Need I being overly cautious?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gingersgrl, Sep 25, 2014.

  1. gingersgrl

    gingersgrl New Member

    I haven't posted in a long time but things have been good. My granddaughter who's been with me since 2 1/2, now 14 has still got some issues but the biggest problem....her hurting my animals (she broke one dogs leg and hurt many others) finally stopped last fall. She still lies and sneaks but not out of control like she used to. Overall things have improved dramatically. She's back in school after being homeschooled, does her homework and chores and is trying. Because of all this we've had a much improved relationship. Little fighting, lots of I love you's and respect and it's been since last fall so it's not been just a lull in the trouble. More like a real change. Before I pulled her out of school last year she was missing a lot because of the issues at home. This year she's only missed one day and they went back 8/13.

    Now the problem. She's met a girl at school and they've become fast friends. This girl misses a lot of school like M used to. Her father coaches girls softball and she really wanted M to join. It was $60 to join and then about $100 in equip. and clothing. I said we just don't have it. Financially we're not doing well and she's very aware of this. I said if I made a sale I would let her though because I want her to have as normal a life as she can. She missed so much because of behavior. She came home and said they said they would waive all fee's and lend her the equip. I thought it was school sanctioned but it's not. She said the dad was willing to meet her and take her with his daughter to a park and teach her. I said I wasn't comfortable with that. I don't know them. I did let her join and I took her to first practice last Thurs although they keeps saying they will take her. It was suppose to be 6 - 8 Thurs. and then Sun. 1-3. The field didn't have lighting so they quit at 7:30 and said they would just double up on Sun. and not do Thurs. Sunday I did let them drive her. We're in the country so it's a 45 min. ride to the field. They were gone from 1pm to 7pm. Then they said they were still doing Thurs. and that they were going to pick her up at school along with her friend today and go back to their house before practice. When I met the mother at the field she said she never lets her daughter ride the bus to and from school. Then M tells me her friend was out of school Mon. and Tues. I asked why she misses so much school and M tells she asked and she was told if you knew my family you would understand. So she was back in school yesterday and I asked if she asked why she was out and she said she had chicken pox. I said that can't be true. She was fine on Sun and Wed. she wasn't chicken pox.

    All I can see in all this is people that never met M. before who appear not to have much money either willing to waive all fee's, lend her or get her everything she needs, wanting to drive her to and from, now wanting to pick her up for practice and take her to their house, offering to spend another evening on top of those 2 times individually coaching her, being gone for 6 hours Sun. and reinstating the practice tonight, their own kid can't get to school, has to be driven and picked when she goes and the kid is lying about why she's missing so much school. Something feels wrong here.

    I am getting very uncomfortable with all this. It feels like its too much too soon and something isn't right here and I don't know what but all this softball time when you can't get your kid too school even seems off. And usually the parents around here that drive their kids everyday are also the parents that won't let their kids miss school. These folks may be wonderful people but if feels like somethings wrong here. I told M I didn't want her going to their house just yet before she came home and said they planned to pick her up Thurs. If we keep doing this I plan on driving her but right now I feel like I want to say lets try next year and forget the whole thing. Am I just being paranoid? I know I may be so I'm asking for impartial opinions. I a Sorry this was so long.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ok, ginger, welcome to our nightmare...hehe. J/K. Actually, we come here because ofour difficult children but we try to be caring and kind and we do understand.

    First off, I hope you do not have any animals anymore. I love animals and as an animal advocate I don't think they should be put at risk. You don't know what your granddaughter does when you don't see. We adopted a child who killed two of our animals and, as God is my witness, he acted so loving toward them when we were around, we did not even suspect him the first time around. The second time we knew it had to be him because only me and him were home and it wasn't me. Broke our hearts and was just the beginning of unraveling EVERYTHING he had been doing. If granddaughter also likes fire/plays with fire and wets her bed or poops in inappropriate places, you have a possibly reactive attachment disordered kid on your hands and they can be dangerous. This happens when kids live in terrible chaos in their early years...they learn not to trust anyone and to not want to be loved. Actually, it is the same as Conduct Disorder. They have no consciences. I do not know if this is your situation. Just throwing it out there. The child we adopted ended up with a diagnosis. of "Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder." Since he was sexually inappropriate with my two younger kids, we asked CPS to take him and they did.

    Back to the family.

    It could be that your granddaughter lied about you and made them feel so sorry for her that they are trying to fix her, which they can't do. They may really pity her. I don't know if your granddaughter lies a lot, but many of our CD/attachment disordered kids lie a lot. That could be one reason. They could be very good people who feel they can help her.

