need advice..Please

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by luciddreaming, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    I need advice on how to talk with my fiance about her 26 year old son, he started living with us a year ago because the place where he was staying was just sick of his stuff,(fiance's sisters house for 10 years) he was not working and was on SS they tell me he was diagnose with bipolar, ok with that said I will tell you my perception.
    when his mother and I where dating, on Fridays (paydays) she would get her check and pick him up and take him food shopping and etc... at this time he was 22-23 and would just sit there all day in his room and play games, smoke weed, and really do nothing else... Now when we met I found him a little rude, IE-- we would talk about games (we did not play the same type of games) so he was kind of rude a little about that, talk about music he claimed he only listen to one band and everything else sucked. we would talk about tattoos--again point blank he said mine sucked.. so ruff start really.
    also I want to mention he had lots of cats and his room was awful, it smelled terrible and was just a mess x100 and what bothered me was he was ok with this and his mom went over there every tuesday and cleaned it up...that killed me---Why cant he? his mom did the Just Dont thing..and she told me one day that she was actually bothered that her son lives this way...
    ok, he did not have a phone so he borrowed his aunts phone or nephews phone and would call all hours of the night, with in my opinion-- stupid stuff. would call his mom daily with--bring me fast food, buy me this game, or bring me this or that. she would. now there was a lot of things are real bad over there stuff but one day he got real drunk and they knew me and his mom just got a two bedroom apt, so they told his mom he cant live there anymore.
    I was a little unhappy about this because I think they used our situation against us, and also did not really like a unemployed 25 year old just sitting here all day.
    so with this in mind we moved him in set everything up, after the first week I noticed that he drank a 12 pack of reg coke everyday.... which I tried to suggest something and I was being hateful....sooo ok. and one time he complained that his aunt yelled and him for coming out of the room and kicking a box by mistake....well... I know what she was talking about because he would do things really fast and actually I kept telling him so slow down and he would slam things and do things like a gorilla.
    so here where the things begin so to speak, he would just walk right in our room without knocking to the point where I had to lock the door so he would knock,(fyi---mom would always say I'm picking on him) on her days off he would just walk right in and start asking for thing or talking with mom, (we were still in bed) so I finally would get up early and just go out in the living room because I was sick of him just coming in while we were still in bed.
    he is very messy and does not clean up after himself...its bad...I wont go in the 2nd bathroom its a hoard mess and he just wont pick up after himself.
    he got a cell phone and would just sit there all day, do nothing...
    finally he found a dating app and meant a girl, and also his mom signed him up for temp agency for work- after a few jobs he finally found a full time job, and with dating went through 4-8 girls, he constantly since the day he has lived here ask's all the time "mom, want are you making for dinner" its insane even at 10am her day off he starts asking this, will not follow simple rules--IE take out trash, empty dishwasher, pick up after yourself.
    his room smells like ass and I hate it when he leaves his room door open, I have completely stopped doing those things so she can see her son just cant follow rules.
    Now, here is where this is now, he is constantly asking mom for a ride, he only has one friend and the little whores he brings over for one nighters, I ask that he not come out in his underwear and he just cant follow that, and he is loud but then asks us to turn down our tv when he wants to sleep... his grooming habits are just awful, and yes from mom I get these:
    • Repeatedly bailing them out - financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
    • Giving them "one more chance" - then another...and another...
    • Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
    • Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, smoking, etc.,
    • Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
      • Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself because I'm whatever".
      • Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
      • Doing things for them that they should be able to do for themselves
      • Softening or removing natural consequences of their problem behavior
      • Trying to "fix" them or their problem
      • Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
      • Trying to control them or their problem
      I have asked him if he would make dinners and he laughs and says "hell NO"
    now dont get me wrong I love my girlfriend to death, she is great, she is very supportive of me and between us she is perfect.
    I know its easy to just leave but now my question since I think her son is a sociopath, how do I speak to her about this, she is very defensive of him, and will just say, I hate him, or she will start talking about other things, at this point I have headaches, stomach problems, stress over her son's manipulative behaviors and yesterday there was problems and they both were fighting things I noticed during this, she knows what he does, he does not take responsibility for his actions and claims he does nothing wrong. when now what really kills me is after things are calming down her son made himself dinner, did not ask his mom if she was hungry or anything and he left a mess..... his mom went out there hours later and cleaned it up..OMG...
    so my main question is how can I talk with her about this, truth I don't want him living with us, he is a terrible house mate, and even this morning before she drove him to work, he comes charging in to ask if she is ready....they thought i was alseep..but he is very rude with no boderies ---also when he wakes up for work he is consistently barking "MOM,MOM" like for a towel or whatever.

    thanks and be nice.. FYI I'm old school so I can by nature be blunt, I have read somewhere not to tell the mom things like "your son is a sociopath, and etc... so any advice?
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  2. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    I feel I should also add, I was recently laid off, and with that mentioned above things also became very tight.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My advice?

