. Prayers.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
RN, just getting caught up, I am so sorry for the heartache of this. If only there was a simple answer, a "stop the madness" button that would wake our kids up to better choices.
If it is any consolation, at least being homeless, or in a shelter is not an option for your son, it seems that is his deterrent and he would choose treatment and rehab over that. He has a "rock bottom" there. Even if it is not his first choice, he is making the move towards sobriety and a better life.
I am still waiting to see that for Rain. I don't know how she does it day in and out.
Hopefully this scare will be the pivot point for your son, but it doesn't make the horrible reality of an adult child facing addiction any easier for you and your husband. All of the what ifs and what could haves are still there to deal with. I am glad your son is back in treatment.
My heart goes out to you and all of us in this struggle. May God give us the strength to carry on and live well day to day.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
If it is any consolation, at least being homeless, or in a shelter is not an option for your son, it seems that is his deterrent and he would choose treatment and rehab over that. He has a "rock bottom" there. Even if it is not his first choice, he is making the move towards sobriety and a better life.
I am still waiting to see that for Rain. I don't know how she does it day in and out.
Hopefully this scare will be the pivot point for your son, but it doesn't make the horrible reality of an adult child facing addiction any easier for you and your husband. All of the what ifs and what could haves are still there to deal with. I am glad your son is back in treatment.
My heart goes out to you and all of us in this struggle. May God give us the strength to carry on and live well day to day.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
Getting to the point that we don't WANT to take drugs is the eventual goal, but we cannot possibly reach that goal unless we can put together significant clean time and real recovery. Regardless of how serious an addict is about getting better, it takes a lot of work and time. We don't have the foundation required to say no to a drug if the opportunity arises. This is why we need to remove ourselves from the possibility of obtaining drugs. Which means cutting ties with friends who use. We can not get the needed amount of clean time if drugs are still in the picture, even if it is only to the peripheral. This is why we are taught that ALL mind altering substances need be avoided, at least for a decent amount of time. Including alcohol, pot, etc. Even if those aren't the real issue. They put us into a dangerous state of mind for our recovery. How can we truly appreciate sobriety if we aren't ACTUALLY sober? I couldn't JUST stop using pills. I didn't have a drink for over a year. Even now, I only drink maybe once a month.
Relapse isn't inevitable, but it is HIGHLY probable. It doesn't have to be a completely negative thing, however. As long as your son really evaluates how his relapse happened, he will know at least one more situation he should avoid in the future. He needs to identify triggers, and he needs to surgically cut out all parts of his life that may jeopardize his recovery. If he needs to slip up to discover what those parts are, so be it. As long as he gets back on the wagon and uses the experience.
ColleenB
Active Member
RN,
I haven't been online in a while, as it's been year end at my school and with prom, graduation...
I am so so sorry about all you have been going through, but so glad he is back on track again. Others have said it but relapse is part of recovery... A very painful part...
I'm glad you have some people in Florida to help you with your son. It must be hard being so far away.
I hope for some peace and rest for your weary heart.....
Take care, C
I haven't been online in a while, as it's been year end at my school and with prom, graduation...
I am so so sorry about all you have been going through, but so glad he is back on track again. Others have said it but relapse is part of recovery... A very painful part...
I'm glad you have some people in Florida to help you with your son. It must be hard being so far away.
I hope for some peace and rest for your weary heart.....
Take care, C
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks for all for your replies. I am not on CD on the weekends.
My son called me from detox Friday and told me a few things that were upsetting:
1. His girlfriend was giving him her mom's pills. OMG I cannot believe this and I don't want to know it. We just sent her an $80 bouquet of flowers for her 18th birthday (which is tomorrow). He asked me to do it before I found this out. He said she saved his life but I then told him she is also partly responsible. Just my luck he has to meet a girl that has a mom that has a friggin pharmacy in her bedroom! My husband and I both know how manipulative our son is so we hesitate to put a lot of blame on her. I feel she is young and in love with him and would do anything to please him. He said he won't go to her house anymore because of the pills her mom has. So what do I do now? Do I have a chat with her about giving him the pills or do I let it go? Do I leave it up to him? I see on her FB page that she goes to a Christian school and in my opinion very wholesome. Doesn't even wear makeup. My son says she is a wonderful person. He never has said that to me before about anyone. She is his only friend there. She took care of everything when he overdosed and he (and we) are very grateful. I imagine she learned a lesson from this.
