My worst nightmare has happened

[sad in the south]

Hi everyone, I have been silently following this forum for about 9 months. I have a son, 22, great guy, just got engaged to a great girl TODAY, bought a little starter home last November, has a great job, responsible. My daughter is 19 with ADD. Have had her in therapy 3 times. Started her on ADD medications when she was 16 but she stopped them after 2 months. She is very smart but emotionally immature, has always wanted to go to college since she was in elementary school, wanted to run a business or be a teacher. Very stubborn and strong willed. Started lying in middle school and now I know that most of her high school years were lies. She got caught having sex with a boy in the bathroom at school in 10th grade. I moved her to another high school. 11th grade was pretty good. 12th grade I THOUGHT was good, she was going to half a day at dual enrollment at a community college andthen rest of day at high school. Well, I found out in January, 2012 that she actually failed her first semester of dual college classes, pretended she was enrolled for the second semester but really wasn't and was also skipping alot of her high school classes and lost her driver license temprarily for truancy. High school never notified me when she was not in class so I didn't know until I got the letter from the DMV. Long long story short, she ended up taking online classes and graduated but barely. During this time, her boyfriend who is the dictionary definition of a loser was sent by his parents to live with family in New Jersey but he came back home aftr about 4 months and my daughter was secretly seeing him again. My ex husband knew and he thought I was aware of this but I did not know. I knew she spoke to him but that was it. I now know that she was skipping school to hang out with him but at the time she told me she was skipping schooll because she was suicidal and she was just randomly driving around every day thinking how to kill herself. Of course I freaked out and I got her into therapy again. I now know she lies constantly but I was a complete fool and believed her all these years. anyway, she suddenly moved out last June to her boyfriends after we had an argument. I have never even met this guys parents. Lord knows what she told them why she had to move out. Her dad and my son think the parents wanted her to move in to straighten out their son plus she had a nice car and a good job and was going to college so she was a "great catch". The boy friend nor the parents had a car, he did not have a driver license, a job or a high school diploma and his father is on disability and his mother part time. but this guy listened to my daughter and gave her attention and she craved that. Two days after she left, she got arrested for shop lifting. I found out because the store sent a letter to my house. She went to court by herself and wasn't even going to tell me. She is extremely independent. I have not had a good night sleep since she moved out. I found instagram pictures online of her and her boyfriend smoking pot and displaying their collection of bongs. This girl wouldn't even be around a smoker when she was growing up because of several family members dying of cancer. And she thought anyone doing drugs was an idiot. She is broke all the time, her cell is shut off more than it is turned on, she wrecked her car (which she bought herself by working part time since she was 16) and I found her another one which she immediately turned over to her boyfriend and his family. boyfriend has been arrested twice and just got arrested a third time in February for pot paraphernalia possession. He pled guilty and is on probation. My daughter has supposedly been going to community college this past year (I had a prepaid college plan for her) but I think she has dropped out or failed all or most of her classes. She won't tell me if she passed or not and I am too emotionally weak to look online. I am just emotionally exhausted. I am working a full time job and a part time job. Now, I got a text from her TODAY that she is FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT. Since my kids were in middle school I have talked to both of them over and over to not have sex until older and then not to have a child until they could afford to take care of it. I had paid for a doctor's appointment and about 7 months of birth control pills when she left last June and then she said she didn't want me to pay for them anymore when I asked when she wanted to meet me at planned parenthood to get more pills. She said she would pay for them herself. I told her to please make sure she did not get pregnant and I would pay for pills, dr visits, whatever no questions asked. I saw her on Mother's day and in hindsight she was probably 3 months then. She didn't say a word. I am just devastated. I know this is a very long message. I tried to condense alot and left ALOT out. At this point I am not positive even where she is living. I know they got kicked out of his parents house about a month and a half ago but I think they moved back there but she won't tell me or her dad where she is. She blames all her problems on the fact that her dad was not a great parent and didn't give her any attention and her step mother didn't like her. I understand these are issues for her but she keeps making herself the victim. I just don't know what to do now. I have been a single parent since my kids were 1 and 4 and I am tired. I rarely dated because I felt like I needed to spend my time being a mom and I know I was a good mom. My son is not perfect but he is truly a great guy and he tells me over and over that I am a great mom and he is fed up with his sister and wants me to just let her go but she is my child. I can't just turn my back on her. After I found out today via text that she was pregnant I told my daughter how angry I was and how irresponsible she is so now she isn't speaking to me because I am not happyabout this She did't ask for help but I know eventually this loser is going to leave her or kick her out and I will end up cleaning up her mess and taking care of the child I told her not to have. I am so exhausted. I can't raise another child. I have been struglling my entire life. I am 53.. I just want to take care of me finally that I have raised my kids. Now my daughter made the choice to have a child and I am afraid I will be the one who will end up taking care of it financially. I am not a bad person. People say I am a really good person. I know it sounds bad but I don't want to raise a grandchild. I need to finally take care of me. and my heart breaks that my daughter has messed up her future. She should be having fun and going to college instead of having a baby. Anyone been in this situation that can offer some hope or what I should do? I am working 2 jobs to pay off debt. I was hoping to quit the 2nd job by next January. I don't want to work 2 jobs to pay for my daughter's decision that I told her not to do. I know this sounds bad but I feel so angry. She says I am horrible because I am not happy that I am going to have a grand child. If my son was going to have a child I would be ok with that. he and his now fiance both have good jobs and can afford to take care of a child. I am so sorry for writing so much. I hope someone reads all this blather and can offer some advice. thank you!