    This horrid son and her enabling way of letting him do anything he wants are a package deal. It doesn't seem like she asked your opinion about moving him in Her big Ole baby screw up son is first in her life Unless you can get her into counseling, in which she sees that this is bad for her and her son, do you want this to be your life? Because it will be if she still drives this man around and buys him food and let's him stink up her house.

    It's your choice. Consider leaving and being alone for a bit then finding somebody who understands that a 26 year old man lives on his own and pays his own bills. This does not apear to be fixable zi assume you already brought this to her attention with no results.

    As the movie said,"Run, Forest, run."

    Or welcome him as your constantly around new son. Women normally do not pick men over kids, even a spoiled brat like him.

    Good luck.
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Adding it is SO inappropriate that he is allowed to invade your bedroom. He's not eight years old with a bad dream. Its....kinky to me.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Now that you are laid doesn't seem, like you have many options here. I don't know if you are both on the lease, or is it just in one of your names. If it is in both your names, then I guess you might need to stay til the lease ends. Other wise, give notice and move. Things aren't going to least not easily or pain free or quickly.

    If he gets SS for a disability, how is he able to work full time? Why was he living with a relative at 16? Is he eligible for services? And if he is, would he be willing to get help? Is he on medications for bipolar?

    I see a lot of resentment...and I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to live like that either. But if you want things to be different, things have to change. But you can't make them change. You can only change you and what you will allow.

  6. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    its the thing now that we both agree to get him "launched" so to speak, and bringing things to attention just does not go well, first I will admit it usually has upset me quite a bit before its brought up, she does not think I'm supportive with getting him launched.
  7. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    now that he is working he does not get SS, our lease is month to month, he was living with relatives because well, the story I heard from my girlfriend is he became very disrespectful of her and she wanted to be away from living with him, he moved in because there is no one else.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Can mom and son see a professional, get a plan in place for getting him on his own, then let the mom and him work the plan, and you just try to be supportive?

    The more you are involved, the worse it will be...

    For him and for her... And also for you...
  9. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    he is not on medications, I think its just sociopath behavior to be honest, and she has a sore spot for counseling.
  10. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

  11. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    I also want to mention, I have worked with the disabled for 17 years, so I have patience...or at least I think so...second my mom is a raging narcissists. so at 50 being laid off and dealing with this just kills me...but I dont want to throw her away....I love her a lot and she is a good person. just an FYI
  12. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    I reread your post and just have to say....I agree x1000 and thank you
  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    He doesn't sound like a sociopath...he sounds very immature. If he has untreated bipolar he needs help, but so hard to force on someone...

    Does he have any legal issues? Has there been violence against others?

    Good luck.

  14. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    no legal issues. and no violence against others, so I'm I wrong about sociopath? you mean its just entitled and immature? hmmm... ok.. he just fits that I thought..but ok.
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2016
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Does he do drugs also?

    I agree that I would get out of that situation as soon as you can. You can still date her but for the sake of your relationship I'd not live there. You're always going to be the bad guy.

    I agree. He is just immature and his mother has enabled him and she doesn't seem to want to change. The son certainly isn't going to change. He's got it made!

    I would not live like that if it were me.
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  16. luciddreaming

    luciddreaming New Member

    he smokes pot.
    she has told me many times this: I believe he is like a 16 year old in maturity- I'm trying to get him launched, its hard work-
    and when I mention enabling ooooooo....yeah....
    you know I dont have a lot of options---got laid off, broke, and
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My daughter (adopted granddaughter) therapist told her that many people who starts using drugs and alcohol as a teen stop their emotional maturing. My DDs biomom acts and thinks like a 15YO. She is 48. Now is jail on $250,000 bond for being part of an armed robbery. It is like their brain gets sidelined and they are adult body, and immature brain. KSM
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  18. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Lovely...praying my kid goes past a 15 yr old mentality.

    The mom here has not helped him grow either...part 14, should do everything they are capable of. She has helped stunt him...he's has no reason to please tell me he's paying for food and rent.....

    If he can buy pot...He can get his own damn food...
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  19. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    This would be my partner writing this if I hadn't learnt detachment. Our children will not learn the consequences of their choices if we continuously buffer them from them. This is not a healthy way for anyone to live and I think that by tolerating it you are also playing a part. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I really don't mean it to. This adult is dictating the rules in YOUR home. And I'm sorry to say that with the weed and your fiancée enabling the situation, it is not going to get better anytime soon.
    I echo the post above...
    Run Forest, run.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can't help him launch. He has to do it.

    I suspect lots of woe if you stick around. This man is part of the deal and his mom let's him get away with murder. Good luck.

    I'd date her but live elsewhere too. The child will come first. Always. This can get old.