2. He told me he got a traffic ticket and it was in his car. Said he turned down a one way on accident and was trying to turn around and got pulled over. Told police officer that he was new to area blah blah and she was not nice. We asked his house manager to get the ticket out of the car so he wouldn't miss court date. Well he had 2 tickets. One was for going the wrong way down a one way street and the other was for an OPEN BEER in the car. This was the same day he overdosed (Father's Day). He was on a binge of taking pills for a week and that was his grand finale. My husband is fit to be tied. His insurance is already expensive and now this. I know I know. We never should have sent the car there for him but we were being optimistic. He did well for four months. When do you know when something is the right thing to do???
My son knew that we would find out what the tickets were really for since his house manager had to get the keys from him in detox. He did not even call me on Saturday which was my birthday. I know he was afraid to call because of the whole car situation. I had a good cry Saturday night after my older son gave me flowers (and after I had a few martinis at dinner). I know he doesn't want to be like this. He called yesterday but I missed the call. I told him on Friday that he is trying to destroy himself. He said he is not! He is there now and healthy and happy. Glad someone is because I'm a mess. I don't think I will ever be the same since his overdose.
My son called me from detox Friday and told me a few things that were upsetting:
1. His girlfriend was giving him her mom's pills. OMG I cannot believe this and I don't want to know it. We just sent her an $80 bouquet of flowers for her 18th birthday (which is tomorrow). He asked me to do it before I found this out. He said she saved his life but I then told him she is also partly responsible. Just my luck he has to meet a girl that has a mom that has a friggin pharmacy in her bedroom! My husband and I both know how manipulative our son is so we hesitate to put a lot of blame on her. I feel she is young and in love with him and would do anything to please him. He said he won't go to her house anymore because of the pills her mom has. So what do I do now? Do I have a chat with her about giving him the pills or do I let it go? Do I leave it up to him? I see on her FB page that she goes to a Christian school and in my opinion very wholesome. Doesn't even wear makeup. My son says she is a wonderful person. He never has said that to me before about anyone. She is his only friend there. She took care of everything when he overdosed and he (and we) are very grateful. I imagine she learned a lesson from this.
2. He told me he got a traffic ticket and it was in his car. Said he turned down a one way on accident and was trying to turn around and got pulled over. Told police officer that he was new to area blah blah and she was not nice. We asked his house manager to get the ticket out of the car so he wouldn't miss court date. Well he had 2 tickets. One was for going the wrong way down a one way street and the other was for an OPEN BEER in the car. This was the same day he overdosed (Father's Day). He was on a binge of taking pills for a week and that was his grand finale. My husband is fit to be tied. His insurance is already expensive and now this. I know I know. We never should have sent the car there for him but we were being optimistic. He did well for four months. When do you know when something is the right thing to do???
My son knew that we would find out what the tickets were really for since his house manager had to get the keys from him in detox. He did not even call me on Saturday which was my birthday. I know he was afraid to call because of the whole car situation. I had a good cry Saturday night after my older son gave me flowers (and after I had a few martinis at dinner). I know he doesn't want to be like this. He called yesterday but I missed the call. I told him on Friday that he is trying to destroy himself. He said he is not! He is there now and healthy and happy. Glad someone is because I'm a mess. I don't think I will ever be the same since his overdose.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
RN, quitting isnt a given in four months, where he was basically monitored and his environment controlled. if it were me, and I did do this, I'd make him work and buy his own car. Cars are dangerous for users and why should you reward him by paying large insurance bills that are his own fault?
if it were me, I'd also refrain from getting overly involved with any of his girlfriends. $80 flowers? Why? Let him work and buy her things. Just because she goes to a Christian school and doesn't wear makeup does not make her drug free or a good influence. She obviously isn't. She is very immature if she will do anything your son wants, including get him drugs that almost killed him. Are you one of those kind people who always wants to believe the best about people? Believe it or not, your kind heart can blind you. Its sad, but true. girlfriend knew drugs could harm him. She loves him? Really?
My advice, which could be wrong, is to take the car and let son be responsible for himself now. Youve done all you can and more. He has to want being clean more than you want it for him or he won't do it. Don't give him prizes because you think he's clean. Dont fawn over his girlfriend. If he gets clean, his prize will be good health and sobriety.
His getting clean is for him. He wont fo it for you. Let him do it himself. The relationdhip between him and girlfriend should be between them. She can't make him quit either and it doesn't seem as if she is even supporting him in this.
I am so sorry for your hurting heart. in my opinion you need to do the best you can to move on and stop trying to save hum. You can't. It's icky for us to accept this too. I get it. I feel for you.