 

[Bunny]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry she is putting you through this.

 

[DDD]

Welcome. Glad you found us but sorry you had to even look for our site. First and foremost MANY of us have walked in your shoes....and alot of us are still on that destructive path. As you know your post includes a variety of separate and painful issues and I'm going to offer my input in a list form.

1. You need to seek outside support for yourself. Yes, I know it is hard to reach out to a group (particularly if you live in a small community in the South!) but that is where you will find other "great Moms" who have been absorbed by the poor choices of their adult children. You took multiple opportunities to reassure us that you area a "good Mom" which means that she has undermined your image of yourself and the results of your decades of parenting. You must get to the point where Her actions are Hers and you accept that she is responsible for her choices.

2. If you take time to read old posts on this forum (including Substance Abuse and Parent Emeritus) you will discover that most of us raised bright and sometimes exceptional kids. Probably half of the gifted students dropped out of high school before graduation. Almost all of them began to hang out with losers who never had a chance for a great future in the first place...........and...........almost all of them became bong lovers.

3. Your daughter has chosen a path that causes you concern and pain. Honestly you are not alone as most of us have been there done that. The pregnancy is also beyond your control. NOW is the time for you to get support for yourself because I 100% know what life is like if you begin to "save" unexpected grandchildren. My grandson is 26 years old and almost all of his life he has lived with us. His little brother lived with us about eight years...with another two if you piece together times when we had him "come home" for stability. It is NOT as simple as "helping out with a newborn" when you have a dysfunctional adult. Once you open your heart and your home it is impossible to kick out a loved grandchild.

4. Have you ever read and thought about the Serenity Prayers meaning? (The prayer that is universally used by AA groups and not church related?) That prayer has saved my sanity. Or, at least I hope so. LOL.

5. One of the first steps that help with Detachment is analyzing how you are keeping track of her life. Are you using the computer? Old friends? Texts? Telephone calls? Relatives? Most of us began this awful journey by being determined to "know" what was happening with our loved difficult children. Almost all of us found we regained some peace in our lives when we no longer actively sought information.

You can have a future that is happy because you have earned it. You cannot change her course but you can change yours. Welcome again. Hugs DDD

 

[SuZir]

I have not been in your situation but I'm sure it is very difficult to detach. But that is something you will need to do both for your sake and also for your daughter. She has made some choices that will make her life more difficult and of course it is impossible to say, how she will continue to lead her life. But do remember, that for many little lost young women becoming a mom has been a turning point.

She has been capable to lot in past. Working and going school, saving up to her car, being independent, they are not small accomplishments. The baby may well be a thing that makes her motivated to turn her life around. It doesn't always happen, but what I have seen, quite often the girls, who were doing okay before they met a loser boyfriend,and started to get trouble after that, do turn their life around (and ditch a loser) after they have a baby. I do hope that would happen also to your daughter.

