My son the addict

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lasteffort mom, Sep 29, 2017.

  1. lasteffort mom

    lasteffort mom New Member

    My now 34 year old son had an injury years ago and was put on opiate pain killers by a physician. He has never really been able to kick it although he has been to many clinics for opiate methadone addictions. He has a girlfriend with two daughters 10 and 11 years old and they have a 3 year old son together. Neither of them can keep a job or handle money at all. DSS stepped in last year and the kids were placed with me for a few months at which time I also had another grandchild living with me under DSS care as well. I have given support, money and help with the children which has caused a major strain between myself and my husband. Right now my son and his family are homeless staying at a campground cabin for a week, but they are out of money and can no longer pay for the cabin after this week. The girlfriend is trying to work, but my son can not be trusted to watch the children so I end up with them a lot which is really stressing us out. The girlfriend for some reason can not or will not go back home to her parents for help, they live in another state. I have considered contacting DSS again to get the children some stability, but I am not sure I can handle 3 children and work full time. I have called several agencies, but unless you have money no one wants to help... Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A suggestion: why not only take your own grandchild? If you like, call the other family to tell them about the two girls.

    These two may end up with more kids. It isnt fair for you to have to raise them if you feel you cant. What about foster care?

    Is DSS paying you kinship care payments to care for your other grandchild? They should and you would not have to pay them anything to get services. I used to be a foster parent.

    As for girlfriend's family, it may well be that they are done bailing her out. They may not know their grandchildren are in trouble though and may want to help them if they know. Cant hurt to reach out and ask. They may not have spoken to daughter for years. Addicts csn drive us to going no contact. It is self-preservation.

    Reconnect with your husband. Dont let your son come between you. Your husband will be there for you. Your son will not.

    At 34, your son is a man and you really should get help detaching from him...I dont blame your husbsnd for not wantig to give him money. He needs to either kick the drugs, find work, or rely on government services...welare, Medicaid, food cards, food pantries, etc. You are not an ATM. Have you a therapist? Have you ever gone to Al Anon?

    I wish you luck. Others should come along.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2017
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome to the site and I am so sorry you have been going through all of this.
    Is there not a child protective agency that would remove the children from homeless unemployed addicted parent. and put the children into foster care? I realize this is a heartbreaking decision however, you can't kill yourself trying to save someone else.
    I truly feel for your son and his girlfriend. While they are using they truly have not right to be caring for children. This is a terrible disease with so many complexities. It tears us all apart.
    Do you have supports for yourself, therapy, group meetings? Please be kind and good to yourself. We do all that we can do.
    I wisely learned on this site before starting with Naranon
    We didn't cause it
    We can't control it
    We can't cure it
    We can enable it which only hurts us and our addict.
    I am in the throes of the battle with my young son heading into our fourth year.
    We are at the point of no return. He either accepts long term rehab or he must carry on with his life elsewhere.
  4. lasteffort mom

    lasteffort mom New Member

    Thank you SomewhereOutThere... It really helps to be able to discuss with others who may be going thru similar situations. At least no more kids, she did have her tubes tied after my grandson was born.
  5. lasteffort mom

    lasteffort mom New Member

  6. lasteffort mom

    lasteffort mom New Member

    There is a child protective service, however we as well as friends have had bad experiences with them. The foster homes are not much better than where they are now. I have a co-worked that I talk to and it helps, but I am beginning to think I need more. Thank you Littleboylost
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are bad foster homes. I have heard it from foster kids. There are good ones too. Not making light of your fear. Your only other options are to leave them with addict, unsafe parents who are nearly homeless, or raise them yourself, which could destroy you and your marriage, which is not pretty. I would try hard to get the girls family to decide on what to do about the girls. What if they get hurt or need ER in your care? You cant legally sign for them because you are not related to them. Without legal guardianship, i dont think you can take your grandchildren to the doctor either.

    I would be worried that this could turn into a legal disaster for you. It is a risk to take in children who are not yours without guardianship. The mother, who does not sound stable, could sue you if her girls have an accident in your home.

    You have hard decisions to make. in my opinion you need therapy, like most of us.

    Good luck.
  8. Shelley

    Shelley Helicopter Mom in Recovery

    Unfortunately, and I say unfortunately with emphasis when kids are in the mix, you are placing a safety net allowing their behavior to continue because of your concern for those kids. Find an al anon group quickly. I can't tell you what I would do, I would be inclined to take in my grandkids myself. It is the most difficult situation, and you are going to need plenty of support to know what to do. I have given extra support to my own daughter and at times I get angry because I see issues with their parents being so self absorbed.

    All I can do is love my grandkids as a grandmother not a mother, I am learning to establish boundaries as to how much I babysit, not to feel guilty if I am too tired or busy, I am afterall much older than my daughter.