Try to have a peaceful day. Let go of the outcome of your sons drug abuse. if you have a higher power, hand your son to him/her. You are a champ. it's his turn to be one. Hugs.
if it were me, I'd also refrain from getting overly involved with any of his girlfriends. $80 flowers? Why? Let him work and buy her things. Just because she goes to a Christian school and doesn't wear makeup does not make her drug free or a good influence. She obviously isn't. She is very immature if she will do anything your son wants, including get him drugs that almost killed him. Are you one of those kind people who always wants to believe the best about people? Believe it or not, your kind heart can blind you. Its sad, but true. girlfriend knew drugs could harm him. She loves him? Really?
My advice, which could be wrong, is to take the car and let son be responsible for himself now. Youve done all you can and more. He has to want being clean more than you want it for him or he won't do it. Don't give him prizes because you think he's clean. Dont fawn over his girlfriend. If he gets clean, his prize will be good health and sobriety.
His getting clean is for him. He wont fo it for you. Let him do it himself. The relationdhip between him and girlfriend should be between them. She can't make him quit either and it doesn't seem as if she is even supporting him in this.
I am so sorry for your hurting heart. in my opinion you need to do the best you can to move on and stop trying to save hum. You can't. It's icky for us to accept this too. I get it. I feel for you.
Try to have a peaceful day. Let go of the outcome of your sons drug abuse. if you have a higher power, hand your son to him/her. You are a champ. it's his turn to be one. Hugs.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
SWOT - you are right.
We do not plan to give him the car back for a long time if ever. He has a long way to go after what happened. After detox he has to spend two weeks in inpatient program and then back to IOP with the place in Delray that he started out at. If he leaves the program or does not do as they ask - this time - we are telling him he has to go to a shelter and get a job and get himself back to where he needs to be without our car. We have learned a lesson here too. My husband just felt he was doing so good although I had my reservations all along. We all learned the hard way this time.
I am so disappointed that she did that. That she helped him get back into drugs. But I have to let him handle all of that. I just can't get over the shock. I am one of those people that looks for the good. I still blame him for this.
When he calls do I let him know how devastated we are and will continue to be? Do I tell him that there will come a point where we will no longer take his calls or be there for him? He said last week that I'm living in the past. Is it really the past when it's only been a week? I told him all this taught us is that HE cannot be sober on his own. He thought he could or maybe he wasn't committed enough to stay sober. I don't know anymore. I know that he is destroying me; intentional or not.
We do not plan to give him the car back for a long time if ever. He has a long way to go after what happened. After detox he has to spend two weeks in inpatient program and then back to IOP with the place in Delray that he started out at. If he leaves the program or does not do as they ask - this time - we are telling him he has to go to a shelter and get a job and get himself back to where he needs to be without our car. We have learned a lesson here too. My husband just felt he was doing so good although I had my reservations all along. We all learned the hard way this time.
I am so disappointed that she did that. That she helped him get back into drugs. But I have to let him handle all of that. I just can't get over the shock. I am one of those people that looks for the good. I still blame him for this.
When he calls do I let him know how devastated we are and will continue to be? Do I tell him that there will come a point where we will no longer take his calls or be there for him? He said last week that I'm living in the past. Is it really the past when it's only been a week? I told him all this taught us is that HE cannot be sober on his own. He thought he could or maybe he wasn't committed enough to stay sober. I don't know anymore. I know that he is destroying me; intentional or not.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Your son is trying to sweep everything under the rug, probably so that he can keep his car and have you pay his bills. The past is two years ago (when it comes to drug addiction it is actually never in the past...it is always a concern). One week is the here and now.
I feel you have the right to tell your son anything you feel. You can also set any boundaries that feel right. I wouldn't give him a long speech
Short and sweet. "We are disappointed in what has hapoened and you are now on your own. If you don't follow treatment recommendations this time, all money will be cut off. We will talk to you for fifteen minutes three times a week. We love you,but cant do this for you and will not make it easier for you to hurt yourself by giving you money and a car." Of course, use your own words and boundaries.
Be prepared for "Then I'lll kill myself."
You can hang up and call 911 if he says this, just to be safe. It is probably a manipulation, but I take the threat seriously.
Hugs and stand strong.
I feel you have the right to tell your son anything you feel. You can also set any boundaries that feel right. I wouldn't give him a long speech
Short and sweet. "We are disappointed in what has hapoened and you are now on your own. If you don't follow treatment recommendations this time, all money will be cut off. We will talk to you for fifteen minutes three times a week. We love you,but cant do this for you and will not make it easier for you to hurt yourself by giving you money and a car." Of course, use your own words and boundaries.