And even if it doesn't, you have every right to demand that you will only have a traditional grandmother's role in your grandchild's life. Because your daughter is already independent, it likely is what she wants too (wanting of course don't equal being able to make it true, but it is likely she will at least try.) But you have every reason and right to be frank of this with her. That while you would had hoped she would have waited longer before getting children, you of course want to be a granny and get to know your grandchild. And you are happy to buy the child few cute outfits and some other presents and when child is little older, you can babysit every now and then for few hours or have a child visit over night, when you have time. But that you are not financing their life, nor are you taking care of the baby all the time. She is capable young woman and you have a lot of faith for her managing it on her own.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I was exactly in your shoes over my daughters pregnancy!! I was so angry and so sure that I would get stuck raising it. I was resentful over things that have not happened, yet.
This baby could very well be what keeps her responsible. she had proven she can do these things.
My daughter is an addict and has never held a job. She is currently in jail and has been for 46 days now. Luckily, she will be entering a long term program that is going to give her all sorts of help. I am very hopeful for the future and my mind has completely changed about my grandson. I cannot wait to meet him!!!
Prayers for peace for you as you deal with your feelings...

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain.

The best advice I can give you is what I had to learn: We can not make choices or control the lives or fix our grown children. We don't help them when we enable their behavior either. We can detach with love and get on with our own lives and have good lives, even while our grown child/ren is not. You do not have to raise your grandchild to love the baby. There is help out there for your daughter, especially now that she is pregnant.

Gentle hugs!!!

 

[sad in the south]

I am very grateful for all of your responses. It is hard to put into words the comfort it gives me reading your responses and simply knowing I am not alone in this hell. Although this was my first post, I have taken alot of advise and wisdom in the past year from reading this forum and it honestly probably prevented me from doing stupid things as gut reactions or going insane with worry. So thank you. I feel less alone and less responsible for my daughter's bad choices and actions. I have been trying to practice detachment and am much better at it than a few months ago. I do admit I still search my daughter's friends facebook pages to see if she posts anything just to get a glimpse of what is going on in her life. I do also stop in at the store she works at about once a month becuase it is the only place I can see her and give her a hug. She always acts very happy to see me. and the sporadic times she calls or texts I get so happy. but because of a longstory involving my daughter wrecking her car in my neighborhood at Christmas and his mom and sister showing up (never met them until that moment) and apparently I disrespected the mom (she is columbian and doesn't speak English well so she didn't say anything. the sister did the talking) my daughter turned her back on me and took the mom's side (AFTER I bought her (AKA her boyfriend's family) a new car with insurance money of course). I also spent many hours last night searching for whatever assistance my daughter might qualify for and I also wasa going to go to good will todaay to look for maternity clothes for her. Now, remember I just found out yesterday morning that she was pregnant and here I am trying to fix her problems on my one day off I have had in weeks. I work full time as a paralegal and nights and weekends at Macys so I rarely get a day off. So I still have a long ways to go on practicing detachment. After reading your advice this morning, I realized what I was doing. Also, my son proposed to his girlfriend yesterday 2 hours after we found out about his sister. It should have been a day of happiness but I ended up stressing over her. My son does not deserve this. I need to celebrate his good news instead. So I am going to go to the beach, read a book, come home and then take my son and future daughter in law out to dinner to celebrate. So thank you all for your advice, guidance and just being there. I might still stop by Goodwill to look for maternity clothes though..... LOL! Hey, it takes time to master this detachment! I will wish myself and all of you peace and acceptance. And a good night's sleep.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hey...I dont know if any of my grandchildren were exactly planned for. Maybe my grandson was.

I found out we were going to have my oldest granddaughter when my youngest son was just a few months over 19. I was not happy. I knew there was no way that the mom and dad would ever stay together but my son was convinced he could follow in our footsteps and find a girl who already had a little boy and live happily ever after. When she turned up pregnant, he was over the moon happy. We werent because we knew the odds were not in their favor at all. Well we were right of course. Pretty much the only reason the mother stayed with my son the entire pregnancy was so he would sign the birth certificate. We have taken pretty much as much care of the child as anyone else. Basically until this year my son was on disability and the mother didnt work. The maternal grandmother and us supported the baby (now 7 year old). I wouldnt trade her for the world though. Not for a million, trillion dollars. She is my very reason for living and I would have never believed I would have felt that way 7 years ago. She just turned 7 three days ago. I love all my grandchildren but this one just has a special connection with me.