    You may want to interact with them yourself if you are worried. You can even try asking your granddaughter in an offhanded way why she thinks they are being so nice to her. You an say, "They are awfully nice, aren't they?? I do think it's odd that they allow her to miss school though. That's a huge red flag. And bad people often put on very good acts for others. If you are uncomfortable, put your foot down and don't allow it or drive her yourself.
  3. gingersgrl

    gingersgrl New Member

    I have brought up to each of her mental health people about the attachment issue and they agree it plays a factor but still say her diagnosis really is conduct disorder.

    I too have thought she may be being pitied and they want to "rescue" her and help but J, her friend, missing school so much and then the lying about why feels like a big red flag.

    In our school district 10 days absent in a semester is an automatic f for each subject missed.
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    For the record, I don't think you're being overly cautious at all! There's all kinds of "red flags" here and the whole thing sounds very suspicious.
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    From what I am getting this softball team seems to be run by an organization not a school. Schools generally wont allow Sunday practices. Having said that I doubt there is much background checking done on coaches. I think my first step would be to talk to the organization. Tell them you don't know these people and want to make sure it is a safe environment for your child. There is nothing wrong with that.

    I also might see if I could meet some of the other parents and ask them if they have had any issues? If it is a chuch league I would talk to the minister, priest, preacher,......
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    welcome back.
    It does sound like your difficult child has improved by leaps and bounds.
    However, she's probably still lying, and now, she's found a friend who lies, too. Oh, what fun!
    I would absolutely talk to her counselor at school and mention the relationship, and the other girl by name, so that the counselor and teachers keep an eye out for both girls in regard to attendance.
    I would also do my own driving, even if it's an inconvenience. I would want to know what's going on. Plus, you may even have fun at a game.
    Talk to the parents and try to get to know them.
    And the other parents whose kids are on the team.
    Sniff around. You need more info.
    You've been through too much and come too far to let things get out of control.
  7. gingersgrl

    gingersgrl New Member

    Thanks for all the replies. I guess I haven't even known what questions to ask who. I don't think there is an organization involved. There may be but I'm not knowledgeable enough to what should be and isn't like organizations. It seems from what M told me it's just this guy and his wife trying to get a team together and only have 8 girls so far. I intend to go and told M this morning I am driving her from now on or she doesn't go. I'm concerned because we don't know them and I'm just trying to do the right thing and allow her friend time too.

    I just get the looks when I say I'm driving her and I don't want to go backwards. We have been through a time the 2 of us. I've been like a single parent to a kid that needed a full time parent. I blew through all my retirement money, had rentals I had to sell for money to live on and am struggling now but I was for all intents and purposes unemployed to be her full time mother for the past 5 yrs. Now she's doing better, I'm grateful but know from my own childhood and having an inattentive parent letting your kids go off with other adults you don't know can have devastating results that last well into adulthood. I wish my own mother had asked questions protected me. I'm trying to do for her what wasn't done for me. I see a lot of red flags here and since I thought it's just this guy and his wife it seemed prudent to be cautious. At least now knowing an organization should be involved I can off handedly ask about it tonight. I did ask M where the other girls are from and how they found out about it and was told the guy and his wife have it on facebook. All those girls are from another county and don't know these guys either.
  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    This just sounds stranger and stranger! For one thing, NOBODY is going around organizing softball or baseball teams in late September! They do that in the spring. And there has to be some kind of an organization behind it ... otherwise who would they play? My daughter played softball and my son played Dixie Youth League baseball for many years. There is a league, and kids who want to play have to register with the league. The league divides the kids in to teams, appoints coaches, and makes out the schedule. I have never heard of a self-appointed coach going around trying to recruit kids to play on a team. Nothing you have described here sounds right!

    Something else that sounds very strange is having kids from different counties or geographic locations playing on the same team. These teams practice a lot, all the time (in the spring!). When my son played, four and sometimes five days a week were tied up with his games and practices. If those kids came from all different areas, the amount of driving for the parents would be mind-boggling. I would be doing some serious investigating before I'd let my kid get too chummy with these folks! It just doesn't sound right at all.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, picking up kids from far away is a huge inconvenience for those parents as well, so what are they getting out of it? Hmm.
    And you don't have to be subtle. Be direct but courteous. "Thank you so much for including difficult child in your plans and driving her. Is this your first team organizing effort? Where do you get your equipment? What else do you do?"
    The flip side is that if they are totally gaga for softball, you could find yourself as a committee member, doing the email news and washing all the uniforms! lol!
  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Still ... NOBODY would be organizing a softball team in late September! Make sure you ask them about the league they will be playing in? Who sponsors the team? Who pays for the equipment and uniforms? Where will they practice and where will they play their games? How much travel is involved? And why are they trying to put together a team six whole months before ball season even starts? Unless you get some good, solid, logical answers to these questions, I would assume that these people are up to something.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Definite red flags. So glad to hear all of the improvements but still good to be cautious!
  12. gingersgrl

    gingersgrl New Member

    I am so grateful to all of you for helping me to know what to ask etc. The practice had been cancelled because it rained yesterday. No one called us so it was a good thing I called them or it would have been 1 1/2 hours travel for nothing. I had realized after my last post that no forms were ever filled out like medical waivers etc. so what the heck would happen if she was hurt especially if I wasn't there. So I called and said they need to explain it all to me. I've never had a kid in sports but camps and anywhere you leave kids they always have waivers and consents for treatment in case of accidents when your not there.