Be prepared for "Then I'lll kill myself."
You can hang up and call 911 if he says this, just to be safe. It is probably a manipulation, but I take the threat seriously.
Hugs and stand strong.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm always afraid I'll say something to make it worse but how can it get any worse? I don't really even want to talk to him. I feel guilty for saying that.
I see a therapist today at 5. I have not seen her before. I hope she can offer some suggestions.
I see a therapist today at 5. I have not seen her before. I hope she can offer some suggestions.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Hi RN,
I sympathize. I have been where you are as you know. I really think a key is when you choose to do something for him you have to let go of the outcome. We still help my son out and we hope he is getting back on his feet but we have stopped asking a lot of questions about substance use because we have no control over it...AND we know full well if he is using he will lie about it anyway. So we only do what we feel good about doing regardless of the outcome. I have come to realize I will always love him, probably always want some contact regardless of if he is using or not. My love and care for him are not dependent on his non use of substances. There are things I won't do if I think he is not trying to help himself. But I had to get to a place where I personally wasn't so invested in his sobriety....that's for him to be invested in not me.
I sympathize. I have been where you are as you know. I really think a key is when you choose to do something for him you have to let go of the outcome. We still help my son out and we hope he is getting back on his feet but we have stopped asking a lot of questions about substance use because we have no control over it...AND we know full well if he is using he will lie about it anyway. So we only do what we feel good about doing regardless of the outcome. I have come to realize I will always love him, probably always want some contact regardless of if he is using or not. My love and care for him are not dependent on his non use of substances. There are things I won't do if I think he is not trying to help himself. But I had to get to a place where I personally wasn't so invested in his sobriety....that's for him to be invested in not me.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes TL you are right. It is on him. I know that but I forget. I'm trying to get to where I need to be. I feel only happy when he is (or I think he is) on the mend it seems. It sucks.
He just called me. He is getting out of detox tomorrow. Into inpatient house for 2 weeks then IOP then sober living. Rinse and repeat as they say.
He now is saying girlfriend did not give him any pills. He took them himself. Also doesn't seem concerned about two tickets. Doesn't get it that he can only have 3 moving violations and they take your license. And insurance goes sky high. I told him we aren't sure if he'll ever get car back also.
I did tell him this time that if he doesn't go with the program, complains about therapists, director etc. that we are cutting him loose. I can't keep doing this. He didn't really want to hear it.
I have no idea what it will take to get him to realize things are bad and it's all his doing.
He just called me. He is getting out of detox tomorrow. Into inpatient house for 2 weeks then IOP then sober living. Rinse and repeat as they say.
He now is saying girlfriend did not give him any pills. He took them himself. Also doesn't seem concerned about two tickets. Doesn't get it that he can only have 3 moving violations and they take your license. And insurance goes sky high. I told him we aren't sure if he'll ever get car back also.
I did tell him this time that if he doesn't go with the program, complains about therapists, director etc. that we are cutting him loose. I can't keep doing this. He didn't really want to hear it.
I have no idea what it will take to get him to realize things are bad and it's all his doing.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I dont think any of us know or knew. sometimes something clicks but it doesnt always make sense to us. then other l times horrible things happen and it still doesn't click.
Drug land is unrealstic, unpredictable and untruthful. in other words, believe nothing of what they tell you because they WILL lie. In one ear, out the other. Listen with cynicism.
I an sorry you are hurting.
Drug land is unrealstic, unpredictable and untruthful. in other words, believe nothing of what they tell you because they WILL lie. In one ear, out the other. Listen with cynicism.
I an sorry you are hurting.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
RN, you are YOU, and your son is himself.
You are taking on way too much responsibility for what you say or do in the equation of the outcome of his choices. Oh the guilt, what's said, not said done, not done, it is never ending. Walking on eggshells. I think that this is part of the illness of addiction that is passed over to us. We take on their consequences, more so than they do. It is hard not to do when caught up in the whirlwind of their lives, because we love them and want the best for them. We reap what they sow and everything that comes along with it. Carrying on with our own lives, stuffing the raw ugly reality down just to be able to function, but the truth is, it begins to consume us in one form or another.
But, we are separate people. We have our lives to live. We have raised our kids to our best ability, the rest truly depends on them and what they want their lives to be. We have no control over these choices they make. Absolutely none.
I am glad you are going to see a therapist. She/he can help give you the tools you need to live your life to the fullest, despite what is happening due to your sons choices.