 

[sad in the south]

I have tried to respond twice and I did something wrong and lost both messages... hopefully this one sticks. I just want to thank all of you for your replies, advice and simply just being here. I can't find sufficient words to express how much comfort it gives me just to read that I am not alone in my hell. Since finding this forum last year, even though this is my first post, I have taken alot of your advice, cried reading alot of your stories, and I have been trying to practice detachment. This last straw with my daughter purposely getting pregnant after I did everything I could think of for this not to happen just has put me over the edge. It was a long sleepless night. I said some angry texts yesterday to my daughter which I shouldn't have said. I sent a message via facebook around 3 am last night which I have no way to know if she read it or if the boyfriend saw it first and deleted it but I told her I still loved her and I hope she was taking care of herself, not doing drugs, was seeing a doctor (she doesn't have insurance) and to apply for any assistance that she could because it was going to be very expensive and if I could help the baby to let me know. None of my family has ever been on public assistance but I don't see how she can support a baby sincce she can't even keep her cell phone on. Reading this forum, I know I have to stop trying to help her and I know it is not my responsibility to financially support her. I don't think it is the taxpayer's responsibility either to pay for her poor choices so I feel horrible. It was hard telling my mom that her 19 year old granddaughter was pregnant and it will be embarrassing to tell my co-workers at the law firm I work at that she is pregnant since they have known her since she was born and she was our fill in receptionist for several years but I will survive that too. I found myself researching online last night and this morning to find out where my daughter could get help and I was planning on going to goodwill today to try to find some maternity clothes but after reading your replies, I stopped and realized what I was doing. I was trying to fix my daughter who at this point won't even talk to me or tell me where she is living. So I am still struggling with detachment. I am going to continue coming to this forum for strength and reality checks and I want to try to pay it forward and help other people out there trying to cope. Thank you all again for just being here and easing the pain a bit. I wish all of you and myself peace and acceptance. And a good night's sleep.

 

[BusynMember]

Some advice: Don't ever give her money flat out. If you absolutely can not resist getting something for her OR the baby, then you pay the doctor yourself or buy the item and tear off the return tags. If you buy her anything, make sure your money goes where you want it to go. Many of our kids take the money we give for various purposes and just blow it on drugs or booze or things they don't need. In the end, many of us end up not giving any money at all.

There is nothing to be ashamed of being on public assistance. MANY of us are on social programs because times are tough and there is no other choice. Many of us are are on Medicaid, some on Section 8, some on food stamps, etc...it is not an insult to us. Your daughter should take what is offered her. It is not up to you to take care of her problems. As for feeling embarassed, I have no idea where you live, but having a pregnant kid out here in the middle of Wisconsin is no longer a reason for others to wag their tongues in horror. It is far more accepted than it used to be. Don't worry about others; please, please just take care of yourself. It is none of anyone else's business...it is your daughter's alone. It may upset some members of your family, but they don't need to be upset either...they need to realize they didn't cause it or have anything to do with it. It happens sometimes; even really nice kids get pregnant sometimes.

 

[witzend]

I'm sorry. I wish I could say something to make it better.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Welcome to the board. Glad that you are finding comfort and good advice here already.

I am so sorry that your daughter has made some very poor choices for herself. I think this about my son too. But they are her choices to make and that doesn't make you responsible when she makes the wrong choice or a choice that is going to make her life more difficult. You can be there to offer motherly advice, babysit sometimes, spoil the baby on its birthday and holidays - you don't have to take on the mothering duties of this new life.

I'm also sorry that your daughter has you questioning your parenting skills. The only reason I say this is because you reiterate often that you were a good mother and you are a good person. I'm not sure if you are reassuring us or yourself. You won't get any bashing here though - we've all made mistakes but we've also all been the best parents we can be from the day our children took their first breath and even before that.

It is time to take care of you. Be good to yourself, you've been through a difficult life and have experienced so much heartbreak with your child. You deserve to be happy and to be kind to yourself and to have some rest and peace as well.

Hugs to you. I hope you hear from your daughter soon and that you do as Suzir suggested and tell her that this isn't the choice you hoped she'd make but that you understand she is happy and expecting a child and you want to be there to love this child like the wonderful grandmother you will be (in a grandmother role not a parental role). Judging by her independent attitude I think she'll do everything possible to make this work without your help.