    What they told me is it isn't affiliated with any organization really. It is a travel team which I googled when I got off the phone. It means it is just him and his wife getting a team together. When they do they have guidelines to adhere to in order to be able to play other travel teams. I asked about medical waivers and that kind of thing and they said they will have forms but they haven't done it yet....what if she got hurt before then? Anyway, it seems travel teams are hard core and all about serious ball and what kids who want more than just school teams do to be immersed in it. Yet their child missed school again today - 1 day in school out of the past 4. And M. let it slip that while she was home on Mon and Tues. with her 2 day case of chicken pox she had to practice pitching with her father in order to work out her arm from pitching on Sun.

    I feel like an idiot for not asking these things before but I had no idea I needed to. I just seemed M. joining a softball team would be a healthy positive thing. I had asked if she was also friends with another of M. friends that is really a great kid and she said she was so I felt that was positive and I went the first night but this just got crazier and crazier everyday it seems.
  13. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I do not feel that you are being paranoid at all. All the red flags that raised up for you, raised up for me as well. Very weird that a softball coach would let his daughter miss so much school and also weird for the mother to drive her to school, but yet daughter still misses school. Something is definitely wrong here. How about you talk to the parents and say "Listen, I am not trying to pry into your business, that is the LAST thing that I want to do, believe me. However, I need to know more about you all and your daughter." and then ask why she misses so much school as well.
  14. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Also, a forty five minute drive each way is an automatic no. I refuse to drive that long anywhere.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I am with Donna here. Something is definitely wrong. Even the travel teams are associated with some league. Its just that the travel teams are the best of the best players from those leagues however they still wouldnt be playing out of season.

    My boys played 3 sports a year - baseball, football and basketball - and they played for the local recreational dept not the local school system. Tony and I even coached one year. All players have to come from one county. Sometime's it city or county depending on where you live. I had the option of playing for the city rec or the county rec and I chose city because they had more going on back then.

    We had to sign up at the rec center, all equipment and uniforms came from the rec center and most of the time we played at different rec center ball fields. And no, we never had a Sunday game or practice but every other day was packed full.
  16. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Janet is right. If your daughter is a beginner at playing softball, there is no way she would be recruited to play on a legitimate high level traveling team. These are made up of very good, experienced players, not beginners. And they HAVE to be affiliated with some kind of organization - a school, city, county, or church league, not independent. And they HAVE to have a home field to play on. My son played Dixie Youth League baseball for years - like Little League. They weren't affiliated with the county schools but played on their fields. And when they say "traveling", they mean it! It was very difficult when I was still working. There were many times I had to leave work early so I could go home to get him, then drive to a town 60 or 70 miles away so he could be there on time for his game. Believe me, I was doing the happy dance when he finally decided that he didn't want to play any more!
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2014
  17. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    What I am trying to say in all of this is that this doesn't sound legitimate at all! Something is VERY wrong here. Way too many flags and you really don't know these people at all! I hate to say this but it sounds like they are much more interested in spending time with your daughter than they are in playing softball. I would be extremely suspicious of these folks and not have anything to do with them!
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, any news?
  19. Katherine61

    Katherine61 Running on empty

    Hi Donna,
    You have the same situation as I do with my 15 year old son. The only difference is he's Passive Aggressive, Anti-Social, and Conduct Disorder. Getting help for our children who have CD is one of the hardest things I have found yet to do. Pay attention to all RED FLAGS! Question everything. Over the past 5 years I have developed a sixth sense about my son. I know when he has done something wrong. I have began journal; this helps his therapist and psychiatrist. The hardest thing for me is in the area we are in there is no support groups, (That's why I here, lol) no treatment centers that deal with CD.
    I agree with everyone else, there is foul play going on.
    Keep your head up and hang in there.
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Katherine, I agree. This board is a lifesaver! I have come here so many times in tears, not knowing what to do.
    The members have occasionally pointed out where my reactions triggered my son, or where I needed to draw the line. But mostly, everyone was, and is, just HERE.
    Friends and family members either get tired of listening to us, or they are totally off-base and think we're either too strict, too lenient, or exaggerating everything.