It is and was a long haul for hubs and I. We all have to do what we need to do to get through the insidiousness of this.
Your life matters, your husband life matters. Your relationship matters.Time and unforeseen circumstance befall us all, and there is no "do over" in some instances.
After so many years of my life being turned inside out and upside down with the consequences of my two, I am so ready to completely detach, to keep working towards radical acceptance of this is what is and repel the chaos they choose. It is not that I don't love them, I am fed up. I am tired of their drama, and the consequences of their out of control cycling spilling over into my life.
I hope that your son will be ready to pivot. There is always hope. That is really and truly up to him.
The work cut out for us is to to deflect the stress and crazy of their lives and be able to live ours with peace. Anything less is unacceptable. Really and truly how dare they? How could anyone be so self centered to jeopardize their own lives and the blessing of good health and in the meantime lure anyone who cares for them into their web of denial, blame and excuses? Ugh.
If only we could cross our arms, wiggle our nose and blink our eyes to make it all go away. Click our heels three times and erase the first and every other encounter with drugs and stupidity our d cs fell upon. Sigh.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
You are taking on way too much responsibility for what you say or do in the equation of the outcome of his choices. Oh the guilt, what's said, not said done, not done, it is never ending. Walking on eggshells. I think that this is part of the illness of addiction that is passed over to us. We take on their consequences, more so than they do. It is hard not to do when caught up in the whirlwind of their lives, because we love them and want the best for them. We reap what they sow and everything that comes along with it. Carrying on with our own lives, stuffing the raw ugly reality down just to be able to function, but the truth is, it begins to consume us in one form or another.
But, we are separate people. We have our lives to live. We have raised our kids to our best ability, the rest truly depends on them and what they want their lives to be. We have no control over these choices they make. Absolutely none.
I am glad you are going to see a therapist. She/he can help give you the tools you need to live your life to the fullest, despite what is happening due to your sons choices.
It is and was a long haul for hubs and I. We all have to do what we need to do to get through the insidiousness of this.
Your life matters, your husband life matters. Your relationship matters.Time and unforeseen circumstance befall us all, and there is no "do over" in some instances.
After so many years of my life being turned inside out and upside down with the consequences of my two, I am so ready to completely detach, to keep working towards radical acceptance of this is what is and repel the chaos they choose. It is not that I don't love them, I am fed up. I am tired of their drama, and the consequences of their out of control cycling spilling over into my life.
I hope that your son will be ready to pivot. There is always hope. That is really and truly up to him.
The work cut out for us is to to deflect the stress and crazy of their lives and be able to live ours with peace. Anything less is unacceptable. Really and truly how dare they? How could anyone be so self centered to jeopardize their own lives and the blessing of good health and in the meantime lure anyone who cares for them into their web of denial, blame and excuses? Ugh.
If only we could cross our arms, wiggle our nose and blink our eyes to make it all go away. Click our heels three times and erase the first and every other encounter with drugs and stupidity our d cs fell upon. Sigh.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
I think honesty is something mutually beneficial for the both of you. Express your disappointment, but don't let it sound like he ruined Christmas. Relapse can be very beneficial, but only when we learn from it.
Non addicts tend to believe that an addict's relapse means they just didn't want it bad enough. And that is not the case, I assure you. Nobody randomly decides "I think I'll be physically and emotionally dependent on dangerous, expensive substances that will ruin every relationship I have, as well as many of my prospects. I will hurt the people I care the most about, and I will hate myself.". If it were as simple as just wanting it, there wouldn't be drug addicts in the world. If we were capable of controlling ourselves, we would do it. The longer we are active in our addiction, the less control we have over it, or ourselves. While it may seem so simple to just NOT use, we demonstrate that it isn't the case. We don't try to relapse. We relapse when we are put into situations we cannot handle sober. We subconsciously seek these situations out, which is a real
er. Recovery is about regaining control over ourselves, and our addiction. We do this by cutting out all the things in our lives that got us here in the first place. We usually miss some things the first few (or dozens in my case) times we try. It is unfortunate, disappointing, bewildering, but not necessarily negative. Each relapse shows at least one thing we didn't cut out before. As long as we can learn from the experience, we will be more successful in the long run. We can do our best to avoid these toxic situation that jeopardize our recovery, but there will be times when those situation arise completely out of our control. If we understand what went wrong, we will be better equipped for round 2. Has your son been displaying more humility, especially after this relapse? Humility is crucial if he is to truly learn from this relapse. It is an essential part of recovery.