 

[Nomad]

Hello and welcome. Apologies...because I read your post quickly...but sadly I have seen much of this type of thing before.
I am so sorry that you are emotionally exhausted. Most of us have experienced this. It is not a good state to be in. Bad for your emotional and physical well being. And at 53, working two jobs....you KNOW you deserve a better life than this!
I would somewhat limit your involvement with your daughter at this time. Consider helping now and again with crucial things like medical care, food and necessary baby items as appropriate.
Take care of yourself! Seek counseling (for yourself) if you aren't already. If you can afford counseling...go for it! Nothing to be ashamed of. This is way too much for anyone!
It is hard as heck, but try to shake your emotions out of this. It is up to your daughter to figure out if she wants to live like this.
Now, she might have another diagnosis other than ADD. MIGHT. If she is open to it, I would also consider paying for her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Find numbers for her like those that would lead her to food stamps....if she does not have money for food and might qualify.
But, as much as possible, reduce YOUR involvement and make her do her own legwork.
Greatly limit your emotional involvement.
What a blessing to have a good son. What a blessing to have two jobs in today's economy. BUT, you should be saving and getting out of debt and looking forward to stopping your second job SOOON! Don't let your daughter's poor behavior ruin your dreams.
PS There is a book called Boundaries by doctors Townsend and Cloud that might be good for you. If I recall correctly, it has some slight religious overtones, so it might not be for you. But, generally it is a good book that helps people understand boundaries and detachment. Wishing you well.

 

[witzend]

I thought a little more on this. When I joined the CD group, I was still posting in "General". There wasn't a PE or Watercooler then. My children were grown and near grown. Honest to goodness, I haven't been to the General section in years, because it's just too difficult. But back in the day, if you were going to post and it wasn't about IEPs or drugs, that was it. My son was putting us through Hades, and the stories I saw from other parents were similar. There were times when I put them all together with each other it made me cringe.

I remember one of the old timer's writing a post that was entitled exactly what your post is entitled. "My worst nightmare has happened". Of course, I jumped to my own worst nightmares that were really bad, because we both had sons. I thought "murder". "Mass murder". "Arson". And then I read it, and she was going to be a grandma. Now, I won't lie to you. Her son was WAY out of control. And it was a long row for both of them to hoe. But she now has a loving relationship with both her son and her grandson.

Don't let your fear get ahead of your reality. This isn't all going to happen in a day, and what happens isn't preordained. My opinion is that your daughter will do better if she is allowed to come to you for advice and help than if you go to her with it. Trust me, she's going to be scared and lonely, and probably in some trouble, too. Let her come to you, and then you can work it out together.

 

[dashcat]

Sad,
You do not have to raise your grandchild. You can, and should, set limits on how much help you will offer and what you will expect her to handle on her own.

But you don't have to decide that right now. For now, just try getting through each day -one day at a time - and be sure that you are taking steps to keep yourself well. Go to counseling, join a 12 step group (FA has worked very well for me), eat well, and work on loving detachment from your daughter's choices.

You cannot do anything about her choices. In the end, you must do what you feel is right for yourself and for your grandchild.

Now, two more tiny bits of advice: Go to the settings tab at the top of the page, then click on "edit profile". Add your profile information (see others for what that means). This helps us to remember your situation when you post in the future.

Also, when you post, try and break it up into paragraphs. ALL of us here have posted (and many - myself included - still do!) post long, detailed stories and rants when we need to. If they are broken up into paragraphs, they're easier to read (and you'll probably get more readers and responses).

Take care,
Dash

 

[sad in the south]

You guys are awesome! I am taking advice from each of your replys. I went to a therapist on Thursday and will continue until I am seeing a bit of light at the end of this dark tunnel. It is funny though.. the therapist is basically telling me what everyone on this forum is also advising.... for free! LOL! I am also looking into groups that several of you have suggested. There are no FA meetings in my area (west coast of Florida) unfortunately. I will ask my therapist about any other groups she can suggest.

Trying my hardest to detach. I am going to let my difficult child contact me if she need me. Soooo hard to do. I am so worried about her health and financial situation.

Didn't mean to be over dramatic with my worst nightmare title. In the real world 19 year old daughters who get pregnant on purpose happens but it has been a very looooooong road with my difficult child especially the last 3 years which have been one surprise crisis after another. Her life right now is not even remotely close to what I had hoped and worked so hard for it to be. I know everyone on this forum can relate to that.

I had pleaded with her over and over to not get pregnant, I would and did pay for dr appts, birth control pills, etc. and it was simply the last straw that I know without a doubt that she got pregnant on purpose and now she is making me feel guilty and accusing me of throwing away my daughter because she is not perfect and this is my GRANDCHILD (her capitals).

Everytime I had to deal with another of her crisises that she hid from me (lied) until it was out of control, I always made it thru by telling myself to deal with it and this too shall passs and she still could overcome (fill in the blank) and recover and still have a good life. But I felt that if she had a child, then that "mistake" doesn't go away. And I knew I just would not have the strength to stand by and not help my daughter or grandchild if they were suffering or needed help and I would end up putting myself second and taking care of her child. And here I am..... So yes, she didn't kill herself or someone else, she isn't a vegetable in a coma, and I am grateful for that. But I have been taking care of other people and putting myself second (gladly for my kids, I don't regret that at all) but I was really looking forward to taking some things off my plate once my kids were adults. I dont even want the responsibility of a dog or cat!


the quote, If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, is my mantra. Gotta get a pillow with that stitched on it. Anywaay, gotta get ready to go to my second job at Macys... big sale today, ladies!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sad in the south, I just wanted to say a welcome to you.........I am away and not checking in as often however, I wanted to tell you what a good job you're doing, getting into therapy, checking on groups, that is the key I believe, to focus on yourself, put your energy and care back to YOU, you have been responsible for everyone for a long time, it's time to start to let go of those reigns NOW and learn the tools to detach so you can go on with your own life as your daughter continues to make poor choices. It is difficult with a grandchild. I know that from experience. I have a 40 year old difficult child and I am raising her 17 year old daughter. I too have been that responsible worrier all my life, making sure everyone's needs are met. I have a piece of advice for you from my own experience as a mother who has had to learn hard lessons about putting myself first..............you are the ONLY one who can change this situation for yourself, do whatever you need to do to shift this pattern around to make sure you are in the drivers seat taking care of you. It's a process to make that change, but it is not only possible, it is necessary for you and for your daughter too. It's an important detachment for you so that she can learn to be responsible for her own choices, bad as they may be. And, she may not learn too, which is why detachment is so important. Your life can't fly up and down and sideways because of her choices, don't allow that. You are powerless to change her choices. And, you needn't and shouldn't pay the price for them either.

It's very good that you have begun the process of detaching. I have not read all the other responses .........but I imagine you've received wonderful advice and support from our army of wise warrior parents..........You may want to check out the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You've been at this care-giving/mothering thing alone for a long time, after awhile we forget how to take care of ourselves given the remarkable drama of our kids choices.............stay on your new track, take care of you, nurture yourself, love yourself, accept yourself and make sure your needs are met first, not last. I send you a warm welcome, caring hugs and always, wishes for peace.............

 

[OnBehalfOfGFGs]

Sometimes having a child is a blessing in disguise. My sister had a child at 21 and turned her whole life around. You should know that yourself being a parent that when you have a child, your child becomes your motivation to do better in life. When she sees the love she has for her own child she wont need love from a boy or you or her father. When she does have her child be there for her. Quit your second job as planned. What would you do if you honestly didnt have the money? Do that. Help her find government assistance. A job, a place to live. As for you, I know you cant help how much you care about her. But you need to make sure that you are caring about you too.

You can take a horse to water but you cant make him drink....

 

[Echolette]

Sometimes having a child is a blessing in disguise. My sister had a child at 21 and turned her whole life around. You should know that yourself being a parent that when you have a child, your child becomes your motivation to do better in life. When she sees the love she has for her own child she wont need love from a boy or you or her father. When she does have her child be there for her. Quit your second job as planned. What would you do if you honestly didnt have the money? Do that. Help her find government assistance. A job, a place to live. As for you, I know you cant help how much you care about her. But you need to make sure that you are caring about you too.

You can take a horse to water but you cant make him drink....

OnBehal,
You said on your own post that your parents only have two kids, you and your brother. Now you have a sister? which is it?

 

[tryagain]

Hey- I am so glad that you found this forum. It has been such a wonderful help for me. Although our problems are different, we all have one thing in common -we are trying to find some stability for ourselves in the face of problems with our children.

I know your daughter is probably not going to listen to you right now about much of anything, but if there is a pregnancy help center where she lives, they will provide not only material things to help her such as clothing etc. but also counseling about choices facing her, and one of those very positive choices is adoption. I have done volunteer work for our local pregnancy help center, and adoption can be the greatest blessing for a child if the birthmother is unable to take care of the baby. Many people say that having a child can turn a person around, and I do not doubt this. But I have also witnessed really bad situations for children who are being raised by someone with zero parenting skills and zero resources. But whatever a young woman chooses, she will find great support at a pregnancy help center.

There is lots of excellent advice on this forum and I want you to know you're not alone -that we all are dealing with nightmarish scenarios with our kids. Stay strong!